Ostracised

Dear Banished, reading through this, others are right, Don't give MIL another thought she is not important anymore in your life, you have to put yourself first. your H was an idiot, but lots of men are, it does it make what he did OK. AT least he supported you in front of his mother. Draw the line, she is on her own, without your family, and responsible for what comes out of her mouth. You are great - believe it. X

Faye- thanks for your thoughts. If forgiveness means finally accepting that someone has done me wrong, accepting it, learning to live with it while not condoning it, then I yes that's the path I am on. I can see by not "letting go" I will only prolong the hurt for myself. I have not been a push over, I would not allow continued bad behaviour. My question was about my mil though not my decision to remain married. Thanks to all who have been helpful. Its appreciated. The term " better person" was a poor choice of phrase.my thinking was- if I had ended the marriage without taking time to see how I felt, I might always have wondered if I would've been capable of forgiveness , that's all I meant.

She has mental health issues by the sound of it, I wonder if she sufferers from early on set dementia. Your marriage is your business and most mothers wouldn't interfere, I know I would do all I could for my dil, all you can do, is rebuild your relationship with your husband as that is what you have chosen to do, and put plenty if space between you nd mil.

Don't bother having sympathy for H. It's his problem, how he gets on with his mother.

Sorry to say but forgiving an unfaithful husband does not make you the better person. I don't think most women who stay with a husband who has had an affair really forgive, they more than likely don't want a broken marriage. You should do what is best for you.

I have taken a step back & if she wants no relationship with me I accept that. I do have some sympathy for H though & the position he is in. (Yes I know he didn't consider me when having an affair) but I am who I am. Yes I could live without having a relationship with her but it seems difficult for H. I will & have not offered him advice as how to handle this any more. It's not my problem now. Thanks all.

That's not really what I meant I just didn't phrase it well. I know in my head what I'm trying to say but don't know how to put it into words. Maybe what makes me the better person is to rise above, not retaliate & add fuel to the fire. Many thanks to all.

There are always consequences Banished. You have saved your marriage and your parents are being supportive, but you will have to accept that your MIL is not going to get over it. How important is your relationship with her to you? She doesn't like you so step away and leave it to your husband to sort it out. Otherwise, you are nurturing her resentment towards you.

keep your distance you can't win she blames you cos" son can do no wrong"

With respect, banished, I'm not sure that thinking of yourself as "the better person" is a good idea.

Thankyou gettingonabit, yes I completely see what you're saying. I think he has lost something, his reputation. It was a huge scandal locally, word spread as to why he lost his job so he really put himself in to the spotlight in a negative light. It maybe took him a while but I believe he has come to see what enormous damage the affair caused, especially me. I think my parents probably had a tough time biting their tongue, but they have. They wouldn't want to cause any further animosity & respect my wish to remain married to him. It hasn't been easy and I think the easy thing would've been to walk away- if I can forgive (not forget) doesn't that make me the better person?

Has your H done anything at all to call Mil on her behaviour towards you?

I think you are right in that your Mil's behaviour IS about control; she wants her son to herself, and your place in his life is an irritation to her. Maybe that's the cause of her behaviour-she's lashing out at you in frustration. But it's spiteful, destructive behaviour. And being able to explain behaviour doesn't make it right.

I hope you don't mind me saying this-and I may have grabbed the wrong end of the stick on this-but there does seem to be a pattern in your parents' and your own behaviour. Your parents have behaved impeccably (from what you say) and so have you. They have tolerated poor behaviour from your husband, as have you. You have suffered, both physically and mentally, while your h has lost nothing, and is carrying on as before. No flies on him, as we used to say in the office when some lazy b..rd got away with something again.

You sound like such a kind, sensitive, thoughtful person...what I'm trying to say a bit cack-handedly is that maybe you've taken too much of the blame for others' poor behaviour, whilst they've not only got away with it, but continue to behave badly towards you.

I think it's time to step away. For the sake of your mental and physical well-being.

I had a similar experience with my MiL which was very hurtful and I was completely innocent.

I was the only one who did anything for her, my OH, his brother and SiL, never cared much for her. I supported her financially by paying for new central heating and a cleaner, welcomed her into our home. (She never new it was my earnings paying for her things or that I had break my husbands arm to keep inviting her)

When my Dd got pregnant at 19 she totally turned against her. My Dds boyfriend moved into our house while they saved for a flat. On her weekly visits she refused to engage with them, so they would stay in their room. My DD was very poorly during her pregnancy and I am sure the treatment of the GM she loved did not help.

