DIL is a challenge

…she supposedly was a child carer as a job some years ago but seems to have little knowledge of babies.

Supposedly suggests that you doubt the veracity of this claim. Is that just a feeling or do you have a reason to believe that it is a lie?

Either way, caring for children doesn't necessarily involve experience with babies whose needs are, of course, very different. First time mothers often feel very insecure and full of self-doubt as well as pretty tired in the first few months, especially if breastfeeding.

Absentdaughter's three-week-old baby quite often requires feeding again not long after the previous feed and I certainly remember growth spurts when I seemed to spend the entire day with a baby clamped to one or other breast.

I was just so amazed by what she had said that I found it hard to credit. She must have been a first time mum herself in her time and know the score.

I do not think Mishap was being 'unfair'....its a fair comment given the evidence. i.e. a negative rant followed by silence. The more I read the O.P. the more I find myself feeling so very sorry for this new Mum.

I meant it was unfair to jeanie99 to suggest the OP was a wind-up as she is an established poster, not someone we've never seen on here before.

To cut Jeanie some slack, she's been very honest about how she feels about her DIL!

Maybe the DiL is a handful and a difficult person, who knows, but she is the son's choice so you'll just have to get on with it.

It was gloating to say that the baby settled down for you without any problem - that sounded critical and a spiteful thing to say.

I couldn't pacify DGS the first time I held him! In fact I think he yelled most of the time we were there, bless him!
All the photos I took that morning are the same!

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Yes - the OP has been very honest - and that is good as it gives her the opportunity to examine those feelings and ask herself whether they are helpful in this situation. Doing so might avoid a clash and estrangement from a GC. Let us hope so.

I am sorry if my observation seemed unfair - I was just very surprised at this approach.

Mishap, my post wasn't directed at you personally, you weren't the only one expressing doubt about the genuine nature of the OP, and normally I'd be as cynical as the next GNetter.

It's just that I did recognise the user name, and a quick search reveals plenty of posts since around 2013.

I expressed doubt too as I had read similar posts and wondered if it was a genuine poster.

I would just say that the OP does not seem to have much insight into her own feelings about the situation and perhaps needs to examine why she feels so antagonistic towards her DIL.
However, sometimes it is difficult to analyse one's own feelings without a feeling of self-righteousness.

There is an article here which may contain some helpful tips:
www.grandmasbriefs.com/home/dos-and-donts-for-getting-along-with-your-daughter-in-law.html

Thank you everyone for all you comments even though mostly they are negative.

I can assure you I am certainly not the mil from hell quite the opposite.

I am a support to all my family and have tried many times to work round her personality without success.

I had written the letter with hopes of getting ideas on coping with a very critical women and thought others my have been in a similar situation.

For some reason I have been having a technical problem getting this message completed, it keeps going back to the home page.

jeannie I have in been a very similar situation and I wish I could offer some advice, sadly I have none to give but I do want to offer some support.

I have read on this thread some critical remarks and understand why you've felt the need to say that you "are not the m.i.l. from hell quite the opposite"; neither am I. I am confident that my other d.i.l. would agree with me and that she and my other son would also agree that like you "I am a support to all my family".

I still remember the look of resentment when I picked our grand child up at just a few weeks old and he stopped crying. If it had been his mother, father or grandfather who'd picked him up at that particular moment, the result would have been the same.

I still remember how shocked there's no other word for it, we both felt when he was happily laying on his play mat and his mother scooped him up and took him upstairs. When she came back down and handed him to my DH it was done so begrudgingly that the poor man gave him to me and then all he wanted to do was leave.

We can all I'm sure remember how we felt bringing our first born home and remember how invaluable the support of friends and family, including parents' in law, can be.

I hope this is a glitch and things will settle down so that your grandchild will be able to benefit from healthy, loving relationships from the entire family. It goes without saying that not all d's.i.l. are difficult to get along with and neither are all m's.i.l. To take a perfectly contented baby out of the room when grandparents are visiting and then not return is rude and unreasonable, and being a new mum isn't an excuse for either.

Congratulations on the birth of your grandchild

Having read through all the posts I realise how lucky I am with my DiL, they ( DS & DiL) asked me to stay and help after both children were born, rather than her own mother and I thoroughly enjoyed the time with them.

May I suggest to Jeanie99 that her DiL may also be suffering from post natal depression as well as the insecurity of having a new baby. Her irrational behaviour could well mean that she feels inadequate and helpless in front of you. Perhaps her health visitor could help?

Four of the paragraphs of the post at 19:21:15 yesterday begin with the word "I". Seeing things from an insecure young mum's point of view rather than from a confident gran's might make a difference.

Step back, grow a hard shell and eventually, before long, you will be appreciated for the caring gran/ MIL I'm sure you are.

It worked for me! x

My only hope is that my dil will allow my husband and I to be part of our beautiful grandsons life.

We have known our dil for a number of years and thought having their first baby would prioritize her values and we still live in hope of this.

