To Babysit or Not?!

I wouldn't look after my GC while their parents worked. I would babysit so they could go out and visit, but no, I've done my time (nearly, 18 year old still at home) and so now I'm just about finding my feet for my own life.

I also had a new baby sister when I was 15 years old, so I looked after her until I married, then had my own daughter two years later and the grump nearly ten years after her so in total I've been childminding now for over 35 years and I'm cooked.

Grandmama123 Please think about yourself a bit more, you've worked hard at getting yourself back out there and making new friends, doing some excercise and starting to lead your own life. You deserve to have some time off now for good behaviour in bringing up your own children. Visit sure, babysit but please think twice before giving yourself another committment you neither want nor feel you could manage. More things will open up for you other than this walking if you continue to make friends and to be tied down again to childcare would make it harder for you to now do as you please. Badly planned if she has to do a full 12 months nursing before being able to go part time and have a little one to find care for. She should have either done the training first or put it off until baby was old enough for day care. It is not your responsibility.

Your dd is not asking you to "babysit", she is expecting you to take on a more than full time job at 50 hours a week.

If anyone else "expected" you to go to work 50 hours a week at your age you would think it outrageous!

Your dd seems to have created this scenario in her mind, fully expecting that you would fall into line. It seems to be a communication failure on her part. She now has a dilemma which is not yours to fix, it's hers.

Think long and hard. You are already saying you don't want to do it, don't even offer 2 days a week unless you really want to.

I am not yet a gran but have made it clear to my children that I will be fun gran and not a childcare option.

I am 61 and quite fit but I would struggle to look after a child 50 hours a week. I have looked after my 2 GC for the past 6 years (3 days a week) and when they were small it was very hard work but now, of course, as they get older and go to nursery and school, it is much easier. There is a reason we women are unable to have children in our 60s ....... we don't have the energy! I think a compromise is required.

I am 61 and quite fit but I would struggle to look after a child 50 hours a week. I have looked after my 2 GC for the past 6 years (3 days a week) and when they were small it was very hard work but now, of course, as they get older and go to nursery and school, it is much easier. There is a reason we women are unable to have children in our 60s ....... we don't have the energy! I think a compromise is required.

I looked after my two grandkids for 7 weeks while my daughter went back to work full time to pay back maternity leave (she's a teacher). I had to decamp to her house as it was quite a way from my home. I thought it would be OK. After all, I'd had 4 kids of my own. What I forgot was that that was a long time ago. Despite being willing, it took its toll. I found it quite stressful and lost a lot of weight, although I didn't feel as though I was stressed at the time. I would say to you, be very careful before you commit to full time babysitting. A couple of times a weeks might be OK, but your daughter shouldn't forget that she's probably half your age with twice as much energy.

I have a great deal of sympathy with your post ginny. Not only do parents send their children to nurseries to allow them to go to work, but also because they have bought into the idea that their child will be disadvantaged if they do not have the "nursery experience." I do not agree with that. It creates the impression that parents cannot provide stimulation for their children - which is nonsense. I can see that a child from a disadvantaged home where parents' skills are decreased by other problems (drink, drugs, illness etc.) might benefit from a nursery where some of the problems might be redressed, but for children from normal run-of-the-mill homes (like mine!) I do not think that applies.

There is this strange rush to get children to do new things and acquire skills, when all they really need is loving interested people around them who answer their questions and provide opportunities for them to explore and respond to what the child wants to know or find out. Why all the rush? Let them go gently through their childhood and explore and learn at their own speed.

The prime example of this is that OfSted insist on various standards being met at primary school, but when these children go to secondary school they just repeat half the stuff! I am sure that these young primary school children could have found something more productive to be doing, wider skills to be developing and learning self-awareness and social skills.

Glad to hear others find it tiring looking after GC. Hubby and I thought we were very unfit as we are shattered after a weekend of looking after two young boys. Love it though and can't wait till they come again. Good idea to suggest 2 days a week.

I'm now sure you will be able to show your daughter this thread to back up your stance

Off topic a little but I wonder why it is thought that children who do not go to nursery are not as sociable or confident ?

I doubt most of my generation / age (61) did so. We went straight from home to primary school. However most of us are fairly sociable and reasonably confident .

Maybe it's more to do with the fact that we did not have so much arranged for us so had to just get on with it.

I agree with what the other posters have said regarding the amount of time you have been asked to give for childcare. My DH and I have looked after our younger GS for the last four years for two days a week - it used to be three!, and he is off to 'big school' in September. We will still be required for school runs and occasional days out in the holidays but we have had a great time with him and his brother and it is a very precious relationship. Speak to your daughter and SIL and try to come to an agreement that will suit all parties. There could be a mixture of nursery, child minding and your input as well. If you take on too much you will become resentful and it could spoil everything. Good luck and let us know what happens.

