Division of labour?

Thank you all for your comments, which I have thoroughly enjoyed reading. It has made me feel much better already, knowing that I am not alone in having an undomesticated husband. I will try asking him to do specific tasks and see what happens. I am smiling to myself just now,thinking about how yesterday I had done 3 loads of washing and ironing, when he came through with a pile of sports clothes that he had been wearing, which also needed washing. I suggested that he put them in the washing machine, put detergent in and turn it on. He managed that, but 36 hours later they are still in the washer......I wonder when the laundry fairy will take them out?

DH said "I don't do gardening" on my retirement, when we moved from an inner city flat to a run-down cottage in the country. "Gardening" has expanded to include lawnmowing, painting, chainsawing, vegetable and flower cultivation, weed spraying, washing and waxing the car, cleaning the windows inside and out . As regards indoor work, he will say "Do you want me to do.... FOR YOU?" Eh? For me? He DOES cook dinner once a week and has made some lovely bookshelves and coffee tables and fixes the computers as required. But I still work one day a week, maintain and run a rental investment which gives us a nice sum for luxuries (my property from previous marriage), drive him everywhere because he can't seem to get around to renewing his licence, pay for most things. After a demanding work life (he has been a SAHH for the last 12 years), I'm happy to be physically active, but it's starting to piss me off that he is very used to being something of a kept man. Oh well, he makes me laugh and we do enjoy each other's company.

Oh my, I bet he is in good books

Perhaps food for thought, this thread, for all who have sons and grandsons. I am so grateful to my MIL to have always expected her boys to help with chores, shopping, their own ironing and cooking often.

Bot in UK and here, I still witness families in the younger generation who treat boys and girls totally differently in their expectations - those men who seem (and I am sure they are not) incapable fo the simplest of household tasks are made, not born so- and then maintained and confirmed as such through their adult working life.

One of DH's responsibilities is to check the oil level in the tank - that is why I am ringing the oil company and leaving messages at this time of night and we are sitting round a tiny electric heater. Happy Christmas!

We do not share the housework, my husband does it and I get to sew ??

I was lucky/unlucky enough to have a heart attack within weeks of my husbands retirement , so he made a passable attempt at everything whilst I recovered . He rearranged everything when he did ,so I was the one who found myself trying to find where things were .However he's a very good cook so its working well.

eddiecat, that is an excellent point. Those poor men that are suddenly left on their own if their wife becomes very ill or die- don't know where the iron is, how to boil an egg, etc.

Just like my neighbour, t'other way round, who couldn't drive, had not done food shopping since she got married, had no idea about paperwork and couldn't write a cheque or pay a bill- as he did it all.

bionicwoman- pheeew- I felt very lonely for a while. Incredible in this day and age - but 'useless men' are made so, not born.

DH doesnt even know where the iron lives and although he can make beans on toast you wouldnt get them on the plate at the same time.

Totally agree Granjura!
What is it with the idea of 'women's work' and roles? I thought that went out in the '60s.
I certainly wouldn't tolerate anyone sharing my home who didn't 'muck in' with the cleaning and tidying.

My husband retired over 10 years before I did (health reasons) and so took his domestic duties very seriously: went to a cookery class, did all the shopping, ironing etc. We did employ a cleaner. When I retired 3 years ago I wasn't quite sure what I would do, so since retiring I have joined several gym classes and spend a lot of time reading and socialising. We do go shopping together now, but I get distracted very easily, so he always takes charge. I'm allowed to pack. We tend to share the cooking (it's something that I enjoy). What I need to remember though is to keep on lavishing praise for everything he does: his roast potatoes are far better than mine etc. He's made the Christmas puddings, the cake and the mincemeat. I'm really enjoying our shared retirement, so not prepared to hire him out, though I'm sure I'd have lots of takers.

Is he doing it on purpose so you stop asking. You never know !!!
If not give him little jobs to do and work up to the big stuff. Treat them like untrainable puppies. Also I think some women make rods for their own backs by doing it all and then moaning about it. Don't let him get away with it. Keep going

Lynker - please do encourage her husband to share the cooking etc. My mother wouldn`t let Dad in the kitchen - always complaining "it`s easier if I do it myself". When she died aged 86 he literally didn`t know how to boil an egg and went into a total panic. He did slowly learn how to do some basic cooking and actually enjoyed baking - but his first few years as a widower would have been much easier if he had had some domestic skills

Must say I am flabbergasted at those responses- in the 21st Century.

Wendy, not having a go at all- but your reply tops them all for me:

'I do all domestic duties as well as work. Nothing has changed and it's easier that way.'

I so hope the replies would be different with the younger generation/s -but perhaps, as so often appears the case here- I just live on another planet.

