Fear I have lost them

I'm sure your grandson doesn't hate you NellyBu, but can imagine how hurtful this situation is for you. There does seem to be a fair amount of tension in the adults relationships, even when it's not discussed, which he may pick up on, and it could affect his mood. Just keep being there and receptive to any advances he makes, it will improve.

NellBu you are not alone in this feeling of being left out. Can I just say that we're all in this game for the long term.

I think for many of us, grandparenting isn't what we thought it would be. Don't we imagine that things will just be a broadening continuum of what our family relationships have always been? And sometimes it works out that way.

But often it's not like that. There's a whole new dynamic going on and we have to learn over again where we fit in. Sometimes that's not an easy transition, and we're not at all sure why. It's usually not anyone's fault, just that the offspring are finding their feet in new circumstances.

As others have advised, don't beat yourself up, and take it nice and slowly...

My grandson is three, and is just warming to me. I don't see him often and each time it's like I'm a stranger. Now he comes to give me a hug and I feel like all the stars in the sky have lit up! I've always believed that you should back off from children. They come to you when they are ready.

Having now read the link, it was quite unanimous wasn't it!

Well done for taking the advice.

I think Luckylegs9 post is a good one.

When I look back and the different situations in the family, I like you worried too much and wanted everything to be right. I now realise, too late, it is best to just take a back seat, keep the lines of communication open, enjoy your life with your husband because nothing is solved by overthinking. Your grandson does not dislike you, just hadn't got to know you that well, but in time he will. I get on well with my dil when I see her, rarely, I phone her now and then, she never ever rings me. Any invitations I offer are refused and she doesn't invite me. I have had to accept it. When we meet she throws her arms round me and we hardly stop talking, she is so affectionate, she says she can talk to me better than her own mom, but I would love more contact especially as I am on my own now, I know however if I pushed it, it would cause conflict, so I settle for what I have, which is little proper contact.
I do hope you can realise that you have done nothing wrong and give it time.

I'm sorry it took me a while to find it, I began to believe I imagined posting at all.

www.gransnet.com/forums/relationships/1216475-Have-no-idea-what-more-we-can-do

Hope this works.

Could we have a link to your last thread please?

I agree with all of phoenix's post.

My opinion is that you may never be best buddies with your dil, but that all is not lost.
Her being polite to you is a good sign too.

It is very good for all of you that your husband has good relationships with them.

Some good advice on this thread.

Put simply 'listen to what your son is saying. It's good advice.'

I think my relationship with my daughter in law is beyond repair. It was unanimous in my last post that I was in the wrong. I started backing off and left the three of them to it and now I feel completely shut out.

I don't really have much else outside family and work. My husband and I try to do nice things together but it's tough since we both still work.

As I said, I'll keep waiting but I just don't see the benefit just yet.

For the first four years of his life DGS showed no interest in me at all.When we arrived at DS's home he would body swerve round me in his haste to greet DH.
He is now 6 and he runs to me and is delighted to see me. We do things together and talk and discuss things. Very young children are like that. Your DGS doesn't hate you. Currently he is not that interested in you. It will change.

NellyBu, if things have gone wrong with your DiL, the situation will take a long time to resolve. I am talking years here. For some reason you have lost her trust, probably unjustifiably, but trust has been lost and it takes a long time to rebuild. Do not expect too much to soon.

The idea that married children look to theirp arents for advice and help when their first child is born is the advice of very old baby books and I doubt if it was ever true. My mother always said she would have managed much better if her mother and sister hadn't been living with her and constantly giving her 'good 'advice. I never asked my DM or MiL for advice and I certainly haven't offered it to DS and DDiL.

Your memories of family are that they were very close and you relied on them a lot. This family of yours are independent, they don't need to rely on you as you did on your family, but that doesn't mean you have lost them, unless you drive them away
They still come to see you.

So long as you are always pleased to see them and make them welcome, they will be happy to see you, but if you are upset and tearful because you are not at the very centre of their lives, and clutch them to you as though they are your lifebelt, they will feel claustophobic and want to be free.

Have you heard the saying "The best way to keep your children is to let them go"? That doesn't mean have nothing to do with them and don't think about them ever again, it means enjoy having their company and make sure they know they arer always welcome in your life, and that you are happy to help with anything that they need help with.

