Should I ask my daughter & Granddaughter to move out

KC82. I was in a very similar situation with my daughter although she is in her 30s.

She had very severe hyperemesis gravidarum when pregnant, and as a result had to leave her job and move in with me. When she had the baby she was ill and they stayed with me. Consequently, he and I formed a very strong bond.

She is still living with me (well, in my house, I'm currently working overseas). I decided to let them stay long-term for the sake of my grandson. I'd even gone as far as buy her a flat to live in, but could see that she wouldn't be able to cope living completely on her own with him.

It isn't an ideal situation but I would rather tolerate it than see him at risk, off on their own somewhere, with her not coping. He already has some anxiety related habits, so although I'd rather she was independent, I am resigned to our situation.

I've been through this with my daughter. First time round she and her partner lived with me until they got a council flat. A couple of months after moving in, she had the baby; he left when the child was two, nothing really wrong with him but she was an immature 20 year old and got pregnant early on in the relationship. She struggled on in flat for a few years, but her mental health wasn't brilliant, depression and anxiety. Only saving grace was that the flat was five minutes walk away. She wasn't keen on mother and baby groups, but sometimes went - never without muggins here who had the baby a lot. I have a very close bond with the little girl. The dad continues to be involved. Anyway, now at the age of 26, my daughter seems to have finally grown up a bit. She has had another child with a new partner and they have a house. It has been a roller coaster ride though. Be there for your daughter but start investigating ways for her to move out. Getting a council house for example can be a very long process. It's good that your daughter is forward planning.

I would be supporting my daughter with the baby living at my house, but there would be ground rules set. I would do everything possible to make sure they were fine, but I wouldn’t allow the father to come n go as he pleases causing mayhem, I don’t think you are being selfish in wanting her to move out, but I do think it’s a bit early, I’d encourage her to mix with other young mums to socialise a bit, and when the time comes maybe in few months down the line she will be ready to move on, it must be quite difficult living in a house where you are doing your utmost for your daughter and baby and she taking her unhappiness out on you, and you feel unappreciated, hopefully the father steps up to the mark for everyone’s sake,

It is very unfair that you have been landed with all this. I am wondering if she became pregnant to hold onto the relationship with this man, even if she would not completely recognise this. It is a huge responsibility to be a single parent at twenty, makes getting her own life together more difficult and in practice she has handed all this onto your shoulders. It sounds as if you have been a single parent yourself so of course you will know how hard it is. There is not really anything you can do about the boyfriend. It will probably come to an end in time. You sound very sensible and caring and there is a lot of good advice here. Perhaps a bit too soon for her to move out but certainly plans for moving towards this, setting boundaries and responsibilities now and so on. It is hard to move on and be two adults for any mother and daughter. We maybe never do entirely. So her moving out at some point is essential for you both. The truth is that life is unfair and we have to do the best we can. There are good things you have. The love, the new little life, as you say. You are not empowered to make her life OK for her. She has to do that. You can only do what you can. You hint your concerns about her mental health. But again you can only do what you can. Try not to take on all her problems on yourself in your own mind. I know it is difficult but make as much emotional space for yourself as you can by not feeling too responsible for things you cannot control. I am not saying not to care, not to do what you can. But accept that we cannot make our children’s lives be without difficulty or pain. Be calm. Be kind to yourself. Self soothe. Things will work out one way or another. My blessings and good luck.

Living with poorly adult children is really difficult. All I can say is lay down ground rules

