Another wedding problem

It's not easy to sway a daughter's point of view especially when it's something as important as her wedding day. Perhaps an impartial close friend or family member that she trusts and listens to, could point out the following:

A) DD may want to consider that inviting her SIL to the wedding could be a sound strategy after all. A brother is family and by extension so is his spouse.

B) If DD chooses to snub his brother's wife, she will similarly be stooping down to her SIL's deplorable class of rudeness and crass behavior. She will also be handing her the very ammunition the harpy needs to alienate your son from his family for once and for all.

C) Permanent alienation would generate tremendous damage to three very important people in DD's life namely, you, her father and her brother! What does DD prefer to memorialize on her wedding day? Causing her immediate family more long term grief....or how she 'rightly'punished (probably) short term SIL?

D) Consider instead that if SIL gets invited she'll have to behave civilly and DD will end up being the bigger person especially in her brother's eyes. SIL may also reveal her true nature by not showing up anyway (bonus) so there's that...and a third possibility is that the wedding might actually soften her up a bit.

Whatever happens, there is always little to be gained by being vindictive and much more to be gained by being magnanimous. May you all enjoy a perfectly beautiful wedding celebration!

Families - such pain caused
And using grand children as a weapon or a shield - so horrible -
Anyway this wedding could be the catalyst to end the differences
As long As not too Much wedding alcohol consumed as that can ,make people say things they shouldn't ...
Can your son speak to his sister and tell her this is affecting you all
Or maybe doesn't want her there as sounds like theybhave problems in their marriage
On the other hand do we know if Daughter in l aw will even come if invited - she may snub the invite anyway
I think you have to go with the flow sadly as is often the case as mothers and grand mothers we have to carry on carrying on being strong.

I consider I have a good relationship with my DS and when his wife started to be rude to my DM and refuse her to let him take his DS round to his DGM, I told him, albeit obliquely, it was time to grow a pair. He didn't want it to be like that but felt he should support his DW. I agreed with him but pointed out he should also be supportive to his family, but most importantly, prepared to fight his own corner because one thing is for sure, the behaviour is only likely to get worse. Perhaps you could talk to your son and ask for his support with the wedding.

I have the same problem but with a SIL she has alienated my brother from his family and wants him to have nothing to do with any of us! My mother is 90 and very rarely sees my brother who lives 500 miles away. They arrived a few weeks ago for the first time in 3 years took mother out to lunch and then went again - of course I didn't see them even though we live in the same town. My SIL has been like this for at least 40 years and shows no signs of changing she is so controlling.

I would appear from your description of the situation that dear sweet DIL is a bit of a bully and is using your grandchildren as some sort of bargaining ploy which I absolutely abhor. It would also seem that whatever you do, say or think isn't going to change the situation. I'm surprised at your son, has he no real say in the matter? I've said it before and I'll keep saying it "Unto thyself be true" otherwise you become compliant in a situation which is not of your choosing and doesn't make you happy. So it seems your piggy in the middle and maybe the time is approaching when you think what you say and say what you think to let people know exactly how you feel because afterall you are the most important person in this scenario.

Yes, it is very sad indeed belladonna. Due to the extremely unpleasant and controlling nature of our d.i.l. and our son's unwillingness or inability to stand up to her, we have been estranged from him and our only GC for 4 years now.

IMO eddiecat this is your DD's wedding and she shouldn't be put under pressure to invite her s.i.l. You say she's been very distressed at the treatment dished out to her parents and family in general and that her nieces and nephews don't even know her; why on earth would she want them at her wedding?

She wants to be able to enjoy her wedding day and she wants you to be able to enjoy it too. How will you be able to do so if you're on your guard in case your d.i.l. doesn't behave responsibly?

It isn't a matter of offering olive branches, of being the bigger or the better person with these people; they're not interested (as well you know). All they're interested in is control and ensuring that those they don't want to be a part of their lives, wont be.

Let your DD have the wedding day she wants, it's your son's choice as to whether or not he attends (I hope he does). If your d.i.l. wants to know why she's not been invited then she can ask and be told.

It's bad enough when parents feel they have to walk on egg shells and put up with unreasonable behaviour for fear of losing their adult child and GC to a controlling and manipulative partner, why should other family members be held to ransom too.

I'm so sorry you're in such a difficult situation.

So many of us can ditto this re our relationship with DILs ...how sad .......

I can't see any reason not to invite DS, DIL and GC, they are family like it or not and you say she'll behave on the day. Weddings often bring out the best in people, everyone knows who the real stars are and understand their own role in the 'show'. Plus surely your son won't come to the wedding on his own, that could be very awkward.

People can change, we all live and learn, and maybe the wedding will prove a good turning point in family relations. If they've separated by then, the problem goes away.

However, I also think that your DD and her fiancé (what does he think btw?) should have the final say, and then you'll all just have to live with the consequences.

