Difficult son

What a shame, but glad you are still trying! Just remember that it is his problem, not yours. I hope one day things will be sorted.

Mothers Day needless to say nothing from my son or daughter in law even though I always purchase cards for my husbands family and just two weeks ago sent a birthday present to my daughter in law. I think its time I realised I am bashing my head against a brick wall.

felice our situations are so similar - I suspect like me you would like a "clearing of the air" talk with your son but know it will never happen. I am trying not to think about what I may have done in the past if anything! everyone who knew me whilst I raised him single handed whilst holding down a stressful job in the NHS says its not my fault and he needs to grow up - this doesn't answer the impasse and life is so short........

Hi, nope he has very little contact with them either, will occasionally send a photo of the children to DD, but that is it. It is as if his family just don't count, I know he sees his father but X's Mother once told me she hadn't seen him for 2 years. DIL is very close to her family and just doesn't seem to be interested in our side at all.
I just get on with it, but i do miss him a lot, i have told him but he just ignores anything we say.C'est la vie.

Felice - sorry to hear this.

Have you told him you don't know? Do either of your other offspring have any idea?

My middle son lives with his wife and family a 15 minute walk away. He hardly ever visits, is always pleased to see us though, which is strange. I know he works hard but he never returns phone calls, texts or other messages. I think it's just sons.

I have a similar problem with my middle son, he does not contact us at all now, when i ask him what the problem is he just says, 'you know', as i actually don't know we never get anywhere. DIL has never made any attempt to become friendly with any of our family, so I am afraid i have just given up, i have serious health problems and the stress of trying to keep in touch without losing my temper just got too much for me. he has 2 darling children and I doubt if they even know we exist. Ok thats it as I am getting upset now.

Welcome to the forum cab61.Sounds as if you really do need to know the answer to this 'historical' reply. It may not be a single thing though, it could just be that he feels deprived of his Father, because you are divorced.It's time that he got over that, especially since he has his own family.Can you speak to the other parents?I think that now you know it's about the past, it can't simply be left as it is.Keep it simple though, as if you both get emotional, things could get worse.Good luck.

Oops! Forgot the

Yes. Do try to find out what the "historical" problem is.

And tell us.

Do stay in touch - and try to find out what the historical problem is. It will only get worse if it is left to fester, better out in the open even if it upsetting. You can't resolve it if you don't know what it is.

Thank you all it really helps to hear all your words of advice. However, he does not reply to emails and only talks at me, not to me, on the phone, that is to say he talks about the reason for calling and doesn't want any questions. I was divorced in 1984 when he was 7 and raised him and his sister alone with frequent contact with his father and paternal grandparents. He had an affluent upbringing and has an in built sense of entitlement with no thought for others - mea culpa! I over compensated for his father leaving us but what he doesn't realise is how difficult those years were and I never showed him. Once again thanks for your replies.

cab61 Do stay in touch with him and his family.
I would suggest a pleasant letter or email to say you are worried that he seems so distant and gets angry, you love him and want to keep a good relationship going with him.

Tell him that you do not understand what is going on but you apologise if you have inadvertently upset him.
You want to put things right, but to do that, you need to know exactly what it was you may have done wrong.

I think a loving letter or Email is the best way as he can read this at leisure and think about it. A telephone call puts a person "on the spot" and could be much more confrontational which is not what you want.

Continue to play it cool and friendly but do not get angry; which is why
writing is better! Write it, but do not send it straight away and read it again next day to see if you think it still sounds polite and caring.

I hope you can sort it out soon.

What a wonderfully positive outcome for you and your daughter, gilred. I hope you are keeping well.

I agree with Marelli.
Four years ago I cut ties with my daughter having taken offence at her very hurtful comments about her childhood,all untruthful.
I was then diagnosed with a brain tumour,had a craniotomy followed by months of radiotherapy.She proved to be endlessly helpful and supportive and when she asked what MY problem had been and I told her - she denied having said anything derogative.
We are now once again the best of friends.
So, try to stay positive it may soon resolve itself unexpectedly.

My second DS hardly ever contacts us or visits us and he only lives a mile away. We always feel welcome when we pop round but I think it is just boy children. My eldest DS will phone or text a couple of times a month and does pop in now and then at the weekends.

