Was I 'over the top'

Our daughter lives in the US and we have a fixed time every Sunday afternoon for a long chat on Skype with her, my son-in-law and the dog! Sometimes we involve our cats! We all enjoy the chat and a catch-up on what has been going on during the we week and sometimes we can rabbit on for an hour! If we think of anything we need to get in touch about during the week, we just e-mail. My son-in-law lost his real Mum fairly recently, so I have taken over as his substitute Mum!

My step-daughter and her family live in Denmark and one or other of us e-mails from time to time and they get back to us or they e-mail us just to let us know how they are getting on. My son-in-law's Mum sends us regular photos of the children.

We are so happy to be involved in their lives even though they are both abroad.

Reading these, I realise my DS is not as bad a communicator as I thought. He lives in Germany now with partner and daughter, and I do miss them. However we Skype every fortnight and certainly once a month and email, and visit a couple of times a year. I know that on the whole I am lucky. DD is a wonder of communication mostly and we hear from her once a week.

I moved to live a long way from my family in the 80s and we always rang parents once a week usually on Sunday for a chat, and visited during school hols, but I know my parents missed us a lot. In fact, they made me feel very guilty, and my Dad still turns the thumbscrews occasionally, saying that now the children are grown we can move back. He can't really accept that my DH in particular does not want to. It makes me feel very torn. Perhaps this is how some of the children mentioned feel, but they react badly to the guilt they feel. I know that my DS has said quite explicitly that he doesn't want the sort of relationship that I have with my Dad, which he labels passive aggressive. Oh the wonders of kitchen sink psychology! All I would say, just a gut feeling, is never turn away your child's attempts to make amends or to get back in touch however irritated or upset you feel. It's not worth breaching your relationship with your children. I'm sure as they get older, they will come to a more mature appreciation of what these relationships really are, and how to value them properly. Especially when their own children do the same to them ?

I sometimes spend hours wondering when is the best time to phone my two 50 year old sons. I hate it if I ring and they say 'can I call you back', wrong moment again! So I try and avoid phoning them. But I got a hint lately that it's always them that feel they have to ring me because I never ring them, I just can't win ..... :-(

I've fallen in love with Whatsapp. If nothing else, I can see when the little whatsits were online - and therefore presumably alive - last; and I can leave a text message and see when it's read. Doesn't mean I'll get a reply, of course - but I know it's been seen, at least!

My three are in three different time zones, so I find emails the most convenient way of keeping in touch. They (and I) can pick them up in our own time. Then I'll suggest a Skype, which is also difficult with timing. We usually manage. We also have Facebook pictures which help us to see that they are OK, and how the grandchildren are progressing. I suppose if you bring them up to be independent you can't complain when they are!

D1 rings on the way home from work most days and D2 rings if she needs something or something doing. I find out what's going on in her life via Twitter or FB. They're both busy so if I want to get in touch quickly I message my older GD (D1) because I know she's attached to her phone and message my youngest grandchild via her Mum's (D2) phone because the message gets read and my GD will text back. Once I'd showed her how to use the speaker to input I get lots of news that way and lots of emoticons as well.

Text and mobiles are out as no signal here. I speak to both at the weekends, and Skype so that I can see the DGCs. Email two or three times a week with DD, sometimes with DDiL, Facebook a bit with both. DS got very cross recently because I had an urgent question and telephoned him at work - something I have done about twice in the last ten years! Didn't know I wasn't meant to, and am always careful about using work numbers. hey ho. In general they both seem very happy to get my calls at weekends.

