AIB too suspicious - I don’t want to make a fool of myself!

Been there, had the badge and worn the t-shirt as they say at the end of 1986 start of 1987. No mobile phones or internet at that time. I look back and wish i'd been stronger! Today I would say to you that once the trust has gone that's the end. You'll drive yourself crazy when he goes out wondering where he's actually gone, who's he phoning, what's going on at work. If I'd have heard that part of the conversation about leaving after the holiday I couldn't have kept quiet. I trusted my ex and never in a million years would have thought he was capable of what he did. I knew something was going on but didn't want to believe it. Have you asked any of your friends if they know what's going on. I found out that mine did but didn't want to tell me just in case he came back and I'd never know. He never came back. Would I have had him back? Yes at that time I would have because I loved him so much. My brother did the detective work without me knowing.He found his car, just a couple of mile away from me. She worked with him too.
I'm just wondering if someone could put a camera in the flat? Other than that I would ring the number you have or ask a friend to. Ask to speak to (husbands name) and go from there. Or drive to the flat and sit outside close by and see who he goes in and out with. Easier still, confront him with the phone bill. I hate to have to say it but I think the affair's still going on. Once a cheat, always a cheat I'm afraid and as I said, once the trust has gone you'll never believe a word he says again. Do keep in touch.

I’m so sorry that you find yourself in this situation. Going by what you posted - your husband is being unfaithful. As others have said, check your finances thoroughly and then seek legal advice. Personally, I would not go the flat in the hope of catching him with someone else - it could be very upsetting and humiliating for you. I wish you the best of luck and stay strong! ?

Ignore earlier message, meant to be on new thread. Hit the wrong button....

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

I’d be tempted to stake out the flat for a while to see if he’s taking someone there. Videos and photos to confront him with that he can’t deny but as others have said make sure you’re financially safe.
Then take back control and leave him before he knows what has hit him!

I agree you need to check him out. Go to the flat or sit outside in your car and wait to see what happens. A friend of mine suspected her husband was cheating. He had a v large 4 x 4 truck. She told him she was going out but instead climbed in the back of the vehicle and covered herself over with a rug. You can imagine what happened when she popped up to see him with his latest woman sitting in the front with him. Don’t think I could have done that though

Why don’t you make a point of visiting him in his flat. It seems very suspicious to me that he would have this ‘bolt hole’.

It’s been difficult for me to try and forget it, especially as he still sees her at work

Gma29

Trust is like fine porcelain....It's easily broken. Depending on the damage, it can be mended but the repair is never going to be perfect.

You didn't mention how many years you've been married or how soon before your husband retires? Can he change jobs? How far could you (realistically) move away in order to remove him from proximity to this woman? Will you still be able to trust him enough after?

If the trust issue can't be resolved, you need to assess your own financial situation. Do you have a job? If not, do you have enough marketable skills to find one? Can you at least consult a good solicitor so you know your options?

Lastly, you need to examine your own feelings and whether or not you can be happily married to someone who still hasn't been able to regain your trust.

Sounds to me as though he is leading this woman up the garden path. Saying he will leave but putting it off. He wants the best of both worlds. not actually prepared to give up his cosy home life.

Definitely a cheating cad.

Don’t go, just change the locks on your home after he leaves to go to his flat by the coast!

My advice is to concentrate on yourself.

Don't waste energy wondering where he is or if he is with the woman - spend your time and energy working out what you need to do if you do split up.

How about making an appointment with a free solicitor to find out where you stand if you separate? I am not sure if you are married or how long you have been together, but you need to get legal advice to protect your own interests.

As others have said, once the trust (and respect - do you still respect him?) has gone, the relationship is surely over.

Before you do anything else, I'd make sure you have rock solid evidence before proceeding. I'd ring the number and say, 'Hello, I'm just ringing because I found your number written on a pad in my house and wondered if it was anything important.' Don't say you looked in his phone - just let them both wonder. The reaction you get will tell you everything you need to know. Personally, I'd then pre-empt his leaving by having the locks changed to the house you share and leave his bags outside. Then go and see a solicitor.

I know this sounds harsh but imo you need to take back some control in the situation.

Do you want to share this man?. You have found a phone number that you believe may be evidence he is having a 'relationship' Act on it.
Can you see yourself leaving him if you find evidence he is having a relationship.? Obtain professional advice as it seems clear from what you have discovered this man is partial to 'having ones cake and eating it'

My advice is to be businesslike. Treat it as a business deal, which is what it is from this point on. Play it straight down the middle.

Get your legal advice, there's plenty online to start with, I've PMd you the one which helped me most and saved my sanity and a lot of money.

Divorce is brutal and of course you need to know the truth. If he decided to have an affair he's made a choice and now it's your turn. Choose a life without this anxiety hanging over you. Choose you.

If you go down the divorce route, it's clearly going to need some straight talking. Remember you know your truth. Believe in yourself. Refuse to be hassled into knee-jerk reactions.

Be money savvy. Get the bank details somewhere safe. Check for withdrawals from ATMs that you don't know about. Mine was taking e.g. £300 Tuesday, £400 Saturday. Letters arrived from expensive hotels 'As a valued customer...' I'd never been there!

I left all my 'treasures' with my sister - anything which could have been converted to cash. Not joint gifts, things of my mothers or my aunts and personal gifts from before we married. I didn't know he was capable of being so deceitful, so I certainly didn't know just what he was capable of.

In the end my lawyer saved me from his worst excesses, his demands and changing his mind over things. Don't be afraid to change lawyer if the first one you go to doesn't get things right. I changed after the first one was taking personal calls during my hour at £250.