Allow them to tell you what would be helpful. They are busy with work, you have time to sit and wonder why you haven't seen them since XXXXX. Spend that time when you don't see them in doing other things, seeing other people, and save up stories of what you have been doing to tell them when you see them next. Have an interesting life to talk about.

I think that Elegran has sensible advice.
He is just a baby and is not relaxed with you because he picks up your body language that you have expectations around him.
Just take time. One of my sons used to cry every time he saw his uncle, I think he was confused by the family resemblance, but he was fine as he got older.
Another of my sons avoided my sister-in-law because she wanted to cuddle him, something else that resolved as he got older and she stopped trying.

I'm going to be a bit blunt here, and it may seem to some that l'm going off track, if so, I apologise, but here goes.

Your personal worth is NOT related to how useful or not you are to other people, even your children or grandchildren, so stop saying that you have never felt so unwanted or useless, hopefully you have other things in your life that you enjoy? To put all your emotional eggs in one basket is never a good idea.

You seem to have had an idea of how being a grandmother would be, and sadly it doesn't seem to have worked out that way, which is disappointing, but unfortunately that happens.

OK, so something you might like to try. Next time you visit, take a book, something like "Where's Spot?" Or there's a good series called "What's in the jungle/ cave , or What's on the beach, let's find out" (basically, lift the flap type books) sit on the floor, start reading the book aloud and adding some comments and see what happens.

Its not black and white win or lose NellyBu, its just a different sort of relationship which you are not in charge of. Acceptance might make you happier. Family relationships mutate over time. Go with the flow!

My own mother became quite ill when I was still young. I took over looking after her, my father, and brothers. By the time I had my first son she needed full time care and she died when my youngest was small.

I turned to my mother in law and aunt for help raising my sons, in fact our whole family had a huge impact on their childhood. I often had more than one job at a time so I relied heavily on family for childcare.

My daughter in law has given up her job and works from home so she doesn't need childcare. I don't think her and my son go out often, when they do my daughter in law asks her own mother. In fact if my daughter in law needs any guidance she turns to her mother. I get that, I expect that. I suppose it would just be nice to even be considered.

I'll continue to give them space in the hopes that one day I'll get somewhere. I am just losing hope, I really think I have lost them.

I think the suggestion that you back off is still relevant. You say that the child only has a problem with you so you need to examine your attitude to him and the way you speak to the family in general. Babies don't hate anyone but do pick up on atmosphere.

NellyBu, everyone on this thread is saying the same thing. A one year old cannot hate you. I loved my first GD to bits and wanted more than anything to hold and cuddle her but she would scream every time she saw me. I get on really well with my DIL but the situation was tense because she knew her DD would get upset if I went near her and this caused tension. PLEASE listen to what others have said who have had the same problem. Don't push. My GD now loves me to bits. We do all sorts of things together and I get lots of huggs. Yes I did miss out on the baby cuddles and I did worry about it a lot at the time but now we have a great relationship. Like you, I was the only one my GD didn't take to. Who knows why.

Try looking at how your DH behaves with the other members of the family and take your lead from him if, as you say, he gets on better with them. I don't mean to criticise (really I don't) but perhaps your "advice" is not wanted even if given with the best of intentions. Try not giving opinions for a while and just talk generally about mundane things and not push with regard to GC. Have a few toys dotted around the place for the little one to play with and just sit back and watch and wait. I do hope things improve soon but don't give up hope.

To add to Elegrans very sensible post, I have remembered that my second son, when very young, used to cry every single time my mother spoke to him. It upset her of course. I suggested that the problem could be her voice. She had quite a loud voice. When she lowered it to a gentle, soothing sound he was fine. My point is the cause could be anything. Change something about the way you interact with him, as has been suggested. Good luck.

"I thought they would need me for advice and babysitting" but did you need your mother-in-law for advice? Wasn't her advice the last thing you wanted? you had found out for yourself how to look after your babies, you had medical people to advise you, above all you had your own ideas and opinions. You were not a lesser person being instructed.

We all have to accept that when our children are grown-up they want to make their own decisions, not be still treated as infants to do as mummy says, or to dance attendance on mummy (unless she is alone and incapable of looking after herself.) If you have been a bit too bossy or too clingy in the past, then it is not surprising that two of your three sons are keeping their distance now. They have their own lives to lead, and you will find them far keener to talk to you if you have seen other people, done other things, and have your life too.

