daughter in law problems

My DGD's house is small, so if DILs family come from overseas, we will likely go down after lunch for coffee and bring some desserts. It would be too much for my stepson to cook for so many people. I can do it easily here at our place, even though a flat, more serving space. We did it last year as DGD was only 6 mos and they took her overseas in the New Year.

I am not fussed about the lunch, but would be wanting to see DGD on Christmas Day after they have their meal.

Weddings and Christmases are a minefield and you have to put on your steel plated armour not to be offended. Compromise is the way forward. Give something up to get what you want. It looks as if you are not going to get the invitation you want from the DIL for Christmas day as ten years have passed and it hasn't come yet. Boxing Day seems also sewn up.

In that case try to arrange a day together later in the Christmas week or at the New Year. Make a (non-Christmassy) meal or all go out to lunch somewhere. Have a day out where the grandchild can be entertained and you can spend time with your son. Be cheerful and make it fun. Withold the presents until this day and advertise this as extending the season. If you make it an really friendly and enjoyable occasion it might well happen on subsequent years too.

Have you ever considered that your DIL and son are considering the needs of their child. You say there are other (3)grandchildren.

Maybe they all play together at Christmas. I say this because in my (step)family my husband and I were invited for many years to Christmas dinner at one particular daughter's of his who lives nearby. Then last year she said she did not have room for us, and there was no detail as to why. We were a bit upset about this privately. I did not realise the reason really was that she was looking after an enormous dog belonging to her son and girlfriend who had come back from Australia. What we did was visit all my husband's kids locally - not even a mince pie was offered by any of them, which I thought was a bit mean.

I think you would be better off having a friendly nice word with your son in a non combatitive way, but do your own thing together and just not worry about what they do. All you can do is offer to have them over to yours, you can't make them do anything they don't want to do.

Oh the emotional baggage that come with Christmas. Almost any other day of the year we could accept it, but it really hurts when it is Christmas.
If she is not going to change, and it sounds very much as if the longer it goes on the more stubborn she will be, you may be able to get your DS to negotiate a compromise -the weekend immediately before Christmas perhaps, or Christmas Eve (and if DIL is too busy to come, too bad) You invite the family over, exchange presents and try very very hard to get Christmas out of your system that way. I know it is easier said than done but this will not go away and why should her stubbornness and insensitivity be allowed to ruin your Christmas.
I actually cried when DD3 told us that they were going away to DD1's holiday house with them one Easter as I had (wrongly) assumed they would all come to us. DH was not well enough to go away although we were subsequently invited to join them. I recognised my own irrationality as in this case no deliberate hurt was intended but this is much more hurtful for you.
Dare I suggest (without knowing her) that your DIL is being selfish and immature? If she is using this as a DIL/MIL power struggle, you can show her by example. If she won't give way, the only change can be in how you view if, if you can see your DGS before Christmas then put it behind you and plan something non-Christmassy for DH and yourself on the day,( maybe with friends?) so that you are not dwelling on what you are missing .
Good luck, I do feel for you

I think we are too emotionally invested in Christmas, it becomes the snub of all snubs if it doesn't live up to expectations........I had loads of people here last year, they loved it. I am not sure it was any better than Christmas on my own which I have done and will repeat this year.

Sons seem to go along with whatever the wife wants and that comes up on here all the time, so must be natural and works for them, because if you stand in front of the telly when the football is on they soon let you know their opinion!!!!!!

What about Easter? Halloween? birthdays ? do you get a look in there?

I understand wanting to be at home with young kids they do not want to leave the swag they have waited so long for (it seems ages when you are a kid)......Family celebrations aren't always a good match, some people go mad over them and others are pared down, some people laugh at a whooppee (me) and other people can cope without them.

Your son is making choices and he wants the kids to have a good time so less stress the better........be the better granny on the days you do get.......let the kids make the case for being with you.

It is one bloody day.........don't sweat it, makes no difference to the overall scheme of things and can cause lots of trouble for the rest of the year.

Be the granny who says 'I love your hair' when they have outrageous hairstyles, be the one who knows who their best friends are and what they think about things......a granny is for life not just for Christmas.