My daughter had 2 children with a partner who lived apart and contributed nothing financially and almost zero emotionally, eventually she ditched him after he was violent towards her when 7 months pregnant and also threatening my toddler grandchild. She is a good, devoted mother but a few years later moved in with and recently married an unsuitable, narcissistic, incompatible man who became a functioning alcoholic and constantly verbally/emotionally abusing my daughter and children. Fortunately, she has just summoned the strength to leave him and is now much happier. But all these years down the line she has lost a lot financially and has always relied on us to help her out financially and with childcare when needed. She will not really discuss her finances so I feel that I have to give her money just in case and she always accepts it. I guess that she does need it and I wouldn't want my now teenage grandchildren to suffer. But it's difficult because my generous husband is my children's stepfather and I feel guilty that we have always missed out on the extras like foreign holidays so that we can fund her. There's no other answer as I could not live with myself if anything bad happened to them yet I am selfish and do resent a bit that she gets to make stupid judgements even into her 40s that we end up funding, not able to get on with our own lives properly. Well, that's family and I am lucky to have them, life's not perfect. But I always thought that if I helped her out, she would then be able to cope better independently and make better judgements but it just goes on and on. I do wonder if I didn't raise her well but I think that I was an ok mother. Now I am old and tired but still feeling that I need to keep in work. I remember that my sister in law commented when my daughter was pregnant with her first child, 'She's got you over a barrel now.' Too true and it never ends!

Don't push the situation with the child's father because you will push her towards him . Sit down with your daughter and talk about what you are willing to do , help size . Explaining to her that it is her child and not yours . Let her know there are ground rules for her and her child staying with you . Once everybody is on the same page , things should run more smoothly .

Try getting in touch with Home Start - they provide young struggling Mums with support and may take her along to play groups etc to get her started ....

My daughter lives with me and has MH issues and it is difficult - the ones the love get the brunt of it!

www.home-start.org.uk/

I'm sorry but your Daughter is now a Mum herself, she has to get on with it
My daughter had her son at the age of 17 she lived with her Loser boyfriend but this is what She wanted , A Baby and independence.
She had ups & downs and I supported her and my Grandson as much as I possibly could, she grew in Independance, got rid of the boyfriend , my grandson and her flourished I was always in the wings when she needed me
Remember we give them wings to fly, she is a Woman and a Mother let her mature with her baby you will not change what is meant to be in her life.
What will be will be
May be a rough ride and bumps along the way but that is Life help her move out and get settled in her own place just be there for Support.
She was old enough to give birth, she is a Mum now let her flourish.....

It's early days for your daughter being a mum and she is not alone in having a boyfriend that thinks it is perfectly acceptable to pick up and drop her just when it is convenient to him.
What I would suggest is that you encourage her to get out and about - I'm not talking going clubbing, but going to Mums and Tots groups and other activities that will be baby based. There she will be able to meet other mums, some of which may well be in the same situation as herself . It will help her to realise that she isn't on her own - nothing like shared experiences to help you feel better about yourself!
She may well be ready to move out at some point, but maybe not yet. The boyfriend will come and go if he is allowed to and you might find that your daughter may need to give him an ultimatum before she can begin to plan her future with her child. Hopefully that will be soon!

I think you should be supportive, but only to the extent where you don't resent it.

You should emphasise that the living arrangements are temporary. Your daughter) should build up her own life, meet new people, make new friends. When she's back at work she won't need to rely on you (or the father) to raise your grandchild.

I think your daughter is just about young enough to probably be safer (as well as the baby) living with you - at least till baby is around 1 year old. But if I was in your position I'd stop the father visiting at your place. Tell the daughter she will have to meet him elsewhere. That will at least reduce some of the unpleasantness you are experiencing with rows etc.

If the dad has declared he won't commit your DD has to open her eyes and make her own plans. Not going out to meet other Mums could be a sign of lack of confidence. Could you go with her a few times to help her settle into a group? Yes money will be an issue probably when she moves out as could isolation. Your DD though has to accept the responsibilities from the outcome of her relationship. I am always at a loss to understand how with all the sex education, contraception that is out there from school age there are still so many unplanned pregnancies as I may wrongly be assuming is the case here.

I can’t believe you’re even considering it to be honest.

I wouldn’t do it to my 20 year old daughter if it was just her. To add a three month grandchild in to the mix? Good lord no way would I would be encouraging her to leave at this vulnerable time

I think you need to work towards your daughter and baby moving out KC82 I think you have decided this already though. Don't take on too many child care responsibilities, share chores and finances etc. Make time to do the things you enjoy as well.
Ensure your daughter knows that at some point in the future she will need to move out and be independent. In the meantime enjoy the baby, good luck.

