House-Sharing with the Ex, is it possible?

Thank you Luckylegs9. I keep asking myself if I could cope with the situation and I'm pretty sure that I will be able to. As you say if it does become untenable then we will have to sell the house. I keep looking around to see what I would be able to afford & it is not much. I'm too young for most of the retirement properties, so it would probably have to be a studio apartment. l'm getting more & more inclined to go back and give it ago. Not going to rush into making a decision yet, going to wait until the New Year.

A good friend of mine has done just that for most of her marriage. Neither will consider moving to a smaller property as they love the area and size of the house. She is out most of the time now and says that sometimes she just want to put her feet up and watch tv or read a book,as they are barely civil to each other. I could not cope with the atmosphere and she visits me now instead of me visiting her, but she has no intention of changing the arrangement. Retirement added to their problems because she did not get the house to herself all day as she did. I guess you have to ask yourself truthfully how you could cope and if untenable maybe bite the bullet, sell the propery and look for something you can afford, even if it means moving to a cheaper area. I wish you good luck with whatever decision you make.

Do you get on as friends?

Would there be a problem if either of you started dating?

Will you go back into old routines?

What about cooking and cleaning?

Are you still married? If so, will it affect any benefits you might be claiming?

Lots of questions spring to mind. However if you are now good friends, can cope with dating others etc then why not? You've both put into the house so you should both get the benefits.

Make sure your wills cover what will happen to the house should one of you die before the other. You don't want to find yourself homeless.

soontobe yes I think he would. Ana my thoughts exactly. I know it won't be easy, but on paper it makes sense. Atleast this way I will be able to save so if it doesn't work out & we end up selling the house in a few years, I will have more money to put towards another property. I feel that the worse that can happen is that I end up moving out & having to rent again. Atleast I know what I am going back to.

I know someone who did this for many years and it worked out quite well.

I should give it a try.

A friend of mine allowed her ex to move back in following his house sale and pending his new house purchase and it underlined the reasons for the original split resulting in serious stress.

It seems like a case of try it and see how it works out.

Your present situation seems unsustainable, Jennywren, so if Ex won't agree to sell (and you wouldn't be much better off anyway) it's worth a go, at least until your son leaves home. Then you can reassess the situation.

Good luck!

If you both set down ground rules, would he stick to them?

It all sounds a bit grim to me, but only you can decide on the basis of how you relate to one another. Personally I like to feel I can relax and veg out in my own home, and the presence of an ex might be an inhibition to that.

I do know a couple who did this for a while, but it did not work.

The reason I left in the first place was because over the years we had drifted apart and led very separate lives. I felt that I was living a lie, by having to pretend that behind closed doors it was a 'happy marriage'. Even though I don't think my children were fooled. I know how that if I went back I would not have to pretend. My ex would definitely not be expecting a reconciliation, any relationship we had ended many years ago. The house is not large but we could have our own separate living areas. Would just have to share kitchen & bathroom.

A friend of mine has done that for at least 10 years. He refuses to sell up, and they would't get enough to buy a place each if they did sell. They are both retired.

They are divorced, he is really bad with money. He pays her his share. They don't talk much! He doesn't do much in way of upkeep of ouse even thoug he was a builder. Their adult son also lives there and contributes too.

She mainly uses the lounge. They have had issues in past re food - he is meant to get his own, but was always helping himself to hers and never replacing or telling her. Neither of them are "dating".

It is not a great situation but seems to work for them. I think ground rules need to be made and adhered to.

I haven't discussed it yet with my ex but he is definitely not resentful and I'm sure he would be prepared to compromise. I could afford to pay half-share of the bills, it would be a lot less than I am paying now. The mortgage alone is less than my rent. I know that if I gave him the option of either selling the house or me moving back in, he would definitely choose the second option. He has always said that he does not want to move.

I can't help wondering why you left the house in the first place? I can't imagine going back and sharing without there being fall-out somewhere. Would he agree and if so, would he be hopeful it would end in reconciliation? If not, how would you feel if he brought someone home? Or if you wanted to? Is the house big enough to provide separate space? I know it sounds a practical solution but I think the pair of you would have to be truly unusual to make it work.

Have you brought the subject up with your Ex? Would you be able to pay a half-share of the mortgage/household bills etc?

I think it could work, but only if you're on reasonable to good terms and can agree basic ground rules about privacy, communal areas etc. It could be a bad move if Ex is resentful or unwilling to compromise.

I honestly think that it would not make any difference to my son. He is 24 so will probably be moving out in the next couple of years any way.

It sounds a very fraught option - would it be helpful to your son?

He is still living there with our son & paying the mortgage. I can't see that it would be worth renting the property out, there would still be the mortgage to pay plus my rent & his rent. The only options I can see is we sell the house, but as I've said before it would not be enough to buy another property or we just decide to house share. Atleast that way we can both benefit from the money that we have invested in it over the last 25 years. A lot of people do appear to be house-sharing nowadays, albeit not necessarily with their ex's.

Great minds Jane.

I can't comment on the advisability of sharing a house with your ex, but if he is living there by himself, is he paying you any rent for your share?

Have you thought of him vacating the house, then renting it out and sharing the income?