DD2 's relationship breaking up - how do we support them?

I believe strongly that two contented parents living separately is far better for children than a miserable existence together.

As a teenager, I had a horrendous time with parents who would not separate because of family pressure. The anxiety and concern trumped everything else and was horrible to experience.

Hi Rowantree,

My DD3 has recently split from her partner, although with different circumstances. DD1 and DD2 have both been in the same situation. Try not to worry too much as these things have a momentum of their own.

My stance has been to offer any support I can to both parties and not take sides. The blame game doesn’t help in this situation. Just be there for them and only offer an opinion if asked. Cuddles and hugs are very important as well.

Your DGD will hopefully improve as life becomes more settled. My youngest granddaughters are improving since their parents split, there is far less shouting and bad temper, arguments etc. My DD3 has lost her frown and is more positive about life and managing the circumstances. Her ex has now asked to be friends on messenger etc. and although I haven’t seen or spoken to him we have messaged.

Just do your best to be there in spirit and in body if necessary. I hope all becomes more positive in the future and I’m wishing you all good luck and happiness for the future

All the best

EllanVannin if you'd known and intervened, how could you have made a difference? I My DD has previously said to me sadly, 'You can't fix us, Mum!' meaning they have to work at this themselves. I don't know the minute details of their problems, and I'm not sure I want to know - that's private, and if DD chooses to tell me more, that is up to her. I know so much and no more. I don't know what I can do differently - I'm just taking my cue from her as requested.
Selfishly though we are worried about how it will all affect us and how we will cope trying to support on a practical level. There's also the problem of telling the wider family when it's a foregone conclusion - they all think DD's little family are rock solid and it will be heartbreaking for the more elderly of them, so we will need to support them too.

DD and her partner weren't married so I don't know what the legal repercussions are - that's for them to navigate. Certain friends of ours were always somewhat sniffy about those who choose not to marry but live together instead; apparently the break-up rate is higher amongst the latter. I wouldn't know, but DD looks set to boost that theory.

I know what you're saying Rowantree as we as a family are now beginning to pick up the pieces of a past separation regarding children and I envisage a long slog ahead.
Nobody interfered at the time but part of me wishes I'd known and intervened.
We're by no means on our own unfortunately.

Thanks to all. Hetty58 = yes, they have been struggling for some time and we have been babysitting while they attend couples counselling. We ask nothing about what went on during sessions because it's not our business to ask; we just try to support and encourage.
DGD's obsessive behaviour could be normal, that is true, but her parents are driven batty with it and react with irritation because it means she's often late for school because choosing pants and socks, for instance, takes so long. DD feels guilty about feeling like this, but it's understandable.
I think I view the difficulties as a problem because of the practicalities involved - they don't have a lot of money; DD works from home but doesn't earn enough to pay rent on a property. Arguably that's a while off now and anticipating how she'll cope financially is the least of it.
We are both trying to be as upbeat as we can and avoid displaying anxiety and distress round them. We want to support them all. DD's partner is lovely and a sweet man but he has his own problems and issues which have contributed to their problems. That said, I don't anticipate a bitter separation, should it happen - their big concern is their little daughter.

I realise that I do need to step back a bit more and let them sort themselves out (no choice really and there is nothing I could possibly do to fix anything). It's another hurdle to negotiate, even so, but it seems to happen so frequently these days that it's almost the norm, unfortunately.

Rowantree, you seem to view the upcoming (probable) splitting up as a negative and threatening event.

It looks somewhat different to me. They have been trying to work through and resolve their problems (so there is already trouble) and predict a separation.

Separation can be a positive end to a troubled marriage. It can be a new beginning and opportunity for growth and future happiness.

You see the child's obsessive behaviours as possible signs of anxiety, but are they?. They could be normal stages of development. Children are very adaptable and take their cue from adults. A happier, more relaxed parent is always beneficial. They will remain loving parents.

There is no need to be so worried. You will continue to love and support your daughter, be there when needed and allow her to sort out her life. I'd suggest a relaxed, friendly and positive attitude will help, so try not to display/convey your anxiety over this.

It's sad when this happens but there's not a lot you can do except give your support as and when it's asked for. Painful when AC go through this and at the end of the day it seems to me that when the dust settles no one ends up happier. However can't live their lives for them so it's best to be non judgemental, even when the going gets tough. Hope everything works out for the best.

Putting it bluntly I think you just have to sit back and let them sort it out themselves. Sounds like it is your daughter who is instigating the split? Maybe she will be happier living as a single parent? Financially, she will have to work that out herself also. (although I understand why you are worried with her history, there isn't a lot you can do)

As for your grandaughter, from experience, as long as the parents are adult about it and continue to parent together she should be able to accept it. Most kids are resilient and generally only have problems if the parents act like children. You and other family members can help by normalising the situation as much as possible, not taking sides and treating both parents with respect.

Just be there for them all when you can but don't take the full burden of worry on your shoulders.

Fingers crossed things turn for the better in February eh?

Not really any advice to offer that you don't know already, but just wanted to say that one of mine was in a similar situation some years ago. Things are much better now, and will be for your daughter in the future I am sure. She has you, and that will mean a great deal. One thing I might just say is try not to be so worried about her that she will start to worry about you, if you see what I mean. All the best.