AIB too suspicious - I don’t want to make a fool of myself!

You have every right to protect your dignity and self-interest. Before confronting him make sure you have hard evidence of ALL his finances, pensions and property. You may not need it, but if you ever do, he won't be as forthcoming as you may need him to be. Decide what you want for the next 5, 10 years, or longer. If you had no fear, what would your future look like? You are a strong, intelligent woman and deserve better.

I ended up with very little confidence because I let a man treat me badly for years. I wish I'd had the strength to leave him but he eventually left me for another woman. Please protect yourself, take others advice and sort out your finances before he even suspects you know what he is up to. He shouldn't be allowed to treat you or anyone else so badly. What kind of person does that? Be strong and keep believing you can be happy without this man undermining and disrespecting you. I wish you the very best of luck. Happier days are ahead of you

Yeh woman up... I like that! Seriously you know it’s going on. Now it is whether you will be passive or active. You don’t need proof. You act now. Say you’ve had enough you don’t trust him. ANd you don’t want to go on holiday with him. If he is’innocent’ he will prove it to you. If not he will accept it. Yep it’s hard but don’t believe that what you are going through is better than being an autonomous proud single person. The worm has to turn, of course you are reluctant but we’re all behind you.
Don’t go creeping round his flat just put your foot down now. Good luck and let us know how it goes.
I was in this situation once and I wriggled snd wriggled in the end breaking into his emails, behaviour beyond the norm. Yes there was proof but really I should have stopped it when I first doubted, before I had self- humiliated myself. I still can’t believe the lengths I went to to get proof. NO. Just go. You’ll find the strength. It’s up to him to prove his innocence not you to prove his guilt, you have enough.

As they say on mumsnet, get your ducks in a row. Sort out finances, bank statements, other important documents and seek legal advice. Sounds like he never ended the affair or has another one. I don't think I'd be able to resist just turning up at the flat or boat. Good luck OP, you must feel dreadful

Here’s a thought Gma 29....have your booked holiday ...while on holiday give a trusted friend your keys and get the locks changed. When you return from holiday , get in the door and tell him to bugger off...when he quieries it...tell him you thought you were separating after your holiday .Then shut the door in his face.

Oh I would be turning up at that flat/boat !!

Use the Internet. You have a number put it into a who called search engine. When you have a name use Facebook or call his work and ask for xxxxx. Be the detective. You need more information before you know what you already kind of know.
Then come up with a plan that suits you entirely. It sounds like you've both moved away from each other over the years. I'm not surprised after the last affair.
Do you want him? Do you want to build a new life? Either way big change is up ahead.

I wish you the very best of luck. I've been there, it not easy but I hope you find happiness. Keep us updated xxx

My first husband was just like this . I'm afraid to say a leopards never change there spots . The only thing you can do is decide is this the life you want . If you let him know you have seen his phone bills , he will coverage he tracks even more . Keep gathering all the evidence until you decide what you want to do . Plus having all the evidence if you need a solicitor , your husband won't be able to work his way out . You could even contact the other woman . I hope everything works out for the best for you .

I think you know that there is very little likelihood that this is all innocent.
Prepare yourself for the worst and decide how you will deal with it before you do anything.
Don't be put in the wrong because you looked at the bill. There are very few people who wouldn't have done that in your situation. If he gets accusatory, just say 'of course I looked at the bill, I would be silly not to' or something silly. Don't agree with him that it was wrong.
It is going to be difficult. My father did this for my parents' entire marriage and my mother practised wilful blindness. As a policeman his shift working provided cover. If he said that he was working or going to help out a friend or something, she would not question it. It would have been much better if they had separated when she was younger.
Even if you find nothing, you will be living with constant mistrust which is very demeaning and stressful.
You might think that you get enough from the relationship to put up with it, some people do, but either way you are at a very difficult crossroads which is not of your choosing. You will need to be tough and use any support available to you.