KC82
The boyfriend contributes financially, so he isn’t that bad but he won’t commit, that is the story of most young men. What do they argue about?, if the rows are about him committing she needs to stop hassling him about it and relax.
Eventually she will find a place of her own and get her life together, hopefully with him, until then the best place is with you.

KC82

I have been where you are, our daughter became pregnant just before she was to go off to university. The babies father was horrible, we were longing for her to go away, and hopefully forget about him, but that put an end to that.

We wanted her to stay home, but she was insistent they were going to live together, it lasted about six months, and then she came home with the baby.

Looking back, I think I took over too much, allowing her to revert to the teenager she should have been, had she not had a child.

In her defence, she was/is a very good mother, and she’s always worked. During the time she was living with us, she met someone about twenty times worse than the last one, she left again, this time we were really cross with her, and worried about the child.

Ten years on, she’s still with him, I’m pleased she’s happy, but her life is very hard, and if we didn’t help out practically and financially, I don’t see how she would manage.

If I could start again, when she came back, I wouldn’t be letting her out every night, and I would have tried much harder not to let her leave again.

She’s a lovely girl, a really good mum, she works hard, but her life is chaotic.

Just from your original post I see you must have been a young mother yourself. Can you remember how things were for you in thise early days?
What were your D's living arrangements before she was pregnant? Was the BF supportive then?
Particularly in the light of your concerns about their relationship if you can possibly cope, it would be much kinder and wiser not to deprive her of her safe refuge at this point. I cannot imagine the fall-out if things went wrong.
Plan for an alternative at some point in the future by all means - but when you can, involve her in your and her planning too.

I think it is much too early and she will be much too vulnerable to consider pushing her out the nest
You are back at work so she will be more on her own encourage her to do jobs for you, little bits of shopping etc to get her and the baby out the house, more likely she ll talk to someone outside than being stuck inside
If you had said three years instead of three months my reply would have been different Support her as much as you can in these early days and yes your life will be a little bit on hold but that will change
Encourage her to get out or to have (girl) friends round And talk about the courses she’s going to do in other words give her a pn insight of a future outside if him without excluding him if that makes sense

Oh, she is on birth control and he does pay maintenance...although not enough!!!

Thank you all for the messages.

Things will get better now I’m back at work and establishing some rules and chores in the house so she does feel
Like she has a role to play sounds like a good idea.
She does have plans to become a teacher and is hoping to begin uncover airy next year once she’s finished her current college course.

It’s difficult to not get involved or give my opinion in the father as they argue in my home, however I am not rude or offensive and I always make sure that I don’t back her into a corner with that one and reassure her I will support what ever decision she makes. I know this is probably not helpful either for her...further realisation for me as I’m writing this!

I will encourage her to attend some classes, although I have been trying.
M

Oh and try to support her getting a useful degree after this young baby grows up a wee bit. She needs a way to provide for herself and her baby. Education is key!
Try to get her motivated! And get that guy to pay child maintenance.

I'd tell her how you feel. Be there for the baby. Perhaps get her counselling....even online. She has low self esteem and she's very young. She needs you, but you can't be a doormat. Stand up to her and set boundaries in place, like not having him at your house. Just try to support her as best you can. Make sure she's on birth control too.

If you are now back at work then you are starting to live more independent lives because I am assuming she will be at home with her daughter.

So therefore you should work together to mutually agree and divide up the everyday household responsibilities. This is even more important if she is saving all her monthly income and not contributing to living expenses.

This will definitely help you and give her a ‘role’ in the relationship rather than continuing to live at home as your daughter with her new baby.

This will also help her reestablish her independence and self worth, and maybe it will develop into the first step towards her choosing to move into her own flat without you ‘elbowing’ her out of your home before she’s really able to cope.

Regarding the boyfriend issue - keep your opinions to yourself - certainly don’t get in the middle of that one!

We cross posted.