Gosh Spindrift that is awful and so sad. I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels like this. My eldest son lives 2.5 hours away and at 44 with a very stressful job often travelling abroad I know it's not easy to talk so very rarely ring him. However he (and my DIL and eldest gd) do keep in contact either by text or on FB chat - he messaged me 2 nights ago and we had a brief conversation that way and see them every couple of months or so. He sometimes rings from the car as he's driving which I'm not too keen on him doing. My youngest son however left home at 16 and moved to London when he was 19. Like many others he didn't really keep in contact that often but we did e-mail or text and saw him and then his girlfriend/wife several times a year. 3 years ago they emigrated to her native NZ and since then contact has been very spasmodic to say the least. They have had 2 children since they left and to begin with we got lots of photos of the elder one and the odd funny video but as time has gone on we rarely hear from them. 5 weeks ago I had cause to e-mail my DIL about something only for her to reply that they were moving house the next day. No other information. We have Skyped once since and had a video tour of the house but I still don't know their address and have never known their landline number to ring them if there was an emergency. He has spoken to his brother only once in the last year and rarely replies to texts. I know he has an incredibly busy life with his work and 2 small babies and the time difference is an issue but it does hurt especially as we were very close when he was young. I have wondered if it's his way of coping with homesickness which I do know he feels

I don't think you were over the top either. You son has responsibilities towards you and responding to a call in the fairly near future isn't too much to ask even if it's not done immediately given his time pressures etc..You may have had something pressing or worrying you which you needed to discuss with him alone (health worries for example).
Grown up children seem to suffer from selective amnesia and forget that we too had busy schedules when they were growing up but there's hell to pay if you so much as hint at that fact so I too have learned to walk on eggs and never to so much as suggest how hard it was bringing my daughter on my own or saying how hard it is living alone in a totally new area with a recent house move 10 months ago handled totally alone without any help offered or given from them now living 30 minutes away and the move was to be closer to them. I am still surrounding by boxes in some rooms, have had to move chest of drawers and wardrobes on my own from one room to another a few weeks after the move in the new house. My daughter is so involved with her children and engrossed in her own life that I never got asked how the move even went, or if I needed any help (at the time or now). They've visited me with my granddaughters twice in 10 months for lunch in my new house. No visit for mother's day, only a card.

I think we forget how things were ......my mum had no phone . I wrote once a week , but only saw her every few months , with grandson in tow later on .
Both of us considered this quite normal ... I think the instancy (?) of modern devices has made our mum / grandma expectations too high . I am laid-back about it all on the whole ...and can follow a lot of happenings via my d-in-law's facebook page .( Does this help ? )

We mostly communicate with our 2 DSs by text - and it's usually very light hearted. Anything important is phoned. We talk to them every week or so and then it's usually quite a long chat at the weekend and if elder DS has the DGC we'll talk to them as well. Apart from that and knowing that everything is OK, I must admit I'm not that bothered. I have plenty to do to keep me occupied and I'm content to know that we've raised sons who are caring, look after their families well and show their appreciation to us in many small ways. But I also know that I am no longer the centre of their lives and that's fine by me.

Ds and I had a good hour's chat last night.
To hear the opinions of others, and the circumstances of other relationships, is very enlightening.
My heart goes out to others who have no contact at all and I hope that these situations improve.

Younger daughter telephones most weeks, Sunday night, just when we've sat down to watch Mr Selfridge! If I phone her she doesn't answer/reply.

Elder daughter makes contact at half term and term end when we're needed but is always available on the phone if I need her.

Son can go weeks, months sometime, without contact. Then he'll Skype for 2 hours. He lives abroad.

I joined Facebook solely for the purpose of seeing what my children are doing and to make sure they're still alive. Now I don't worry if I don't hear from them as I see some of their life with friends happening.

I speak to my eldest daughter several times a day, she has a chalet home in my garden, I have 3 other children, the next one to her is a boy he gets in touch if he needs something, I ask him to do a couple of jobs for me (I am a widow) he says yes when I have time, but never seems to have time, next is a daughter who has Bi-Polar, she cut herself away from all family & friends about 14 years ago, I never see or hear from her, the next another son I don't even know where he lives with his family (wife & my 2 granddaughters, have never seen the youngest granddaughter) he stopped getting in touch when his dad died 4 years ago & I told him sorry no more money to lend him (after over £10,000), has made no attempt to pay me back in money or kind. We always think other peoples families are perfect but believe me I have found different from several people.

