Inviting elderly relatives to come and live near us.

DH's mother moved from the small town she had lived in all her life to a flat in our much larger town. Her flat was in a big Victorian house that had just been converted and her neighbours were 3 first time buyers.

Against all the odds, it was a resounding success. The four 'flat mates' we used to call them, got on really well. She was home during the day if parcels were delivered and so one or another would be popping in everyday to collect a parcel, ask about workmen and they would open jars or reach things down from cupboards if required.

Her presence round the corner meant I could take a key career job because she was close to her DGD's school so could look after her after school and both get up to mischief together. I would see her everyday and she spent weekends with us.

Sadly it only lasted 18 months. She was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and died within a week, She was only 69.

So I would say, if you are compatible, do it. If you don't, if and when they need help you will be juggling all your activities wih regular round trips to visit them to organise and check care where ever they are now. Done that as well and do not recommend it.

If the house is large enough and you all get on well, I'm sure being under one roof will be a lot easier than having to run backwards and forwards supporting elderly relatives who live nearby. You will have to do more as they get older. All kinds of little problems keep cropping up that they can't deal with and it will get harder when one of them dies.

Sheltered housing also brings its own problems because families are still expected to do the lion's share of support. It's a myth that there's always someone on hand to pop round and change a lightbulb.

I suppose that the simplest thing to do is make a list of pros and cons.

Good Luck

It is wonderful that you are thinking of your elderly relatives but I was just wondering about your first post. You state that your dh is thinking of a large enough property for you all to share but, when they eventually "pop off" (sorry, no easy way to put it) could you afford to stay in this large property and, even if you can, would it eventually become a burden to you with rooms stood unused.
As others have said, perhaps it might be better for you to move into separate properties, in the same village, and this would of course enable you to keep your finances separate.

Nina I moved my lovely Mum in with me when she could no longer look after herself . It really is not the nightmare that people say it is , in fact I was glad I could do it despite quite serious health problems of my own . If these elderly relatives are as nice as you say coupled with the kind and caring people that you and your Dh obviously are then it should work out. Yes , you may end up doing a bit of caring but is that so bad . We all get old if we are lucky and I truly believe that we should all be prepared to look after our loved ones / each other when the time comes . On the other hand the retirement village looks nice and they may prefer this for the time being ! x

Wow. I clicked on that link. Those places look fantastic! I expect they're very expensive but people save up for their old age so if they can afford it fair enough. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

I should be working instead of being on GN. However, nina, I so admire your husband's suggestion and wish we had been able to do this for my PiL. Equally, trisher makes an important point about local sheltered housing. This may give the relatives more connections with a community than a total reliance on the two of you.

Good luck and let us know what you decide!

I'm really glad I posted. Thankyou for all your very helpful replies. I knew I was right to feel cautious and I'm very grateful for all your input.

And so taking on board your thoughts, I looked up sheltered retirement housing and I found the link below. There is one just round the corner from us so how good is that? They are a bit expensive but our relatives have the funds and I agree, being somewhere where there is company their age group is going to be a huge bonus. Thanks to all of you. x

www.retirementvillages.co.uk/

I would make sure that you get proper legal and finacial advice. It can be a diffcult issue regarding who owns the home and then there is the issue of what happens if one or both need to go into a care home - would the house need to be sold to pay the £50,000+ per year that care home fees can cost.

It may be best to look into sheltered accomodation or senior appartments etc where they can live independently but have staff and activities available. But local authority sheltered accomodation tends to have really long waiting lists. When we looked into moving my mother nearer my brother sheltered accomodation had a 2 year waiting list and you could not even go on the waiting list until you lived in the area.

nina1959 I totally agree with trisher's post about the advantages of sheltered housing. About a year before I retired I had a spell of illnesses that made me realise I was totally alone where I lived. My son and family were settled where they live so after discussions with them I decided to move nearer. I found sheltered accommodation which has given me new friends and activities, security and help at the press of a button. DS and family live within walking distance so we are able to help each other with all sorts of things yet still have our independent lives. Definitely a Win-Win situation for all

Please think carefully - my parents lived 5 minutes away from me and when Dad was on his own he became increasingly dependent on us. I came to dread the early morning phone calls - and those in the middle of the night. I became really worried about who would look after him if I was ill and when I could no longer meet his needs he had to move into a care home. I really wish we had encouraged him to go into sheltered housing when Mum died. I think we would have been able to keep him out of the care home much longer if he had had the back-up provided by sheltered housing - and I`m sure he would have benefitted from the social life it would have provided

Make haste slowly I think and give yourselves time to think it through.

If their health deteriorates then you need to avoid being regarded as their carer - if social services see that they live in a shared house they will have a sigh of relief and think that the boxes are all ticked - you would need to insist on a Carers' Assessment if it came to this situation, so that they know exactly how much/little you are able to do.

Also do not forget that they will be in a strange place and will rely on you for all their social outlets, as they will have left the familiar behind.

Trisher I quite fancy the sort of sheltered housing you mentioned. I go and do talks at various ones and am always struck by the atmosphere: people have their privacy when they want it but there's a social life available too. They seem happy places to be!

We moved MiL 200 miles from the NE into a bungalow (bought by her) on a warden-controlled scheme, 5 mins walk from us. My B & SiL live 3 miles away from us & MiL had lived in the same city some years before & still had friends in the immediate area. We all thought that things would work out well.