Eventually enough was enough. We went to see her and told her that she would not be welcome if she continued her treatment of DD. She said

"Well that's no loss, you have never been any sort of DiL to Me" she had been to our house for a meal once or twice every week ever since we had married. We had even taken her on holiday with us the first 2 years after she was widowed.

As you say, Banished, some Mils are very odd.

I can't see that you're in any way to blame so don't worry.

He was in pretty close contact with his mum, he visited maybe once a fortnight or so and there was a phone call on a Sunday evening regularly. Unfortunately H lost his job because of the affair (colleague) his workplace had been somewhere his mother freely visited him & saw him most days, Now in his new employment that's not possible. It's not somewhere she can pop in & I think she resents that. Not my fault though, I'm in the same situation now, I've never been in his new workplace either. Thankyou all very much for your responses, you've helped me clarify that this isn't in any way my fault & that I shouldn't be worrying about this situation.

Look to the positives Banished - you and your DH have overcome a bad situation and moved forward, together. And you have had his total support in the situation with your MiL.

I'm wondering how long it was between his affair, the resolution and the visit to his mother in April. It sounds like you've been through a lot and it's taken a while to work through your pain, both physical and emotional.

Was there perhaps a time when all this was going on when your MiL didn't see her son for quite a while, or was he in regular contact with her during all this?

I think I care because it's just not a very nice situation, I've never experienced fighting within family before. i think H is shocked at mil's behaviour & feels there was no need for things to become like this. It seems a shame. My parents reacted very differently. They expressed shock & disappointment in H but when I decided the marriage wasn't over, they behaved as they always had done towards him. I know it was difficult for them to see me unwell & they were very supportive of me, but after the initial "we are so disappointed in you" speech it wasn't mentioned to him again.
A couple of times after the exposure of the affair, mil displayed some controlling behaviour to H, inviting him to lunch but only without me. He told her no his wife must be his priority after his poor behaviour & she didn't like that. I suspect this current state of affairs is also about control?

Let her stew. She is trying to come between you as she wants to be the woman in your OHs life, she is cutting off her nose to spite her face.

It sounds as if she has just flipped. People do that sometimes in stressful situations. Why do you care that there has been no contact since April? If someone behaved so badly towards me I think I'd be quite glad if they kept their distance afterwards.

Is your husband bothered that his mum isn't getting in touch?

Keep away from your MIL, let your DH worry about her, there is nothing more you can do, except not make your DH's life so comfortable.

Gettingonabit- I've always been very much a homemaker , I enjoy all things domestic! Although I work and always have , I could happily occupy myself at home so no it wasn't eagerness to please her. Never was. I will admit to wanting to be a good wife & mother though.

Thanks for all the replies. I feel better now and I've managed to put some weight back on. I was size 12 pre affair and fell to size 6 in a matter of weeks post affair. I know I looked awful, I was skeletal & had a permanent shake for several months & I couldn't sleep well. I'm up to a size 8, don't shake or tremble & nightmares are less frequent. At no point was I off sick from work. I was however asked to a meeting to explain my appearance & I had to tell my manager what had happened. During mil's rant she shouted at me "you have to get over it!!". Now that I feel stronger i wonder how she thought she was helping matters with her behaviour. Surely she could see the damage for herself? I now pretty sure I would rather go n/c with her but she shouldn't cut her son off surely? I've already expressed my wish to just fade into the background & not be part of his family if that's how it must be. What a ridiculous situation. How would she have responded had I thrown him out I wonder?

I think you've answered your own question, banished.

She can't /won't find fault with her son, and is desperately trying to find a reason in you ad to why he strayed. She can't find fault with you, so has turned on you instead.

You've done well to try to repair your relationship given what's happened to you. You've had a hard time and you deserve a break. Take one! You owe this woman nothing.

You seem rather eager to please her though-ironing, cooking, cleaning for a seemingly (to many, probably) undeserving man in a bid, it seems, to gain her approval.

Have you explored why this may be? Perhaps it would help?

Sounds like she's created a fantasy of perfect husband and perfect son. She won't accept anything other than that so lashes out at you, as an easy target.
Possibly she now doesn't want to contact her son in case he persists in trying to shatter her illusions.
She could probably do with seeing a counsellor too.

Some women put their man before their children. When the man goes, death or desertion ,they replace with the son. Not all women, just some.