Not my husbands priority

When I was widowed, every time I mentioned I needed a job doing my son would volunteer, it was lovely to see him but I knew how busy he was, but he insisted. Then one day he came, he looked unwell and he had bad cold. I never mentioned any jobs again, I don't see him much but he does ring me. I knew that in a few years he would be the age my husband was when he died, so I stepped back. I think the world of him and want him to be with his family. Sometimes I feel like asking for something just to see him, but I remember why I backed off. His family did come first but he felt responsible for me, that is probably how your husband I'd, try to book the odd weekend away, go with him one week to his mothers and on the way back home off for lunch somewhere. He sound such a lolely caring man and some mothers do take advantage I think.

Frufru have you tried talking to you Mil? Woman to woman. If you explained that you're worried about his health..even if that's a white lie, she may put less demand on him. You could say you want to book a holiday as a break and get her to suggest something she thinks he'll like. Get her buy in so she's not put out. Then while you're away, tell him how much you look forward to seeing him when he comes home from work and it would be nice if he relaxed at home more..I don't think he realises how it's affecting him being at the neck and call of his mother..it's not healthy particularly as he is the black sheep, the siblings and mother feed off his insecurities, that's cruel and it needs to stop. Hope this is helpful ??

frufru I can understand why you resent your husband spending a large proportion of his - and your - precious free time at his mum's. I imagine it is particularly galling when you say that your mother in law has been really horrible to you.

I don't know what your husband's relationship is like with his mum but, since she sounds rather selfish, it could be that the message he (and his siblings) has always got from her, and continues to get, is that nothing he does is good enough. Possibly the siblings are competing with each other to please her. I am only guessing but when adult children seem to be excessively at the beck and call of a parent, it is sometimes a pattern that goes back a long way.

On the other hand, it is a dreadful experience to lose a partner and it could be your husband is just very sensitive and caring and feels that, currently, his mum needs him more than you do. I do, though, think the amount of time he spends with her is too much, particularly as other members of the family see her frequently.

Some people are just very manipulative and demanding and it could be that your husband is in a very difficult place at the moment. If it were me, I would be resentful too but I would try not to be and would let things lie for a while. If this situation continues for several months more, I think you must try and calmly explain to him how you feel, rather than risk bottling it all up and then having an explosive argument.

I understand how you feel,my situation has been almost the same for many years now.He visited every weekend and then she was in a care home and he went every other day.
It was his choice.
I accept that I'm way down the list of his priorities,but if I wasn't well I'd suddenly come up to the top or very near!mso I'll settle for being well enough to be way down the list!

Oh now I do feel sorry for him. He's competing for her approval/affection and that's sad. He's trying to prove that he's as good as his siblings. Is he the middle one? I can see why you would feel unhappy that having been home alone for much of the week you'd love to spend couple time at the weekend. Why not do as some have suggested and take more of a proactive approach? Ask him to bring his mum for lunch or suggest you meet for lunch the three of you. She can't have that many jobs needing doing. I would just tell him you'd like to spend more time with him and suggest planning one weekend away, giving enough time for MiL to get used to the idea that he's not going that weekend. Two can play games- make your moves to win.

Thank you for all of your replies x yes, you’re right he is a gem! To put some of this into context I don’t work due to disability, so spend a lot of time during the week on my own! So I look forward to him being at home......but then he goes off when his mother clicks her fingers! He’s the black sheep, his brother and sister can do no wrong but he’s gets criticised all the time x the ‘jobs’ his mother asks him to do are a flimsy excuse, I think she’s playing games!

I would intervene speedily.
Your husband has one day a week at home and chooses to spend half of it at his mother's house, who has a list of jobs for him to do. Very unfair of both of them. I presume he then comes home to a meal you have prepared for him?

My father used to visit his widowed mother every Friday night to Saturday lunchtime, the cause of many rows between my parents, until she died when she was ninety -four.
When I was married, every time we visited my in-laws my mother in law had a list of jobs for my husband; we once spent the entire six weeks of our summer holiday( both teachers), staying in their new house doing jobs for them prior to them moving. Cause of many rows.

He's a mummy's boy

You are not needy or unreasonable to expect to spend some time with your husband.

