Dilemma with son and daughter in law

All I can say annodomini is that you have been very lucky with your DILs. If you go on Mumsnet there are to many posts about the fraught relationship between MILs and. DILs.
There are also heartbreaking posts on Gransnet regarding DILs preventing GPs from seeing their GC.
It is all very sad. Your post detailing how wonderfully you get on with your DILs isn't really entirely appropriate on this thread. It is a tad smug and not very empathic,, as the original post was asking about feelings of estrangement, wasn't she? You offered no help or advice, you just related your experience.

Sorry MaizieD

I think that people are quite right in that you should ask for a cuddle in a light hearted way, putting your hands out as if you expect it- I don't see how she can then refuse.
I agree with MaizeD and it all changes when they can walk and talk. They make their own relationship and it isn't to do with quantity or who their mother prefers. I adored my grandfather when I was young and he was very laid back.

I have just joined GN and already can identify with a lot of statements from fellow Grans. My experience is I had a horrible MIL who made our life hell. She didn't like me and therefore didn't like my daughter (her own GC) because she looked like me. Eventually, my husband broke off contact with her and she made no attempt to keep up contact with my two children who as adults made the decision not tohave a relationship with her. I vowed to try and find something positive from this awful experience and that was to welcome and respect my sons choice of partner/wife no matter what. The outcome is a loving relationship with her and my two granddaughters who I see as often as we can manage. She is s wonderful mother to my two GD's and I always let her know this. Her own mother literally lives around the corner and sees the GC every day.

Don't generalise! I am a paternal GM,*janeayressister*. I was the first GM to cuddle all my new GC, each on their very first day. I always got on well with my DiLs who both stayed with me (separately) for a while when they came back from working abroad and my DSs found work away from home. The girls found themselves temporary jobs until they could join the boys and get on with building their careers. We rubbed along very well sharing my house - and even my car sometimes.I love them both dearly and they have been very good to me - shared holidays and Christmases. One set of GPs are in Ireland and the others in the Midlands though DiL's mum sadly died recently. She was a lovely person. There was never any rivalry.

A brave and honest post legs. I only ever knew one grand parent as a child and we were all terrified of her anyway. I suppose that has coloured my own attitude to my step grandchild who I rarely see. As the third grandma I do not expect much involvement. We cannot offer financial support and the one time I did offer help and support in the early days I was rebuffed in such a manner all conversation in the group ceased and step DIL stormed off. I have kept my distance ever since. I have accepted that the other grandparents are heavily involved and that the child is happy and I cannot have the sort of relationship I would like. My only regret is there is a granddad (my SO ) who is missing out which he thinks is a form of punishment for getting married again. ?

My heart goes out to all Paternal GPs. I am so thankful that I have daughters as well as sons.. The problem is that our DIls have Mothers and they feel more comfortable with them.
I get on with my DILs and luckily one of them is very aware of being fair.
However I do think the post should keep calm and bide her time, as I went a bit mad over the first GC. Luckily born to a DD. But I bought too many gifts and I was in danger of spoiling it for my DD who wanted to choose her own. I got told!!!!
I had to go and live with my DD as she was ill and the baby and I grew very close. I remember the other GPs coming and I held the baby who fell asleep in my arms in front of them. Your post makes me reflect on that.
However, they live near my DD. They have 6 grandchildren so the novelty has worn off a bit for them. I do encourage my DDs to be scrupulously fair.
So bide your time Post and keep calm, and hopefully things will work out in the end.

I am going to sound heartless here - I am not fond of small babies & my dread is always that someone will thrust the baby at me just because I'm a Nanny - I love my Grandchild & step-Grandchildren & we have a wonderful relationship now they are older, my DD's son my youngest GS loves me very much, I get lots of kisses & cuddles - babies don't remember who nursed them most. I do agree it is upsetting to be forced out by another Grandparent but I would definatly ask for a cuddle even if it's when you are ready to leave. Don't forget as they get older they will value the time & give them & not the expensive gifts. I hope all works out for you VintageNanna.

"The opposing Granny seemed to always be there. Always holding baby. Always buying things. Seemingly indispensable." Quote from "Zena510". I experienced this 5-6 years ago. It was hurtful but I really held my tongue and kept in the background. The novelty wore off for her and now we are fully involved in our grandson's life - pick-up from school, sleepovers, holidays! It's great - exhausting but we get so much love from him. Looking back I am so thankful I didn't express my true feelings!

I remember my mil barely acknowledged me in the early days of my marriage then suddenly when I gave birth to our son wanted to be best buddies it was all too late for me and I admit I felt I always preferred my own mothers company luckily I've made a point of getting along well with both my dil long before they had children and consequently have always felt equal to the other granny in seeing as much as I want of my GC.

The baby is only 8 weeks old. Definitely step back abit, if you have a good relationship with both of them then remember that.

At 2 months old everything is still up in the air, especially if she's breast feeding and/or still bleeding. We don't know if she had a straight forward labour, c section, or if the baby was ok? Was it traumatic? Was the baby OK after she was born? Has she got PND? I'm guessing they aren't sleeping. Lots of factors to think about as to why they don't want to visit.

Think about the bigger picture. It's all still new. If your DIL has a good relationship with her mom then she shouldn't feel like she can't see her everyday (if she wants to) because it's not fair. However if your DIL is thinking 'I wish mom would leave me alone abit!' Then it's only a matter of time untill she talks to her.

Arrange a day/time with your son for you to visit. Ask for cuddles. It's all so new so give them time.

Ha ha ha tigger! See my previous post!!! [Confused]...

It's amazing really but this type of issue does seem to occur with sons.

