My OH had an affair last year, which lasted a few months, until I confronted him about it. When I made it plain I wasn’t “sharing” he ended it. It’s been difficult for me to try and forget it, especially as he still sees her at work.
Recently while on holiday, I overheard the end of a conversation (that he’d gone out on the balcony to make), and the bit I heard really concerned me. It was clearly to a woman, and one he knows very well at that. Initially he said he couldn’t remember who he was speaking to, then claimed it was a mutual friend (I know now it wasn’t).
I have looked at the phone bill on our return, and see that he has been making regular calls and texts to this woman over the last 2 months. I have a number, but that is all.
It’s made more difficult by us spending quite large amounts of time apart, as he goes boating and keeps a small flat near his boat, while I prefer to stay at home. It means I don’t know all his friends - or what he’s doing, but this never bothered me until last year, as I trusted him then.
How do I approach this? He’ll think looking at the bill was sneaky (which it was, a bit), I don’t want to accuse him without being sure, and the only other thing I can think of is to ring the woman. What I would say, who knows! Any advice would be appreciated.
Barmeyoldbat
I'm just in awe! You are perfect! Wonderful!! Oh how brilliant!! What did he do? I bet his face was really red!! I love what you said:
you can have him and you had better take this
How I wish I could have seen it when you
tipped the whole bag of dirty washing over the table
and walked out.
You are a STAR!!! ⭐️⭐️⭐️
Sorry P.S.
If the house is in his name or both your names then you cannot change the locks, not legally, until after the court decision regarding the splitting up of the property and who gets the house.
You can put a chain on the inside. Or if the lock fails (mine did, they do go wrong sometimes! , anything can...) then of course you would have to install another one. However you most probably have more than one door. None the less I expect he takes just the front-door key with him when he goes out?
You may not want/need to do this anyway, once you have irrefutable evidence of his affair. I would try the tape recorder in the car and surveillance film of the flat. Possibly try a secret camera at the flat. I do think,- as your financial future and where you will live will be involved in the ending of this relationship, - it is worth looking at the cost of a private detective. If he/she worked for the time your oh was going to the flat it might be only a short time to get what you need.
I do hope you get this evidence soon and have all your future arrangements satisfactorily organised.
One last thing, don't worry about being on your own! I have been since I had just had my 42nd birthday. It is nowhere near as difficult as you might think and I am never lonely, bored or at a loss for things to do. So don't let that aspect worry you. I make more friends now than I did when I was with another.
With lots of love. Good luck!
A solicitor will say changing the locks isn't legal if the property is jointly owned, I knew this but did it anyway as there was no way I was letting the ex back in. Yours has the advantage of having a flat at least. At no point in my divorce that took 2 years to complete was I told to give him a key or change them back.
Forget phone calls, visits, confrontations, however satisfying they might be. Get legal advice and all your info. Then change locks, empty joint a/c, THEN have the confrontation. Let us know what you decide. Good luck!
Just ask him if he’s seeing someone else Oh dear Aggi are you really that naive do you really think he’d say ‘ yes dear of course I am’
No of course I am not that daft , but pussyfooting around like something out of Enid Blyton isn't useful , I mean , have it out face to face toe to toe ,
Go and see a good divorce lawyer and find out your rights. Sorry but this is heading only one of two ways. But you know that already.
I would tell him you know he's having another affair. You cannot stay with a man like that. He doesn't love you and I'm sure by now you can't still love him. Ask him for the truth and tell him your relationship is over. Difficult but you need to move on.
They take us for a fool Aggie. I wish it was that easy just to ask outright.I would guess Gma29 other half has his escape route all planned out already. Mine had. They insult our intelligence. We believe their lies for a while because we trust them.....then our intuition sets in. My ex hadn't the guts to tell me. He waited until I went up my friends house one evening. He phoned my sister to look after our children and cleared off. Detective work commenced and then everything fell into place. there's not an honest thought in their head. I'm a great believer in the saying, what goes around comes around. In my case it came true.
Aggi some men (probably women too) are just such good liars that they believe their own lies My first husband was so convincing that even his own brother 40 years on still believes something that could not have been possible and could easily be proved to not be the truth but he was so convincing I swear no one would see the difference between the lies and the truth
You could have had it out with him a hundred times and still end up believing you were wrong and he was right
It just isn’t that easy much better to have the proof to back you up
Can I respectfully ask if this is true, thanks
I think you know what’s happening and it’s most likely going to be the first woman. You have to decide what to do but my advice for what it’s worth is to sort out your finances NOW before you confront him. Also I wouldn’t give a second thought to checking the telephone bill, he has cheated on you and you need to regain your trust but from what you’ve written he does sound as if he’s cheating. Take care of yourself and good luck.
