AIB too suspicious - I don’t want to make a fool of myself!

I think you know what’s happening and it’s most likely going to be the first woman. You have to decide what to do but my advice for what it’s worth is to sort out your finances NOW before you confront him. Also I wouldn’t give a second thought to checking the telephone bill, he has cheated on you and you need to regain your trust but from what you’ve written he does sound as if he’s cheating. Take care of yourself and good luck.

Can I respectfully ask if this is true, thanks

Aggi some men (probably women too) are just such good liars that they believe their own lies My first husband was so convincing that even his own brother 40 years on still believes something that could not have been possible and could easily be proved to not be the truth but he was so convincing I swear no one would see the difference between the lies and the truth
You could have had it out with him a hundred times and still end up believing you were wrong and he was right
It just isn’t that easy much better to have the proof to back you up

They take us for a fool Aggie. I wish it was that easy just to ask outright.I would guess Gma29 other half has his escape route all planned out already. Mine had. They insult our intelligence. We believe their lies for a while because we trust them.....then our intuition sets in. My ex hadn't the guts to tell me. He waited until I went up my friends house one evening. He phoned my sister to look after our children and cleared off. Detective work commenced and then everything fell into place. there's not an honest thought in their head. I'm a great believer in the saying, what goes around comes around. In my case it came true.

I would tell him you know he's having another affair. You cannot stay with a man like that. He doesn't love you and I'm sure by now you can't still love him. Ask him for the truth and tell him your relationship is over. Difficult but you need to move on.

Go and see a good divorce lawyer and find out your rights. Sorry but this is heading only one of two ways. But you know that already.

No of course I am not that daft , but pussyfooting around like something out of Enid Blyton isn't useful , I mean , have it out face to face toe to toe ,

Just ask him if he’s seeing someone else Oh dear Aggi are you really that naive do you really think he’d say ‘ yes dear of course I am’

Forget phone calls, visits, confrontations, however satisfying they might be. Get legal advice and all your info. Then change locks, empty joint a/c, THEN have the confrontation. Let us know what you decide. Good luck!

A solicitor will say changing the locks isn't legal if the property is jointly owned, I knew this but did it anyway as there was no way I was letting the ex back in. Yours has the advantage of having a flat at least. At no point in my divorce that took 2 years to complete was I told to give him a key or change them back.

Sorry P.S.

If the house is in his name or both your names then you cannot change the locks, not legally, until after the court decision regarding the splitting up of the property and who gets the house.

You can put a chain on the inside. Or if the lock fails (mine did, they do go wrong sometimes! , anything can...) then of course you would have to install another one. However you most probably have more than one door. None the less I expect he takes just the front-door key with him when he goes out?

You may not want/need to do this anyway, once you have irrefutable evidence of his affair. I would try the tape recorder in the car and surveillance film of the flat. Possibly try a secret camera at the flat. I do think,- as your financial future and where you will live will be involved in the ending of this relationship, - it is worth looking at the cost of a private detective. If he/she worked for the time your oh was going to the flat it might be only a short time to get what you need.

I do hope you get this evidence soon and have all your future arrangements satisfactorily organised.

One last thing, don't worry about being on your own! I have been since I had just had my 42nd birthday. It is nowhere near as difficult as you might think and I am never lonely, bored or at a loss for things to do. So don't let that aspect worry you. I make more friends now than I did when I was with another.

With lots of love. Good luck!

Barmeyoldbat

I'm just in awe! You are perfect! Wonderful!! Oh how brilliant!! What did he do? I bet his face was really red!! I love what you said:
you can have him and you had better take this
How I wish I could have seen it when you
tipped the whole bag of dirty washing over the table
and walked out.

You are a STAR!!! ⭐️⭐️⭐️

Gma29
I am very sorry.

I am sure he is two-timing you. It is over. Do not confront him yet.

Be cold, calculated and organised.

Get your evidence.