I have 2 DILs. With one I have an excellent relationship (she doesn't get on with her mother very well) and the other is difficult. She is very close to her own mother and seems to see me as a threat. The result is we have a really good relationship with 2 of our grandchildren, but don't know the other two as well. Birthdays are difficult as the MIL and FIL also go and the children clearly have a better relationship with them which is hurtful. It's not for want of trying but we now just hang in there (they are 6 and 8)and make it clear we're there for them . Talking to my son helped and he now ensures we agree specific weekends when we have them. I have talked to him about it down the years and he struggles to manage the tension so I avoid putting him under pressure. As a friend said to me, being a grandparent is about an open purse and a shut mouth. So don't despair - hang in there too and it may even out as she gets older. Good luck!

Xena perhaps it's only me that finds the term "opposing granny" rather disconcerting?

Shades of "and in the blue corner, we have the mother of xxxx, and in the red corner, the mother of yyyy. Seconds out, round one!"

I agree with others that you should directly say that you would like to cuddle your grandchild. It may be that by not saying what you really want to do, others may assume that you are happy not to cuddle the baby! I always believe in keeping things simple and I'm sure that there will not be a problem if you say something like, "Is it OK if I have a cuddle now please?"
You indicated that you are sometimes a bit sensitive and timid. It may be that the others don't realise this and that they don't mean to hurt your feelings.

As others have also said, try to stay calm and positive and offer to help when you can. Everyone will then appreciate you for the kind person that you are!

My first reaction is ask why you didn't just ask for a cuddle. I do and the other MIL would have to be very hard-hearted to refuse. The second is to ask how you get on with the other MIL. I'm lucky in that the other MIL and I get on very well, both agreeing that our GS is the most gorgeous little boy ever, which means we understand why the other sometimes just has to have a cuddle, immediately! Having said that, she does get to see a lot more of him than I do, purely due to availability (they are retired) and distance. It's not a problem, apart from that, as I've said above. Makes me realise how lucky we both are that we can talk to each other. I would feel perfectly comfortable saying if I felt she was taking over and I think she would be the same.
May take her aside, if you have that kind of relationship, under the guise of a shopping trip or something similar, and have a chat ...

Oh how I feel for you. I hope the situation resolves itself, if only that you might find that accepting the situation is the way out.
I am in a similar situation except that my DD sees about 100x more of her MiL than of us, turns to the ILs for help etc. When we stay at her house [we live 5 hours aways], we are constantly regaled with stories of how goo the ILs are and how much they help etc. I could have screamed with annoyance at Christmas when it was "our turn" to be with the GDs; and lo and behold, the other GPs were there too on Xmas day itself, in "competition" with us.
I have stopped trying to compete. just send the GDs parcels and letters on a regular basis and keep myself in touch that way. I am under no illusion that DDs family is definitely second in their lives. so be it.
Accept the situation, and life will be a lot less miserable. Hang on in there

My first MIL was hopelessly devoted to my daughter from day 1. Had no time for me. I always felt like the childminder. When her son deserted us she was devastated. I felt I didn't want anything more to do with her, but my second husband persuaded me I wasn't being fair. MIL & grandaughter had great relationship for rest of her life. I'm so grateful now I didn't act too hastily out of anger or jealousy. You never know what's round the corner.

I do feel for you Vintagenanna. There's nothing like grandchildren, much as we all love them, for causing unheaval one way or the other. I guess they are teaching me to mature at last. Stick in there and enjoy what you can of them, but don't let anyone spoil what should be a lovely stage of life for us all, grandchildren or not.

Thank you MaizieD it's an awful feeling and if I think back about my own GPs I saw my Maternal GPs far more than my Paternal GPs but didn't love them anymore or less than the other. I think it's because it's all so new to me. My daughter's baby is only 1 and son's baby just 2 months old so not an experienced nanny yet. I know what you mean about that overwhelming jealous feeling its awful!! I've never been jealous off anything in my life time. I'm sure it does pass in time thank goodness.

The essential point to hold on to is that however much you feel that you're not getting much contact with your new grandchild now it won't make the slightest difference to how she feels about you when she is older. When we were children we saw our maternal GPs at least once a week because they lived in the same town as us. We saw our widowed paternal Gfather about 4 times a year, he lived 20 miles away; we had no car and couldn't afford frequent bus or train journeys. But it made no difference at all to how much we loved him and enjoyed being with him.

I have a great deal of empathy for how you are feeling because I struggled with similar feelings for quite a while after our DGS was born. We are lucky enough to have lots of contact with him but the paternal GPs have even more! But now that he is two and becoming a real little person it's absolutely clear that he hs no preference for one set of GPs over the other.

It does help, of course that all his GPs get on very well with each other; I really like my DD's in laws and I shocked myself with how jealous I was at the time. But it passes.

Thank you Casawan & Granny2016 I agree with you Granny2016 I need to do it once and I will. I think my son will get fed up with his MIL being there all the time as she turns up uninvited and just walks in the house without knocking. I knock always. Casawan it seems us nannies can't do right for wrong.

Oh Vintagenana I wasn't suggesting for a minute that you might! Just saying that having them to you would save her effort if she tries hard to please and finds it too much (I did!) How sad that they don't even visit you, but keep trying and inviting and the day may come! Meanwhile walk on eggshells but do ask for you share of cuddles.

This is very common Vintagenanna and is very selfish of the other gran.Politely but firmly ask to have your time with the baby.
You only need to do it once,and from then on she will be expecting it from you.
I spend time with my grandson once a week,just with my daughter,but always ask her if it is ok to pick him up etc.
I,m afraid some grandmothers even hijack the mother.

You are not over reacting.