You may think from all the above that I was in control and very businesslike - I was a total wreck! It took me a while, but I cottoned on in the end and I was able to get through it all. You will too. xx

Rather than turn up at the flat, wait till the evening before he leaves, then say, "You know what, darling? I'd like to come with you to the flat for the weekend." Then stick to him like a rash, to see if he contacts other woman to change plans. Don't let him dissuade you from going. If he shows delight that you're going, you've got your answer.

My personal opinion, based on being rolled over by my ex, is offence is the best defence. He couldn't be trusted in the past, you suspect he can't be trusted again. His behaviour made you sneaky.

Do you gave a female friend or sister who can ring this number?

I echo above, you deserve better than this. I’d start stashing some assets if you can as he may try and use money to manipulate you or make you stay.

I freely admit I might be radical but I would get legal advice like yesterday, quietly gather the things I love and were about my life and put them into storage , make sure I have independent bank account and money in it, do whatever it takes to make sure I’m ok and can survive , and after all that visit him unannounced in his flat late on a Saturday evening and ask him who the woman is he spoke to! I’d rather be on my own than waste this beautiful precious life with a cheat or miserable husband . I left my ex ( didn’t cheat was just wasting my life) and thought ok I’m 45 , overweight , no confidence , bit depressed who’d want me and within six months met the man of my dreams !! We never know what life has in store for us and there’s too many people on the planet to be lonely. I know I’m extreme but I’ve seen too many women lose everything and get so badly hurt . Call the shots !!! Plenty of support here from all these lovely ladies !

How can anyone forgive an affair? He has lied and been unfaithful. End of...Chuck him out

Definitely get legal advice first, 're finances, pensions homes. You know he is having an affair, be prepared when you confont him. You will be more confident in the way you approach him, if you are armed with proper advise. I would go on holiday have her number to hand ring it on the quite, and give him phone saying it's for you. His reaction will let you know. Good luck.

Take legal advice, check all his financial, property and pension affairs, by fair means or foul. Then check the telephone number and/or visit the flat.

If your suspicions are correct the n take action.

A lawyer friend of mine had a substantial joint savings account. When she found out her husband was having an affair she was at the building society at 9 the next morning. She opened her own savings account then transferred all but £20. It's legal and as a lawyer she new she could do it.

It set her up for the next few months, including buying a house. Of course the finances were all sorted fairly later, but it gave her some practical peace of mind during the heartbreak. Took nerve though.

Good luck and hope life works out well for you.

You're worried about being sneaky? He's the one having the affair.
I agree with most of the others on here- get down there next time he goes down but I would suggest going with a good friend in case it is all a bit much for you. You will have some support then.
Sounds to me as if he has no intention of leaving you as long as he can have his flings too. It's up to you to think very carefully if you want him back. If you do decide to keep the marriage going I would insist the boat goes but he will find other ways if he is so inclined.
I do sympathise though as many years ago while he was working in US I found out my DH was having an affair. It did however turn out that he wasn't & the letter I got telling me about it from 'the other woman' was actually from him & he was trying to get me to 'toe the line' -i.e do every thing he wanted rather than be an independent woman & going out with girl friends sometimes. That didn't work then.
Good luck!

Are you part owner of the boat flat? If so, when you turn up and if she is there you can ask her to leave. You donlt have to give any reason or excuse.

If the calls he made were to a landline then it's easy to find the area by the code. If it's in the same area as your OH's flat then you have problems.
If calls were to a mobile then I'd ring from your own mobile (witholding the number) and ask to speak to 'X' (your OH's name) in a business-like voice.
Say that you were given the number in case he wasn't at home.
You'll be able to tell by her response and tone as to whether she knows him or not.
OR
Say nothing at all, until he goes on another trip to his boat.
After you know he's arrived, wait till the following day and ring her number but withhold yours and ask to speak to 'X'.
You could always find out for certain by staying at an hotel near his flat and discreetly see for yourself what the state of play actually is, take photos of them (if they're together) and return home before he does
If you decide to divorce you will have some proof especially if you can find out where she lives.
It all depends on how much you want to know.
Me? I'd go all the way.
Cheating is not on and you will never settle until you are sure what the situation is.
I hope it turns out in your favour.

What is it with some men? They think they can treat their loyal, faithful wives just as they please - and they somehow manage to make us feel guilty! I've posted on a few similar threads now, so apologies for the repetition. I've been there. Was married for many years, had a very comfortable lifestyle, good jobs, husband retired before I did and started using dating websites (for married people 'looking for an extramarital affair') a few years later, had a few affairs (and I won't go into his other despicable behaviour), 'persuaded' me he'd never do it again each time I confronted him, threatened to commit suicide if I left, said he had to make a fresh start, so we moved house and county. A year after moving, he was up to his tricks again. No dating sites this time as far as I know, but joined a walking group and met a woman there. She could have been any woman, by that time he wasn't fussy. Around my age, never been married, no children (all the right ingredients for him). He left, I divorced him. Best thing I ever did. Now a couple of years on, I have my own home and do as I please. I hear he 'persuaded' her to sell her home (she owned it outright) and to move county (history repeating itself). They married soon after decree absolute - his third marriage. I wonder if she knows that. No idea what he told her about me or our marriage, but likely to have been lies. Quite frankly, I couldn't care less.
If I were you, I'd get legal advice in the first instance. Your husband has made his bed. You deserve so much better. One of the many things I'm truly grateful for now is that I no longer have to check up on my ex. Such freedom.
Healing will take a long time, but you will get there - and you'll never again let another male treat you badly. Be kind to yourself. Give yourself treats and stick to friends and family members you know you can trust. And always believe you are so worth it. Do keep us posted.