No sex

Allsaints55, you may be sad about your sex life being over, I understand, I felt the same when I was no longer fertile, even though I had absolutely no intention of adding to my family So you're sad, and you miss it, but are your sexually hungry? I mean if neither you nor your husband gets sexually aroused it's as pointless as eating when not hungry - except you'll be worn out and sweaty rather than overfull and nauseous. Maybe this is a mourning you are going through that will simply pass. So be honest with yourself, are you sexually hungry or do you just want to feel desired by someone without necessarily taking it further? You could have fun on a dating site (tell your husband you're doing it for fun) and take photos of yourself that show you to your most alluring then enjoy the men chatting you up. He might do the same and oddly enough that might be the thing that makes you both frisky again.

Cookiemonster66 . I am totally in agreement with you . It was so good to read your message. I am feeling Exactly the same . I had thought he was asexual. When I googled it I realised that was him and there is nothing you can do to change that . His first wife left him for another man and taunted him over the sex she was now getting . It took along time for me to work it out . But we have a great relationship In other ways so a dilemma .like you if I brought it up there would be a row , he would be defensive and say ‘if you want it take it ‘ or ‘it takes two ‘ then sulk .But it’s hard taking it from someone who has no desire . Definitely the elephant in the room . I think it’s been hidden and very difficult for him over the years if when all the guys are talking about sex together down the pub and he doesn’t join in . He’s had to cover it but very difficult for a partner especially if he won’t admit it or even understand it himself.??‍♀️
As I said before we did have sec in early days but that could of been to get where he wanted to be with me . Not like me who had a natural love of being intimate x

Have you considered he may be asexual? I am in exact same boat as you. I am in my 50's , hubby in 40's, he is just not interested. I am climbing the walls with frustration, and grieve for my previous very good sex life, and the thought of never having sex again in my life drives me to tears, like you even watching intimacy on film/tv upsets me , makes me jealous, reminds me what I am missing. Our last conversation about it a few yrs ago ended with him saying "I will try and make an effort to want sex" but as we all know, the thing is to be desired, wanted, lusted after, if they are only doing it as a chore, I would rather not bother. I have come to the conclusion he is asexual (he thinks he is autistic). All the signals were there from day one, but I had never met a guy like him with no sex drive and thought it was because of lack of experience, like yours, previous gf same story. Stupidly I just thought I could teach him, now realise of course, nothing to do with not having the knowledge/skills. The drive and motivation simply do not exist. He is not gay, or having an affair, 100% sure. This is how it is. Like you I am in a quandary about what to do as he will not even discuss it either without getting upset. So we just ignore the elephant in the room, no sex, no intimacy, no hand holding, no kissing, no cuddles, nothing. I go for a massage just for some human contact. How to feel so alone when married. Sex is much more than the act, it is about intimacy and being close together. Oh and those who suggested sex toys/masturbating etc if you do it too much it ceases to work = more frustration! So NOT the answer!

I understand that some of the "sexperts" recommend planning a time for intimacy. (e.g: "tomorrow afternoon, let's go to bed".) Having planned it, then do it. Works for us...

All this is very complex . Interesting other people have the same problem and the ideas are mixed . Some saying it’s ok for sexless relationship if both are happy and others thinking it’s important to work on the sex side of things . You are right I am sad . It’s more him not bothered I believe and that makes me feel I’m not desired . His past girlfriends had mentioned this . I don’t feel he’s having an affair and I don’t catch him looking at other women that I have with past partners . I think the getting out of the laziness, can’t be bothered attitude is the way to move forward with me making some first moves . I really appreciate all your comments and it’s really helpful that this thing is different for all of us . We never usually know what goes on behind closed doors and what others are up to ? x

The trouble with TV - the soaps, anyway - is that they give the false impression that all the post-menopausal female characters are still as up for it (and able) as they ever were.
In real life, many no longer are, for a whole host of different reasons, and the same probably goes for many men too!

Moth62.
So what happens next, after this pre booked' intimacy'
back to square one?
I had suggested in a previous comment that following an evening out and nothing to rush home for why not 'book a room '.Disregarding hotels ,does ones sex life have to cease unless in the bedroom ?'Caution required !

Was resisting giving input for this one - I'm no expert! However, like grandtanteje65 I believe that you both still desire intimacy/intercourse. I also agree that you could have a romantic hotel stop or create the scene at home and agree to devote the time to discussing each others fantasies - things or situations you are turned on by. I believe it could be a good starting point for you to fulfill each others desires and reboot your sex life! Good luck.

I totally agree! I thought we were the minority who dont have sex anymore! Nice to see we aren't the few!
I had a giggle thou to myself.... When the kids were young oh how we wish for Some us time, yet now we have got the occasional privacy we yearned for we cant manage it lol ????
I don't miss sex either ??

grandtanteJE65 no, what I read into the OP's post was that she and her husband felt as if they ought to try having more sex but are finding it a bit hard work, a hassle, still don't feel like it (delete as appropriate) Very different matter.

Sex isn't the be all and end all of a relationship imo.
I know several couples that have been married for a number of years that don't have sex and are very happy. Sometimes the hugs, kisses, holding hands and general companionship are enough.
Feeling that you have to perform at least once a week to me is an absolute nightmare and could cause more harm than good in a relationship - it's a complete minefield that can be more stressful than it's worth!

