unkind friend

J52 that sounds like something my ex would have done if we had a row as he knew if would cause me embarrassment. I guess you can just be supportive of the wife who probably felt terrible.

If friendships fall by the wayside , it can be sad sometimes but it not the end of the world , IMO

Friends should be kind with each other and they should understand each other well.

Thanks for your comments. I don't want to high jack the post. But if there are any developments I'll post myself. X

I would agree too but embarrassing nevertheless! We used to play scrabble with a couple who were having problems and the words that were put on the board were very 'telling' to say the least!

I agree with Eloethan - this is probably about their marriage.

Hi Eloethan, thanks for your suggestion and support, this could be the case. It was only a couple of weeks ago and despite a thank you card to them, we have heard no more. The wife's distress was well controlled, but obvious. However, she gave no explanation and we did not want to cause her distress. I am more upset for her, my long standing friend. I suppose time will tell. x

J52 I wondered whether your friends had had an argument - or are in a bad place at the moment - and the reason the husband made himself scarce was nothing to do with you.

Aw thank you grandma60 x

Sorry to hear you've been so hurt, Chris. It seems that people are fickle! After reading the posts it is supportive to know you are not alone, or that you are not in the wrong. Something similar has just happened to us. We were invited to stay the weekend with long term friends,( 40 years). As you can imagine lots of past shared experiences. The husband took himself away for the whole week end and did not appear at all! Leaving a very embarrassed wife, who had prepared food etc! I don't want to go into any more detail, other than we politely carried on as normal and left with good grace. We have had no contact or explanation and now don't know where the friendship is at!
Sorry if I've hijacked your post, but even long term friends can be cruel. Chin up, the only answer is to move on. X

biker
OP many of us have experience of being rejected or betrayed by friends over the years. My worst example was my closest friend in school was sleeping with my first boyfriend. I have also reached a point with a friend where I just felt enough was enough and stopped contact.
Your "friend" is behaving like a 9 year old. This kind of bullying seems common in girls. She is probably repeating a pattern established when she was that age. Bullies feel bad about themselves and try to make themselves feel better by making someone else feel bad. A temporary fix. But it only works if they can see the other person looking upset etc
Otherwise no payoff for them.
Your situation is more complicated by the fact that this is all being played out at work. So you need to find a new normal.
I would maintain a professional and serene exterior if possible. Be very friendly to everyone else at work maybe?
But is she criticising your personality in work? Making your work difficult in any way?
How is this playing out in the office? - it is difficult to tell whether you are in a big office or a small one etc

chriss999
you don't need her now!!!
you have found "Gransnet" and!!! we have "real" meet ups!!
we are real people lol.(I think) we drink lots of eat
lots of

Hope everything works out for you Chris999. My best friend caused me a lot of pain a few years ago after leaning on me while she was going through a bad time. I havnt posted the details as it is a long and complicated story. In the end I did exactly what you say you are going to do. It worked , in the end she phoned , took me to lunch and apologised. We are friends again now although we don,t see each other as often as we used to, but we have a more even relationship.

Those who say they do not need friends as, they have sisters are very lucky. I was an only child so my close friends are like family to me.
Good luck with everything

Hi all and thanks again for all your responses. Lots of food for thought. I've never had a 'best friend' since school (we lost touch) and I moved around a lot after getting married. Therefore, the feeling of having a 'bestie' was a novel one for me. Looking back, this person moved on from her then good friend to me. I'm happily married with children and grandchildren, a situation that I know she is envious of. Her new friend also lacks what I have, and this is a bond for them. I'm going to take a step back, let her do the running, texting and social arrangements and see how things progress. I'm going to come over as less needy and more self sufficient. The element of trust and closeness has gone. I believe that she actually needs me more than she realises as I've been there for her in bad times, but I've learned a bit of a lesson here. Thanks!

I haven't got a wide circle of friends but I do have a few close friends who I value and trust and, like janeainsworth, my life would be poorer without them in it. I don't always see them frequently, but we know that each other is there - each is a 'still, small voice of calm', non-judgmental, comforting, supportive or a listening ear. I used to think my ex-friend was, too, but....well, I was wrong, and sometimes friendships can turn mutually toxic. Perhaps this has happened for you, chris999.

