Adult children

Thanks for your reply. When I heard I was so disappointed, yet the voice in my head said don't say anything, don't be needy, because if they do not want to be here then what is the point of them being here if they just want to be elsewhere and just wanting to escape as soon as possible. DD inlaws are exactly that, needy and controlling and we are not like that and never wish to be. Our position in the pecking order was at the bottom, but now I see we just don't have that position now. And I can see things getting worse to the point that we will get the blame for the contact becoming less and less if we try to live our lives and don't make ourselves available when it suits them and not us. Us and those like us in similar positions just can't win. Any future celebrations we just want to celebrate on our own and not have them say they will visit only for them to cancel. I just don't know what the answer is and don't much care for 2018 and more of the same.

Bella why don't you tell them? Maybe they think your indifferent as to whether they visit or not, which can't be nice for them. And maybe that's why they then decide to pull out anyway. Seems to me like you have nothing to lose by telling them anyway

I wonder what the answer really is. If you appear to be accepting despite your disappointment because you don't want to be seen as needy and selfish, you can be regarded as being indifferent.

I'm so sorry bella and I think that sadly you're doing the right thing by not including them in future celebrations.

Bella I totally understand the dilemma, same one for us, so hard!

Some may say it is the way things are as your children grow and become independent adults and have their own families. But when I see other families still close and enjoying each others company and wanting to spend time together, it is hard. I am glad they have these relationships, just wish I knew their secret. Or maybe it is just luck, I don't know. Building a life without them seems the only way forward, even knowing we will just become invisible in the end.

All 3 canceled! Bella. I'm so very, very sorry. How disappointing! And frankly, how rude, so close to the date!

Could it have something to do with that business of their each only wanting to come if the others are coming? Is there some reason they feel they can't be with you and dh alone or with just one other sibling and family? Some weird dynamic between them? Or some problem they have with either you or dh?

Like pps, I understand your dilemma. Complain and you might come across as "needy." Accept it easily and you might seem "indifferent." Perhaps you can let them know you're disappointed without pushing? Maybe send them all an email saying you're deeply disappointed but understand? Or maybe say it the other way, you understand but are deeply disappointed. If you had already bought food, etc. for the occasion, you could also let them know that this has inconvenienced you. They may come up with an alternate date very fast if you even want to chance it at this point.

I'm not saying to ask them for an alternate date, just that they may come up with one if they see that you're disappointed.

I am fortunate. I have a son and a daughter. My daughter is the type of person who always makes sure she visits all of us elderly relatives at Xmas and sends cards, out of both sentimentality and duty, so I feel sure she will always do the same for me until I die. My son has multiple grudges against multiple ancestors (and ex-girlfriends) and uses them at random to avoid doing what normal decent people do for their ancestors. These two kids grew up together with only 2 years between them and all the same experiences good and bad in their childhoods. Shows that everyone has their own brain wiring regardless of their experiences. I love them both, but one makes me sad, probably for no fault of his own it's the way he's made.

Yes, all 3 cancelled. Once one said they weren't coming now the other two followed. We get on with AC and they see each other as time/ work allows, so don't think there is any issue there. But it was only organised once they knew they would all he here, then once one cancelled, they all did and it all fell apart. We did say we were sad and disappointed and at such a late date, and had bought food but no offer was made as to alternatives. We are just trying to accept the way things are. It would be nice to have one Ac we could count on, but they have their lives and we must respect that. We have decided to do what we want from now on, and not plan anything with them in mind, maybe then things might change, but if not, then we will have our time together me and dh.

Sorry bella2 as it's a bit of a long thread now I didn't take on board what age range they are? I allowed my kids some selfishness leeway when they were in their teens and 20s, then at around 30 my daughter started observing the needs of family members but my son didn't. And mine tended to want to come around to visit at the same time rather than be "bored witless" by hanging out with old people. But as I say my daughter is different now. Are yours still very young?

I’ve posted before about my sadness over adult children and how I’ve decided not to say anything to avoid rocking the boat.
It seems that so many of us are in the same boat. Do you feel that this particular generation ( 30/40year olds) are more self centred and less respectful of their older relatives? I had a very difficult critical rude mother in law but was willing to put up quietly for the sake of her son and our children.
I’ve tried so hard to come to terms with the distancing of my adult sons over the years, 2 live overseas, one local but working over Christmas. My adult stepdaughters are horrified at the lack of interest the boys show in my life.
One overseas daughter in law has zero interest in building a relationship with me and after 12 years of trying I’ve decided to give up and just be polite.
My other overseas son and his wife are always visiting her family in this country as “it’s their tradition to be together at Christmas” , well it was our tradition once also! They recently visited the UK for 3 weeks and I had a 3 hour visit from my son, the rest of the time was spent with inlaws a few hours away. If it was round the other way I’m sure I would be encouraging them to share their time.
I get very down about it at times and do get fed up of telling me I should be proud that I raised such independent children. I didn’t raise them to be thoughtless about their parents though, they always saw respect and caring for their grandparents and other elderly relatives throughout their childhood.
I am lucky to have such a lovely partner and stepdaughters living locally and a really good amicable friendship with my exhusband which means no awkwardness about family get togethers, but still can’t get past the feeling I must have gone wrong somewhere.
Best wishes and sympathies to all in the same boat this holiday, especially tomorrow. I know it is only a day, but natural to look back at happier Christmas days when these problems didn’t exist for us!