I can't tell you how much I have tried over the years to get along with her but sometimes I feel I am walking on eggs and never seem to do or say the right thing.
I am an out going social individual but find I sometimes stay quiet for fear of saying the wrong thing that will upset her.

My friend says I am a saint for putting up with her behaviour but that doesn't help me in situation.

I think one of the best thing any Grandma can have on her CV is....'ability to keep quiet in the face of much provocation'...I know I have to bite my words back and that's with my own darling (but rather forthright) daughter - I see it as a very small part of being a 'hands on' Grandma. One only has to look in on one of the very sad threads from out of contact Grandparents to realise what is really important.

Thank you so much for your positive comments I very much appreciate it.

As an individual I am a positive person and always believe things can improve but it's not easy knowing what to do always for the best.
To be honest at times I can get very depressed and low and in bed at night find things going round in my mind looking for solutions and not being able to sleep.
My husband says to stop worrying, he manages to cope better than me.

Being a part of the lives of our GC is a privilege and a joy, but sometimes it only happens if we make it so. Key to it is doing and saying supportive things to the parents.

It sounds as though you have had a difficult relationship with this lass for a long time, and now she is in the first time mother exhausted and anxious mode to compound things.

The only thing I can say is not to criticize and to try and not to even think criticisms, as they will fester in your mind and make things worse.

You really do have to put yourself in her shoes - and your son's. He will probably be as tired and anxious as his wife is. Of course you want to be a hands-on gran, but the route to that is to forget your needs and focus on theirs - I mean theirs as a couple, rather than your son's and this troublesome encumbrance of a wife!

Mishap has a clarity of thought I lack. Its certainly all about seeing them as a family, not as individuals.

I speak from experience. My first MIL was very quick to support her son when he waivered in our marriage (had doubts about being a father). He was encouraged by his Mother to take time out and reconsider his options. I, of course was not impressed by this and the marriage ended. Hand on heart, he bitterly regretted his action and his Mother lost contact with her only Granddaughter.

I have always put myself on the back boiler for all my family, they come before myself.

I am a mother of three grown up children my eldest is 50 I have much experience of life, have love for all the family and am very supportive of everyone who needs me.

My dil is estranged from her own mother so I have supported her by phone (we live over three hours away)trying to make suggestions for the many issues she had. I knew not having a mum to support and care for her during this time was important so I've been there for her.

Believe me I have done all I possibly could.

Since we came back we have been told it's not convenient calling in to theirs on our way home from Heathrow because she doesn't know when the little one will be sleeping. We can only assume she means our talking will wake him.
We had booked our flights from Heathrow so we could do this, but we have let it go and are moving passed this.

We have said nothing to our son we do not criticise her.

I shall continue to keep trying because I always try to look on the bright side, do my best to make friends with this complex individual, whether it works who knows.

The one thing in our favour is that we have a loving relationship with our son and we cannot imagine him not wanting us to see our grandson.

Oh Jeanie, I wish you could hear yourself. You have such unswerving confidence in your abilities and judgements. Its not a feeling I recognise at all. I doubt my abilities as a mother and Grandmother regularly despite what my DDs say.

I have no intention of critique you whole last message - but I will just at a word of caution to your last statement.

You say that your loving relationship with your son will ensure your continued role as a Grandparent. I just wish you could put yourself in their shoes for a moment. Can you just not understand that if taken to is obvious conclusion you would be asking your son to choose between you and his wife. Once again you are not viewing them as a family. You are just looking at it from your point of view. Please step back from this, do not keep making such negative assumptions and let this little family just 'be' without you asking for your needs always to be met.

I wish you well but seriously worry that you are really far to egocentric for this ever to end happily for you.

I too doubt my abilities as a grandmother and am very close to my DS and DDIL.
I am lead totally by what they want, they live 100 miles away but I'm including not 'dropping in' when I fly from a nearby airport unless it's really ok for them.

We do FaceTime regularly and meet up about 4 times a year, usually at their place as they don't have a car. Again this is when it's convenient for them and I wouldn't dream of feeling put out if they cancelled a visit.

Yes, I'd love to see them all more regularly but I'm happy that they are doing such a great job of bringing up DGS.

It's not easy being a grandmother!

Yes loopy, it is about putting them first. I've just been dashing between phone calls this afternoon. One daughter was visiting and the other (with GC) thought she could come on her last day so I'd have a lovely houseful. Ist daughter has just phoned to say she's had a really interesting invite and will not be around for whole visit. So another phone call to second daughter to pass this on...'but do still come' (I'm secretly praying). On one level am cross with first daughter but she's deeply apologetic and she will at least be here for a visit albeit a bit shorter.
They both lead such busy lives...shift work, other halves and children...am lucky they WANT to visit...I'd loathe reluctant 'duty' calls so I just say its all fine and I take what I'm given. The result is happy visits that they enjoy making and I get hugs and cuddles from DDs and GC....so hey I'm happy.