What role for Nana number 2?

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I'm in your position OP and as tanith says, you have to carve out a role for yourself and see the plusses in the situation.

Granny 1 (and parents) will be a normal, familiar part of the GC's routine and that's lovely. Whereas you will be a special, extra, different Granny who can focus on them completely for short bursts. Your less regular visits and skypes will be fun, full-on special times which an every-day relationship couldn't be.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

my DIL turns to me as much as if not more than her mum, she says its easier as I'm not as old and i offer practical advice. her mum whilst being a fabulous person is very old school " in our day we had to deal with it " its not that she doesn't care, just the level of understanding is different. I raised my own 2 almost single handed so I can understand how nervous my DIL feels about certain things. She is lucky to have the support around her that she does. dont fret about your place with this little one, you sound like the approachable type too. the offer to be there when needed will be much appreciated by her, and the other grandmother will need back up and a rest too.

I am lucky enough to have my DDs children and DSs children living quite close and I do a fair bit of childcare for them all - one in particular, as does one of the other GMs. I feel that we have carved our own place in their lives and we all see each other regularly. Keeping in touch is paramount - let them know you are willing to help and that you would value being part of all their lives. I hope that my children know that they are as important to us as the grandchildren - I have heard a few comments from friends that made me concerned that their GC seemed more important to them than their own children!

As a child i only saw my grandparents once or twice a year. This was 45 plus years ago so obviously no skyping etc. I adored them,they brought something magical into my life and I still think about them frequently.

It is not a time limited role is it, maybe you will have a bigger 'role' (I hate that word) later on when the child needs your skill set or wisdom. You are by definition the grandma, you raised one of the parents so have imprinted your own idea within him, OK baby stuff is always changing as new regimes come and go in fashion but once they are a little older then child will have other things to engage with.

It may be musical, sporty, arty, love dogs, cooking, travel something where your expertise will be of more help. They don't stay babies forever. Just love it, that is enough. No one has to create a role when they are the grand parent, they just are.

My daughter-in-law will obviously turn to her mother first, but having four children she is very happy if I offer to lend a hand. I'm pleased to do whatever I can, and the rest of the time leaves me free to pursue my own hobbies. It works well.

I grew up in Ireland. I had an Irish granddad but he had nothing much to do with me, even though we visited every few weeks. My older brother says he doesn't remember him speaking to him either. Then I had my other grandparents in Liverpool. We saw them about once a year but had a lovely relationship with them. They were fun and we did nice things together. They would send small gifts in the post to us, and my gran knitted lots of cardigans and dolls clothes for me. Good luck with your new grandchild. You will find your role and enjoy it I'm sure.

Your post made me smile as I'm known and called by my grandsons as ' other nanny '. I live nearly 300 miles away from my daughter and her family. Her mil lives about 10 minutes away so is inevitable that I'm not No.1 but do you know what - I'm fine with that because it's good to know they have people close to them that they see and love regularly. He happy with that.

Why not just be yourself? A good lesson for children is taking people as they are. DH does and they adore him and he can be grumpy and selfish but they seem to curl up round him like piglets with a mother pig.

Hi soloman'swife welcome to GN if you're new. I completely understand your post (didn't read it that you see it as "competing"). I too am "Granny No 2" with my only grandson as my DIL is completely intertwined with her mother.

My DIL values my knitting skills (her mother can't knit) and now gives me commissions; when I visit (they live an hour away), I tend to make a minor occasion of it: if the weather is good we'll have a picnic in the park, or we'll go on the bus to the next village, or I'll take a small gift as a treat for GS (he's 3), crayons and a big sheet of paper, or a Magic Colouring book (the kind where you need only water), those paw print fruit snacks, and so on. That way we all look forward to my visit .

So I have found my niche as Granny No. 2.

Enjoy your new grandchild

Stop thinking about it in advance. Stop having built in expectations. Just let it happen. 'Carving' is unnecessary.

Solomonswife As they grow, send funny little cards etc with little notes on. Think about things you like doing ...baking? Football? Bird watching? Whatever it is, think about sharing that with your grandchild at their level. I now share painting regularly with my now 5 year old grandchild and we both love it, started at a certain level when she was @ 18 months! When visiting or they are visiting, have a "new" (charity shops are good) game or jigsaw to share. When they are babies its harder, you are a bit stranger to them so you just have to follow their lead but over time, I promise a role gets carved out and ,as above, you can guide the type of relationship you have. I don't think its GM 1&2, more GM nearby and GM further away who is exciting to visit, offers different experiences and has a particular place in a Childs life that they love! Enjoy!