It’s very easy to slip into that brother and sister thing but it’s a different type of relationship. Sex and intimacy with your partner is important as it releases hormones which bind the 2 of you together. If it’s crossed your mind to find it with someone else then you’re obviously not content with the situation. I reckon you should try to rekindle your sex life- you’re both too young to give it up. Are you absolutely sure your partner isn’t getting it elsewhere? 57 is young for a man to go off sex. My partner is 56 and is still obsessed even though I’m not so keen now at 69, even so we make love at least twice a week and we’ve been together 20 years!
I think the less sex you have the more you can’t be bothered. Give it a go! Sexy undies! Toys! Anything that will rekindle interest!

Thankyou for bringing this issue up. Lots of sound advise but its very hard to come to turns with when DH turns round and says he doesnt feel desire anymore. Even with the fact of there being a medical issue for penetration theres so many other ways that sex can happen. I believe that selfishness,lack of imagination and laziness is the baseline for men as they get older. Its ok to feel angry about not getting your needs met.It can be very lonely mastubating all the time.

I have clients with this problem and I sometimes suggest offering a massage strictly no sex . Who doesn’t like that aching shoulder rubbed with a bit of nice smelling oil , or lower back, or tight calf muscles. Nine times out of ten they ended up confessing they broke ‘my rules’. With my own husband , we’re lazy , but love being massaged, sometimes we get going other times just sleep better lol !

Sex is overrated. Love is much more important.

I lost my libido around 10 yrs ago when I started psychiatric medication, I'm 59. My hubby and I did occasionally make love, and I felt pleasure in pleasuring my husband but his libido has been reducing as he has got older, and at 69, its sort of died. For us it works just fine, like you we get on well, and feel no need to change the status quo. So in answer to your question, if you are both happy with your relationship, then it's just fine!

Exactly the same situation as you and the same ages
Just have fun in whatever ways you want
Women dry up
Men go floppy
Womens internals atrophy so it hurts
Men have big bellies
We all get tired
The pills can be dangerous
The creams a mess
Just play if you get the urges
Its not a big deal

Bottle of bubbly,nice music candlelight, & giggles. Go for it ???best wishes

I wouldn’t worry what anyone else is doing and especially not what others are doing on tv, that’s not real life, sex is important but only if the two of you want to indulge, problem being if one does and the other not bothered, you can still be loving towards each other without having sex though, as long as you are happy within the relationship that’s all that matters, you both agree you love each other which is great but you say it’s getting like brother n sister, it does sound like you feeling sad,you say you thought of having sex outside your marriage filling in the gaps but you love your partner too much to do that. Well you are half way there you love your partner so make the first move. Good luck x

Ladies, you are missing the point in OP's post. She and her partner have just agreed that they would like sex again!

That being so Allsaint you and he are going to have to have another frank talk. This time about what is holding the pair of you back.

Why are you finding it difficult? Could you re-kindle the spark?

What would you like to do with him, or have him do?

Be brave and try it!

Best of luck.

Try a weekend away in a beautiful hotel room with a lovely view, order some champagne in a bucket and just relax with each other. It may lead to nothing - if so, there’s nothing lost. But if you’re both feeling the need for more intimacy, it might just do the trick.

I am in a similar position to you. My husband (2nd) and I have been married for 7 years, perfectly happily, but no sex! That’s not how the relationship started 20 years ago. We had sex but I have to admit it was never great and I tried to discuss it but didn’t know how to approach the matter as I didn’t want to hurt his feelings. I think he was perfectly ok with it all, so we never really discussed the situation and I went along with it a little unhappily. However about 10 years ago he developed certain problems and was prescribed Viagra which he was unwilling to take. So we lapsed into no sex, but still cuddling, kissing, holding hands etc, perhaps it’s called very good friends. And then we got married, so no sex during our married life but I have to confess I don’t miss it now at all though I may think about it from time to time! I am now in my late 70s, he is 70 and we like each other very much. When I was younger before I met him, I enjoyed sex, and had a good ‘active’ life with my first husband, and the few partners I had in between. I would definitely say that my present husband and I are better empathetically matched if not sexually whereas my ex and I were perhaps physically better matched but not empathetically, so I am happy with my life!

Only problem with no sex can be that you may feel sexually unattractive especially since the body is not as youthful as once was. Sexual intimacy is not just fulfilling the urge but it gives a sense of worth as a woman/person to know that you are desired. However, I think that a loving relationship can be fine without but I’d still prefer my Dh to pant after me at least occasionally even if I’d have to think of...Brexit!!!

You are both still young I wonder why your magic seems to have left the bedroom, becoming like sister and brother is quite sad.
There are many things you can try to get things spiced up a bit.

If all else fails and the problem is maybe psychological you can visit a sexual health clinic together and see a doctor who can work with you to explore the ways you can help each other to get more intimate. Sexual matters are very private and personal but with the help of a professional you could get back on track. Rather that than just doing nothing about it.

A mutual agreement 'we should do it' who then makes the first move and where is the action to take place ?
Intimacy is not bedroom restricted with the light out and 'familiarity' as the saying goes, who by I haven't a clue, is a sure way of breeding contempt.
Would you eat the same food day after day after day ?
Have you ever considered when out for an evening meal making it a stop over ?ie lets book a room unless that is you need to get home to feed the dog.?