I've got a slightly different slant here as I am a step-granny, albeit that I have known all 4 grandchildren since they were born. DH and I look after 2 grandchildren (now school-age) for 1 day a week, travelling approx 20 miles each way to do so. Their other granny lives just 10 minutes' walk away and she does the rest of the week and most of the school holidays. She is besotted with the children and doesn't seem to mind having given up her own life - however, we have only been married for 6 years having met in our 60s, and have lots of things to do, friends to see, places to go.

We have felt under pressure on occasion to step up to the plate (for instance, other granny is away next week so we are doing 3 days 7am - 6pm) but husband is keen not to upset his son & DIL, both of whom have very high-powered jobs. I love the children and we have a great time with them, but we aren't getting any younger and it's hard work! They never went to nursery and in hindsight I think this was a mistake as they are not very sociable or confident. I would agree with the others on here who advocate a part nursery/part grandma scenario as best for all concerned.

My DIL works full time my DS works from home. So the main childcare is provided by him, they have a 6 yr old at full time school and a nearly 4 yr old at morning playgroup. My son has travelled abroad extensively in the past three years and is away for two to three weeks at a time. During this time either I go up or the other Granny goes up, to care for the girls. Up to last October I also worked part time. I do admit it is very tiring , doing the school runs, feeding , house work etc. But I wouldn't want the girls to have a stranger step in to help. I do say sometimes I wish I had had such help

We absolutely love our GCs with all our heart- and we will always be there for them, and to support our DDs- always. But what you are talking about is NOT babysitting or emergency care- it is doing what you did all those years ago and starting all over again. YOU raised your children- and now it is your time to SUPPORT but not to RAISE. To be honest, I am so surprised that so many adults expect their parents to raise their children- it is NOT the rôle of grandparents- truly- and mine would never expect us to do so. After working so hard all our lives, we want that freedom, to up and go and go for a trip or whatever. A phone call in an emergency in the middle of the night, and we will drop everything and be there- have GCs for holidays and all sorts. But raise them, day by day every day- NO- this is not YOUR job- unless you truly want to. Out of order to expect it.

I'm in my late 60s and have been looking after GC2 part-time since January, spread over four days a week. GC now a very lively 18 months. My DD was let down at the last minute by her child-minder and couldn't find a suitable replacement at such short notice. Hence I agreed to take on the childcare, on a trial basis, so that DD could go back to work after maternity leave. I also have a few hours' flexible part-time work and other family commitments.

It's tiring but it's given me plenty of exercise (am now able to get down and up from the floor more easily!), enabled me to make new friends at toddler groups, including other grans, and brought me into the realities of childcare in 2015.

Unless they have a rich husband, most women today have to work in order to provide their share of the family budget. GC is going to nursery for a couple of mornings when two years old. We have a great relationship and I feel privileged. DD gives me a little money for helping out, some of which I am putting away to help with nursery fees.

When my own children left home, I was able to re-decorate my home without having to think about sticky fingers, sharp edges, etc. Now my home is child-proof again (I hope!) and full of toys. I put the ornaments out of reach in the morning and restore them to their usual place when GC has gone home. I have most of the afternoon and evening to myself.

It's great to have the closeness with GC. Children are in full time education within no time. That's when I'll make the most of "me" time. Until then, I'll enjoy the times I have with GC and be thankful that I have my health and can keep up with a toddler! My advice would be to only do what you feel you are capable of, within your limitations. Good luck!

I live 2 hours away from my DD & SiL. She went back to work 4 days a week when the twin GC were 11 months old. They were able to go to nursery a couple of days a week & my SiL, who is self employed did one day. This left the day she worked at home. Someone was needed to cover to allow her to work. I offered to do sickness, holidays & provide them with weekends on their own. Thankfully my ex husband offered to do the one day cover as he was nearer to them. They are now 5 & we love having them to stay. We are at the start of a 6 day ' holiday with granny' & I will love every moment of it but, at 68, I will be exhausted at the end of it.

My DD & SiL are always very grateful for what we do & there were no expectations that we would have a regular childcare commitment. I would feel bereft if I didn't have them to stay regularly but I am sure that if I had been expected to undertake childcare for 5 days a week I would have become very resentful & relationships would be strained. I have friends in that position & they do a lot of moaning but are not honest with their DD or DiL. I always wonder what will happen if granny gets run over by a bus or becomes ill themselves.

A large number of us had jobs & balanced those with bringing up our families. My experience was similar to most of my friends - our parents didn't offer, nor was it expected that they would provide regular childcare. In fact my parents never looked after my two!

Although I am not familiar with the Ontario health system I am aware that certainly large hospitals in the U.S. & France, where my niece works, provide nursery & cheche facilities for staff.

I'm afraid I think that your DD & SiL are way out of order with their expectations of you. They need a clear message from you about what you wil commit to, & ensure that you factor in regular holidays for yourself. It is their responsibility to sort out childcare & respect your right to say no!

My daughter and her husband had both children late and could not have done so financially without the assistance of my husband and I. Eldest Is now at school and we now have youngest 3 days. We started at 63 and we are now 68 and although it is hard work I would not have missed it for the world. My daughter calls me mummy 2 because I am more like their mum than nanna. The bond we have with our GC I never had with my GPs so is very precious. Do it for 2/3 days and let your D find nursery for others, baby will benefit from socialising with other children. Hope you sort things out.

