I have a long-standing male friend who I have had several tiffs and good times with over several years. We are both widowed and having just begun to see each other more often now after several months break, he is beginning to repeat the old behaviour of wanting to know what I’m doing and know my diary contents. We made up this time on the grounds that our friendship has to be free and easy. I feel he is a very controlling man and today when I wouldn’t get my diary out to check dates he lost it again and became very child like and spat his dummy out. We are now not speaking and he has told me to cancel all the dates we did have together. He is so childlike. I just did not want to be controlled again like before. Ideas please? I know he gets depressed and is having treatment and I’m sorry for him I guess but I don’t want to be throttled again and end up myself in a state of anxiety.
Please keep away from him. I was married for seven years to a man who became a monster. It is only many years after he died that i fully realised how much i was controlled. It has taken this amount of time to get my self esteem back. It didn't happen all at once - it is insidious. By the time he died, i didn't listen to Radio 4 in case it disturbed him and had cancelled my own newspaper to keep the peace. Too many more things to mention in a post!
Anyway, i did survive and am enjoying life again. My very best wishes to you.
This is called coercive control. This is how it starts, you really don't want to know how it ends. It is now a criminal offence, when it gets a little bit more serious. Don't let the relationship go there. I suggest saying something like " We are fundamentally different in our outlooks on life, this relationship is never really going to work".
Do not make up. this is potentially a very toxi relationship. See a counsellor to discuss and think over the type of relationships you desire and go for those. Join your local University of the third Age (U3A) find some interesting classes to attend. Talk to one new person each time. Join in the U3A social events - Christmas dinners, going to the theater, visiting museums etc. You will soon find your feet in a set of new relationships and one day you may find someone more special. Good luck.
This is what the Human Givens Therapist's site says
improve relationships — relationship difficulties are often self-perpetuating because our beliefs and reactions to one another trigger patterns of behaviour which stop us solving them. When couples want to stay together but are having problems, human givens therapists can help.
naturally you don't have to be a couple to get help.
I have not seen previous posts on this subject from you and I don’t mean to be harsh but can think of no reason why you are still pursuing any sort of relationship with this man. Do you enjoy the drama on some level? Do you need a companion to go out with or are you quite independent? If you continue to go back to him I believe you are ‘enabling ‘ (psycho term ?) his behaviour and he will never learn. Good luck with it all
This must be horrible for you. Listen to your gut instinct which I hope is telling you to stay away from this awful man. He won't change and your sympathy is ill-founded. LTB as they say on Mumsnet (leave the bastard) and I'm sure you won't regret it. He will find another victim, sure enough.
This does not sound like a healthy relationship for either of you. It sounds like he needs counselling and professional help. Glad you clarified "Throttled" as to us it means a physical hands round the neck scenario...not good!
Good luck but I would be supportive on the periphery of this one till he gets professional help.
OOnana has been given this advice previously, from what others have said, but didn't take that advice or learn from her experience with this man. What advice does she want from gransnetters now? Stay with him and continue as a doormat having a miserable life? Lots of us on here have happy and fulfilled lives without the need of a 'man friend'. You know from previous and current advice EXACTLY what to do oonana.
However lonely you are, you do not need a man at any price he may wish to exact! Find other friends, male and female, to spend time with. If you still feel lonely, get a dog. Best of luck
I agree with everyone else’s comments. Life is too short to have to put up with behaviour like this from anyone, whether friend or family. Drop him and move on. I would rather be happy on my own than miserable in a relationship. Good luck.
Cut him out of your life now, the more you try and smooth things over, the worse his behaviour will be. Nobody needs a “friend” who acts like that to get his own way.