Difficult DIL- time to deal with it?

autumnsun

I don't think most DILs use their children as a weapon. I think they choose to go NC as a last resort. For example, Hubby is on ELC with his father and I am NC. If we have more children FIL will not be meeting them. This is due to his toxic behaviour and my desire not to submit our children to his behaviour. Hubby agrees with me that FIL is out of line and actually was the one to instigate the ELC.

I think sometimes there are DILs who genuinely are not nice people, but the ones whose stories I have heard and read, at least, seem not to fall into that category.

I think it's probably hard to articulate yourself on here as you are probably only telling half a story most of the time

IrishRose etc Fairydoll Old Meg all good advice Aggy21 much love BUT i do think dil use their children as a weapon which equates with the old ways of mil using THEIR power its' just a swing the other way unfortnately as has most things you would think we would have got it right by now!
Can i just say in GP'S defense (not all) that i hate to say "in our day"but i have to We had to conform & now we have the opposite scenario where what can i say it's DIFFERENT soo consequently we actually have had the shit from both ends so to speak

Aggy as Fairydoll says. (((hugs)))

Fairydoll that is a good outcome, I so hope it gets even better for you all.

aggy

When in doubt, do nothing. Advice from my late mother quoting Winston Churchill!

Without going over my history with my DIL, suffice to say that although I tried to be whatever was expected of me - if that makes sense- I, along with my very docile DH, we’re accused of things we’d never done, said or thought. She cut us off three years ago. Our response to that was... nothing.
We never asked to visit the house again but were very fortunate that DS brought DGS to see us every week.
It’s amazing what time can do....recently she has made contact by text and email. I think possibly that she has had plenty of time to realise how badly she behaved. Just guessing though...
Don’t say anything to your DIL as likely she will deny there is a problem and then perhaps might start to avoid you. You just have to wait it out. Time can change things. Just step away.

Thanks everyone for taking the time to respond. A lot of wise advice, which is what I was looking for. My own mil is quite a volatile person and as a people pleaser kind of person, I’ve spent years trying to keep her happy. Therefore it irks even more that my film can’t even take the time to engage in everyday niceties. I’ve read enough self help books to know that it’s not the situation or person that causes the upset, it’s your reaction to it. Plus that you can’t change other people, only the way you deal with your feelings about them/ their behaviour. I can trot all this stuff out, but actually doing it is another matter. I should really just count my blessings, of which there are many and take a chill pill!

I’m the one that’s blessed ..... with two lovely ‘children’ who’ve married the people they love and have given me my wonderful grandchildren.

I love that, OldMeg! Very wise and your dil is blessed.

No, just meet her for a coffee and chat, but not about how you feel. Le her talk about things you have in common, her children and your grandchildren, that’s usually a safe topic.

Don’t do more than that.

In fact I’ve just texted my DiL saying it’s ages since we met for coffee and a natter and does she have a spare 30minutes for a catch up. That’s the way I keep it light and the relationship a happy one.

autumnsun I think that is a very interesting point you’ve just made. It certainly rings true that a lot of young people are much less likely to put up with being treated badly, and rightly so. As you say why should anybody be forced to allow another person to make them feel miserable. However the other side of the coin seems to be a complete lack of tolerance shown by some, for anyone who just isn’t their cup of tea.

I’d also add that for a lot of people the definition of family has changed. My ds is very protective of time with his family etc. However he seems to forget that his family does extend beyond his wife & my dgs.

What you write Aggy is similar to my own experience, and that of others here. However, there is one big difference. You see your grandchildren, you have an ongoing relationship with them. I don’t have that and it is heartbreaking. It is however, the one thing you must cling to. Fight for, but in a way that may sadly mean walking on eggshells. Rightly or wrongly, you have to accept whatever conditions are imposed on you. If that means putting up with coldness, bad manners etc, then so be it. The days of respect for those who played a huge part in the making of the man they presumably love, are long gone.

You need also to accept that nothing you say or do will change the way your daughter-in-law treats you. Especially not after ten years. Who knows why so many daughters-in-law feel the need to airbrush out their partners family, particularly the husbands mother. I’ve been a counsellor for many years, and I have seen and heard enough which, added to my own personal experience, gives me some good ideas. But the only conclusion I have reached is that you can’t win.

The person you do need to talk to is your husband. Show him this thread, google estranged grandparents. He needs to know how easily he could lose his grandsons.

I would encourage your son to bring his children without their mother, where possible. It’s probably what she wants anyway. Don’t make plans for holidays together, or any other activities which will just flag up the problems, even exacerbate them. Like I have had to do, put away the dreams of a loving, caring family with everyone smiling and happy. Just treasure the ones who love you, and let go of those who don’t.

