Husband's adult son is a cuckoo in the nest

It comes down to one thing, always. That is, you can’t change what others do, think, feel. You can only change how YOU decide to react to it.
The ball is in your court. Having said that, I know that we never love our partners children the way we love our own. We don’t make the same allowances. That’s just the way it is. There can be resentment and jealousy. But t
You have to do what YOU want. And accept the consequences. You can’t have it all.

In your situation, if I could afford to move I would. I have regretted hanging on in situations that I thought would improve more than any pro-active choices I have made.
Obviously your current legal situation is very relevant. If either of you own the house, don't move without protecting your position. If you rent, check the notice you need to give under the tenancy agreement.
If this behaviour is out of character and the son's problems are such that it would be wrong of his father not to give him support, then there may be some room for discussion but it doesn't sound as if this is unusual.

I see the main issue here is your husbands total lack of respect for your feelings. You went along with him living with you, but now it’s gone too far. Of course it’s great that your husband is supporting his son, however, we all know that kids need tough love, not indulgent and lacking in respect. It’s your hime too so your feelings matter as much as anyone’s. Personally I would go in the room and blitz it and let them both know that is how you expect to find it every week, if not .... go on a 2 week holiday alone, don’t tell them you are even going, leave a note and your reasons why ......and explore your own feelings and make your decisions for your return. Let them know that you are serious and are not prepared to be treated like this anymore.

I am in agreement with paddyanne on this would you prefer it if your DH washed his hands of him I would tread very carefully and wouldn't put DH in position where he has to make a choice the three of you need to work together on it as for his room go in and open the windows everyday

I get that some people will look after their 'kids' no matter what, but unless there are mental health issues that need addressing it sounds as though your husband and his son are a pair of piss takers. Your husband is ignoring your feelings and excluding you from important decisions, and his son is a lazy, dirty overstayer. No good mollycoddling grown men that need a hefty kick up the arse. If neither of them have an iota of respect, if they both think this situation is OK, then maybe you do need to get the fuck out of there. Neither of these men will change anything if they are enjoying a cushy life so if you can make changes perhaps that is the way to go. I feel for you and wish you luck whatever you decide to do.

I agree with others that the main problem here is Lack of Respect - from both your Husband and his Son. If someone is going to live in your home, for more than a few weeks, then he needs to pull his weight in terms of housework, washing, etc. you certainly shouldn't be doing any of his washing (let your husband do that - it's his son) and only cook occasionally for him. Tell your husband that HE is being cruel to his son because he's treating him like a child and not like an adult - so how on earth can he ever be independent (unless being dependent is how your husband likes him?) But fundamentally, this is not about his son, it's about your relationship with your husband which sounds as though it's not a healthy one. Please take legal advice; only then will you be able to take a clear decision. And I agree with others - move out for a week or so, so that your husband will have to do everything. Either it will come as a shock to him and he will agree to change the arrangement, or he won't care - in which case you have your answer (the marriage is over; sorry).

Move and do not give him the new address.

Many wise things have been said. If you really want to stay with your husband would it be possible for you as a couple to suggest you pay the rent on a flat, say for three months, for his son to move into to help him out and then he takes it on. That way your husband could go and visit and you would get some balance. I would be reluctant to be the one who moved.

Apologies Rowan55

And many apologies to Rowantree if you read this thread

So he works, at least.

My eldest son (now 37) has been back to live here a couple of times, when his relationship broke down. He had very bad depression, as he had left the mother of his children (she was violent and drunk), and she was being difficult with regards to access. Because of the money he was paying out for his children, bills, etc., he couldn't afford to get a place to live.

I have to say that despite my sympathy for you, I think perhaps your stepson needs help - be it antidepressants (if appropriate), a loan to get his started in his own place, or practical help of looking for somewhere to live.

Yes this is Rowan55 and it’s her first post and only post

jalima it’s not rowantree, it’s rowan55 - another instance of a very similar username being allowed on GN.
I wish HQ were more discerning about this and didn’t allow it, because it’s really not fair on the member who got in first.

