My daughter and my partner

Involving your children in relationship problems should be written in the guide on how not to parent.Its bad enough talking to sisters or cousins but your children should never be put in the position of hearing what a b----rd your OH is and then see you go back to him.Thats horrible for her to watch and not a great example of how a relationship works .Let him treat you badly and go back to him? How would you have felt if it was YOUR mother ?

If a person offloads to a family member or a close friend about what their partner has done, then that person you have told is definitely going to be against that partner, regardless of whether things have been sorted out or not.

No one like to see their relative or friend getting hurt, I used to get very angry when my one of my friends used to run to me with tales of he's done this or done that, in the end I had to tell her to stop telling me things if she didn't want me to take sides and form an opinion

I have told him that he needs to speak to her about the issues if everyone is to get on

I think thats a terrible idea.
I think you created the issue by offloading to her and you should fix it.
Sending him in to tell her to play nice may make things far worse if they already arent close!

The only thing to do is wait it out.

You can’t unring the bell of oversharing, and your daughter is allowed to have her feelings

Thank you notanan2 It sounds like I moan to everyone doesn't it? I don't moan to my partner, I discuss issues with him, it's very calm, not shouty. I have told him that he needs to speak to her about the issues if everyone is to get on, and he is willing to do this. I appreciate the advice, I know I should have not said anything, but after a fairly mentally draining relationship in the past, I don't wish to hide things from anyone

It seems like you moan to your daughter about your husband, then moan to your husband about your daughter, then wonder why they dont get on!

You are not stuck in the middle
You are sticking your daughter in the middle of your husband issues
Then getting your husband to wade in and speak to your daughter when you have daughter issues.

Yes Namsnanny he is aware and says he will talk to her calmly, and no, I dont want to alienate her. I want her to be nice and civil to him, like I am to her partner when he is an arse. I hate the 'I am much better then you' Attitude, it just makes me sad

You cant "offload" to someone then expect them to not take on any of those feelings.

If you moan to her about your partners she will see them in that light so I guess you will have to work on balancing the moans with good news or she will continue to dislike your partners on your behalf

My first thought was well you included her (nothing wrong with that per sa) in your business.
She's bound to have her own opinion.

She probably has your interests at heart, so don't alienate her if you can help it.

You say you feel torn between all of them. Does this mean your partner is aware of what you told your daughter, and her feelings about it?

If so, do not discuss the whys and wherefores with him now, keep everything even.

See her by yourself for a while. Give her time to re adjust to the situation.

To be honest, she has never liked any of my partners, even from a teenager. I have even split up with one because she was due to start a new school, and I didn't want her to go down the wrong path. She is extremely judgemental yet she doesn't make the right choices, and I never say anything to her. So this is just par for the course Im afraid

Oh lord - how hard for you. There is a rule that I stick to and that is not to discuss relationship problems with family, nor enter into such discussions if they want to talk to me about them.

I have been in a position where one AC was heavily critical of their partner for a while - I just nodded my head and made non-committal grunts - how glad I am that I did, as hey are now very happy together.

I think when they bring these things up you just need to say: "I really appreciate your concern for my well-being, but need to reassure you that we have overcome our problems and all is well now."

Oh dear. It's not really your DD's prerogative to be huffy about your partner. Unless there's a really strong reason to dislike someone's partner, I think we should accept people faults and all.

On the other hand, you can't force your D to actually like him.

I think you have to steer a neutral course for a while, don't try to bring them together, don't mention your partner to your D, don't get angry or defensive and give it time to settle.

Good luck.

You could tell your daughter that she doesn't have to forgive him, but that her behaviour is making you unhappy.

You don't have to be torn between them, surely she and her husband are not suggesting that you have to choose. If she and her husband bring up an instance you say "yes, you have told me how you feel about that, I feel differently now" or something similar.

Give her time and if you and your partner continue to make a go of it, she will come round. (and next time there are problems confide in a friend, not your daughter)