However,the difficulties soon became apparent. Keeping in close touch with relatives at a distance does not give you a true picture of what they are like to live with at close quarters for an extended period. We discovered some personal issues with my MiL which had hitherto been hidden.

As, for various reasons, which I had anticipated, it fell to me to be the "principal carer" whilst still working full-time as a primary school teacher, it actually took less than a year before I began to have physical stress symptoms & relationships suffered.

I think that your most recent post is the way to go - do nothing in haste. There are all sorts of different types of accommodation for the retired, look closely at the different levels of support that they offer & think about how they match your "rellies" present & future needs (ie without having to move them again if possible)

The best piece of advice I was given (not soon enough) was "Who cares for the carers?". It is essential that you take good care of both yourself & your hubby in every respect.

Good luck.

nina1959 I moved my mum into sheltered housing not far from me over 16 years ago. She is now 95 and still has some independence. We do her shopping and most of her cleaning. I freeze meals for her which she reheats in her microwave. She has an active social life in her housing scheme, playing cards, bingo and doing quizzes. Her memory is now becoming a problem but we are coping and I hope she will stay in her flat for as long as possible. I do think the friendly atmosphere, the social activities and having a degree of independence has helped both of us to manage and I would recommend sheltered housing to anyone.

Think about the financial and legal side too. Sad to say life is finite. Who will own the property in the end? Might there be rapacious family members seeking refunding of contributions made by your in laws to the purchase of this property?
When I was young, at one point both Grans lived in separate parts of our house. As a child I loved this but I gather my mother did not.
No matter how busy you are at work they still need looking after. We felt so stupid that it hadn't occurred to us that our respective mothers might need help as they got older. It all happened quite suddenly and life became a blur of work/care for them in their own homes. When the time comes you just plain have to do it. If by planning ahead you can make things easier for all concerned then go for it!

Good luck with you search nina come back and tell us how it worked out for you.?

Hmmm, a lot to think about. You are right about the needing of care part. My idea would be for us to move and they move into the same village so that they are almost practically next door but separate. This way we've all got our independence. They are totally self funding, so there's no problem there. We are equal in this sense.
But I agree, separate deeds and things are probably a lot more sensible in the long run or it could become messy.

We do have sheltered housing so we should take a look. We do have plenty of time which is good, so I think the best thing is to start doing some research first on all the possible options then go from there. We're planning a move soon so perhaps the best way is for us to move then look for a final resting place for them to roost in close by. xx

It might be better to find a sheltered/senior living place in your area.

that they could have one side and be totally independent, and we could have ours.

But they wouldn't be totally independent for long, especially as they already have health problems - it would then probably fall on your shoulders to provide or arrange care. They are more likely to find friendship and activities in a senior facility, and you and DH can visit frequently, invite over, etc.

Plus, you have to think of the impact on your own life as you are still working.

I think the important thing is that you have different 'spaces' within the house, not all share the same ones.Both you and your DH and your Aunt and Uncle need some privacy, but get together when you want to.It will need thinking about for sure, but I so wish I could have done the same for elderly relatives in the past.

I will speak to hubby tonight. He's all heart and tends to dive in. I'm the practical thinker. Makes me dull but I can live with it. x

ChristineFrance yes, all good points. They have their own funds so care would be covered. But yes, it needs a lot of thought. x

Rosesarered, that's the thing. I would hate to leave work, drive over to check on them, get back to my own home and start cooking dinner at 8 pm! If they live next door, it does make life much easier. x

Thanks for your input and welcome thoughts. I must admit my husband has just sprang this idea onto me. I'm sure it's because his dad ended his days living a very lonely life in a huge house after his mum died. We couldn't help much at the time, he lived too far away. I think hubby doesn't want his last remaining relatives to end up the same way so I'm sure this is what's driving his thinking and I'm on board, I do agree and support the idea. I'm just far more cautious, dotting the 'i's and crossing the 't's.
I could eventually work from home so that's not an issue and yes, for sure, we could pay a gardener and have help cleaning. Nothing is insurmountable.

We haven't put the idea to them yet, I know when we do they will think Christmas has arrived. They are lovely both of them, we have been thinking long and hard about how best to handle things so that they're not left out on a limb.

In principle, I think it's a good idea. I'm just weighing it all up in my head and just thought I'd ask members here what they thought. I have looked after senior relatives before. I never found it hard or unpleasant. I always felt sorry for them and didn't want them to be lonely of suffer so I'm OK on the caring front. It's just such a big decision.

I think it's a lovely idea.It means that if you need to give them any help there is no dashing out to see them as they are in the house.
Yes, you will need a cleaner, and maybe a bit of help in the garden, but your aunt and uncle are not that old ( well, not to me) that they can't do anything to help around the house and garden.They can take take care of watering pots inside and outside the house, and house sit when you are on holiday.

That is so kind of you both Nina. Do ensure you think of all the pitfalls as well as the positives. You need to be realistic and clear about things like bills, what happens if your Aunt or Uncle need more care etc. Are there any other options open to you eg sheltered housing nearby . It's a big step to take and all of you need to think carefully. I don't want to put a damper on your plans but these sort of arrangements need very careful consideration. I hope things work out for you.