Rosina a lot of us hate the acronyms others love them I personally don't use them takes two secs longer but a lot less translation in my head so my advice is use the proper word if you're more comfortable with it use the abbreviation if that makes you happy

As regards the daughter in law I personally think it needs to be done or else your daughter could find her relationship with her brother disappears as he will surely be very hurt if his whole family isn't invited She may not even come but I don't see how you can send an invitation to your son without including her That really would be an awful slight and would definitely put the kybosh on any future relationships with the grand children or even maybe your son I definitely like the idea of roping a few relations in to keep her out of the way of the bride that seems like the best way to go

Interesting!
When DD got married, she asked if it was OK not to invite my sister. I told her it was her wedding and she could do what she wanted... [feeling very relived that I didn't have to face her] Contact with my sister was scrappy at best, and usually hideous as sister and her DH would spend their time being passive/aggressive towards me and make the most horrible comments about me. I said nothing, to keep the peace. My DC were horrified at their behaviour!
I would leave it to your DD and let her make her own decisions. It is her wedding.

rozina, the abbreviations are here www.gransnet.com/info/acronyms. Click on the blue text.

Son can come on his own and let DIL look after the kids........he is a grown man and must make his own decisions. If DIL acts as if everything is fine when you do meet up,maybe for her, it is, all families have their own internal cultures.

Just say to son that you want him there, and it is up to him how he deals with it, if he says are we all invited the reply is of course we love you all', and if there are any hesitations say 'come on you own if it doesn't suit you all', all these family things are a devil to fix, but grown ups can make their own choices.

Shame DD doesn't want the whole crew there but as it is unlikely to cause a scene of any kind, and she herself will be busy being belle of the ball etc.....surely she can overlook the past. No point making more hurtful past into a happy future.

Sorry Eddicat78 but what is a DD!! Everyone seems to use these short forms but I hate them. Can't help you unless I know what you are talking about!

At my father's funeral I asked a relative to bodyguard (control) my mother from whom my father had been divorced for 40 years so she didn't outshine the step mother who had brought me and my brothers up since infancy. It worked - apparently she did play up during the funeral and my burly cousin silenced her. Afterwards, she tried to hang around me (I wanted to support my stepmother but not hurt my mother) and another cousin whisked her away.
Hope this helps - get organised!
Horrible situation for you
Sue

Reading this really holds a cord with me as my son is getting married next year( if it goes ahead) we too have difficult time but have bitten our tongues on many occasions just to have contact with our grandchildren so I know how you feel , keep trying they oho led usntomransom over our beautiful innocent grandchildren x

I totally sympathise with your problem - I also have a very controlling DIL who is very jealous of our relationship with the grandchildren (when we get to see them) and keeps our visits to once a month, even though we live round the corner, and feigns "separation anxiety" when we offer to look after them on our own - although she and my son have just come back from 5 days in Spain, having left the children with her mother. I digress - it felt good to get it out and I realise I am not alone! However, yes, your DIL will use it as a stick to beat you with if you exclude her from this family wedding. She is family, after all, and leaving her out of the festivities will just exacerbate an already difficult situation. It's a horrible way to live, isn't it - treading constantly on eggshells in case you are denied access to your grandchildren.
I can also understand your DD's viewpoint - it must upset her to see how you are treated and she obviously doesn't want any bad feeling on her wedding day, but excluding your DIL may well lead to a permanent breakdown in communication and it is unfortunately totally within her power to deny you access to your grandchildren.

eddiecat - so sorry to hear about this but I think you should go along with your daughter's wishes about who comes to her wedding.

Could your daughter write a letter to her brother explaining that whilst you would like to invite his family, she has seen how much unhappiness his wife has caused their parents and has asked them not to invite him or his family.

That way he knows it's down to the daughter rather than you and your husband?

Alternatively, you could stand by your guns and say/write that you cannot invite her after all the hurt she has caused and are not prepared to risk her presence poisoning the atmosphere on what should be such a joyful day.

Who's paying for the wedding? If it's you and your husband (your DD's parents), then I think you get to say who's invited and who isn't. Your DD can obviously make sure you know who she wants to invite but then you can invite anyone whom you feel should be invited. Being a drama queen just because one's getting married is, well, just being a drama queen. Bit of grown up behaviour wouldn't go amiss.

Those advising you to try and persuade your DD that not inviting DiL is playing into DiL's hands are wise.

Thanks for directing me to abbreviations. My daughter is getting married soon. My personal opinion is its up to the bride . But I'd certainly want her to be invited .

I read so many stories here about DILs resenting their husbands parents and families. The plain and simple truth about some of these women is they are jealous and resentful of the relationships these men had with their families before they met.

So if she says "the children won't be going" maybe because she doesn't want to cope with children at a wedding.

Again if you don't invite your sons and family, as you say you are playing into her hands and alienating you son.

Just post the invitation and get on with enjoying the wedding preparations.

As some one said everything works out in the end. Make DIL a band subject stop letting her hurt you. Your daughter most likely feels better now show has had a could cry about it. Start laughing at her antics.

Sorry, my previous message made no sense at the end. I was responding to Monkeebeat.

So agree. I keep having to translate as if reading foreign language.

GagaGran - I love your DGD ???!!

BTW not just 1 incident but time and time again,