Widowhood.

Marmight If has been spoken to about his Grandad, might someone have said to him about his Grandad still looking out for him and his family?

All of us will be bereaved at some point and we will all deal with it differently. It has happened and there is no turning back the clock. It's the small things which suddenly get to you. I can be rolling along for days, fairly happily then something - usually a photograph, a piece of music or even something in his handwriting - will trigger a memory or something happens - usually a 'house' problem like the internet is down, a fuse has tripped, the ceiling is leaking - so I go into woe-is-me mode and screech and swear a bit and feel I am hard done by because he is not there to sort things out. I don't think it becomes any easier, but it does become less raw, although some memories are more poignant than others. I don't want to forget his voice and can 'hear' him on the phone 'hello, it's meee' which is sort of comforting.
On Christmas Eve DD came to me in floods of tears; she had been in our downstairs bathroom with the 2 year old. It has a fan which crashes and bangs in the wind and at the same time a door banged at the front of the house. He looked up at her and said in a very matter of fact way 'it's Grandad!' (who he never met but who is talked about a lot) 'he's come to be next to Gally and take care of her'. He is a very articulate 2 year old, but this seriously disturbed us....

My heart goes out to you all and to me as well. It will be 3 years for me as a widow this July - and Bikergran it does get better honestly. There are some days when I feel OK and optimistic but it's a slow process. People used to say to me in the early days "be good to yourself" I used to find it irritating but looking back it's true.

Have you tried Cruse. They helped me a lot. Started out in a group which didn't work for me and then had 6 weeks one to one with a Counsellor. She gave me space to cry, and I read out poetry I'd written and sobbed and sobbed, but it was a very safe place. I think Cruse have a long waiting list, but you could ring and see how it is in your area.

I've also joined a Bereavement Group run by the church. It's a real comfort as we all know more or less how we feel and we can be open and honest and not have to keep a brave face.

I was crying on Christmas Eve in the supermarket (just quietly) and when I was in the queue a woman spoke to me and asked if I was all right. It was someone from the Bereavement Group and she just put her arm around me and said "I know."

I met my DH when I was just 18 and we were together for 44 years. It's been tough working out who I am without him - but I'm getting there.

My worst fear is being really ill and not having him around.

thankyou all, just feeling sorry for myself, and have to remember lots of people in the same situe, my mood changes by the hour, take care all bfn its bedtime

Yes ((((great big hug)))))) brave lady

biker (((hugs))) and

first Christmas here without DH and still very raw as just coming up to 6 months..I've dreaded Christmas day coming and yes it was as bad as I imagined it would be, even though I went with younger daughter to elder daughters with grandson and new grandson, yes we put smiles on our faces and nip in the loo when we feel it coming over us, I wish I could have hibernated for many months and wake up with the pain gone.
I'm afraid I have been a miserable so n so and not even put anything Christmassy up Gs won't notice as I will just tell him Ive taken them down now and younger one is only 7 week so he won't notice, and yes like 1,000s of others we appear "ok" but as soon as the quietness looms and the door is locked, the emptiness sets in yet again, I really didn't think it would be this hard, I accept invites, I go to the shops and all seems well to others, but things can never be the same ever again, and to hear others say they are in the their 5th 6th 10thn year, doesn't give much hope...but who knows, lets see what 2015 has to offer us all

Thank you, crafting

is what I meant.

Elegran [flowers.]

Mishap It is a hard road to tread, but if you must follow it, you can.

I knew that I would lose him, as you know that you will lose your DH, unless he loses you first. That is what made it possible to bear - the knowledge that it would somehow be even worse if he were to lose me. I don't think he would have survived it.

Do you know what I mean? If you were single, you would put your own survival first. Then when you first love somone, and you are both young and fit, you would give your own life if it would save theirs. But when your other half is ill and dependent on your strength, the thought that you could leave them without your support is worse than that you should be left without them. Full circle.

durhamjen and sunseeker thank you for your replies. Please do not think for one minute that I was suggesting any GN were always miserable or depressed. I suffer from depression on occasions (always have) but do my best to be cheerful with my family and keep my worries to myself. I am scared of ending up like my aunt (also a lifetime depressive) who never seemed to enjoy a second of life after her DH died (and didn't, if truth be told seem to enjoy it much when he was alive either). I just genuinely wondered if you have times when you can feel happiness and joy and peace too as well as the times of loneliness when you miss your loved ones.

