Spiteful mothers

It's not all mothers, but some do, as do some dad's. . They see it as punishing the other parent but it is the child that suffers. There are some who actively bite their tongue and promote positivity around the child, but it is rare. I feel for you. Did you have a good relationship with your DIL? If so, maybe reach out to her?

If you listen to my partner's daughter's ex, you would think she was the one causing problems. In fact, she has tried to keep to some sort of arrangement, it is him & his new wife who keep messing about as it suits him.
The kids have noticed, it probably won't be long before they say they don't want to go.
They do have their grandad, and also their nanny (dad's mother), who both do their best to keep the peace.

Oops to early - event though partner “the idiot” refused to see his child for 16 months.

Not all ex daughter in laws are the devil incarnate.

My daughter went out of her way to ensure that her ex partners parents saw GC every week, even though partner “

Then there are the grandparents and extended family that walk away from their grand children when their son walks out on his family. Won't even acknowledge them when they meet them in the newsagent. Very distressing for the children who were 3 & 5 at the time.

Once a the marriage is over, your ex-DIL shouldn't be expected to facilitate any visits between her children and her husbands extended family. This is a responsibility that now rests with your son. Married or not, he should have filed for partial custody of his child. And once custody is granted, you as their grandmother can visit with your grandchildren during your sons visitation hours. It would be great if ex-DIL took it upon herself and arranged these visits with you, but you can't expect her to do it, otr get upset when it doesn't get done.
Why aren't/haven't your sons facilitated visits with thier own through a court of law?

If he has not filed for partial custody, then you need to discuss this with him, as opposed to getting upset with ex-DIL and branding the mothers as being spiteful and brainwashing their grandchildren.

I'd further take a moment to re-evaluate and reflect on the situation at hand - if you have 3 grandchildren but don't get see any of them. Again what are all of your sons doing to rectify this? Why haven't they gone to court and obtained a legally binding visitation order? This way the visitaton schedules for the entire calendar year is all planned out in advance, without these expectations that later only lead to disappointments?

Or is there some other underlying issue that led to these family separations that would bar your sons from gaining partial custody/visitation of their own children, and that you as the grandmother are not privy to? Not sure why the blame gets passed on to "mothers," when there are times the men have also quickly moved on with their single lives of moved onto new relationships, don't want to pay child support, have been abusive, simply couldn't be bothered with custody/visitation arrangements etc. This is not an excuse for DIL to be spiteful but it still doesn't negate the fact that it's no longer her responsibility to facilitate visitations with the paternal grandparents.

I feel horrible for you but this is now your sons responsibility. Not unless ex-DIL is violating a granted court order, which in that case your son would have to take her back to court, but she'd now face the risks of violating a court order and loosing custody of her children altogether. So I doubt this is the case. Work on getting access to your grandchildren through your sons.

Why do so many exMILs feel it’s their former DILs responsibility to ensure ongoing contact with grandchildren? If a couple divorces one of the great trade offs is that at least you don’t have to put up with your exILs any longer unless you want to. That’s your sons role to facilitate the relationship with your grandkids. If your son doesn’t have contact then he needs to go to court. Once he has access, you will too.

Thanks GG13 xx

CrazyH ??

Don't mean to be Bluebelle....I'm in a strange mood ...one of my best friends has just passed away and I'm taking it out on GN.........sorry !

That’s a bit unkind CrazyH and very simplistic

This is such a sad story, so Is your poor son not seeing his child at all? Encourage him to speak to a solicitor and arrange a court date asap, this way residence/visitation can be settled quickly and without your grandson going months without seeing his dad.

Unfortunately I think you may be barking up the wrong tree expecting your ex-daughter in law to be the one to arrange your visitation. In this day and age it seems that when separated, each parent aranges visits with their side of the family, on their time. At least that’s how it goes with my family & friends with divorced/separated adult children.

Daughters in law are exactly what they are.......a law unto themselves. Their husbands and their families have to follow the rules.

On many occasions ( and on here) I have heard it said that there are two sides to every story. My mother always said there were three sides to every story, his, hers, and the truth ( which was probably halfway between the two).

Indeed, there are two sides to every story. Even if you decide to ask her to get together, I'd suggest not discussing your son or the break-up at all. A parent's instinct is always going to be to protect a child. Nothing wrong with that in principle. The issue is that you don't know exactly what transpired between the two of them, and it is very hard for a parent to remain impartial as they are by definition not an objective observer.

Your best bet right now would be to encourage your son to maintain a relationship with his child. Then you can speak to him about the potential for you to see the child on his time. This is the case in most situations where the parents are not together - each parent takes responsibility for the grandparents on his or her side seeing the child.

Very sensible advice oldbatty

Put it on hold until this cold, dark and emotionally charged time of year has passed.

I have been an ex daughter-in-law, have an ex daughter-in-law myself, and my daughter has an ex partner.

I think I have an extremely knowledgeable insight to "ex" problems.

Its possibly a reaction to something your son has done or said, as you have no way of knowing what exactly has transpired between him and the ex.
I'm not saying it is, but if you've got on up until now then that may be the case.

There are some spiteful mothers and someneglectful fathers. Always have been, always will be.

I do not think things have changed much over the years.

Sweetpea I am sorry. I know only too well how heartbreaking this situation is, sadly so do many many others. The women have all the power when it comes to who sees the children. You'll get silly comments from people who haven't experienced what you're going through and imho they should butt out. I understand completely the angst and upset this causes, made worse by he worry you will have for your sons pain too.

Look after yourselves.

I can't make it better but I do understand.

So are you saying you have two or even three spiteful mothers in your life? That’s unlucky bad enough having one
If you ve always got on great with this daughter in law how come she is denying you access Can you let her know that your staying neutral and not siding with your son, that is if you’re not of course

Thank you for your reply Sweatpea, it sounds like your daughter-in-law is having a hard time herself.

I apologise if my response seemed harsh, my only defence is that there seems to be so many anti daughter-in-law threads.

Try to be patient with her, maybe send a friendly text, anything low key to keep the lines of communication open.

sweetpea if you have always got on, do you think that this was a spur of the moment decision by your DIL, done in anger, upset and hurt? Not right, but probably human! Could you try getting in touch with her, asking to meet for tea and a chat? Talking to her about how you understand how painful this all is, how much you love your grandson and how much you have always enjoyed your relationship with her. Ask if there is some way a new sort of relationship can be worked out that benefits her son/ your grandson and maybe her as well, with childcare etc. Plus talk about how you would like to keep in touch with her too as the mother of your grandson who you have enjoyed a nice relationship with.

Sweetpea60 have to agree with you about some women today, they have no feelings for MILs who have supported them for years. I divorced when my son was eight and could never have been so cruel to my ex and MIL by keeping my son from them. Do they not know the damage it does to a child. It’s telling them that one half of them is bad and should be shunned. Is this child abuse?