As for the baby - At that age they are becoming more aware of the difference between their own parents, who they see every day, and people they only see occasionally. If you rush at them cooing and eager to cuddle them, they try to break free. Well, wouldn't you, if someone threw their arms around you and exclaimed how wonderful you were and how they could just eat you? You would scream and struggle. Remember that he is not a cuddly toy, he is a little person.

He has to come to you. Ignore him for the first quarter of an hour that you are with them, but have something bright and jangly in your hands, and fidget with it as you talk to his parents. After a while, "notice" that he is interested in it, and show it to him and talk to him about it - without touching him. He will put out a hand for it, let him play with it, but don't let go of it yourself, that is your connection to him, and you want him to connect playing with this nice new toy with having you there near him. Keep talking to him, about anything at all, so that he also gets used to your voice. Don't rush it, he needs to be woo'd craftily. The cuddles will come when he knows you better.

Taking it slowly is the answer. If you also take your relationship with your sons slowly and don't try to force the lost intimacy, you will eventually regain it. Your stepping back a bit is working, but it takes time. Keep at it, and good wishes.

I remember your last thread.
You know why they have distanced themselves since the wedding. In the kindest way, if you want any sort of relationship with them, you need to listen to your son.
This isn't about what you want, or what you think they need, but what your son needs you to do.

This is just life! Your son has grown up and away. He has other priorities and responsibilities. If you can't accept this and accept that you can't force yourself on a one year old you will continue to feel bad. Its time for you to look outwith the family and develop other interests. That way your family may feel less pressured by your need of their attention and are more likely to appreciate your company. I suspect you'll find my comments hard but they are heartfelt. Put yourself in their shoes. How would you have felt with a MiL like yourself?

If it was me,I would just leave them alone,hard as it would be.Be there if they need you,but let them come to you.The baby will pick up your tension,

I just can't get my head around the fact he is happy and relaxed around every one else but me. I've not witnessed him with my daughter in laws family (apparently they have no interest in having a relationship with us) but it sounds like he is fine with them too.

The other grandmother even gets to look after him and sees him almost every day. It just hurts that he seems to reject me and only me. I can't help that feel that he will never bond with me if I'm forced to keep taking a back seat.

My son and I used to be close but he started to distance himself after the wedding and this has just got worse since my grandson was born. He will talk to me but it's not the same. His relationship with his father hasn't changed. My husband seems to get along with both of them fine.

I have two other sons, out of my three boys it seems only one of them is still willing to sit and talk to me. My eldest and now my youngest talk at me, not with me.

I just expected having a grandchild would be different, I never thought it would happen so I had really high hopes. I thought it would bring me closer to my son and daughter in law. I thought I would be needed for advice and baby sitting. I thought I would see more of them. Instead I've never felt so useless and unwanted.

Nelly, my heart goes out to you! But I agree with PPs (previous posters) that you should continue to back off and wait for GS to come to you. Even if it doesn't happen right away - you can't just try something with little kids once or twice, and then give up if it doesn't work. Or expect it to work in the first few minutes of seeing each other. Give it time - loads of time.

Could it be that GS is picking up his mom's feelings about you? Yes, IMO, it could. Or maybe the tensions between you. But even so, in time, he'll develops his own view of you. So if you're pleasant and don't seem to be too anxious for his attention, no doubt, he'll warm up to you, eventually, even if it's not till he's much older as PPs have mentioned.

As for backing off from DS (dear son) and DIL - IMO, you're doing the right thing. I know it's frustrating that you haven't seen results as yet. But that may take a long time. And even if you never (sigh) have much of a relationship with her, at least, you won't run the risk of making things worse.

As long as you get any information you need from her through DH, I think you're ok. It's not as if you've been pushed away entirely. Again, I get that it may be somewhat frustrating, but I'm afraid you need to accept it for now.

You say DS also seems to be "more receptive to" DH. Does that mean there's also a problem between you and DS? If so, perhaps you need to work on that. My guess is that you have more of a chance to improve that relationship than the one with DIL. And doing so may be the key to this whole situation (or part of it, anyway).

I agree with previous posters - give it time and don't force the issue. Try to stay calm and relaxed on visits and help when asked. My own DGDs (twins) didn't really relate to anyone other than their parents until they were well over 2.

Now they're happy, outgoing and absolutely lovely children who are comfortable with everyone in the family. Don't risk alienation.