There are several imponderables here though.
You call him your OH, so I do not know how much your money, life, assets are tied up with his.

I would none the less get legal advice straight away..

You may need to think ahead to whether you might move out quite quickly. How big is the house? Whose name is it in?

Could you change the locks while he is at the boat-flat, once you have confirmatory evidence of his adultery?

I would not confront him yet - he will only lie.

Whatever you do, collect evidence;

video at best but recorded is good.
My friend put a small voice operated tape recorder in her husband's car ducktaped under his seat. He used to make all his calls in the car. She then asked him if he was having an affair, which he denied. She taped that too. Then she played the tape to him.

You might try to film him at the boat place. I do not know the geography or difficulties involved. A hidden camera would be very useful if possible.

If you can afford it you can hire a private detectective.
This is usually only worth it if the break-up of the partnership is going to involve splitting assets and you claiming money from him.

I repeat:
Start facing up to the fact that he is not to be trusted and it is over. Start preparing for what you will do to end this relationship. Who owns the main property? Ge legal advice now, before you talk to him. Be well prepared. Get evidence of his double timing you before you confront him. Then change the locks on the house while he is at the boat-flat.

Tell him he can speak to you through your solicitor only.

I would keep quiet for a few weeks, do all the business of setting myself up for leaving, finances etc. THEN I would turn up at his flat with most of his stuff, especially a bag of dirty washing of his (if its your house or bought together) knock at the door and just dump his stuff. No reason, no discussion, and walk away. I packed all my husbands dirty washing in a back bag and walked across the road to the pub where I found him sat at a table with her and some friends. I just said if you want him you can have him but you had better take this and tipped the whole bag of dirty washing over the table and walked out.

Aggie unfortunately it’s not always that simple as to just ask him, cos if he wants to have his cake and eat it he will deny it and come up with all manner of excuses so she needs proof and checking up on him ( spying is the only way).

Unless you're prepared for a very angry scene, don't just arrive at the flat. You need evidence, but what kind of evidence?
IF you want to divorce him, it's very difficult to divorce on the grounds of adultery. There must either be a child born in that relationship, or you need a photograph of them having intercourse. Mmmm.

The best way is to plead is that there is an inappropriate relationship with a third party and that you feel unloved and disrespected. You don't need many examples but that would be number one and you have to say how each example makes you feel. That he stays away from home a lot is another. You suspect he's using joint resources to entertain another person. He doesn't show you affection and you feel unloved, etc etc.

Think carefully about changing the locks btw. It is illegal unless the house is entirely owned by you. If his name is on the mortgage and the deeds he has as much right to enter as you.

"This time, I don’t have proof, so I know he’ll deny it, say it’s just a friend, I misheard etc. I suppose I just want to be absolutely sure first, otherwise it’s almost pointless challenging him, as it won’t really get me anywhere."

YOU DON'T NEED PROOF.

He's either having an affair or he's not. If he is, you've already said he'll be an ex-OH. And if he isn't?

Consider the possibility that he isn't having an affair. What then? You will spend your future eternally suspicious of him, watching for signs, unhappy. In what way is that an attractive future? You'll spend it just waiting for him to have another affair, because THE TRUST IS GONE. And it's unlikely to ever come back since he's not doing anything to win your trust back.

I would end the relationship now. You don't have to have proof of his current betrayal (I do believe he is having an affair right now) to end it. All you have to say is that you no longer trust him and this has changed how you feel about him and you don't want him any more. Because you're not ending it because he's having affairs, you're ending it because you don't want to live like this, without trust.

Gma29. I went through the same thing some years ago. I heard my husband on the phone his last words were I Love You so I new he wasn't bloody talking to my mother. I checked the phone bill, kept checking the amount of phone calls. I did question him and he admitted he was having an affair but said it had now ended. I had her number so I rang her. Afterwards when ever he was away which happened a lot as his job took him all over the country.I checked his petrol receipts to see if he had been in the area where she lives, he had and still denied it. For me a leopard never changes his spots as this wasn't the first time he had flings with other women. That was the end of my 25 year marriage as far as I could see their was no going back? I have now remarried and am very happy.