“He has a clever ways of always putting me at fault”. This phrase disturbs me as it sounds very controlling, Rowan55. I wouldn’t put up with my children behaving like slobs nor would my DH with his children. It sounds as if both of them are disregarding your views totally so perhaps removing yourself from the situation would be a possibility. However, as others have said this could lead to unforeseen permanent changes in your marital relationship. Tread carefully and perhaps visit the CAB for some legal advice.
Good luck with whatever you decide.

You need to discuss it together - all three of you- - Rowantree. Your DH cannot ignore your views as it is your home too.

However, I must ask the question ' "How would you feel if it was your son. How would you tackle this?"

Febreeze works wonders, though I would add that there are other brands available.

Does this not say more about your love or not of your husband I think It’s a really difficult situation for you but your husband obviously wants to support his son but is scared to include you as he knows you are so upset and annoyed about it If you really could consider moving out is your marriage that strong?
Can you not set some ground rules, completely blitz the room and take over bunging his stuff in the washing machine once or twice a week that’s what I d do but I don’t think you like this young man at all and are resentful of his arrival which is understandable but is it really worth breaking up your marriage over
Bradfordlass the poster has said she does nothing for the son so your sentence expecting you to do all the work is not actually factual
I think this young man is the test of your love for your husband
Good luck as I can’t see him going anywhere

I didn't mean to sound harsh but someone has to take a stand because if the issue is not adressed, nothing will happen
He's 26, he works and probably has a social life. He doesn't annoy your husband who can't see the problem
You find him intolerable. There may be an underlying problem in the marriage but while you are focussing on the young man, you will be unable to look at your own relationship clearly.
I wasn't suggesting you made him homeless but what good would it do you leaving your home. It would make them both feel very guilty and not solve anything.

The main problem seems to be the lack of respect by Rowan's husband, he has not talked any of this through with her. How can the issues be resolved if he treats her like this.
I agree with Luckygirl its your home too Rowan .

Entirely my thoughts your children are your children forever not lodgers to kick out a5 a set age and I do think that I would take mine in til my dying days. I do however know they have respect. I currently have two adult children still living at home trying to save enough for deposits on their own homes.

Can I add that there is nothing that would make me turn my back on either of my children ,and I admire any man who will do the same .

does the son have mental health issues? My son came home after his relationship broke up,his room was exactly how you describe this young mans .Frankly he couldn't have cared less about anything except his baby daughter .After we got the access sorted , decorated a room for her and she was here for half the week he perked up but it took a long time for him to sort his life out.She's still her ,he's living with a new partner and the baby who is almost 10 stays part of the time with them..but this is still her home.There will be a reason he's like this ,maybe his dad knows more than he's saying

I do not think it is just about your son. You have a husband who does not work together with you as a team, but who is in cahoots with his son. This is your home too and he cannot organise the future of your "lodger" without involving you. That is fundamentally wrong, and personally I would tell him so.

What is your financial interest in the home? Who does it belong to?

The very fact that your partner treats you with such disdain is a red flag.
Not consulting you, not taking your wishes into consideration? But expecting you to do all the work in patient silence?
That's abuse - and if you Google 'abuse wheel' you will see it's not just black eyes and broken limbs on there.

Do you want to leave permanently, with all that will imply?
If you're leaving as a bluff to bring husband to heel and get his son out, be aware it may not work in your favour.
That's your big decision.

From what I read, there's more than a stinky son causing problems; rational discussion with your husband simply gets nowhere.

A lot of hard thinking on your part now, not just about Old Stinky, but about what YOU want from life.

2 years!!! You have put up with this cuckoo far too long.
I wouldn't have lasted a month.
We host young people for working holidays and get to know quite a few. I often select people whose reviews describe them as thoughtful and tidy!
I inwardly thank their parents mothers for bringing them up so well.
Occasionally we get one who hasn't a clue how to keep themselves or their room clean.
They don't last long. I tell them it's not working out and sorry they had better look for another host. They are surely a parasite, like your young man.

Thankyou for your help, I have been mulling this over for ages prior to today. Wise words indeed from all of you, am exploring my options, and will not do anything in haste, but enough is enough, and the beggars are getting me down.