Always an interesting topic and yes sometimes whatever you do you just can't win. Eventually I decided I would do what made me happy ( maybe selfishly some wd think ) therefore phone/facetime ( 1 is in Ireland and 1 far away ) once a week, if no reply I just leave a message, so far no complaints of any kind, so maybe it works :-)

What a minefield. Tend to text or email sons as they rarely pick up their phones. If I need to speak to them I text asking them to ring. I agree no news is good news. Daughters are different, both know that we are there for each other and text several times a day. But I have a need to get responses quickly and they know that.

Interesting to see other points of view. I have no children but I feel very hurt on behalf of my OH who rarely hears from his and is being excluded over Easter as they have more interesting things to do. Perhaps I too am being OTT. Thank you for all for putting things into perspective.

Half the problem seems to be that 'instant communication' makes us expect instant replies and continual contact. 'How long does it take to text/email' we ask - but perhaps the question ought to be 'is there really anything to say? How can we be getting on with life if we are constantly reporting back and forth? And is it reasonable to be so involved in our adult children's lives or still be so intensely and intimately connected to our parents? Most of the complaints on GN are about adult children not keeping in touch as much as we would like. We feel shut out. Is it there fault or have we been led to believe that life ought to be that way?

My own parents rarely kept in touch with their parents or siblings. No one had telephones and my lot didn't write letters and we lived in another town so the opportunities were few. I don't recall anyone falling out or complaining that 's/he doesn't keep in touch'. But nowadays my mother expects to live in my pocket and wants to know my every move, expects her grandchildren to be in constant contact and gets moody if a day goes by and no one contacts her. Why did this expectation change? I suspect it's a by-product of the modern digital/internet world just as the trend to be 'busy' has turned our children into a generation who can't relax. I'm not sure it's an improvement frankly.

My youngest is 40 and spends his time bumming around the world - sorry, traveling, and he came home to stay for a 'few weeks' 19 months ago! Obviously we speak every day. My eldest son is 44 and we chat on fb most days and it's him who usually contacts me and I have a stepdaughter who I'm very close to and she rings me most days.

My daughters - and one is a Granny herself! - are very busy and i appreciate what a nuisance a call is at the wrong moment. i find best thing is e mail.We send news and lots of pictures at each one's convenience and also to assure her i am ok. she is very busy and I live alone at 91 so I don't want her to worry and she is v good at ringing me when she can. One has to accept one is low in the pecking order now. Own children take priority and their busy lives and often coping with in laws as well. The greatest thing to remember as one gets old is acceptance of one's status and move gracefully into another slot .
they will rise to the occasion if there is an emergency. Be busy and live our own lives as much as possible.

??? sorry to hear it USAGARARY maybe things will settle down if you just leave it for a while, but very hurtful for you.

Falconbird - I totally agree!! I'm going through a horrendous time at the moment - daughter lives in USA - and I have been brought to book in the strongest terms about being 'needy' as I have been trying to be in contact in order to keep in touch with my three grandchildren and my daughter ... all of whom I love with all my heart. Contact has now been 'suspended indefinitely'. And ... Unfortunately my son will absolutely not answer the phone when I ring to say hello to my grandson (they have call-minder!!) as I had the 'audacity' (!!) recently to ask after his father's health (we divorced in 1980!). He said it was nothing to do with me..... So - at the moment no contact with any of my family. Heartbreaking to say the least ...

I think one or two need to loosen the apron strings a little. DC know I love them but I do not keep ringing them, less is more, I find they Skype or contact me on FB.

We tend to use Skype constantly, for individual and group conversations, so that replies can wait for a convenient time.
It also gives you more time to think, and I can look back for reminders....What day did they say they were coming?

I have just joined Gransnet and haven't commented anywhere. This grabbed my interest though because I seem to be spending such a lot of mental energy thinking how best to deal with just this.
My DS (never thought I'd start using these abbreviations! ) is 22 and away in college. I have lost track of how many times I have been cross and hurt because he doesn't reply to texts or answer calls, often until a day or more later. I have always felt, and told him, that a quick "busy mum will call later/whenever. All good" is all I need. But at the back of my mind I think I have believed is an indicator of something lacking in our relationship. So wonderfully reassuring to see so many mums and sons especially have similar communication difficulties. So glad I've joined!