Really really sad

Just to let you know, all your posts are going to be my bedtime reading. I will read them thoroughly.....I will take something from each and everyone of you. The wisdom, the insight, the comfort, your experiences and even your "chastisements" (which were neither rude nor offensive).
I will keep you posted. Seriously, I doubt I need proffessional counselling after talking to you all xx

CrazyH I’m so glad that you’ve gathered strength from all the posts. I agree with the majority that your relationship with your gs is much more important than the name but totally understand your feelings, I wouldn’t like to share my most important title with the woman who destroyed my marriage.
However I also feel it’s worth biting your tongue for a wee while and it will resolve itself. Just be the best Nanna you can and the little one will come up with something special.
Just a note in answer to posters who think bereavement, separation and divorce are similar in that they are all loss I disagree. I have friends who have been through one or the other or both and they are quite different. The death of a beloved spouse is a terrible and painful loss but he didn’t choose to leave, he left loving you and left you with good memories. A divorce, especially when he left for someone else is a betrayal, a painful ripping away of your memories and your self esteem.
I am not belittling bereavement in any way but there is a huge difference in my opinion.
Much love to everyone who has suffered painful loss from either.

I've always been Gran to my 4.
Then there's Granny G (mum of the father of dd's older 2)
Next is Granny M ( mother of dd's ex partner who is father to the younger 2)
We recently acquired Granny B (mum to my new SiL ).
And although they rarely see her there's Grandma J (dd's birth mother)
My ex's newish wife is Grandma ( no hangups at all as she is super) and she and I are closest to the gc's with frequent sleepovers.
I think your problems could have been avoided if ex's second wife had taken a different name but perhaps she was Nanna to her own gc's already.
As has already been said, the more loving adults children have around them, the better.

In the words of Mumsnet, this woman is one CF! Not only does she steal the husband away she now wants to muscle in and have the same name to Crazy's DGS. Obviously the DDil's don't get it, Crazy is not their DM but the DS should and have a quiet word with ex's wife and tell her she will be known as granny /grandma/real name/whatever. Crazy, please don't stay away on Sunday, go there bright and breezy and determined to be happy with your DGS. She obviously doesn't mind hurting your feelings but don't allow her to spoil your relationship with YOUR family. Big hugs!

The little ones are only 2 and already know you as Nanna, would a possibility be 'Yes, I'm Nanna Crazy and you've also got Nanna Cheat'? Actually using first names, nicknames, initials, surnames or some other identifier of course! Maybe their favourite toy at your house or a game you play.
One DGS used to run and grab a video I'd watched enthusiastically with him each time I arrived so I guess I'd have been Granny Pingu!
My son was shattered when his DD referred to her DM's new husband as 'Dad' but being 9 she realised and referred to her stepdad as 'John-Dad'.
Please don't let the thoughtlessness of some of your family members spoil the relationships you have with your younger DGC. The smiles when they see you and cuddles you get are far more important than what they call you.

crazyH for what it's worth, I think your decision to tag your name on to 'Nanny' is a good one.

Personally I don't think you ever get over a betrayal like your ex's, but you can carry on with your life and that's what you've done. It been my experience that daughters have a better understanding of the sensitive stuff than sons. I knew my Dad would be affected when my Mum decided to remarry. My parents had been divorced for years, but one of them deciding to remarry was another step on their journeys. My brothers disagreed and were shocked at how my Dad felt. I think it was because nobody else was involved in the divorce and the divorce was years ago.

Truth is a lot of families sort out what the GC will call each grandparent before the baby is born to avoid any problems. Tagging on the first name is one solution and and using the various names for a grandmother or grandfather is another. My Mum is Granny to her step-grandchildren and their 'birth' grandparents have their names tagged on because both grandmothers wanted to be Nanny!

Make sure you tell your sons and DiLs what you have decided so they can use your extended name when talking to the GC.

PS Elrel I love your name suggestions!

in answer to posters who think bereavement, separation and divorce are similar in that they are all loss I disagree. I have friends who have been through one or the other or both and they are quite different. The death of a beloved spouse is a terrible and painful loss but he didn’t choose to leave, he left loving you and left you with good memories. A divorce, especially when he left for someone else is a betrayal, a painful ripping away of your memories and your self esteem.
I am not belittling bereavement in any way but there is a huge difference in my opinion

Yes there is a huge difference but not in the way you are saying,
Bereavement is not just about being on your own afterwards, and the “happy memories”you mention may be fighting for space with the memories of waiting for the ambulance, A&E, seeing your life partner fight for breath, knowing that he is being dragged away from you, from his children and will never see his grandchildren grow up, seeing him lifeless and still, sharing the devastation of his children, knowing that an entire life IS NO MORE.
So you have “friends who have experienced either or both.”
Clearly you have not yourself.
Frankly I wish I had never read this hurtful post because without wishing to sink to a petty squabble along the lines of “mine’s worse than yours” this is another load of clichés. I am surprised you did not trot out redundancy, retirement and divorce to complete the hand.
Betrayal or knowing what the person you love best in the world has suffered?
No contest.

CrazyH, I think adding your name to Nanna is a good idea, too. But your gc may still sometimes say "Nanna," not thinking anything of it. Please don't expect to be able to control that.

I understand if it's hard for you to be around xh's new wife and get why you might want to move. But wouldn't that mean seeing your ac and gc less often? Do you want that?

Loss, however occasioned, results in raw grief.
There can be no measure of the depth of grief felt.
It is not a contest, therefore, don't make it so.

