Affair

I struggle with depression,if anyone hasn't then you have no idea.I was married 28 years,my ex had an affair left everything home job etc, now they are suffering severe mental health problems, the grass is not greener for some.I had tried to treat my illness,and i had a lots of periods of wellness,what happened to marriage vows,the fall out of affairs can be devastating for the whole family. think hard about what you are doing ,the heart can rule the head

People say leave if you're not happy in a marriage but that is often easier said then done. Some women are not financially able to just walk out of a marriage and are totally dependent on their husband. If that is the case, I think it would be reasonable to find solace outside a marriage.

I would suggest that you don't take any liason too seriously though, as you could get hurt in the long run.

I am also in an affectionless loveless, sexless marriage, I dream of living on my own again, and I am sure he does too. I sold my home and we bought one together, I can't leave, he would make sure our house didn't sell, because he would want to keep it. I don't earn enough to rent a place and pay all the bills, and having a half share in a house means I don't think I would get help with rent. A lot of us older women are in the same boat. I bought a little dog who has brought so much love into my life, and I am now trying to develop hobbies and interests so I can at least have occasional conversations and chat, sadly lacking at home. Like you I thought of affairs, though I hadn't met anyone I am interested in, but I remember back to when I was single, and meaningless sex that left you feeling empty afterwards,

Joyfulnanna, I remember my husband of 25 years married being exactly like your husband is. I was not happy at the time. I had lots of friends at work to confide in. One of them said do you think he is having an affair and I answered your joking, NEVER. It turned out he was and had been for 2 years. All the depression and everything else was caused because he had found another woman and she had put a time limit on him.

Joyfulnanna - most Improving Access to Psychological Therapy Services now have counsellors specifically trained in providing couples counselling for depression. You and your husband would need to go through an assessment, but the service is free and up to twenty sessions. It’s really worth trying to work through this together. You might be surprised what you find out about each other through the process and
That it is helpful in recalibrating your marriage for the next stage of your lives.

We only have one life. It's far too short to live by others' 'rules'. I've had a few affairs but always I've been very realistic in my expectations. I never felt used as it's a two-way 'using'.

I'm absolutely hopeless at deceit, though, so my first husband knew about them. He had to accept that otherwise I would leave. I left him in the end, anyway. I've never felt regret about any of it. I have such beautiful memories of a life well lived!

No it's not wrong!! AFTER you've left your current partner
Besides you know it's wrong or why ask?

Then you wonder why so many marriages break up ( rolls eyes )

“He’s done nothing wrong, he’s just depressed” aside from whether or not to have an affair would he be open to discussing this with a GP? He’s ill and might be able to be treated. Maybe he’s due a medical MOT and perhaps you could give the GP a pointer to his mental state.......? Your home situation may then be more open to discussion / change

Joyfullnanna - you say you want sex but the title of your posting is affair so I’m not sure what you want - first of all if it’s sex you want then go ahead and have it - it’s your body and only you know what it needs - don’t listen to people who may say it’s ‘wrong’ because this is meaningless - there are far too many silly taboos around sex. However if it’s love you want them having sex with this man may not be what you want so check it out first - if you are both craving sex then there’s no reason why you shouldn’t satisfy each other especially as you already know this person - he’s not a stranger and you can have a degree of trust in him to treat your body well. If you really want a new relationship then I think you have to do something else or as well - get out to the kind of places where you will meet someone of a like mind and bring your current relationship to an end.
I have sympathetic with other comments about doing the dirty on a depressed man but you have a life too - you don’t say how long it is since you’ve had love and sex but you do say you’ve spoken to him about your needs and he’s not responding so you have every right to look elsewhere. Depression can be treated and many times a man or woman uses the claim that they are depressed to justify a chosen self-absorption knowing that they are depriving their partners of a happy life - good luck

EllanVannin, yes marriages last their course then often break up. At least people are honest about it these days. There are less couples living miserably together. That situation is a truly 'failed' marriage, far more than one that's over. Sometimes, the best thing you can do for somebody is to leave them.