I agree with above posters. Create a special day that is 'your'Christmas day with your son and family
One of my DDs is a health care professional .Last year we had Christmas Day on Christmas Eve, the year before on Boxing Day .We have in the past celebrated on a different day to accommodate DD1s (now ex )partner's natural wish for them to spend some time with his (huge)family,who lived at the opposite and of the country to us .We will have it on Christmas Day this year (by virtue if driving for two hours each way to fetch her on Christmas norning) but to me the important thing is that our(very small family)spends some time together over the holiday period,with our family ''rituals' and timetable .The actual day us unimportant
I do think you maybe need to unlpick some things in your overall relationship though .

This is why Xmas is the most stressful time of the year for families. We have five children between us and are now great grandparents. When we lived near them years ago I made Boxing Day the family get together. But after a while I realised that it was putting pressure on them as they had other family and friends they wanted to share it with. I stopped the celebrations and think that they have a right to choose who they spend the seasonal time with. If that is her mother then so be it. You need to back off and arrange a Xmas meal after Xmas. It is not as if Xmas has any religious meaning to folk anywhere. It's come down to a meal and presents. Oh and they get their presents at that meal!.We choose now to spend every Xmas on a cruise. Family don't have to worry about us and we have a good relationship with our children. I tend to think of what their needs are and not mine.

I feel for you whereami but for myself I would prefer to go away for the Christmas / have a different meal / go for a walk / see a film - whatever - rather than force anyone to come to me for Christmas Day. Choose a Sunday after Christmas to ask them to come to you - save your presents until then. Don't cook a regular Christmas lunch - opt for something you can prepare in advance so you can spend time with your son and grandson (and DIL if she chooses to come). It is hard but you have to accept this situation but try and make Christmas an enjoyable time for you and your husband. Maybe you have some friends you could meet up with and share a meal. Please try and hide the hurt you are feeling from your family.

I wish you peace and happiness.

I think if it were me I would have to do some straight talking with son and dil. Seems an unbelievable unfair situation to have gone on for so long.

Do you have other relations or friends you spend the day with? If dil is determined not to change, then just make your Xmas as lovely as possible. Invite them for a meal in the run up to Xmas, perhaps the Sunday before, so that grandson can see your tree, and have some little Xmas treats in advance.

I can understand how this hurts. Not easy to feel overlooked. It is hard, if not impossible, to change other people. Challenging to change our own approach but it can be done. I wonder if you could introduce the idea of your own tradition. Maybe to host a meal , day or afternoon in your home close to Christmas, keeping to the same day, maybe the weekend before, or a specific day between Christmas and New Year, so it eventually becomes a habit? Would they agree to your grandson having his gifts from you then? You could share his excitement and have some special time together with your son and his wife. Plan something that you and your husband enjoy on Christmas Day, talk with pleasure about it, try not to sound bitter and you may be surprised that you enjoy the Christmas time so much more. Christmas brings up so many emotions and differing expectations there are bound to be family tensions. I hope things settle for you.

A lot of these problems are caused by a lack of communication, you all need to be clear about what are your expectations. What do they do for a living my occupation, I had to work over the break it also meant I could have spent xmas eve doing something truly horrible and would have wanted to spend quiet time. Above all else no guilt tripping it is not going to make your daughter in law more inclined to invite you for xmas. What is the distance away from your son's family (you don't mention your son there are 2 adults in the marriage!!)? My children get travel sick the thought of having to plan all the logistics of presents, general xmas organisation and then having to travel with small children would finish me. Are the other grandparents just popping over for lunch so staying for 2/3 hours? Could you invite them over for an hour in the morning for a glass of champagne? Also xmas lunch is a lot of work I have done it the last 2 years for a lot of people and I barely spent any time with my children who wanted me to help with their toys. We did the everyone bring a side dish and it was worse than just doing it myself as everything seemed to need to go
In the oven the same time??

Also think about what you want for your grandson, I grew up being able to wake up in my own house and play with my new toys. We then went to see family in the morning and then home for lunch and to play again.