Also can i say equally i wouldn't wish any dil to have to make their lives miserable by having to see me in the old days we had to but i don't want to be responsible for making someone else's life more pressured than it already is(especially these days) no matter weather you like them or not i also accept unfortunately younger people are more assertive these days which is in someways a good thing but also feel sad that perhaps they are a bit more selfish overall & expect more

I’m so sorry, Aggy. Families can be so complicated can’t they.

My instinct is to say yes talk to her. However I am not sure if I’m being too simplistic, as I am blessed with a dil who greatly values family. If you believe that underneath the unnecessary hostility your dil is a reasonable person it could be worthwhile trying to have a conversation. Saying that, I can fully appreciate where smileless is coming from, regarding rocking the hornets nest. Is you’re dil likely to see you attempting to chat to her as an attack? If that’s the case it could possibly make a bad situation worse.

I do think the couple of posters who suggested seeing your gc with just your son could be on to something. Could you possibly suggest it, coming from the angle of giving dil a break? (I’m just thinking that way you aren’t giving her any more reason to be distant, by saying outright that you don’t want her to visit).

Good luck, I hope you manage to find a solution.

Synonymous

You're fortunate that your son brought his boys to see you autumnsun. It is as you say hurtful when you've treated both d's.i.l. the same.

one of my dil likes me the other doesn't which is hard when you treat them both the same which is hurtful but you have to accept it so my son brings the boys over on his own so it works out for everyone dil gets a break from the boys as well & we don't have to see each other .I'm not spending my life bending over backwards for someone who obviously doesn' want to spend time me only her own family!everyone's a winner it's worked well for the last 5 years (life is too short) even now she's decided to go off with someone else it still works

Smileless I think I did that when I said to 'back off' because nobody would willingly put themselves in the firing line when the other party has all the ammunition and also has access to the ultimate deterrent.
I appreciate how hard it must be when you are in a similar situation too because how can you possibly not be empathetic when you know how much these things hurt. My own DMIL had a terrible time with her DIL1 and DIL2 so that by the time I married her DS3 I had a very difficult time coming close to her. We made it in the end and had the greatest respect and love for each other. We are all different even within families and my DH is very different to his brothers thank goodness and their wives were and are very unkind and self centered and shockingly worked hard at fragmenting the entire family. MIL backed right off from her other DILs for her own sanity but was much loved by all her GC. Family dynamics are a minfield to be recconoitered with great care and even then you can get badly hurt.

I hope things get better for you too.

Listen to Smileless, don’t stir the hornets nest. Listen to Synonomous, she doesn’t want to spend time with you. It’s unfortunate that she behaves badly when she’s made to but you can’t change that.

You can’t change her, you can change events. Can your son come on his own? It doesn’t have to be a family thing. Lots of people hardly see the in law.

Sometimes two perfectly nice people just happen to loathe each and every second in each others company is agony. Nothing wrong with either of them, just animal attraction n reverse.

I agree Synonymous but it might be more helpful if you occasionally addressed this type of problem from the point of view of the OP for a change.

Pull back and stop trying so hard. Don't bend over backwards. Stop making any extra effort. Invite them over and just grit your teeth. Nod and smile.

I'm not sure why it's causing problems with your husband though, surely he wants to see his grandchildren too?

There could be many reasons she's like this but I'd honestly stop trying and relax. Concentrate on your son and grandchild.

How glibly some posters refer to being cut out.

You are taking care Aggy and I'm sorry that having allowed you to treat her, your son and GC to a weekend away, you were treated so rudely.

Smileless I rather think that is because we are all different and consequently find ourselves in very different situations. I was under the impression that there is a value in discussion and seeing things from points other than our own and sometimes that is why we air these things on GN.
'Never' could well be a tad overstating it too!

As smileless says biting tongues is best for all concerned!

What a blessing that your DIL has not said all that she might have done or you might already be in the cut out situation! Take great care Aggy

Good grief Synonymous, why can you never see a situation like the OP's from their perspective?

There is nothing in the OP to suggest that the d.i.l. is being over whelmed, forced into a hothouse and forced to do things she doesn't want to do.

There is nothing insensitive and unkind in the OP but the same can't be said of your response.

I agree with Teetime Aggy once the hornets nest has been stirred it's difficult to put things on a better footing.

I understand your desire to see your son and GC and your husband's dislike of having your d.i.l. over if there's always an atmosphere.

How old are your GC? Would it be possible for your son to bring the children over occasionally without his wife coming as well?

I just don't understand why some d's and s's.i.l. resent spending time with their p's.i.l. and make it so obvious. I wonder how they'd feel if their partners exhibited the same behaviour toward their parents.

The most important thing is that you continue to see your son and GC. For some P's and GP's this is not the case as they've been cut out all together. Perhaps if you explained this sad fact to your husband he might come to see that this is worth biting his tongue over.

Good luck.

P.S. This not a competition with her parents - if you treat it as such be assured that you will lose!