I can understand how hurtful it must feel. I have step-children and their children have always called me by my first name. I’m not their grandmother and would not expect to be addressed as such.

CrazyH

Yes, I'm Nanna Crazy and you've also got Nanna Cheat'?

Elrel, that did make me laugh out loud!

My DGS call me Nanna, often tagging my first name on. DGS3 has recently been coming out with Nagger Maggie. I think someone may be coaching him - at any rate the DC seem to find it very amusing.

I do understand why you feel hurt, but are you sure that your ex-husband's wife wants to be called Nanna? It might just be your very small grandson's way of making sense of who she is, and really a compliment to you that another lady of your age is a Nanna, as well.

All his life my father referred to his grandmothers as Grandma Mill and Grandma McOwan, perhaps things have come full circle again and children are using Nanna in the same way now?

One of my DILS mother has had 3 partners. I have had two marriages. There are two little ones who have sorted out themselves what to call this pile of grandparents. They also have great grandparents to add. There's Grandpa..granddad...granddad G..Grandy. ..Then names for us various grandma's. None of us get upset. The boys love us equally. What's in a name?

Yes Flower, I am hoping that the toddlers will eventually sort the names out themselves. It's great that none of you get upset and that you are all ok with the family dynamics.

For those who advised on the Sunday visit.
I did text on Sunday lunchtime to say I would be popping in later that afternoon, but son texted to say they were out and suggested I go this evening, but DIL texted this afternoon to say they were working late. Son's text soon followed asking me to go Friday evening. I have taken your advice and tried xx

Stick to your guns Crazy. Any woman who thinks it's OK to have your cake and nick someone else's husband, and be called nanny, is barking up the wrong tree.

www.telegraph.co.uk/science/2016/04/27/women-who-are-cheated-on-win-in-long-term-while-other-woman-lose/

Our DGC have a multiplicity of GPS and GAPs and all the ladies are called Granny followed by where they live or a pet name and the children are not at all confused. Lots of love and cuddles!

I can quite understand how Crazy feels but do agree with other posters encouraging remarks. Be the best Mum and Nanna that you can be and make sure that you are 'a very tough act to follow"

Not GAPs but GGPs i.e. Great Grand Parents! Beastly tablet thinks it knows best! Grrr!

It’s a hard one, isn’t it? But then again no.
I hoped my husband’s daughter’s sons might call me Nana Denise but they never actually say it, just Denise.
My grandson in Spain has a third nana but she is simply a friend of my son. I did for a moment feel hurt and then I thought, well, what about my husband’s ex-wife. Would calling me Nana Denise feel bad to her?
I eventually got over feeling bad about my own grandson’s extra nana and so, with this in mind, I asked my husband’s daughter if her mam minded me being called Nana? It seems that her mam had indeed asked her what the grandsons called me and myh daughter said it is simply up to the boys to decide what they want to call me (they are seven and five years old). I did say that I was happy to be referred to as Aunty (actually, I would prefer this) but we will wait to see what my husband’s grandsons later refer to me as.
Have you considered that your grandchildren might have used the word ‘Nana’ simply because their real Granda lives with tjis lady and so the boys simply made an assumption that she is a grandma? Afterall, young children don’t know how many grandmothers and grandfather is the norm.

On the other hand there is my DGD's maternal GF who is 25 years younger than me. When she was born we happened to visit at the same time, he greeted me as 'Granny' (which I already was on the othe side anyway!) with a big grin.
I responded with 'Hello Grandad' and he looked shocked and said 'No, Pete'.
Of course he soon was Grandad though I don't know how he's reacting to now being GGF.
My problem is that I keep accidentally referring to my little GGS as GS. It's usually when I'm choosing clothes or toys. Does anyone else do this?

Although I can understsnd the exhusband's wife wanting to be called Nanna, she should undertsand that the first choice of name belongs to you. You have obvioudsly not discussed this before the children were born. It is now too
late so you can both be Nanna + christian name.
Don't go down the road of competing with presents etc it will not make you happy.
Enjoy being with your GCs the time doesn't last forever and before you know it they are teenagers and living their own lives.

Hear hear MawBroon. I agree with you 100% about the differences between divorce and bereavement. Bereavement can leave you with a lifetime of "if onlys" and " what ifs" and there is nothing as final as death.

To CrazyH I think counselling would help you get over the pain of your divorce. There is no time limit on your feelings.

CrazyH your ex husband's wife sounds ignorant , unimaginative. Sge has no moral right to steal your proper title of Nanna, if that is how you chose to be known. Of course the first wife, mother, and grandmother should get the main title as of right! Unfortunately kinship relations are not standardised as they are in traditional communities. You have little choice but to grin and bear it and I hope that at least in Gransnet you find plenty of moral support in your distress.
You should have been asked which title you wanted, and no other,certainly no a second wife, should have been permitted to steal your rightful title.

Thank you all for your support. Yes, there's not a lot I can do about it now. I did make my feelings known to the family. I think my sons understand how I feel, but for some reason, the d.i.laws seem to think otherwise. They are very friendly with my ex's wife. This is something I have to grin and bear, along with all the hurt along the years.
Today, I had the family over for dinner and I noticed that one of the d.i.l had a "face on her" as they say, but I said what I had to say. I can't be an emotional hostage and bite my tongue till I have no tongue left to bite.
Hope you are all well and coping with whatever life has thrown at you xx