DH had an affair. Should we tell our children?

I know I've already commented on this, but I've been pondering this during the afternoon. I've been thinking about how isolated Ruby21 is, battling with her, obviously mixed, emotions and no-one to talk to except her counsellor. I've also been thinking about consequences; if Ruby does tell her children then their father will not necessarily be being punished, in my view, but simply having to deal with the fall-out from his own behaviour. If the children live at home then I imagine the household tensions will have been obvious and an explanation might go some way to alleviating/explaining them. If the children are living away from home then Ruby may simply be looking for emotional support from people she trusts and can talk to about a situation they are intimately acquainted with; a lot depends on the family dynamic.
As for staying with the husband or leaving him - will life really be better for you if you go Ruby? Was his affair a 'one off'? If you stay together will it help or hinder the healing process if your children know about the affair?
Ruby, you've been in a horrid situation, but it sounds as though you have reason to try the best you can to make it work: you still love each other very much. If you can build on that I think the foundations for a much improved relationship are there.

If you have survived two years since you found out and the affair ended I think you should avoid telling the children. Of course it will have caused a deep scar to your marriage. You may with time be able to forgive your DH but of course you won't forget. If you want your marriage to survive and flourish work on your relationship. Only tell the kids if you end up separating. Good luck.

My apologies guys....I think I am 'willing' her to make a go of it with her DH as she says they still love each other! (personal experience, which not going into)

Anyway good luck Ruby21 - sorry for being blunt!

It broke our hearts when we found out about my fathers affairs, we couldn’t help but know as he left my DM for a time, it definitely changed how my DS and I felt about him. My DM forgave him and had him back.

You have all given me lots to think about. I'm not prepared to divulge more information so apologies for that.
Thank you

Good luck getting on to what the best your life can be.

Your children are not your parents, Ruby, as you are theirs. You don't need to discuss your problems with them.

Neither are they your "friends." They aren't people to turn to and unburden yourselves, etc.

You and dh have a cousellor. If that's not helping, you need to face whether or not you want to leave the marriage. If you and dh decide to split up, you'll have to let the kids know, of course. Even then, you don't have to tell them the whole story right away (it will probably come out eventually). They just need to know if the marriage is over, who's going to live where, etc. - things that affect them. That's all.

I think Bluegal spoke a lot of sense and had nothing to apologise for.
I've just re-read your original post Ruby21 and my thoughts are that if you hav'nt sorted this out in 2 years, your not going to do.
You seem miserable with the situation and probably your husband will be as well.
Sometimes things come to an end and this might be it for you.
I would not tell your children unless you end the marriage .
Best of luck whatever you both decide.

The problem with an affair is that it can take easily up to a decade or a lifetime to get over it. I think if you haven't moved on yet Ruby you may not or not for a long time. Plus you will always wonder.

If you would be financially okay on your own I would probably leave. Your adult children possibly are probably going to be sadder that you have separated more than their father was unfaithful. They might hope you stay with him, thinking that you will be better off not to separate.

I hope you put yourself first Ruby, don't protect your DH if you don't want to, he didn't think of you when he was unfaithful. Can you tell some friends. It is devastating to find out you have been cheated on when you love your spouse, let alone keeping it to yourself.

I think telling your adult children is the least of your troubles A betrayal can be overcome but if it has only got worse ( in your head) two years on then the counselling isn’t going to solve it unfortunately, I think you have to be honest not with your family but with yourself and with your husband
You can either put it behind you, mark it up as a bad mistake and love him enough to move on together or it will fester and fester ( which it sounds as if it’s doing) and make you very unhappy as things tend to grow the longer it takes
Good luck whichever route you take

I agree with BlueBelle and I wouldn't tell your children. I can't think of a reason for telling them other than to make him look bad in their eyes. If you want to discuss it talk to good friends instead.

I can't reply to each one individually but I appreciate everyone's input.

I have decided I should leave. It's made me incredibly sad and I know it could be the biggest mistake of my life.

I have no idea whether we should tell the children why we are splitting up. It will be a shock to everyone. If we don't tell them then we can't tell anyone really.

I hope that having made a decision you will now find peace Ruby21.

My mother had an affair during the war and told me later he was the greatest love of her life. As Father was a grumpy tired out working man in war time I always saw her point.

War time moved many couples away from each other and life - when it happened was lived, because you never knew how much more time you had.

I think the children should be told. When they find out and realise they have lived a lie together with devoted Mum and Dad they will have been made fools of. Now you have to say why you waited two years.
Its very hard but if you stay together life will pick up again with time.
AS for me I did not judge either mother or father and you will find that your children are more broad minded than you think.

I think u are right Ruby and may I say brave. You must tell them as at least they will understand and what if it comes out later on by accident?

Ive only just seen this thread ruby and hope all goes as well as it can for you. I know you say your children don't know about the affair but is it likely they're unaware of the tension between you and their father. Look after yourself in all of this

Good luck ruby. I think You said the affair only ended because you found out. That is hard to have to deal with. Sometimes indecision itself makes things worse. If you have reached your decision go with it and we all wish you well.

Of course u want to protect your children from hurt but I'll bet they will want the chance to protect and comfort you too

It is absolutely nothing to do with your children. Don't tell them. This is your relationship, not theirs.

NO, why would you want to put them through that????

What could you possibly gain by it?

If you feel you need help with this sought the RIGHT people, Relate marriage counselling and not your pure children

What's the point in telling them? It seems a purely selfish act to me. You will cause even more heart ache.

If I understood your recent post correctly ruby21 you have decided it is best to separate from your husband. This is a different situation to you just wondering whether to speak to your children while undecided. I would suggest your children will ask why you are separating. Could you agree with your husband what to tell them? In my experience lies come back to bite us. Whatever you decide I wish you well, you've had a painful time and I hope the future brings some peace.

Thank you cornergran, well said and exactly what I was saying. I would want my children's love and support, they are who I talk to first, well before friends or councillors

Cornergran's post makes sense, given your decision, Ruby. I still don't think you're obligated to say why, but they're over 18 - parents aren't their whole world anymore and they can probably stand to hear a little truth.

I just hope you don't expect them to automatically take your side. There's always that one kid who thinks the wronged parent should forgive. And often another who's is sympathetic with both parents. But really, imo, there "task" is just to keep loving both parents and refrain from judging.