SIL the fridge monster.

Ooh Glass I feel for you. If you're doing all the cooking and shopping, he may technically own the fridge, but it's your kitchen!!

I would be inclined to ask him how he would like the things arranged in the fridge, but stipulate that the cooked and raw meat must be stored separately, and then stick slavishly to his arrangement, to the point where he sees how silly he is being.

I agree with others it could be a symptom of something going on, and you'll need to read carefully.

Having said that, it may be their house, but it's your home, and you shouldn't have to feel uncomfortable in it.

Slight side track, I hope the baby is well and how is your knitting coming on?

Well yes, it does seem superficial- but it seems a symbol of a bit of power struggle, for whatever reason- so if it cause an issue, it needs to be dealt with, somehow, without locking horns either. And it can be the hardest thing to do if it is not to antagonise relationships for the future. It can be hugely difficult for DD to become 'pig in the middle' either.

Communal living sounds great- but is perhaps the most difficult thing to do, unless there is a clear hierarchy (for instance we had lodgers, but I was the boss.... ultimately).

I've always been laid back so maybe I'm out of step here but I cannot see how a few items in a fridge can be the cause of so much tension. How can ignoring it allow things to fester? If this is such a big deal then it's not a good idea to all move into a house where a shift in the balance of power is anticipated.

Fabulous that it worked so well Grannyactivist, but it is unusual. Perhpas knowing it was for a limited period, even if a whole year- made it easier.

Just wondering about Glassortwo's situation- and how it was decided to all live together and renovate a farm to eventually share (Communal living- or you own flat each???)- looking back, did SIL need convincing, or was he totally for it from the start. In the case of one of my good friends- they fell in love with a house, and could only afford if mum sold and moved in with them- but it was not a happy choice as they overlooked issues as sil was 'blinded' with the prospect of the house.

Locking horns sounds easy- but it could be a disaster in the long run- but ignoring the issues will allow them to fester. So I truly feel for you, and sincerely hope you find a happy solution.

glassortwo that is horrible! And the "it's my fridge" is a bit of a gauntlet thrown down, I think.

What about - the next time you "lock horns" so to speak, you there and then tell him how it makes you feel? "It makes me feel awful/in the way/unsure" sometimes completely defuses the situation and he can respond as a human being.

SiL should realise that if he has a MiL who does the shopping, cooking, and all the childcare then he can't suddenly start claiming territorial rights over the fridge.

I'm assuming a little chat with DH, SiL and DD is on the cards?

Out of interest glass I think you're renovating a farmhouse so presumably lots of space ..... will it be communal living?

I'd ignore the fridge issues then, glass. They obviously depend on you a great deal which puts your SIL on the back foot. He's doing it to wind you up so let him get on with it because he'll soon lose interest if you take no notice.

No one will die if things in the fridge get moved around. Just keep an eye on raw chicken.

They could merlot but I do all the childcare, and when DD goes back to work will be full time with the baby and not just having the other 2 children from 7am until school then collecting and seeing to them till bedtime as DD sometimes comes home after 8pm and they are in bed. She couldnt afford the childcare costs and I will be 40 mins drive away, and I have no intention of getting up at 5 in the morning to get down here for 7am and not getting home until after 9pm.
It was also their decision to have us all live together until the house was finished so its not something that has been forced on him.

How on earth did people manage to live together before fridges, cross contamination and use by dates?

I know you have to keep the peace though. It can't be easy.

Oh! Bugger that. That would make me so cross. I would say something like, "well, if you want your children to get ill from cross contamination or old use by dates, you just keep it up". I would n't let him get away with saying stuff that. You do so much to help them glass!

I actually feel a bit sorry for glass's SIL. If moving things around in a fridge is such a big deal in his own house what are things going to be like for him when he's living in his in-law's house?

Can they not remain in their own home?

Granjura perhaps we are the exception to the rule, but I have, in the past, lived for a year with my parents in law and it was one of the best years of my life. I moved into their house with my husband, three children and our au pair and it was a real wrench to leave. We have talked about living together again, and although it isn't so practical now it's still something we're considering.

Hope the problem will quickly be resolved, glass

Good luck

aka I have tried to involve DD, SIL and DH in meal choices and I just get shrugged shoulders and told they have no idea, so have to plan what I think they will like.

I think he may feel his position is threatened in the household and he see's me as the person who DD and the children turn to first and this probably jars with him.

I have tried to explain about the fridge and the reasons why some foods are in a certain position, but I think it fell on deaf ears.

There have been little comments from him grannya I think your right I should deal with them then and there but I try to keep the peace and that possibly isnt the way forward.

DH has offered to have a word with him marelli and he feels SIL is being very childish with the comments he has made lately, as SIL and DD are more than willing to let me get up with the children, see to house and the cooking for them all, that he cant now go down the road he appears to be taking.

Maybe it is the new baby and him feeling that it should just be the 5 of them together in these early days with an addition to the family, but as we all expect to move into the house together it doesn't bode well, does it!

river at the moment we are living in DD and SIL house until our house is complete, then we are all due to move in together, maybe that takes away some of his control as it will be our house he will be living in.

Well we are away from next Sunday until Wednesday so it will give them time together.

Thank you all, now I have to decide where to go from here.

It sounds like a classic case of nose pushed out of joint for whatever the reason. And the reason is not the fridge.

Territorial issue as many said. Now I just do not know how to say this- but I have never ever heard of sharing a house with a son or daughter with their OH and family to work out well. I've have many friends who have done that, sold both houses to be able to buy a much larger one- and it has always turned out to be a disaster int he long run. Sincerely hope it will all wrok out for you and you'll be the exception to that rule. Despite our house being very large, if one of our DDs decided to come and live here- we would vacate and take a smaller house or flat nearby- and never share for more than a few weeks.

Maybe the new baby is having a delayed impact glass?

glass as I understand things, you all live together rather than you are living with them .... in which case it's not 'his' fridge.

I agree that it sounds like some underlying resentment or unhappiness ... is he often rude?

Also - your DD is breastfeeding, isn't she? Does he not realise that messing raw and cooked foods about could cause problems for her?

It sounds like male testosterone dominance seeking behaviour. It's MY HOUSE not yours.

What does your DH think of the situation, glass? Can he have a bit of a word with him and tell him to do a bit of growing up?

glass, as one who shares her home with many others I always try to address issues as they arise. It can be tricky and most people don't like 'confrontation', but it's usually means that things are nipped in the bud. There is obviously something niggling away at your son in law and it's better to face it openly than wait for an explosion. I would start by explaining the reasoning behind your fridge 'system' and then asking him what he meant by his earlier remark.
Whatever you decide -