Reading some of these posts my DH seems very nearly a paragon of virtue! He was in the Navy so is used to looking after himself I suppose. When he left he worked shifts and I worked 9-5. He would always do anything I asked and often more. He has always done most of the ironing, DIY, heavy stuff like cleaning the conservatory, mowed the lawn. Fair division of labour I reckon even if I do decide what needs doing he is always ready to help. The one thing that drives me crazy is his OCD where I am concerned. Say I leave the grater in a prominent place to remind me to grate cheese later he will put it away thinking he was clearing up after me. He, on the other hand, can get all the doings out of the fridge to make a cold drink, sarnie etc and then wander off leaving drink cartons with no tops on, butter dish, cheese etc strewn around, totally oblivious to the carnage in his wake. Wouldn't swop him though!

When we both worked we had a cleaner and a gardener and I did everything else. Now we are both retired he does all the shopping, cooking and is a dab hand at DIY, decorating. I do cleaning, washing, gardening. Somethings we do together- changing the bedlinen about the only think I can think of offhand!

We have always shared household jobs me don't ng more when I went part time only job he doesn't like doing is ironing but he does garden and diy so I am quite happy both of us would rather be out and about though as my mum used to say it will still be there when you are not

My DH shops and cooks but that's it. I like to cook and sometimes. do, but there's no trade-off such as him cleaning something. He's not interested in DIY or car maintenance, and his gardening is rudimentary. He makes me happy, though. I tell DD's that if I'm no longer around he'll be well fed, but the house will be a tip and he'll have no clean clothes.

You've had how many years experience compared to him? Allow him to learn. Making mistakes is part of it but he will not learn from them if you keep rescuing him from all consequences. When he can't have his favourite meat because he's overspent the housekeeping he'll get it

We have a cleaner.

I cook because I love it, I wash and iron because someone has to and I do light gardening tasks.

Dh does looks after the bank accounts etc, does the DIY and heavy gardening jobs.

Seems about right to me.

SiL tells DD that the knobs on their cooker are not designed for the male hand. ?

Decide on the tasks you and your husband want to do and then decide how many days a week, month a cleaner would be needed to cover your husbands tasks. Ask him to find and pay a cleaner for the necessary time. It's sometimes helpful to know the cost of everything and then it can be appreciated. Perhaps he can find a household management course now he has time on his hands.

Think the trick must be to get Hubby to retire first. Mine never did any house work when working I did everything apart from the gardening and anything to do with the car.
I worked 4 days and still do however, since he took early retirement I just leave a list and most things get done (don't get me wrong I still think I'm better at it) He prepares and cooks dinner, hangs out washing (also remembers to fetch it in if it rains which didn't happen before)
Walks our dog twice a day and has an allotment, he also collects my grandaughter from school one day a week gets her tea ready and takes her to Gymnastics.
We shop together on my day off.
He'll hoover, but doesn't dust or move furniture.Can't change the bed always has a fight with the quilt cover.
The only downside is he needs praising for everything, even leaves the hoover out so I know he's used it.LOL
Can't remember ever getting praised when I did it all myself

Think we have been here before with this problem. I agree men do not see the necessity for regular housework, once a week seems to be the favourite interval. I am lucky, my husband cooks, shops and does all the house and car maintenance. I do the rest. For us it was more about which areas we were most comfortable with. It has to be said if I ask my husband to clean a particular item he does it far more thoroughly than I would. My ex was the same, if asked to clean the pram he would take the wheels off and clean them also the hood etc.
My current husband does not like to clean the bathroom but I don't want to cook so it all evens out. I think you need to have a chat and decide which tasks you are both more suited to and take it from there, you can adjust things as you go on.

I would say it's unusual for any man to be domesticated as every woman is !
My hubby during his two year stint at NAT service in the kitchens.. sharing the cooking too!
At home he never knew what quantities ? As compared to army unit !
Cleaning up he was jack handed broke too many things,
Decorating ...Hopeless,. Raising kids gave in to their wants,
Gardening, killed even the grass with his mowing,
So...I did it all and very successfully too !
But there comes a time when he sits....And I ask what r u doing today ?
Blank looks, my health went down, asthma, allergies, stress!!
So told him he must help, like hoovering and dusting, washing up!
He thinks it's women's work and why won't I do it!!!

He does the driving, I hate it and can't park. He does the d.i.y. I'm hopeless. He dries dishes, I wash. I cook. He will do a specific task if I ask, it doesn't occur to him what needs done. I find it best to say, " while I'm doing......... Can you do....... " . He gardens, we ve a tiny garden.
When were away at our caravan at weekends I try and get him to do half, but he won't cook.