These posts are heart-rending. I send you strength and love and all good wishes.

My OH has PD and will I know deteriorate - I do not care what I have to do to care for him, as long as I do not lose him.

There are good times and bad times, and you get better at enjoying the good ones. Seeing the family of course is a very good time, though there is a dip when they leave. I keep busy then for distraction.

There are some pieces of music that always bring him back into my mind. At first they reminded me of his last few weeks, and made me very sad, but I kept playing them. Gradually it was the good memories that came back and the sad ones receded a bit. I feel that he is near when I can hear them.

I think you have to go through the shadows to appreciate the sunlight. The sun does shine still.

There are times of sorrow and times of joy - I always keep the times of sorrow to myself, to the outside world I am coping well and am cheerful and upbeat. Its when I come home after being busy all day, close the door and the sense of emptyness and the silence is deafening. DH was an extrovert, always cracking jokes and very noisy most of the time.

I do not think any of us have said we feel miserable all the time.
It's just that there are many times when you feel alone and wish there was someone special to talk to. In fact I do that quite often.
I was his carer for a long time before he died. When I was seriously ill last year, I really wished he had been there to look after me. Then I was told by a surgeon who did not have to operate on me that I must have a guardian angel. How to be made to feel happy and sad at the same time.
There are probably many of us who would be much more miserable for more of the time if it wasn't for our children and grandchildren.

I have been with my DH sine 16 and love him to bits. I had an aunt who was never the life and soul of the party but after her husband died drained the life out of every family get together with her misery and depression. I vow not to be like her and hope to be able to cope somehow when my time comes but am worried by how many people are suffering so much after years on their own. I understand you all feel so alone especially at family times like Christmas and birthdays and miss your OH but is there any hope? Do you feel pleasure with your GC and have brighter days and happy memories or is there just never any joy in life? Not trying to bring anyone down just a serious question from one who is scared of the future? For all of you on your own

for all you widows and any widowers who might be here. My heart goes out to you all.

DH has been a rock this Christmas, first when Mum was admitted to hospital and since, while I field phone calls. He's also there at the end of the day to listen to me moaning about the hospital, brothers, Mum etc. I can't imagine life without him. It really fills me with dread.

My heart goes out to those of you who no longer have your DH/Partner with you. Love

My DH has had 3 heart attacks this year. Suddenly the life we knew has gone but we know we are lucky still to be together.

I don't even want to think of the alternative.

for you all. I worry so about my auntie who live 200+ miles away and this is her first Christmas without him in over 51 years. She has chilldren& grandchildren but the thought of her sitting alone after they have left makes me want to weep. it's a scary thought, loosing the person you have spent most of your adult life with. Too painful for me to even imagine. I will try to be extra nice to my own husband.

Falconbird - Thank you for your good wishes. I'm sorry your husband left it too late. Fortunately mine went at the first sign of a problem so we are hoping for the best. Needless to say it is still frightening. Some of these posts are so sad

Grandson coming round soon as his sister is going to the pantomime at Consett, so I'll have to stop my eyes leaking, rascal, before he arrives.

We have a seat at Beamish for my husband.
We went there on the Monday and put tinsel round it, then came home quite quickly as it was 50 mile an hour gales. We'll go there next week to see if it's still on. We tied the tinsel on this time; we've never felt we had to before.

Oh yes I understand totally. It's seven Christmases now for me and it doesn't seem to get any easier. I thought I was adjusting a bit but I think its just the total shock and disbelief that's wearing off a bit. My eyes still seem to leak sometimes. I know there are lots of others that are having to try to cope just like me.
I'm sorry for you all, the only thing I can say is I'm looking forward to the Springtime with longer daylight, warmer days and listening to the birds singing. My love to you all.

I am sorry for all the bereaved and lonely on here. when DH gets on my wick as he does quite often I try to imagine life without him and I am grateful that he is still here. All I can say is here is a hug from me and if you need a friend I'm here.