My late mil was the same. Once my dh retired it was expected that he would spend much of his time with her. I used to get really annoyed about it and we had many rows.

In the end I learned to use the time he was there to do what I wanted to do and found spending time alone was rather nice as it gave me freedom to develop new hobbies.

In the end, her demands became excessive and led him to reduce the amount of time he could 'spare' to do this and that and drink endless cups of tea ( my mil disliked me from the word go because I had stolen her son). In turn I disliked her intensely because of her nastiness towards me.

I would say let him do what he wants, he will eventually find his own balance.

Hi FruFru, it's hard to imagine how your DH is in himself with little info. Does he do a hard manual job, desk job, have a tough boss? Is he the type to work longer by nature rather than a more disciplined type who'd out the door asap?
No one person is enough to make another's life so I hope that you are interested in some things of your own.
If he's on a treadmill at the moment, what about buying something for him - a little treat he'd not buy for himself, eg a book, a massage, a facial, a plant, chocolate, something for himself. Wrap and handover at lunch saying you know hes busy and no time to treat himself, acknowledging his current routine. Without creating an agenda, the conversation might open up w bit then, or later and you could do as others have suggested and look towards time away.
A walk in the country, by a river or the sea with a treat tea or meal could be relaxing.
Good luck

Number 1... how many jobs can this mother have that he has to be there every sunday
Number 2.... where are his siblings in all this job doing he seems to enjoy.
Number 3...do your own jobs at home so he doesn’t have to.
Number 4...when he comes home at lunchtime...obviously for his lunch...try not being there. See how that sits!

How old is she? How is her health? If it is jobs like putting the bins out, changing light bulbs etc the others could easily do them. Does she need a home help? Does she think up jobs so she has the company of your husband? How far away is she from you? Had a similar situation with my late mil so I really don't think you are being unreasonable. No easy answers.

How does the mother keep having so many jobs for him to do. If he goes every week, her house must be perfect!!

I know quite a few mothers who expect this from their sons...and daughters!
My mother goes on continually about how my children should be doing their bit for me. When I point out that both parents work, have very little time to themselves and have the right to their own lives, she gets very sniffy. I just don't want my kids to end up like me, running around like a blue tailed fly after an ungrateful mother!

I feel similarly about my husband of 32 years, who retired in 2017. No, it wouldn't suit him or me for him to be 'hanging around the house' all day: I'm still working as a freelance and like to potter at times, whereas he prefers to keep busy. When he goes out I can set my own timetable a bit! But I've always felt that he put work (he worked far longer hours than he was paid for), church commitments and the children before me, and now it's church and my mother, who has narcissistic personality disorder and prefers my husband to me. I'm grateful to him for taking on many of the caring duties so I can work, but she takes advantage and treats him as if he were her husband, not mine. He rarely does anything just for his own pleasure; almost always for duty, though if that is his choice I ought to accept it. As I have persistent back pain too we can't get out as much as normal, so our relationship is rather like that of housemates, not a couple. I feel very torn over all this!

A caring son will make a caring husband....so you are lucky Frufru x

I haven't read all the replies, so apologies if someone else has mentioned or suggested it, but I wonder, if given a bit of time his visits will become more sporadic, once he feels his mother is coping and there are less things to do?

I had a similar situation a few years ago, with my husband feeling obliged to visit a close relative every weekend and my suggestion not to go so often was met with 'I can't abandon her', so I kept quiet and slowly the visits started to become further apart.

Frufru I can see how sidelined you must feel but I think the onus is on you to make changes somehow or other as it's clear your hubby is setting into what he feels to be an obligatory routine that he can accommodate. He believes he has a duty to his mother which is understandable, and as his siblings visit regularly during the week he feels he must also pull his weight, but it does only leave you with half a day of his company, so maybe the time has come for you to make overtures to your mil in some way despite her nastiness to you. You say it's your choice to keep away from her but perhaps a rethink is necessary in order to reassert your needs for your hubby's company. Perhaps suggest that instead of hubby going over to hers early Sunday morning and spending time with her doing jobs, he asks his siblings to do the jobs as they are more frequent visitors, and he brings his mother back to yours so that you can make lunch for the three of you, or maybe go out together for lunch, and then persuade him to take her back (with you) mid-afternoon and do something as a couple thereafter. You need a break to the routine otherwise it will go on forever. I also wonder why he works six days a week and long hours - is there no possibility that he can remote work for a couple of days each week and be in the house with you - are you at home all day lone, or are you working yourself? I know as a bereavement counsellor that after a death new routines can be established that were only ever intended as emergency/interim measures. It seems to me that your hubby has stepped into a new role for himself and that whilst it's natural he might want to offer this level of care for his mother, it's by no means necessary that it should become exclusive. You have to step in one way or another if you don't want this to continue - have you actually asked him how long he envisages this pattern of visiting will last - is it going to be forever? Do you have children and grandchildren? It seems like a straight choice between splitting his time between you and his mum but really that's not very healthy.