I have some very good women friends whom I trust and whose friendship I really value.
My life would be poorer without them.
But I think you have to choose the right ones in the first place and not expect too much from a friendship.

Today, one of my longest standing friends and I decided that we are going to stop seeing someone else we have been friends with for over 30 years.

In all that time, she has never 'made any of the running' in our relationship and since the first friend was diagnosed with cancer, has rung her three times. She never offers lifts if we go anywhere, suggests anything, rings for a chat or interacts at all. She seems to come along for the ride. We have been thinking this for a while and have found our friendship is much closer without her in it. When we talked about it we couldn't remember whose friend she was originally and, when we worked it out, she was friend of someone who moved away 25 years ago. It is quite a weight off my shoulders!

I'm sorry to hijack this thread but I feel so much better for saying it all.

So Chris my advice would be to leave her out of your life, move on and don't take 30 years about it!

I'm glad I'm not the only one after all!

Oh I am pleased to read the last 2 posts as I have never felt the need for a best friend. I think I am too lazy and would not keep in contact as much as I should. I would not make a good best friend although saying that if any of my friends called for help I would be there. So that mitigates my attitude a bit hopefully

goldengirl - I am the same. I've never been one for friends. I have one or two ex colleagues who I meet up with occasionally and who are lovely and a friend who lives in another town who I have known for many years but don't see much of but I have no desire for a best friend. I sometimes think it's because I am close to my two sisters. They are my best friends. The people I meet up with occasionally would try to help if I was in trouble as I would them, but when the chips were down they will look after their own, as would I.

If she's being unpleasant she's not really a friend is she? I agree with other posts that suggest you move on. She's not worth the effort.

Perhaps I'm a bit of an oddball but I don't like to get too close with anybody. I enjoy friendship; I have friends for different occasions rather than a best friend. I used to have a best friend at school, but once I went to college and my circle grew I didn't feel the need for a particular friend any more. I still see a lot of my 'old' friends and we continue to get on well and carry on where we left off but have no desire for a 'best' friend.

I've heard it said ....

'There are friends for a reason, friends for a season and friends for life'.

I'd let her go. The friendship has run its course and it's time to move on.

I agree with the above. She may be miserable inside. I worked with someone once who was hateful to me for no reason. We weren't youngsters, both in our 50s. She excluded me from conversations, turning her back when I tried to join in, then told the bosses that I was 'uncommunicative'. She tried to belittle me at every opportunity. She bragged about her family, wonderful husband and home life. I subsequently found out that her children were giving her a lot of trouble and I heard her say to someone once that she couldn't stand the sight of her husband! Fortunately she put her foot in it with one of the bosses and decided to take a career break and never came back. Chris if you can try to just get on with your own life and ignore her. Not easy I know when you have to work together.

Hello chris, well some people do seem to enjoy letting others know just hoe great their lives are . They seem to have to make sure that everyone knows just how good things are for them especially if you say this person may be a little envious of your personal circumstances, I think you will find that she feels that she has one better in this area than the new lady! This new lady probably has a not very good home life so your friend feels that she has one up, as it were , and this gives her confidence!...strange how people work...it's often about oneupmanship it seems. I agree, either let it go and just try to let all the silliness wash off like water off a ducks back, or have a quiet coffee and ask your friend if you have done something wrong? Turn the tables on her and " act all innocent" ......good luck

I remember with shame when I was around 12/13, I gradually got more friendly with a girl who eventually became my "best friend", replacing my previous "best friend". For some reason I can't quite fathom, my new "best friend" and I started taking the mickey out of the old one. Not the sort of really vile bullying that you hear about nowadays, but spiteful nevertheless.

My old BF behaved with great dignity and completely ignored our nasty, childish comments. We quite soon stopped making them, presumably because they weren't having the desired effect of needling her.

Bearing this in mind, I think I would completely ignore any nasty remarks they make and not seek out her or her friend's company. My - admittedly rather feeble - excuse is that I was relatively young at the time and have not behaved like that since. There really is no excuse for an adult to be so unkind and neither of them is worth your friendship.