I wouldn't bother confronting him, just tell what you are doing and when he asks why just say to him you know why and don't try to lie your way out it. The truth is staring you in the face. There is another woman and the its the one he was having the affair with. Don't bother to waste anymore time on him. Just sort out your future on the quiet.
Been there, like so many of us, it is awful for you but you need to know if he is going through his mid life crisis (so 'many do) or whether he really wants to leave you and isn't just saying it to her to keep her sweet, either way he is a complete s..t. I phoned 'the other woman' whilst my x was still living with me, she sounded terrified (shame) and my x was furious with me (tough) so that was it, he left me when I was 4 months pregnant (nice) and eventually married her, got divorced from her and eventually re-married again so he has 6 kids now 2 that are same age as our sons eldest DD, I was on my own for 9 years but am now very happily married to Mr A. all things for reasons, but doesn't help you now. I wish you luck and that you do what is right for you. Where is his flat we could all come with you to face him - that would be interesting xxxxx
FC61 gives good advice.
You don't deserve to be treated like this.
Take back your personal power.
Life is not a rehearsal.
I don't know how old you are but is he worth wasting your best years on?
I realise it is heartbreaking to be the subject of such deception.
There is a saying about not getting angry but getting even.
Also revenge is a meal best served cold. The best revenge is success.
Good luck!
Unfortunately it sounds like all trust has gone from your relationship. You have found him out once, and now overheard that he is leaving you after your next holiday.
The ball is in your court now. I personally would not want to be putting myself through anymore with this man. Playing detective and tiptoeing about trying to catch him at it, and going to his flat can't be dignified or goid for your self esteem.
I wouldn't want an holiday with him, because I would drown him.
Get some legal advice immediately, and if possible boot him out and never let him back.
Don't be afraid of living life as a single woman, because it can be wonderful and empowering.
He won't change believe me.
Oh Bluebelle you rock girl. Rabbit in headlights indeed. Wish I could have seen his face when you two walked in.
You are not making a fool of yourself. You have been made a fool of, and what is worse is that you are allowing it to happen.
We don't know your circumstances. If you are not married you are in an awkward situation. Do you own or part own your home?
Get some legal advice today.
First of all, you are not sneaky! Having been in a similar position myself, i found that once you have discovered the dishonesty of your OH, you do become suspicious at virtually every turn, because it's all to do with that small but very significant word, TRUST, in a relationship, and this has been abused ! I personally, would most definitely call the number for my own peace of mind, otherwise it would be niggling away for eternity. However, you may be one of those amazing women, who can turn a blind eye to his philandering ways and carry on with your life. I confronted my OH after 25 years of marriage, having been suspicious over a period of 18 months! I telephoned and invited his 'platonic friend' to discuss the matter one evening, which resulted in him leaving me and our 2 children for 8 months, but he returned. Unfortunately, however, our marriage only lasted another 4 years.
I forgave him, but just couldn't forget the lies and deceit which went before ? Good luck though with whatever decision you make, itll be the right one for you and, you will feel you are in control of your own life?
Baarmeyoldbat, LOL! Good for you!
when he's in the shower, use HIS phone to call her and if she answers 'Hello Darling' or whatever, I think you will be sure.
I would deffo call that number from an unknown phone a new one- ask who is this and tell her you have been following her and tell to to back off your husband or something nasty might happen -
Before that I would follow husband and take lots of pictures of his activities
If he admits and vows to change but strict terms on the future with him
if no change after a couple of weeks I would paste the photos all over the town and workplace boat club everywhere he is known and dump his gear at her house
with a note to say shes welcome to a cheater
you stay in your house and get him out-
BUT - thats what I would do you I don't know
Oh my goodness Onestepbeyond I wouldn't like to get on the wrong side of you! "Something nasty might happen" - what on earth were you planning?
Anyway, Gma - lots of good advice on here so I wish you luck in whatever you choose. Please come back on and up-date us on whatever the outcome is.
Elvive unfortunately, yes
Many thanks for the advice and support. Hard as it is, I’m going to say nothing in the short term, and get a grip on finances etc. I’m just so angry, and annoyed with myself, really.
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