Have you asked your partner what he or she thinks of polyamory?

If you are going to have an affair that your partner would not approve of you will have to be very careful 1, to keep it secret and 2. to protect your own welbeing if the other man is unreliable and fickle and many of them are.

Joyfulnana.
You/ all of us would have to be made of stone to not want affection.
Having sex is not the answer unless you count those who are paid for this service doing so because they are needing affection. What do you know of the man who is willing to give you sex. ?You are wise to consider counselling.

As others have said, this has to be your decision. Whatever you do, it doesn't sound as though it's going to help your husband's depression, but leaving him may just get him seeking help from professionals (if he's not already). I would say if you're going to leave anyway, then do that first, if you possibly can.

Joyfulnanna, The grass is never greener on the other side, I left my marriage after 38 years, through abuse, I walked out of the house with nothing except the clothes I stood up in, eventually I got a divorce, I was in a women’s refuge for 7 months, when I came to find a place of my own I had nothing, not even a teaspoon. It’s 10 years later I’ve made myself a lovely home, and I have a partner who I met on line, things are never the same second time around, if I’m truthful I still love my ex husband even now.
Good Luck what ever your decision is, please try and think about the other guys wife, and if they have children, it could be devastating for them..
❤️?xx

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Remember, this man is definitely going to hurt you in the future. Have you got a friendship with your husband? If so, stay and settle for a brother sister relationship, it would be better than nothing. This man isn't going to leave his relationship for you and when the affair with you has run its course, as they do, he will embark on another one and you will be left with absolutely nothing at all. I don't know how old you are, but consider the future. Yes, an affair is exciting while it's happening, but the downside can be devastating. The very best of luck with whatever you choose.

I think his depression might accelarate if there is to be a splitting up, and you may have a guilty conscience then. It is hard to live a cloak and dagger life,then being found out and hurting a lot of people.
If you can get away with it, good luck to you.

Surely it all depends on how long this depression has gone on and whether he is trying his best to get help.

Most of us vowed to stay together "for better or worse".

If it really is just the depression which is the issue, that can change and if you love him, wouldn't you be putting all your effort into helping him through this? You don't say much in your post about how your relationship was before and how you feel towards him?

Is it sex you're really looking for or just the excitement of an illicit affair? Are you just maybe bored with life and want to spice it up?

Without going into too much detail, when I was separating from my Husband I did some things which I am not proud of. No one got hurt and I had some 'fun' for a while. The consequences I feel were mine, in that I felt bad about the lying and the deceit. Hindsight is a wonderful thing and if things happened again I would not do it. I think always finish one thing before going on to another. Depression is an awful illness and it maybe that your Husband could get help and support which could benefit both of you. If your marriage is truly over I would suggest to tread very carefully, but make the break cleanly. Hard that it is. You must also consider how this 'affair' may impact on everyone else and if fidelity is not his strong point, he may just be after a good time. I do hope things work out for you. Good luck.

I think if you start having sex with someone you both know than you obviously will get more feelings for him and think you are in love. Whilst your OH would be totally distraught.

Deal with what is in front of you first. If you are not happy stop making excuses and discuss with OH as adults. If you need to start again so be it as your OH seems stuck in his own issues and it doesn't sound like he is fully happy either. Don't carry on in something that is dragging you both down. Dealing with it rather than being underhanded and start an affair. Which is like putting a plaster over a wound that never heals.

Is your friend being totally honest about his wife or is he taking advantage of your vulnerability. Will you end up being the one hurt and feeling guilty for the rest of your life. Why not both sort out your relationships, then see if you feel the same way as unencumbered singles or formally seperateds. You would benefit from councilling. I don't think you're having a life currently. Best wishes.

You are the only person the planet who can say if it is right or wrong.