As you have been told though that it is 'historical' I agree that you should maybe ask outright what the problem is.

I always used to blame the divorce for the reason my second DS is so off hand but, like my daughter says, it's time he got a grip and got over it - after all it was 32 years ago. I think it hit him harder or he maybe suffered more I don't know. He knows I love him and he tells me.

Please don't cut ties. Keep coming onto GN and we are always here for support. xxxx

No - really don't cut ties. It isn't the way forward. There is a thread on Gransnet called "Cut out of their lives" and I find it unbearable reading.

My OH also has PD - it is such a challenge and you have all my sympathy. A son being difficult is definitely the last thing you need!

It can't be such a terrible problem if your dil is still willing to be friendly with you, and her parents.
I would write a letter to them as a couple, and ask what the problem is, and what can you do to resolve it.
Don't cut your dil off whatever happens.

Telling you that there is a "historical" problem isn't very helpful. I think it might have been better to have said nothing than drive you crazy wondering what on earth that could mean.

If no-one is willing to explain what exactly the problem is, perhaps you should just let things lie for a while. I think you might regret completely cutting ties with him.

I too hope that the situation eases eventually.

Why not keep in touch with your DiL by phone or email? Then ask after your son and send him your best wishes? That way you're not burning any bridges or losing contact with your adorable GS.

Hi cab61--sorry to hear this story--I have a similar situation myself were by my son has decided that I am the devil!!

It was very unkind of your son to put the phone down on you on Christmas day of all days!!!!

He is obviously peeved about something and you know what its like when you are young, you expect lots from your parents and it does not usually take too much for you to disagree with each other.

My advise would def be to find out out WHAT the problem is because it may be able to be resolved with one conversation.

I would say only consider cutting ties with him if --you not seeing your grandchild and daughter in law is something you would be ok with.

I appreciate were you are coming from mentioning your Parkinsons, you are ill and don't really need the extra ag.

You could go for a bit of a walk in the fresh air to clear you head and try and come to a decision that you feel you can go forward with

I hope you resolve things, children are the one thing in our lives that give us un describable happiness but sometimes the opposite can also be true.

Best wishes to you

Hi cab61--sorry to hear this story--I have a similar situation myself were by my son has that I am the devil!!

It was very unkind of your son to put the phone down on you on Christmas day of all days!!!!

He is obviously peeved about something and you know what its like when you are young, you expect lots from your parents and it does not usually take too much for you to disagree with each other.

My advise would def be to find out out WHAT the problem is because it may be able to be resolved with one conversation.

I would say only consider cutting ties with him if --you not seeing your grandchild and daughter in law is something you would be ok with.

I appreciate were you are coming from mentioning your Parkinsons, you are ill and don't really need the extra ag.

You could go for a bit of a walk in the fresh air to clear you head and try and come to a decision that you feel you can go forward with

I hope you resolve things, children are the one thing in our lives that give us un describable happiness but sometimes the opposite can also be true.

Best wishes to you

If travelling is out of the question, perhaps an old fashioned pen and ink letter? Phone calls can be difficult, and emails and texts can seem very impersonal.

Why did he hang the phone up on you on Xmas Day? Sorry if I am out of line in asking, but that does seem so awful.

You need to find out what this "historical" reason is. Are you able to travel? (Parkinson's is horrible ) If so, perhaps you could go and meet him face to face to try to get to the bottom of this and, hopefully, mend some bridges.

Best wishes.

Sorry to hear about this situation, and "welcome" if you are new!

For a comment to be made along the lines of "there is a historical problem" is not exactly helpful. I'm presuming what is meant is there is something that you have said or done in the past that he has taken offence at.

So, without knowing what you are supposed have done, what does he expect you to do? Play 20 questions until you get the right answer? Fall at his feet and grovel for every time that you might have got something wrong? "Oh Son, I'm so sorry that I didn't let you have an ice cream on that day trip to Bournemouth"?

It seems this situation cannot be resolved until somebody actually says what caused it in the first place! So, your DIL knows, her parents know, and of course your son knows.

Shame that he feels sulking is the answer, he needs to sort things out.

Life is too short for this sort of behaviour!