Should I ask my daughter & Granddaughter to move out

First, congratulations on the new GC!

Second, I'm sorry about the difficult situation. However, it sounds as if you and DD have a good relationship and that she is being reasonable about most things. W/ your help and the ground rules and boundaries you have agreed upon, IMO, she will grow into the role of mum and eventually, be able to move out w/ her child. It may take her a little longer than some, but she will get there. She and your GC are very lucky to have you in their corner.

"She avoided the mother and baby groups (and the clinic) like the plague, because they were mainly populated with mothers in their late twenties and thirties. She had very little in common with them."

Hetty's DD's attitude may be your DD's as well. Chances are, she prefers to be w/ young women her own age, even if they don't have babies.

As for the issues between her and the dad, I agree w/ those who say you need to stay out of all that. I know it's hard if they argue in front of you, but that's one of he reasons I'm glad you've established the boundary that says they have to keep their arguments out of the house. It may be difficult to get the BF to adhere to that rule, however. If he doesn't, I think you would be well w/in your rights to let him know you don't want to hear it in your home. No need to explain why, it's your home. that's all the reason you need.

alig99, I'm sorry you've had and will continue to have a time supporting your daughter. So often parents and grandparents are criticised for not doing enough etc yet my experience is that just isn't so.
For what its worth I suspect that if you'd followed the other route you identify, you'd still be in the position you are.

Let me say this. My youngest daughter had a child at 18, the father was a waste of space no support to her financially or emotionally. We did both from the start even to the extent that we bought her a flat which she only had to pay the utilities. She worked full time in a low paid job. She got no help from benefits and we paid for full time nursery. She was hopeless with money management and we ended up paying£30k of debt accumulated over 3 years. She then came to live with us for 2 years to sort her finances out. Then she got a flat in private sector still got into financial difficulties. We still continue to support her financially. The thing is we think if we hadn't done all this t the start she would have gone into the system yes she would have had to go into b&b with a baby ( we didn't like the thought of this) it would have been difficult but the baby wouldn't have known the situation, at some point she would have been offered a place in social housing and today she would have had a reasonable place at a rent she could afford and able to pay her other bill's. Today the child is 12 they live in private rent accommodation which the landlord is extremely tardy at repairing and at a high rent which she can barely afford and so we are still supporting her/them. If they became homeless now it would almost certainly affect my grandsons education and ultimately his future life. I wish I had made her homeless when he was a baby really unaware of his surroundings so that they could be in secure and reasonable cost accommodation. We did what we thought was socially responsible at the time regrettably it has cost us dearly not just financially but emotionally and mentally.

KC82 - are you able to divide your house to give your daughter her own accommodation? Perhaps sharing the kitchen and bathroom if needed? You are responsible for the cleaning etc on your side and she has to do the same on her side. This might give you both a bit of privacy and independence and help her to adjust to running her own flat/house when the time comes. I know how easy it is to slip back into the role of being the 'responsible person' when adult children live with you, I do find myself reminding my daughter (who is 41 and a single parent of three) at times that she is the parent, not me!!

Thanks for the update OP, I was reading through the thread and pleased to see you and your daughter have managed to talk things through and agree some boundaries.

You sound to be a close, loving family, which suggests things will work out positively. I don't share the feelings of some posters, who say your daughter chose to have a baby and must face up etc. She's a young mum by today's standards and her baby is only three months old, so she'll be vulnerable to hormones and worries. You say your work involves assessing the impact of rows on babies and children (my words not yours). That must add to your own uneasy feelings, you'll be very aware of the impact yet you struggled to stop this happening in your own home. Reaching an agreement about his visits and an agreement, no rows in your home/in front of the baby or indeed in front of you, sounds good.
I hope things work out well for all of you

Your daughter is 20 years and choose to have a child, she proberbly thought her boyfriend would step up. You need to stop enabling her not to take responsibility for her choice. If she left there are plenty of parents and child groups and what about her friends. It is your fear that is not helping. Your daughter will always have you as will your grandchild, but your daughter needs to start living her life with or without the boyfriend away from your fears. She may surprise you and you both need to lead your own lives and futures. Take a leap of faith and stop taking on your daughter's responsibilities, you can always visit.

I had almost exactly the same scenario a few years back. Daughter and GC lived with me for 18 months. It was very tough sometimes.
Baby's father. Well I wanted to strangle him!.
But when they moved out Daughter was ready and they have thrived. Short term pain for long-term gain. And I have a wonderful relationship with my GC Plus daughter is old enough now to recognise all I did and has expressed gratitude and acknowledgement, Which is not the reason I did it! But v nice all the same.

Surely she needs you now more than ever.
She’s too young and vulnerable to go it alone .
Your grandchild needs you too..

I always feel that we are mothers for life, not just when they are little, sometimes our children need us well into their grown up years. Believe me once your daughter has found her feet, you will hardly see her and then you will feel the empty nest. Your daughter needs you more now than she ever did, dont push her out, you know she wont cope and you would feel dreadful.

She is working towards her future (going to college) which is great!
She is lucky to have you

Hetty58

I too tried to encourage my daughter to join things, but like your daughter she was very reluctant, I think she thought she would be judged.

We never took any money from her as we wanted her to save as much as she could for a deposit on a house of flat, we had our financial advisor set up an ISA for her, and she managed to save a lot of money, all of which disappeared when she became involved with the next waste of space.

I have spent hundreds of sleepless nights worrying about her, but apart from being here, and helping as much as we can, there’s no longer anything we can do.

I partly blame myself, I don’t think she really wanted to go to university, but we chose to ignore any doubts we had about it, I’ll never be convinced she didn’t do it on purpose to avoid having to go away.