It's very, very odd Luckygirl is this happening on other threads?

Lol

Wow!! What a group, many many well wishes to you all.
This is a relatively small town, my D moved here 2 1/2 yrs ago, most people she knows are also young mothers no doubt not wanting to care for her baby come January. There are some home daycare facilities however, they do make is nervous.... Who's really looking after the kids? Watching their every move?
My husband has a full time job, it would only be me looking after baby girl.
What gets me is!!.... The 6:30am-4:30 pm DAILY! LOL! X 5 days for how many years? I really thought I would have a job by now (one yr in new town). Nope. Working in the entertainment industry and some financial to totally industrial is probably the issue along with AGE!
I live in a mining city/town. A lot of miners and medical workers here.
My husband went from a commercial photographer in Toronto to a heavy duty truck driver loading and unloading material to the mines! Yeah for him, keeps him macho ;)
I have babysat on the spur, taken the boys for over nights, I'm always around for my daughter. I don't think she thought it thru really. When I dIs to her, oh, a 10 hr day??.... She looked at me like uh uh... I think it hit her too. I'd love to take the baby half days or as suggested 2 days a week. Walking has improved who I am. My daughter knows that.
Maybe I can move? Just kidding.
I'll be back, thanks heaps!
Love u guys!

Although most points have been raised and raised well, I would emphasise two.....

1. Apart from lacking the strength, energy and stamina, the biggest strain we found was the extra stress of being responsible for someone else's child.

2. Different child care styles can be a minefield between grandparents and parents. They were in our situation and led to almost insupportable strain.

These are the two lessons we came away with having moved in with our daughter for 3 years to help with her child who was 6 months old at the time.

Hello,
I am slightly younger than you and still trying to work part time but have been through something similar.
Obviously we will all want to support the choices we make and in my case I did say "no". I felt that my own post-parenting life was just beginning and although I am really happy to help out, I don't want the full time strain and exhaustion of small people full time once more.
So I would say, be sure that the choice is really YOURS. Don't be swayed by emotional blackmail - if you really don't want to do it, you will have to grit your teeth and say 'I love them but it's not something I want to do just now'.
If you're torn, or not sure, offer a day a week. You can always increase this later if you want - but it's hard to cut down days once it becomes the norm.

Don't do it if you will resent it. Part time sounds a better option. My husband willingly took on full time care of a baby, followed by another baby. I'm afraid I opted to stay on at work rather than do the whole childcare bit again. Now we do the school run. The school run stops you going out for the day, taking holidays in term time etc. We fixed up that the children go to after or before school club sometimes on Mon and Fri so at least we can have long weekend away, but it's still 7.20am till 6pm 3-5 days a week. I love them dearly but it's not how I envisaged retirement.

Yes, 'grand-dogs' are an other issue, I've mine staying over this weekend. In general they are less trouble as you can shut them in the kitchen and go out for a couple of hours.

I'm reliably informed you can't (legally) do this with the grandkids.

This is a hard one. I volunteered to look after my first grandson when DIL went back to work then discovered I was expected to collect him at 7.15 and return him for 5pm. My son said that it would only be three days and he would arrange a childminder for the other two days. I wasn't happy as DGS was only 8 months old but thankfully he enjoyed the presence of other children at the childminder and I stopped worrying and just became very thankful for the two days off, and the weekend of course. I tried insisting that DIL collect him on her way home from work but was then told he would have to go 5 days to the childminder so I caved in. It was a hard long day (I was 68 then) but the relationship I have with that DGS is wonderful and I was bereft when he started school. I couldn't do the same for no.2 GS because I broke my leg just as DIL was due to go back to work but am now part time looking after no.3 who actually lives in my house with his mum and again it is an amazing and joyful thing to do.
I was part of a group of five who swam every morning at 6.30 so I do understand how hard it is to give up an activity which is both fun and good for us. I can only say based on my experience that full time child care is too much but part time is great fun and very fulfilling.

The state doesn't want to help parents stay at home - the state invariably supports the needs of business - not the family.

The agenda is always to get both parents working and if either parent chooses to stay at home to look after their children they are treated as oddities.

I believe it is right that women's jobs be treated as just as important as men's and that women have the same opportunities to follow a career rather than feel obliged to take jobs that fit in with the family situation. However, if the state wants both parents to work, the state should provide good quality, affordable child care and provide incentives for employers to introduce flexible and part time working. Big, profitable companies should be playing a part in child care provision too.

What is happening now is that grandparents are in effect subsidising businesses who need parents to work but who play no part in providing the child care which is necessary in order for those parents to continue working.

I think it's ridiculous to say that people who can't afford children shouldn't have them. Who decides the point at which a couple are able/unable to afford children? For the increasing number of people in rented accommodation who have no security of tenure and no safeguards as to how much their rent may rise, could they ever truly be said to be in a financially stable situation in which they could "afford" to have children?