Turn up at the flat definitely. Also, is there any way you can get your hands on his phone - while he is in the shower or something - and ring the number from his phone and see what response you get. Don't be hesitant - something's going on.

Oh Gma29 what an awful position to be in I don't think you are being unreasonably suspicious, I think you are trying very hard not to see the truth.
You are trying to treat him the way you always have, with respect and love which is why you are feeling bad for not trusting him.
Unfortunately he isn't treating you with the same considerations is he ? He is leading a double life, he has a whole world of friends, support network and a home life all ready for him to step into when he has dropped his bomb. He is timing this for when it's convenient for him and all his domino's are lined up.
I wouldn't advise turning up at his flat or calling the number just yet, I'd be organising my own domino rally.
Legal advice, accountant, contacting the holiday firm and changing the details so that I went on holiday with a good friend instead. I'd tell him nothing but I would prepare for the blow he is about to deal you.
Just like the other gransnetters who have had similar situations, my advice to you would be to forget the man you thought you were sharing your life with and take a good look at the man he has become. You will get angry, absolutely crazy angry and rightly so, you will get so lonely that you even think you wished you'd stayed blissful in your ignorance. All this will pass and you will be happier for it , good luck in whatever you decide

There is the makings of half a dozen novels here !
Just ask him if he is calling/seeing the woman and what is he going to do about it , no need for spying etc

Been in your exact same situation, and yes he will make up excuses. So my advise would be to get to the flat before he does, make an excuse to leave the house ( going to a friends/ family for lunch whatever is plausible) find a good spot to park up so you can see the the entrance to the flat but so he can’t see you and wait and watch to see who goes in, have your phone ready so you can take a picture.Once you’ve seen him go in and if she’s there as well then call him with an reason to chat if he doesn’t answer then call her and ask to speak to him then he’s caught. However she may not answer an unknown number or if he’s clever she may know your number already and been told not to answer it. If she knows about you and I’m guessing she does as they work together she’s not going to be forth coming with any info in fact she may be pleased you know cos she will hope you will kick him out so she can have him.I was turned into a right detective when I had it done to me as he denied denied denied and I knew my intuition was right. If you would like any advise or just chat message me privately. I would definitely get 100% proof before you tackle him or he will pull wool over your eyes. Stay strong.

Why do you feel guilty about looking at the phone bill? Surely you can look to see if it is correct and say you questioned the number. Turn up unannounced at the flat, if only husband there be prepared to stay and see his reaction, perhaps trying to cancel his visitor turning up. Of course if other party is there then you have all the proof you need.

tempting as it would be to turn up at the flat or tell him you know, I'd actually spend the time gathering up all possible financial documents, and the evidence you have and ideally ask a friend if you can store it with her for a little while, after you've had the chance to look for suspicious activity. And yes, look at his stuff in his own name too and take copies so you know what accounts he has. I'd see what he packs up for holiday too. Then I'd see a solicitor and find out what best to do next, maybe 2 solicitors, get recommendations
One urgent thing I did was make a will cutting cheating husband off, if you hold the house jointly rather than as tenants in common you'd need to split the tenancy. This would be a solicitor who dealt with wills rather than the divorce solicitor
As to when you actually file I don't know but it would be very satisfying if a letter were to fall on OW's mat the day after he left
And head for chump lady's website and forums, lots of support there, wish I'd found her sooner
As for the number, I'd not ring it, maybe a neighbour or relative whose number your husband won't know could ring it and ask foryour husband [or if you know her name ask if that's so and so]

If your home is in joint name's you cannot change the locks. As property is still legally his until a divorce settlement. I know it is tempting but you will be told by solicitor it is not legal, don't waste your money on locks yet!!