I know quite a few mothers who expect this from their sons and wonder that they don’t realise the added stress they put on their sons/daughters. My husband died in his 40s and I have a lovely son who has had a child later in life and is self employed. They only live 20 mins away and there are many times I would like help with things that need attention but I cope because his family come first and he needs time for himself as well. I realise I am lucky because financially I can afford to get jobs done and there are some wonderful gardeners , plumbers and handymen in the village where I live. Life is so short and although it would be nice to have him to myself more often, I want him to enjoy being with his own family and visit me when he has time, either on his own or with the family, just to chill, so I do understand what you are saying Frufru.

Is your mil in competition with you to get his attention and using the I'm on my own tactic? If so then so far she is winning. I think I would go round there with your dh to see just what he does do whilst there. Are all these jobs necessary as someone else has said? If you go then you will soon find out and she will have to accept you as a pair rather than trying to drive a wedge between you. She would probably love to split you up and have him live with her. My mil never lost the opportunity to put the boot in and once she lost her h seemed to spend a lot more time thinking how she could score one over me

I think your MIL is very lucky to have her family calling in every day of the week and making sure she is coping after the loss of your FIL there are many people out there who do not get this level of support.
Please don't class yourself as needy you are his wife and deserve his company did he do this when his father was alive or just the past 6 mths maybe things will get less as the time goes on.
I would sit down with him and tell him how much you miss his company not just to do household jobs but to be your companion on days out etc.

I’m sympathetic too. My husband was a total workaholic. His workplace was where he felt happiest. You know the saying “When they die, nobody ever says “I wish I spent more time at the office.” That wasn’t true for him and in fact he was still going on about work in his last hours.

What we had was a definite, non negotiable, which was Sunday brunch (after he had been to work on Sunday morning) afternoon outing and Sunday night chill out.

Maybe it’s the time he spends at work that needs to be cut, not the time he spends with his mother. Good luck though. I never managed it!

A lot of young people have a date night when things start to go slightly pear shaped. I can appreciate how you feel because you obviously want some quality time with your husband. My daughter has the same situation as you and she doesn't find it easy either whilst the rest of the world looks on, admiring her husband's kindness to everyone else along with his work ethic. Meanwhile she is quite lonely and resentful because she feels she is the last person to be considered.
Maybe you can have an evening meal out once a week when you get time to actually sit and talk. I think the request for 1 Sunday in 4 is not too much to ask either. I'd be inclined to gild the lily with by not nagging him about spending too much time with others but telling him how much I miss him, how I hadn't appreciated how much I loved his company but am missing it now and how lovely he is but you would like him to slow down a bit so he doesn't join his stepfather.

Whatever you do, please don't make him feel guilty. My father, an only child, used to visit his mother every Saturday when she lived about 50 miles away. He would return home with a migraine. He didn't particularly like his mother and she was never keen on my mum. I loved her, but that's another story. He developed cancer and, at that time (35+ years ago) there was a theory that people who buttoned things up might be more likely to suffer. He was one of those people - he never talked about how he felt but his my siblings and I would have understood.

I do think that you are luckier than some. I used to work with someone whose mother-in-law lived with my colleague and her husband for more than 30 years - she said that she had heart problems and DIL didn't get on with her.

There are some rather harsh comments on here especially as we don't know the whole story but I do have sympathy for you Frufru, as I am in a similar situation. I don't really know what to advise. I just hope you can work through this and come to an arrangement that suits all of you.