AIB too suspicious - I don’t want to make a fool of myself!

Opinion?? Just ‘in’.

Leopards and spots come to mind. Sorry.

Trust is gone now and won’t return. Your call. I’d just leave. Not easy and I’d need a week to sort out where I’d be living, then pack and go.

I don’t think you’re married?

I have too much self esteem and pride to (a) stay or (b) play Miss Marple.

But we are all different. One of my friends is still with her philandering husband after over 30y. He has had numerous affairs, promises all sorts, does it again (and again). He told her last Christmas he is only staying with her for another year until the baby boy of the family is 18y (they have AC opinion their late 20’s).

I said to her why do you put up with this?
Why don’t you just leave him?

Her reply?
I love him.

Good luck going forward, whatever your decision.
Xx

I know she knows he’s married, as he told her we are parting after out next holiday, (which is already booked). That was part of the conversation I overheard.

If you heard him say this, there is no reason for you to stay with this man. He is humiliating you daily. Get your finances in order, then ask him to leave. He can stay in the flat near his boat, you can stay in the house at least until the divorce settlement. If you have a joint account and joint savings, withdraw half and open new accounts. Then get a good solicitor. No matter how much you love him, he does not love you.
Nothing is sadder or lonelier than being in a relationship like this. You will be better living your own life without this man.

Isn't it amazing - this philandering bloke goes 'joy riding' and his poor partner is the one who feels guilty!!

It beats me why we women tolerate this kind of serial philandering and all the lies and disrespect which go with it, because we know in our hearts we have not allied ourselves to a faithful man and there is bound to be heartache for us again, in the future.

So you have two choices Gma29 you either accept this is your lot in life - at least until he finds someone to run off with - and he will - or you get out now and find someone who treats you with respect.

You don't need to put yourself in the humiliating position of confronting him/them, you know what he's doing.

You also know the health risks of sleeping with a man who has been joy riding with several other women.

As soon as you come back from holiday (why waste it?) don't unpack your case, just pack a few more and get out. This rat will never change.

For the time being, be nice to him. Be normal. But think very hard if you want to leave him or not. Can you put up with his infidelities? Do you still love him ...? Do you want to cling on, or get rid? Make your decision, and stick with it.

You actually heard him tell someone that he intends to leave you 'after our next holiday'. That would be enough proof for me! And you don't have to provide proof that you know (telephone bill, etc.) for him! Are you hoping that he's that he's lying to the 'other woman', and just spinning her a line, but his real intention is to stay with you? Would you be happy with that?

As others here have said, sort out your money before you do anything. And yes, you need to be cold and calculating now. Protect yourself as much as you can before you make any moves. Seeing a solicitor is a good idea (if you can afford it). You need to know where you stand legally.

I don't agree with showing up at his flat. If he is there with someone else, though settling the position once and for all, it would be hugely embarrassing and demeaning for you. Likewise, phoning 'her'. Keep your dignity.

This whole thing - whichever way you choose to go - is going to be distressing. Stay strong. Good luck.

I wonder how much a private investigator costs. With a telephone number he could probably find out a name and address for you.
It would fairly shock him if you did uncover his behaviour at the flat and be able to call her by name.

As others have said, make sure you have any assets sorted and be careful he wouldn't empty any joint accounts.

Gma19, I'm so sorry this is happening to you. It seems to me you've already made up your mind what you're going to do, so all I'll say is that I agree w/ those who say see solicitor first and make sure your finances are in order. Also, I agree w/ those who say a cheater forfeits any right they may have to expect you to be open and above board. You deserve better than this. Best of luck to you!

Londonmefrits, downtoearth, and Ginny, my heart goes out to you, too. And you also, BlueBelle, though your story is amazing!

I would have done things differently, but I believed him. I believed in him and trusted that he would never ever treat me with such disrespect. He did.

Gather your evidence and do nothing until you've taken legal advice. Be prepared for a showdown and it will be distressing. Check bank statements for cash withdrawals before he's had chance to move them.

Check on finances and how much you could have to provide for yourself. Check mortgage statements. Sorry but it's the only practical way you can provide for your future. Know his earnings and bonuses if appropriate.

Then decide can you live with this person? If he breaks down and is sorry and promises he'll end it, will you accept that? Can you overlook the affairs if that's what you discover? Can you face going on holiday with this person?

This all takes an enormous amount of courage, but you have to be true to yourself. You deserve better than to live with a liar and a cheat. Massive hugs! xx

Don't let him deflect his guilt onto you. There's no reason why you wouldn't check the phone bill. So if he complains tell him that by cheating on you he lost the right to complain about you checking up on him.

I'm afraid it does seem like he's continuing his affair or even started a new one. Did he honestly say he couldn't remember who he spoke to on the phone?? He's an idiot.

You don't need to find proof of an affair - if you feel that's happening then it probably is , trust your gut instinct.

I hope it all goes well for you.

When you get to the flat, be sure to use the bathroom (to see how many toothbrushes there are and whats in the bathroom cabinet)

Have you any plan as to what you will do should you catch him with this woman?
Do you want a showdown, there and then, (remember there will be two of them); you are not on your home territory and may have to drive yourself home in a rage; you may bump him into jumping before he is pushed. He sounds a practised, if not very convincing, liar.
If you really mean you want him soon to be an ex OH, gather your evidence coldly and carefully and confront him on your territory with as many facts and figures as you can collect. (while he is away go through everything, from coat pockets to bank statements.) Then ring this woman and tell her what you know.
Are you married or in a relationship? How secure are you financially?
What do you really want to happen?
It sounds to me (bitter experience) that he is continuing his previous relationship, and that she is pushing him to leave you.
If you go, go on your terms, not hers.
Sorry.

