Financial Independence should I get divorced to gain my financial Independence

Thanks for the link! I've just joined it so looking forward to some good advice and communications.

Thanks Luckygirl I guess it is a case of hanging in there until something changes. I have been here i.e. that bad place before but I was single then and managed to move on in fact that's how I met the DH and had a career change which was all going so well until well who knows what happened.Life is strange.

Could you persuade him to go to Relate with you?

And I don't think you should be feeling bad about being financially dependent on him; if he lost his job and you got one that was well-paid I am sure you would be happy to be the breadwinner.
Can you sit down together and work out a budget?

Glad to hear that you feel a bit better today.

Just one thought - if your OH has "issues" he wants to discuss with you there is something to be said for listening to these as it will open up communication and the possibility of greater closeness in solving the problems that you share. I wish you lots of good luck with your challenges. Just remember that many have been there before you and have found new ways forward, so hang on in there.

Hi Everyone Sorry if I panicked you all talking about suicide. I do not feel suicidal today it's just every now and again but I am dealing with it.

Thanks for the advice about the samaritans I will ring them when I feel really low again. I forgot about them I was feeling so bad yesterday afternoon.

I did try to talk to the DH last night but we only got so far with the conversation. I am not sure he really want to listen as it got on to him talking about his issues.

I don't have children and in either case no-one can plan for a three year gap in income. Most women even those with children would be working at least part time.

I guess I have f* up and need to get back on track but I cannot see the light at the moment. Meno does not help but I am 5 years into that so I am used to that side of things have all my meds sorted etc.

I have never earnt a lot of money nowhere near what could have been and I really do not want to cut my cloth accordingly that is just sad thinking. I am only 50 not 70 and in either case it's just the principle.

Thanks all of you. I hope you don't mind but I would like to finish this post for now.

Thanks again and yes I will ring the samaritans next time promise.

(There is a difference. All due respect to Lucy of course)

It was Lara. Not Lucy.

It's in the last line of the OP, vampirequeen.

Oh for Heaven's sake! It was the last sentence of the OP.

I haven't a clue what Lara's post was meant to say. I found it totally confusing TBH.

Commonsense says this is a problem for trained people, apart from kind support on here.

Where was suicidal mentioned? I've read the thread again and I can't find it.

So are you suggesting that Lucygransnet's post of yesterday afternoon was a polite way of saying back off?
There are quite a few ex-SAMs on GN and they will know that there is a huge difference between looking for a practical solution ( I hate my present circumstances, do I get a divorce?) or "I am at the end of my tether and can't go on". In either case there is a plea for help and I think there have been some positive posts based on the assumption that the former scenario is the case.

I think that once "suicidal" has been mentioned in a post, then we should not go onto the ins and outs of the situation. Offer support yes, but we are not trained counsellors or doctors.

"Suicidal" is a big word.

I am struggling with being financially supported by my husband for the last 2 years.. . . . . Although I love my husband I cannot stand being supported by him. I do not know what to do

I had to read this over a few times to get my head round it. Surely we have all at one time been financially dependent on our partners/husbands, having babies, when the children were small etc?
I always felt that I was in no way living off handouts as my contribution to the household, cooking, housework, laundry, childcare, soothing the fevered brow after he came in steaming after a particularly bad commute (!) was priceless and while just a bit of me felt bad at buying his birthday and Christmas presents from our joint account I knew that it was ours.
I wonder if OP's DH is making her feel that way? If the boot were on the other foot would we not all support our partners?
Or is it just that OP is struggling financially with the status quo?

Divorce is not a practical solution, can anybody say they were financially better off, especially if living off benefits? Houses need to be sold, assets divided, maintenance is not necessarily an option. There have to be deeper reasons for such a major life changing decision.

Sometimes a problem is not exactly what it seems, not to say there is not a problem but financial independence seems the least of it.

I suggest that the husband is suffering from feelings of inadequacy as a result of not being able to keep OP in the style to which she aspires. But divorce is not likely to be the answer for either until the matter has been throughly thrashed out. Mediation will doubtless be recommended or possibly required before divorce can be considered.There is no mention of family in the OP, so I assume there are no children or grandchildren.

It sounds like you have had a substantial drop in income over the last few years. This is quite likely to have not only affected your mental health but also that of your husband. You sound depressed. I would suggest you go back to the doctors and discuss your mental health.

You say you are fit enough to work but if you are seriously depressed then the chances are you're not. I don't know how long it is since you worked but if you are unable to work due to mental health issues you may be able to claim ESA.

tippex50 I hope you have been able to talk things through with your DH.
I think your statement that he has completely lost interest in you, in all ways, is at the root of your problem and is causing you to feel very bad and to look around for reasons to leave.
If your relationship really has broken down as much as that, it could be better for you to be on your own, even if it is a struggle financially.
I agree with those who have suggested speaking with a Samaritan, to try to sort out how you feel and how you want to go forward. Couples' counselling could also be useful, if it is available.
It could be an idea, also, to get some info from Citizens' Advice Bureau on the practicalities of how you could manage if you decide to leave.
((hugs)) to you.

That was my point in my final sentence , Luckygirl, totally agree.

Samaritans don't give advice in fact - they are a listening ear.

I often wonder about different types of depression, e.g.the sort that comes out of nowhere and for which there is no apparent reason, and the sort which has an underlying cause which can be changed., e.g a demanding elderly parent or nasty neighbours etc. In the case of the latter, I don't see what the doctor can do except offer help with sleeping etc whereas with the former we are talking about medication which can make a real difference.
So while a doctor may be able to help with menopausal symptoms, if the problem is in the relationship, then changing the circumstances will be the only way forward.
I am not necessarily suggesting that this issue is as black and white, but doctors cannot work miracles and Samaritans while they are trained to listen sympathetically and help their caller to come up with their own way through a problem, are not in a position to give advice as to what to do

I think you should speak to your doctor. The menopause could be playing a part in your thinking.

I think you should go to the doc and ask for help for your depression. When that is treated, then that is the time to start thinking about how you would like to sort things out with your OH - you cannot do it at the moment. Please go and get the help you need, whether it is a GP appointment or a call to the Samaritans, who really are very helpful indeed.

I feel a little " tough love" is ok in some situations and no one is being out of line. The op wants all sides of her situation looked at. We all have her best interest in mind.

If you divorce you may not be able to get a well-paid enough job to support yourself in the style that you seemed to have enjoyed before you became ill.
You may not become financially independent - you would possibly be reliant on benefits and therefore dependent on others.

I think you need some help as suggested by other posters as your thinking seems to be rather confused at the moment.

Good luck

Please, please please contact the Samaritans and don't just speak over the phone but make an appointment to talk to someone in person. They will see the whole person: we are just hearing your voice. I do think you have deep-seated issues that need to be resolved. And they can be. Don't ever give up hope. You can get through this.