"she’s just in a relationship with has dimmed her spark and is consuming her mind."

Ah. When I was being so silly the best treatment for me was from someone who made fun of the affair and the man, in a light -hearted sort of way.

My daughter had her first child at 19 and was living with me. Her boyfriend moved in too.

She avoided the mother and baby groups (and the clinic) like the plague, because they were mainly populated with mothers in their late twenties and thirties. She had very little in common with them.

KC82, then the best we can do is reassure you that you are doing evrything right. The main thing is not to facilitate her relationship with this man she loves so much but is so untrustworthy.

I haven’t said I wanted her out!

The stress was telling on me and I was confused on what to do in terms of encouraging HER decision in considering moving out.

My feelings have been confused as I know it isn’t healthy her leaving and she needs support, but equally I don’t need the stress as bad as that sounds!

She does complete chores daily and today has agreed to house rules which I’ve implemented today.

She is a kind hearted girl and a good mum, she’s just in a relationship with has dimmed her spark and is consuming her mind.

I need to be her mum and support her as much as she can.

And in terms of board I don’t ask for that. I ask her to put money away for the baby in the savings account rather than give me
Board. Living costs are minimal as it is just us two. She pays for all the baby’s items and never leans on me for this.

I agree that asking her to think about moving when the baby is still so young ia probably too soon. It takesabout 6 months after, particularly, a first child to regain ones equilibrium, but otherwise I feel if she is old enough to have a baby. She is old enough to take responisibility for her life.

Was the baby the result of her decision, carelessness or coercion that meant she was not using proper contraception? If the first two has she taken action to ask for regular financial support from the father, through the courts if necessary. If the last, and she will not go to the police I would be doing nothing to facilitate the relationship. No overnight stays and if she goes out with him, baby goes to.

You have been giving your daughter mixed messages, saying you want her out, but saying that when she said it you persuaded her it wasn't a good idea.

You need to make clear to her that your home is a short term option, and that she must now be planning to move out and become independent, even if she doesn't leave for another year at the outside.

In the meanwhile, a third of her income should be coming to you for her board and lodging and as you are working and she is at home during the day, she should expect to do at least an hour of housekeeping every day, whether it doing the shopping and cooking ordoing cleaning.

Let her see that staying at home means contributing by kind even when she cannot pay the price for the board and lodging she is receiving.

Hi all. Thank you for the messages and advice. Has all been really helpful.

To update you we have talked and agreed together it is best for her to stay with me until she feels ready and is in a more secure place with her mental health. She has said she will put her name on the council as they take time to accommodate. She feels she may be ready after university. She has agreed to some house rules as well as attending some Classes to get out and about. She is adamant in her relationship and I have stated I will support her no matter what. I have agreed he can come during the day but not at evenings and there is to be no arguing in the house and this must be respected. She feels I am being fair and we both feel that the atmosphere has been lifted.
She is my entire life and I would never want to push her into a situation she can not cope with. I think I was at my wits end but all the advice I have received has given me some serious food for thought. I’m glad I’m not alone.
I’m sure we will be fine now.

Again, thank you all.

It sounds like you’re doing a fantastic job. Don’t forget, time moves on, and both your daughter and granddaughter will get older, and keep changing. Hang on in there if you can. Give yourself a goal, say one year. Then you can meet up, and talk about things afresh. I’m inclined to think she should stay with you until she is really ready to move out. You were also a very young mum, what support, if any, did you get? What helped? Congratulations on becoming a granny!

Your daughter is so lucky to have your support. How times change, and for the better. When I was 18, just left school and pregnant, my mother was appalled and said if I had the baby I wasn't to bring it home. I had a termination and got on with my life but my mum and I were never really that close again.

From what you say, I gathered that you daughter herself has broached the issue of moving out. If this is so, support her.
I don't know whether she can support herself and the wean on her own, but I don't subscribe to the the view that she is young at 20. My sister was sixteen when she had her first child, my MIL was too.

Your daughter is a grown woman with a baby, who loves a man who refuses to commit. Anything you say about him, and believe me, you and I could say plenty, will only put her back up.

You are working full time, so you shouldn't be taking time off to look after your daughter and her child. Encourage her to act the rseponsible adult woman and mother.

Enforce essential HOUSE RULES

for example:
ALL arguments are held OUTSIDE of the home so the little child NEVER hears their chaos.

Your Grandchild and Daughter need you ,more than ever. Best best Wishes,xxx

neutral

KC82, could you possibly distance yourself emotionally from your daughter? I know this would be difficult.

What I have in mind is assuring her of the shelter of your roof and four walls as long as you can and as she needs it.

When she is unpleasant to you or the baby rise and leave the room without a word, if possible with a neural expression and body language.

You sound like a lovely person. I believe you will find a way around this. She is very lucky to have you as a mum.

Your daughter's hormones are all over the place still and her body is still recovering from her pregnancy without all the emotional upheaval her boyfriend is putting her through. Please don't ask her to move out, you won't be around to see the very real dangers of PND. She is a prime case for it as she is on such an emotional roller coaster.
Of course you worry for the baby with the arguments going on around her but she needs your support now more than ever. If you are really worried, talk to the Health Visitor who maybe able to encourage her to go to the clinic to meet other Mums or get her to parenting classes so she meets other parents. She might be hanging on to the loser boyfriend because she is lonely and who would blame her. You can only gently encourage her to go to things, maybe even go along with her the first time so she doesn't feel so vulnerable.
Careers may be fulfilling but the fracture of a relationship with your daughter and grandchild will hurt a lot more than the joy you'll get from a career.