My friend used a private detective.
As someone earlier up the thread said, decide what you want to find out before you do anything.
At the moment he MAY be innocent.
Maybe not.
You can choose your timing.
Protect yourself as much as possible.

I would have to go and check up on him when at the flat. I know it's a sneaky thing to do and you wouldn't want to be playing detective. But his behaviour has driven you to it.

I think in your heart you already know he is still cheating. You want to know for sure before you go. If you get proof, are you really ready to leave? I have been through this myself, and for your own self worth I would leave him.

I'm genuinely sorry to read of your situation.
The first thing I would do would be to seek some legal advise, you need to protect your own interests financially.
Sending kindest thoughts to you

Before you go into all these convoluted attempts to catch him out, I do think that you need to ask yourself whether you actually want to be with this man at all. It sounds as though he felt that "sharing" was just fine; but you, quite reasonably, said no to that.

Frankly I would not want to live my life being constantly suspicious of my life's partner and having to think of ways of checking what he is up to.

Woman up! - just go. This is not a sound relationship and you really do need to regain your self-respect and realise you deserve better. No-one - man or woman - should live like this.

Any man who goes out to the balcony to make a call to a woman and cannot remember who he was talking to is having an affair.

Anyone who has been cheated on recently has every right to be alert and checking on their partner.

If they are being unfaithful, I would imagine nothing will embarrass them more and satisfy you more than a dramtic confrontation, preferably in public in the presence of the other woman.

You are right to be suspicious and deserve better.

Again another in a similar situation (now separated over 7 years, he wanted to live a "single life" he can pay for the divorce)! I wish I'd handled things better but the shock - 23 years married, 28 years together - I'm afraid I went a bit bat crap crazy. Phoned her, threw him out (actual clothes in the street). Sent his phone bill outlining all "their" calls to our friends and his family. I would do things differently now but the rage, utter rage, filled a need ...
I'm sorry, Gma29, it would appear he's leaving. It could be up to you how that happens. Can you spend your (last?) holiday together knowing this and saying nothing?
He needs to be honest with you. His behaviour is disrespectful. How dare he.
There are of course organisations like Relate that may help, but if he's made up his mind I think you have to accept his decision. Even if it's not the woman from last year he's in contact with, it's possible he's looking for another woman as an excuse to leave. And I'm sorry. Any and all women deserve better than that.

*The woman my ex was in contact with was horrified to find out how he felt about her. For her it was flirting and being found attractive by another man. The idea he was set to quit his marriage for her appalled her (her being 33 and him 50). He moved into friends spare room and there he still lives, 7 years! He's had a couple of girlfriends but the 1 long term (wouldn't let him move in) dumped him. Our son is ashamed of him. Am I callous in enjoying the fact his "single life" has led him to that ....

It was easier last time, as I felt more confident challenging him, as once I became suspicious, it was all pretty obvious what was going on, and who it was. She was local too, which made it so easy to check up on them before I said anything. He didn’t have a leg to stand on.

This time, I don’t have proof, so I know he’ll deny it, say it’s just a friend, I misheard etc. I suppose I just want to be absolutely sure first, otherwise it’s almost pointless challenging him, as it won’t really get me anywhere. I’ve tried to give him the benefit of the doubt, but am beginning to feel more than a bit gullible. That’s what really stings tbh.

He’s back to the flat at the weekend, so as advised, I feel a sudden urge to visit the coast next week... If that doesn’t work, I’ll have to ring her, and see what I can ferret out that way. If it is an affair, he’s going to be an ex-OH as soon as possible.

You heard him telling some woman that you and he were going to separate after your next holiday, which is already booked, and say in your post title "AIB too supicious, don't want to make a fool of myself"

NO!

You are NOT making a fool of yourself, HE is making a fool of YOU!

You are worth more, and deserve better than this.

Surely it's irrelevant if he thinks checking the bill is sneaky, having a bit on the side like he did last year is a bit more than sneaky so you're justified. He's broken the trust by his actions so do whatever you need to to get to the bottom of what's going on. Tbh when my first husband was cheating I didn't need proof as such I just knew beyond any doubt what he was up to. I did consider a private detective but why pay someone to prove what I already knew. Are you prepared to divorce him is the question. I just asked myself if I was willing to keep going through this year after year and the answer was no. I'm a trusting person and need to be able to trust whoever I'm with and refuse to have my peace of mind ruined by lies. Think about what you'll do with the information once you have it and be prepared to follow it through. If you know you don't want to split then be very clear about what you do want.

That is horrible, Gma29. It does sound like the least bad thing about this is that forewarned is forearmed.

I know this is your life, your marriage with a lot of history and possibly someone you still love, but nothing can be done to remedy that. You can set about protecting your interests.

It would be in your best interests to see a good divorce lawyer before saying anything to him and finding out where you stand and what you need to do.

Same happened to me 6 months ago,woman contacted me on FB messenger and asked who I was as he was her partner of 18 weeks,my reply,I am his partner of 16 years and we live together.
He left when confronted,would like to say it hasnt destroyed my trust or confidence,but it has...good luck Gma

Why are you still there and putting up with this?

Gma29 posted before your last post.

Seems that all is crystal clear (from what you said that you heard). Well, get in first, dump him before he does the dirty on you.

Chuck him out, clothes in bin bags, and see how he gets on. "She" might not be so keen when she's washing his underwear, and has him around all the time.