Advices gratefully received

Buy her a present and then put thoughts of her aside. At least you will have peace of mind that you have shown her some Christmas spirit. I have just bought my DIL a beautiful silk scarf. She and my dear step son are in the middle of a very acrimonious separation and she has totally taken against DH and me. She is being absolutely horrible to my DSS but she will always still be the mother of our DGC. She might throw it back at us, literally but that's her choice. I've been in that dilemma of 'should we buy her a present or not' but it's done now and I can stop thinking about it. Give her a present and then get on and enjoy YOUR Christmas.

Because, Teddy123, I'm not like that, and I suppose I'm hoping that maybe, one day, the word "thanks" might actually be said! Which is why I keep on trying, Christmas and birthdays included. I'm not looking for effusive, gushing thank yous, just a simple acknowledgement that I've taken time to think about her and include her within my family circle.
On each occasion, I say to myself that I'll leave her out, but my heart won't let me.
Obviously other posters see where I'm coming from - don't stoop to that level!

I don't understand why everyone has said "give her a present" when your post says "I really don't want to give her anything"!

I say that's fine, don't give her anything. As you say, your son is aware if the situation .... That's the way she is and the consequence of her poor behaviour is that this year she does without.

Sadly DILs can be wonderful or the opposite MILs too! Yet SILs are usually fine. I'm sure it's a case of a strange type of jealousy. So let her be jealous & mean without a gift!

I now await the backlash from other posters eeeeeeekkkkkkk ?

I have the same problem but with my daughter. I still send birthday and Christmas money as I will not go down to her level. One day I will not be here and then maybe she will ponder on what she has done

My SIL has never acknowledged presents. I have tried really hard to find something suitable but year after year they would sit around un opened. A couple of years ago the Christmas gifts didn't move from the place he put them after opening for 3 months. I decided then that I wasn't going to put myself through that again so I announced that I wasn't going to buy presents for anyone. I shot myself in the foot really because now I now I can no longer buy for DD or 2 GS (age 4 and 7) which breaks my heart

In answer to all the above - she doesn't "do" families and has never bought me a present off her own back. There was a point when I noticed her distance herself from me. Nothing happened to change it but there was a definite backing off. My son is well aware but obviously he lives with her and I don't! She's not shy at all but I've always felt she isn't happy with my relationship with my son, although it doesn't threaten her at all. I make sure of that! I don't encroach on her lifestyle at all. I've given up trying to keep in contact via email as I'm always the one making the first move.
I just feel sad about the whole situation, especially at this time of year, which is very family orientated.

Jinty 44 I think like most men, he doesn't say anything, I think it is the quiet life scenario. In his defence, he has a very responsible job with varying shifts but does make the effort - he is the one to ring and suggest we might like to be included on a day outing.
I do offer to help out and be useful - drive over to give my DiL a break - so play with GD who is a delight, whilst she sits on her computer or phone, being busy. Occasionally she will bring GD to our home, but again, brings her computer so she can "get on" with things. She then stipulates they must leave at 12 so GD can fit in her lunch and nap, yet on days out, lunch can be at 3 pm.
I do not want to cause any friction, we did get a raging reaction from DiL when the subject was broached when GD was born; I feel I am up against DiL and her family, not sure if it is her or her mother who is in the driving seat?
As a mother, I cannot cause my son any divided loyalties or cause him to feel guilty about something he cannot change - would rather have a cry and get over it alone.

My DIL was always quite difficult to deal with (just like her bossy overbearing mother)! The Christmas after the second grandchild was born, I gave her a cheque for £100 with the strict instructions "that this was to be spent on herself NOT on the children". Apparently when she opened it she fell about laughing, and gave me a big hug next time I saw her. Even though they are now separated, we are still the best of friends.