I certainly agree with Luckygirl - you need to decide for yourself whether YOU want to stay in this marriage and then take it from there.
I personally would make sure I got the holiday first, and on your return ( or maybe, if you can pack up the rest of his stuff and put it in the spare room/ wardrobe), present him with his packed up belongings and tell him that he wanted to go - that you overheard him, so he can go!
The fact that you even have to ask the question in the first place, surely answers your question ?

He goes boating and keeps a flat near his boat?!

Aren't you being a bit naieve? When did you last visit this flat? If you don't usually go there, I think it's highly likely that it's become his Love Nest!

By his actions I feel that he wants to be discovered as he certainly isn't covering his tracks very well!

if you have a phone number .after speaking to your husband i would call her number......calmy say that you know about her having an affair with your husband.tell her you not going to stand for her being his little bit on the side... but talk to your husband first .see what he denies then show him the phone bill.. but are you ready to make the break and kick him out. he might think you are going to forgive him again .there will be a next time too and you will forgive him him again. how many times do you forgive him ,thats like giving him permission to carry on his affair,....hope he hasnt got an STI.......

Sort out your finances on the quiet get a plan together and leave him, he is taking the you know what!

Unfortunately once you've been in love with someone and it's been ended by reasons other than you've just fallen out of love (eg by being discovered by the wife) the feelings are still strong and just like a drug addiction you're highly likely to be drawn back to that person. I think you're either going to have to share or call it a day. I am so sorry

Agree with those who have said sort out your legal position for if you separate. If your 'D'H is as sneaky and disloyal as he sounds, he will probably try to get away with giving you as little as possible, especially as he has an expensive lifestyle to maintain. See a solicitor and then obtain any documents you'll need, including financial details, while your 'D'H doesn't realise you're onto him.

Quite honestly, if my husband had acquired his own flat and was spending nights away, and was having private phone calls with women and telling them he was soon to be divorced, I wouldn't be beating myself up for being suspicious. He isn't even bothering to hide his affair from you.

Only you can decide if you want to put up with this until he makes his mind up to leave you, but personally, I think I'd rather be on my own with the share of our joint finances that I'm entitled to, rather than put up with this crap.

It does seem as if you lead separate lives. He does his thing to the extent that he meet a separate house. Maybe it's time to have a heart to heart and find out what you want from this relationship? Many people turn a blind eye because it takes courage to face the truth and staying with someone is in the long run preferable. What do you want?

Washed his clothes!!

When her H was away for a night a friend of mine in a similar position washed and packed all his clothes in bags and confronted him on his return. He was made to leave with his tail between his legs metaphorically speaking.

I am afraid he has made it obvious that he is seeing someone else and from the "balcony" conversation , intends to leave you.
I would not be the one to leave the house but tell him to leave. Why should you make yourself homeless, when you are the injured party?
Keep calm and gather as much financial information as you can and just before you confront him, take half of any shared accounts and put it into your own account. You need to see a Solicitor, at least for advice on what to do.

'He’ll think looking at the bill was sneaky.'

Sorry to be blunt, but at this point I wouldn't be giving a sh!t about what he thought.

I'm betting my life savings he didn't end things with her. He still sees her at work and his 'hobbies' very much include her.
The trust is gone. He's having his cake and eating it. Get your ducks in a row. You don't need 'proof' you are well in your rights to end things with him due to his first affair!
You've overheard him.

But instincts are real and you are worth SO much more than having to check phone bill statements

You don't say how long you have been together and not sure if you are married or not. If you aren't then sort out your financial position and whether you are going or staying in the property. If you are married see a Solicitor before speaking to your OH. I am not sure about trying to confront them it could go horribly wrong and I don't think its necessary. He does sound as if he might be stringing the other woman along.

So sorry for you Gma29 - I think the many posters here are absolutely right. (And BlueBelle's actions seem spot on, to me!) It appears that your OH is philandering: now you have to decide what to do about it. I hope you can be strong and get this man out of your life. I wish you a much happier future.

It seems odd that his hobby is so all consuming it needs its own flat.

Not sure if I could go on holiday with him knowing what I know or (think)

The thing is even if you decide to stay with him the "can you ever really trust him again"