Oh dear that was long and maudlin, I always smile and nod, keep all of those feelings to myself.

storynanna Me too!! xx

Storynanny, you are indeed lucky that you have two lovely stepdaughters that respect you and consider your feelings. And yes, I am thinking of all those others in the same boat - and wish we can all just get through Christmas. Let's hope 2018 brings us peace if not resolution

Thank you Bella I am thankful yo have them in my daily life along with their delightful babies and husbands. Their mother died when they were little and it heightens their awareness of appreciate your parents whilst you still have them ! They also are scrupulously fair about sharing their time with the in laws. In fact they are perfect daughter in laws and much loved by their husbands families.
Im always telling themthey are a credit to their late mother.
The strange thing is that my american daughter in law lost her mother at a young age also but has no interest in a relationship with me.

Mine lost her mother several years ago. No interest in a relationship. Have had to accept it and come to terms with it! ?

Me toox
Just done facetime and chatted to my son and children. All I had was a called out "hi" from dil in another room, cant even be bothered to come to the screen. Very sad.

I have three sons. The youngest lives with us and is a dear boy and a great help and support.
I haven't had so much as a phone call from the older two today. One is working so will probably ring tomorrow but the my eldest who is the father of my two young grandchildren seems to have been taken over by his partners family. They had a rough patch last year so I think he is trying to do the best he can to keep the peace.
They live a long way off so we rarely get to see them. I have sent thoughtful and generous Christmas presents as I love my grandchildren dearly but I would have liked a phone call or even just to see a photo of them on Instagram.
I'm trying not to get too upset but it's like this every Christmas.

I think we'll go away next year

Lynnieg }}}Hugs{{{ When did you last see your Son & GC?

}}}Hugs{{{ for you to Storynanna
and all in similar circumstances }}}Hugs{{{

Bella2 Just re-read your original post, I hope you had a good Christmas day yesterday, did you get to see your AC &GC or have plans be sorted for another day to all get together? I feel for you }}}Hugs{{{

I'm giving out lots of hugs today must be the Christmas spirit!

Thank you Yogagirl. I haven't seen them for over a year, they never come down here and neither of us drive so it's a six hours train journey and then an Airbnb stay. Hopefully we can get there more often as we've just retired and last year was difficult due to illness and problems with their relationship.
My middle son loves about the same distance away in the opposite direction but comes down more often. Haven't seen him since May though.
I talk to my parents at least twice a week, my mother more so.
Is it as a previous poster said? Some of this generation of 30 to 40 year olds are more self centred?
I had a very interfering mother in law so I've always tried to be non interfering and non judgemental.

Thank you Yogagirl for your reply. No we didn't see AC or GC on Christmas day, nor will we see them today. I messaged them first, to wish them a merry christmas, otherwise I wouldn't have had even a message from them at all. I didn't do it too early, so it gave them chance to get up and open their presents etc. One AC had made arrangements to see us between Christmas and New year, but then just now cancelled again. So I think me and DH have given up now trying to keep communication and a connection going. They only visit or get in touch when they need us to do something, and I know it is hard not to want to help, but if there is only take and no give from AC, then it is sad that it is like this. We brought them up to be kind and considerate and yes - independent, but we just feel used. We don't expect to see them all the time or be in contact every day, as they, and we, have our lives to live and things to do, but it's hard to watch the ties slip away, and we can't force them to keep in touch or visit. I often visited my FIL without DH. I found him to be a quiet man, but kind and with a good sense of humour, who did care for DH and his grandchildren.

Thank you all for your replies, comments and views on the situation. I know there are those who are worse off, so I try and tell myself at least I am alive and DH is too, and we are together.

Under the circumstances, Bella, I think you & dh are wise to be thinking of just doing things on your own from now on and not involving your ac. Let them wonder what happened. Just please don't let them talk you into changing your plans to spend time with them, just to (probably) let you down again. I don't usually say this kind of thing, but in this case, let them "chase after" you and dh instead of the other way around.

Welcome, Lynnieg! So sorry you don't get to see your 2 older dss so often. (((Hugs)))

It sounds as if ods (older dear son) is having problems in his marriage and you may be, unfortunately, experiencing some of the results of that. Not fair, but it happens. So very sorry.

Are you sure he and his partner are seeing her family so much more often than you? Isn't it possible they've been pushed aside, too, while the couple works on their issues? Idk if that thought is any comfort for you, of course. And, no matter what, I'm so very sorry it means not seeing your gc either.

Sorry you don't get to see mds very often either. I know it seems unfair that you called your parents so often and these 2 young men don't. But perhaps they prefer a different kind of communication? Emails? FaceBook messages? Texts? Videochat?

Anyhow, maybe it will be better when you and dh can travel to them more often, as you say. (Sorry about your prior illnesses.) Sometimes, it seems it's easier for parents/gps to do the traveling, particularly if the younger generation has little ones to contend with. Best of luck in the New Year!

Storegranny, I feel for you, too! (((Hugs)))

TG, for your lovely sds (stepdaughters) and their families! I'm sorry for the loss of their mum, but, fortunately, it has given them a broader perspective than some.

Obviously, it doesn't work that way for everyone. Your and Madgran's dils weren't affected the same way, I see. Maybe they even resent other older mums since they don't have theirs?

I'm also glad you get to ft with ds & gc. Sorry dil wasn't interested (her "hi" from offscreen may have been a concession to ds, so he wouldn't think she's totally ignoring you, lol). But does it really matter? What's important, imo, is that you got to talk with ds & gc. There are some dils who would try to prevent that or cut it short. As long as she doesn't do that, you're all right, imo, where ft is concerned.