Why do you need a role. You will be the baby's grandmother and your "job" if you like is to be whatever the parents want you to be. Do not envy thebother HPs if they seem closer, that way sadness lies.
You can be an outstanding example of everything a MIL should be - available if required, supportive if required but also because you have already experienced the joy of the babies before, you can afford to be generous.
I wish you and your "new" family much happiness.

Thank you for all your comments. I don't see it as a competition, as I said, I fully accept that my DIL will turn to her own Mum first, just as my own daughter turned to me. (I should have mentioned that there isn't another Granny on the scene with my daughter's children). I just wondered what things you have brought to the relationship when you're not as physically close as the other grandparent. What have you found to work/been helpful/more fun, when you're more of an occasional visitor as opposed to the grandparent who's able to pop in all the time.

Oh yes, the terror of baby led weaning. Fortunately our kind daughter in law accepted my terror as acceptable concern. Phew! Before their baby arrived we talked about the differences in thinking now and in the recent (with two older grandchildren) and distant past. I was offered the chance to go to a baby class with her. It was interesting to consider different approaches. I got to understand what our daughter in law wanted, I make sure now that I always ask about routine and changes when we are left in charge for a while. They too have our daughter in law's family on the doorstep. Yes, they see more of them, of course they do, we are an hour away, have other commitments too. I'm so pleased they have so much support close by. The little one has love for us all, we offer different things because we are all different people. We talked with our son and daughter in law after their baby arrived, asked how we could fit into their schedules helpfuly. We never assume. It has worked out better than we could have hoped, lots of adaptations along the way. Please don't worry, things will settle down, focus on your relationship with your son and daughter in law, listen to them and the rest will follow.

Just tell your DS and DIL that you will be there for them whenever you can, then follow your DIL's lead. Be open to new ideas and keep quiet when something new makes you quiver. (I had to bite my tongue when I saw 'baby led weaning' and a 10 month old handed a strip of red pepper).
As far as the other Gran goes try not to compete. You will probably have different skills anyway.. I'm good at playing and chasing. Other gran lives farther away but sends beautiful hand-made clothing and toys. Children have enough love for 2 grans.

There are certain advantages to living some distance from DGC, much as one loves them of course Solomonswife
Not least is that a visit to Grandma's house is something that is eagerly anticipated and looked forward to with excitement, rather than being a routine occurrence.

My DS and his family live in America. My DGD once introduced me at a party I had taken her to with the breathless words 'This is my Grandma and she lives in England and she's come all the way on an aeroplane just to see me!'

Moments like that do make up for any brief moments of envy one might feel that the other GM who lives close to them has more frequent contact.

I agree, it's not a competition!

I have been extremely lucky in that both of my lovely DILs have included me in 'everything', they certainly don't favour their own mums. In fact, with one of them, I was 'trusted' to babysit before her mum, have to say that bothered me, I didn't want her mum to feel 'upset' by this.

Your DD turned to you when she had her baby and you were very hands on.
Your DIL will turn to her mom as your daughter did.

Please don't see it as a competition. She probley will see a bit more of her mother but I bet your daughter saw more of you than her MIL?

Just be there when they need you. Ask about all of them not just the baby. If you have a good relationship with them I really wouldn't worry.

Excellent post HildaW, Solomonswife1 you have need to 'carve out a role' you already have one as the child's Grandmother the sooner you accept that the other Granny will probably have more contact with the child than you and your role will be equally important as hers the better for you. You are bound to feel you missing out but don't let it affect the relationship with either your DIL or her Mum. Just see them as often as possible and nothing says you can't skype with them too. Just enjoy whats to come and enjoy the little one as best you can.

I have a grandson who lives abroad with my son, his partner and all of her family within walking distance I've had to accept that seeing him once or twice a year is as good as its going to get along with Facetime now and then. I've made a friend of the other granny and she and her lovely daughter post me videos and pictures of the fun times they all have together and for that I make sure she knows how much it means to me. We are all grandsons family but all have a different relationship with the little one.

I think the only bit of advise I can give.....is let the parents take the lead. Being a Grandparent it all about the type of relationship you have - not who belongs to whom.
Do not even start to see it as an either/or situation and try not to make comparisons .....that way madness lies.
My GC are from my elder daughter's marriage - we are a good 50 miles apart and their jobs enable them to share childcare - I would not be needed on a day to day basis. Also she has a FIL who is much nearer and needs regular support so I cannot say ours a typical Maternal Grandmother role but its how its worked out and how it IS.
I never think that I HAVE grandchildren.....but I am a Grandma who loves her GC to the moon and back and would do anything for them. I just fit in where it works and treasure the relationship.