The pressure on the young family to do what everyone wants is immense and it is not why the meaning of xmas is about. For us it's about reflecting on the child we lost and making sure the children with us have a great day.

I think you should have word with your son. Its not just down to your DIL.

This isn't a problem with your DIL, its down to BOTH of them, your DIL and your Son. You have also picked apart her parents.

"Only her parents are not who we would wish to spend Christmas day with'

That's fine if they arn't your 'type' of people but without being harsh, maybe your Son and DIL feel the same way about you.

I do, think after 10 years that no christmas dinner or even boxing day dinner is really odd! We saw my parents Christmas days and my MIL came on Boxing day.

I don't think you're being unreasonable either, 5. What I think is that, although you don't want to admit it because it hurts, you may just have to lump it and enjoy all the other times you have with your son and his family. I have done this with a sibling-and-his-partner problem I had. It took a while but it was worth it in the end. They are who they are and they are how they are and, most of all, they are good people.

Oh dear - this does sound very familiar - whenever we tried to see our son & family over Christmas we were told they had already made plans. Sadly in our case this has extended to the rest of the year too. If you have regular contact with them the rest of the year I would tread very carefully. I understand how upsetting it is for you but I think your best bet is to arrange to see them on another day instead - your grandson will probably be over-excited on Christmas day anyway and this way you will get his full attention. Definitely keep his present until you can give it to him in person - he`ll probably be bored with his other presents by then and will appreciate your`s more.

How often do you see your grandson and his parents through the rest of the year?

I'm sure you don't regard yourselves as sundry relatives, 555, but your daughter-in-law may regard you as such. Not that I was suggesting you were or that she does; sorry if my phrasing was bad. I was suggesting saying that I don't see anything wrong with a couple wanting to spend xmas day on their own with their child.

We don't regard ourselves as 'sundry' relatives. We are parents of our only son, grandparents of our only grandson, not some distant aunt/uncle or cousin.
Her parents have had 3 Christmas day lunches over the 10 years. We are asking for us to spend just one out of 10 years.
I don't think that is being unreasonable, in fact we have been quite tolerant. We are just wanting a bit of fairness, it is us who are asking them to come to our house, not the other way round.
There are 2 lots of parents in this family, and one of them have a lot more consideration than the other.

It'll have to be New Year, then. By that time the Christmas excitement will be fading and a meal at yours will seem a good idea. Invite them soon, then the day will be booked.

Ten years, you say? Isn't it time you just accepted the way they want to spend Christmas Day and Boxing Day?

I don't think it's unreasonable for a nuclear family to want to spend Christmas Day quietly at home without sundry relatives. How many times have your son's inlaws been invited to xmas lunch at his house? Once in ten years? Maybe they're working up to inviting you. Then again, maybe they're not.

I dont think it's fair to expect to be invited to someone else's home on xmas day. Nice if it happens. Shrug if it doesn't. There are no hard and fast rules.

Do you see them regularly at other times?

to Elegran, thanks but they are going to her parents on Boxing Day so that is out too.

to Hellomonty, We have never knowingly shown dislike to her parents, whenever we have met them we have been as friendly as we can.

this is a difficult one I know, and maybe there is no solution, but sometimes it would be nice to feel we matter to our family, we have given so much to them with help of various kinds over the years. We feel that we have been taken for granted. It leaves a bitter taste in our mouths. It is nice to have different views from others though. thanks

Crossed posts, Hellomonty

How about inviting your son and his family on Boxing Day? you could leave Grandson's present under the tree in your house for him to open?

Just don't do another turkey dinner - one is enough!

A thought - is your daughter-in-law aware of your antipathy toward her parents, or do you take care always to speak nicely of them? That could have an effect on her willingness to spend her Christmas day with you.

No matter how careful people are it can be difficult to hide a dislike. Perhaps your dislike of her parents has been noticed and from your son's family's point of view, rather than leaving you out, they are simply not including someone who clearly is unhappy in their company.

Forget about Christmas altogether and invite them for New Year's Day.

That is a very good idea, only her parents are not who we would wish to spend Christmas day with, her father is quite antisocial and just sits there not speaking much. Her mother is not much better. It could be quite awkward. But thank you for your input.