What does your son say about his wife's attitude towards you?

dewy 5 - Be grateful that you have one great DiL I only had one son and was pleased when he became mature and independent. His fiancee was charming but once they married and had the first grandchild, her parents get priority over how and where they spend their time. My 2 year old granddaughter, if asked who lives in her house, will name Dil"s mother!
My husband is elderly and needs care, I make sure we do not encroach on their family life, but it is lonely not to just have a few warm words.

Yes, good advice. Rise above her pettiness and get her something.

Do you ever get presents from her? If not, then forgo any more gestures just to keep the peace. Is she perhaps just very shy and awkward in company? Does she feel intimidated by you?

Yes, agree with others . Just grit your teeth and do it. If you don't you know what will happen? Your son will side with his wife and you will be the big bad wolf.

I can completely understand how you feel. We had similar problems with DS's first wife, who "didn't do families". We were kept firmly at arms length, but I think she felt threatened by the fact that our family was so close knit and she didn't know how to deal with it as her own were definitely not. We treated her and our son the same generosity as we treated DD and her partner. If that generosity fell on stony ground we shrugged it off (well, I might have muttered just a bit!). I think you have to do the same. I think, with time, we might have found a chink in her armour, but sadly she died so we didn't get the chance. Life is too short for rancour.

Your unpleasant Dil obviously has problems relating to you for some reason. Who knows why these young women treat their Mils with such disdain? If you don't treat your Dils the same, though, it leaves an opening for it all to kick off.

I would agree. Keep the moral high ground and then she has nothing to complain about. I completely understand your irritation though.

Or dewy give her an extra tenner, give her a wink, touch her arm and say "you're my special one", see how she takes that.

I would do the same, give the same. It's her problem if she doesn't have the manners to say thank you to you. I'm sure it's not her upbringing, my ED is the same, or rather her sons are, not thank you at all when I used to see them. And she wasn't brought up like that at all.

She's "not your circus and not your monkey", (a saying I have now on a magnet to remind me not to get upset over ED anymore if she's decided she doesn't want to be in my life). Just give her the money and walk away with your head held high. She's very silly because she could have such a good relationship with you, her loss I'm afraid, it happens. X

Thank you Jomarie. I'm afraid I do give my nice dil extra little treats when I see her, as she does with me. The two dils are not in contact so no problem there. Sorry to hear you also have problems.
In the end, I have to live with myself so I will continue to do as I've been doing, which you lovely gransnetters have advised - treat them both the same.

I can understand your feelings dewy5, doesn't sound like your daughter in law will change any time soon.
As luckygirl says you need to be the better person and give her the same amount and hope things get better at some point.
If it comes to a confrontation your son will naturally take his wife's side and then it's all downhill.
At least you can feel that you have the spirit of Christmas at heart.

I think that for the sake of your relationship with your son you should go ahead and treat her the same as the other dil. You will have the "moral highground" and the satisfaction of knowing that you are a good, kind, fair person to boot. This could be the year she caves in and says "thank you" - wear her down with kindness!!!! You could also sneakily give your nice dil an extra little something when you next see her (not wrapped in Xmas paper) - I'm thinking some nice body lotion/hand cream - just a little personal thing between the two of you to say "thank you" for being such a lovely dil. That is providing you can trust her not to brag to the other one, of course. In fact, thinking about it again, best just treat them both the same. I feel for you as I have a similar problem with my dil's. Good luck.

From the moment I met her, as my sons chosen one, I've treated her as one of the family, and she has received the same as everyone else. I'm thanked by everyone else but even if that happens in front of her, nothing is ever said.
My OH makes a point of asking if the gift we've given is something she likes but she says anything other than "thanks".
I've bitten the bullet for a number of years now, but for some reason I'm feeling irked by it this year.

At least by treating them all equally you leave the door open for a future rapprochement.

Are you ever thanked by all the others that you buy for?Or is it just that particular DIL?
Do they all buy you a present in return?
If sending them all a bit of cash, I would bite the bullet and send each DIL the same amount.

For the sake of peace in your family I would suck it up and give her the same as the other dil.