Regrets about being estranged from people..

I've said to DH that if he wants to/when he feels ready then I'll support him but right now in his mind there's no chance.

I've said this before, but when it was targeted at me he was pissed but I'm a big girl. But when she couldn't get a rise from either of us she moved onto our children. That's when he bit back. That's why he hasn't tried to 'fix' it I think.

She'd already let DD down numerous times before all of this. So we have to factor that she's old enough now to understand and there's 2 of them now. It's my biggest fear that we let her back in and hurts them all over again. Even worse we let it happen.

When I write something on this site its done with a genuine feeling that it might be useful and I expect others to comment.

I'm not really bothered what they say, I've said my bit.

Take the word "Minutiae", Gawd knows what that means, but google does.

I learn so much from just sitting here for 3 to 4 hours in the morning that I will always be thank full. I also know that theirs a lot of grief out their, and after reading what you lot have to put up with, I'm really more lucky than I thought.

Fairydoll thanks for pointing out you didn’t that say I am nasty, but rather that my comments were nasty. Either way, it is hardly reasoned argument, just a judgement - and I find it odd that you would split hairs like that when you said at 22.59 yesterday “why do we have to get into the minutiae”?

It’s good to see the thread getting back on track and hopefully we can now continue to express our different views without disruption.

I think if there is any chance of a reconciliation to take that chance, even if you are feel you are the injured party and its not up to you to make that first move. It takes a lot of guts to do that, if it doesn't work, just your pride will have been hurt but you will have tried everything. I did that and was knocked back and yes it did hurt, but I could have not tried as it meant so much to me.

I honestly have no idea.

See there wasn't any argument or a big row. We just said 'no' as I'd had a difficult time at the end of the pregnancy we was unable to do everything that was expected.

Usually we would of done it then me and DH would of argued later on. But we didn't this time (because of the councilling we had) we just said 'no we can't do XYZ right now as things are abit difficult' That's when it erupted.

So it wasn't a topic to avoid we just couldn't met her expections if that makes sense? She's acting like the injured party because we didn't do what she wanted and we feel like the injured party because she wanted us to put her above everything.

DH tried to meet in the middle on a few occasions and that's when it got worse. Before he would do everything to make it easier for her while we struggled but it was a case of we couldn't carry on the way we was as we had changes like DD starting school, newborn, his new job etc

That's when the lies started being spread, FIL texting etc. DH explained to both of them but it was ignored.

If he decides to make contact, we are worried they will want to go back like it was and circumstances have changed a lot now and we will struggle even more to meet her expectations.

That was in reply to morethan

Indeed sometimes one word just says it all.....even if just that one word was deleted by GN

Madamecholet
I have not referred to you as 'nasty' - let's be clear on that.

It's was your comments to Rhinestone about her family that were nasty.

What sort of reaction did you expect to provoke?

Pollengran. I don't need your advice regarding which thread to post on. My mum estranged herself from all my grandparents when I was very young resulting in me never seeing them (I didn't know where they lived) and it has troubled me. She frequently cut people out of her life as and when she felt like it. I was very distressed in 2014 when I discovered my paternal grandfather had died alone living not far from DH's family home the same year I married him. I was my grandads only grandchild.

The thread you refer to is used as a support thread by posters who been cut out of their adult children's lives.

Hope that clarifies everything ladies. Like Rhinestone I will also be leaving this thread now.

I know somtimes one word says it all Anya thanks. Perhaps the children will make some sort of contact in the future who knows (shrug emotion)

Life!

It is but I understand completely morethan' ..hang on to the fact that live has been easier without them.

Perhaps the cousins could contact each other via Facebook? Just a thought

I haven't read this whole thread so I may be going off piste here. I don't really want any advice just getting somthing off my chest. Two of my sisters have not spoken/ contacted me or my youngest sister since my dad died. I was upset at the way they treated my youngest sister and the way they handled the funeral and I was very vocal in my disapproval. The straw that broke the camels back was that I insisted on keeping a promise I made my dad that they thought was unimportant. I don't really miss them. They were very very hard work. However I've just heared through the family grapevine that one of their children had a baby and that's made me feel a bit sad. I'm also in a quandary about telling them about my DiL terminal illness. I love their children and I'm sure they love mine. The cousins saw a lot of each other during their childhood. I understand completely that the cousins are in a horrible position and have chosen to stay away feeling loyalty to their own parents but it's sad and proves that any type of estrangement reverberates through generations. I often wonder if I'll feel real regret or guilt if anything happens to either of them but because at this present time I know it would take a mammoth effort to instigate a reconciliation I just haven't got the energy or the inclination. I'm still very close to the younger sister who is here now supporting me, my DiL,son and my grandchildren. We discuss the situation often. (of course she thinks it all their fault) but I worry that I've affected her relationship with them. She tells me that's not the case at all but I do wonder. If they contacted me I'd be willing to let bygones be bygones but I don't think she would( they did treat her horribly) there's also part of me that would think life has been much easier without them and their infantile sibling rivalry. Sad though isn't it.

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

OK Rhinestone, that's fine.

This will be my last post "Madamecholet" so you will have to find another prey to berate. Fairydollis right about what you said to me. You make assumptions BEFORE you ask the questions or know the facts. So here are some missing facts:
1. My son has no family and he estranged himself for his own purposes . There was no argument or unpleasantries.
2. Yes my stepson has two children who even though they are not biological to me don't know any different. I have fed them , wiped their bottoms and put them to bed since they were born.Do they need my DNA to be loved and cared for by me?
I owe you no explanation but you sure can jump to conclusions. To tell me that those children aren't mine is enlightening as I had no clue. And to say that it is wrong for me to not care about my ESS and his wife is surely a judgment don't you think. Being estranged has shown me the true self of those people. So maybe I am not sorry for the estrangement as I have learned a valuable lesson about people.

I surely learned one about your meaness. I think you may be secretly a pot stirrer. And with that comment I estrange myself from this thread.

Fairydoll could I just point out that once you post something on a public forum, it is out there for other members to comment on – Rhinestone introduced the subject of her disputes with family members and I commented on her post.

I have no problem with anyone disagreeing with what I say, (my DH does that all the time) but calling someone "nasty", referring back to posts on a now deleted thread or insisting that we all have to be supportive of a particular point of view just takes a thread off-topic and it is such a pity when this thread started off as an exchange of views from both sides of the estrangement situation.

Going to bed I mean.

I think that is for the best Fairydoll.

Polentran

Well I have now!!

No, I haven't noticed any previously - so does that prevent me from posting here?
Not sure what you're trying to convey.

This is getting ridiculous.....

Polengran. I am aware of the support thread but I'm not sure why you think it would better suit my needs!!

I am not estranged from my AC or GC but I do have sympathy for those who are, and so I post there occasionally.

But thank you anyway....

Sure everything will seem better in the morning. I'm off to bed.

Do you actually read any comments directed at you Fairydoll?

FD2030 I don't do pointless so I'll bid you goodnight and sweet dreams.

pollengran my thoughts exactly.

Yes Anya, they were! Now it has gone a bit Pete Tong. I hope it gets back on track because it is very valuable to many of us.

Anya - why do we have to get into the minutae????

MC is at liberty to make comments, but it doesn't necessarily follow that anyone has to agree with them or that they are not unpleasant, so I don't see how I'm being illogical, or why I shouldn't respond to them.

None of the comments have offended or affected me personally but, as oft repeated and encouraged here, I am just looking at things from a different perspective.

People were listening to each other and not taking offence at every little phrase or trying to score points.