Does sexual fidelity matter?

I have been with DH since we were teenagers. We have had some tricky times and we both fought hard to save and now nurture the relationship. In the end we knew we were better together than apart.

Same here - and no way would I have allowed straying sexually to undermine and threaten that chance of growing old together- and would have been devastated if I had been betrayed. Surely sex is about an awful lot more than 'copulation' - can't remember who said that, but if this is all sex is/was to you, I think it is a great pity.

One of my UK friend who lost everything to wanting 'just this last passionate affair', which lasted a mere year - has a sad old age in front of her and i don't envy her one bit.

But I can see its hard for one part of a relationship who wants more than just a cuddle to cope with an about turn for whatever reason and want to grab some excitement back into their lives, but I dont think I could do it as DH has stood by me when all else was falling apart.

Totally - but the price is just not worth paying, me thinks.

I thought we had weathered a couple of my husband's "indiscretions" pretty well but then there was a more serious one which we barely survived. Twelve years later we are still together, but it had quite an effect on the way I felt about him - not that I think he ever noticed! I suppose I could have walked away, but we'd been married 30 years and it's a lot of shared experiences to give up on.

Reading through the comments here is very interesting. Some sound quite indignant at the very mention of infidelity. In France mistresses are almost the norm. It has been accepted as a part of life. Could it be our puritanical history that colours how we feel in this country?
What is more important in a relationship, the failure of one partner or the unwillingness of the other to forgive and move on?
And which is worse, the broken promise, the deceit, or the actual straying? My ex told me on our honeymoon that he'd been with an old girlfriend since we got engaged. I was very hurt. Should he have told me? I'm not sure why he did except that he then asked if I'd been unfaithful to him. I hadn't, and never was, though he never believed that. I should have known then what I was in for, but I was only 17 and quite naive.
Until quite recently people fondly imagined that it was ok for animals to give in to their urges, but certain birds mated for life, and that was held up as an example to us all. Now that it has been shown that even those who do mate for life aren't immune to nipping in and out of each others nests, we'll have to rethink on that one.

I totally agree that sexual fidelity is important in a relationship, I would never stray even if tempted, and would not stay with a partner who did. No need to commit yourself to one person otherwise.

granjura, the dangers of 'mid-life' crisis are often only fully appreciated after the event. I too know of several people who felt under loved in their late 40s -early 50s and sought 'comfort' elsewhere. Once again the concept of 'perfect' comes into it. They looked at their marriages and felt something was lacking and instead of addressing that fact they looked elsewhere. I am not talking of genuine marriage breakdowns, they are quite different. I dont think I fully appreciated the effects of early menapause symptoms and the death of my much loved Mum had on me at the time. It led to me questioning my marriage - I just could not understand why I felt the way I did - but thankfully I did see the light and can look back on that time as a sad blip that we got through!
I often find myself tutting about yet another magazine article about hot flushes etc that do not mention the real impact the change in hormones coupled with life changing events such as parental illness/death and the dreaded 'empty nest' syndrome can have.

Oh and hochiwich - trotting out the sad old cliche of the French and their mistresses (a silly ploy put about by men who like their cakes every which way) does nothing to explain the complexities of marriage. Love and trust builds a marriage and if there is another person in that marriage then I doubt everyone is as happy as they could be.

In an ideal world, people would be without blemish, marriage partners would be compatible and infidelity would not exist. During my 24 years of marriage to Mr soop I have been faithful and I shall remain so. Way back when I was immature and selfish, I imagined that I could have both a satisfactory home life and an exciting affair. If anyone asks me, was it worth it? The answer is, most definitely NOT

HildaW I totally agree with you, about effects of hormone imbalance/ death of parents/empty nest, and the fact that these changes are not talked about enough.

How interesting that so many posters have vilified the partner who seeks sexual gratification outside marriage. What about the partner who arbitrarily decides that he/she is not going to have a sexual relationship any more without any consultation?

I don't think anybody has vilified anybody - just saying that if you have a very good relationship, the price is just not worth paying for a bit of sexual passion elsewhere.

Agreed that if a partner suddenly make that choice, not because of illness or accident or incapacity for some reason, it must be very difficult. I'd say then that if the relationship is no longer good, it might be best to separate?

granjura Why separate if everything is fine apart from in bed? Everything surely outweighs a bit of rumpy pumpy. It looks very much as if sex is the decisive factor in some people's marriages if you go by by some of the posts here – not love, companionship, understanding, help, sharing. How very, very sad. Maybe that isn't what people really meant to say.

I think it would depend on one's own personal sex-drive. One rule doesn't fit all - some people are quite happy and fulfilled in their marriage without sex and others aren't. I certainly wouldn't presume to judge whether it's right or wrong for the unfulfilled party in a marriage to seek sex elsewhere as everyone's circumstances differ.

If one partner is cold and unwilling to share physical contact, not just sex, I can quite understand the other partner looking for some warmth and intimacy. It may stop short of full sex, but I suppose some people would still regard it as infidelity.
I once had a lover who still lived with his wife. She told me cheerfully that she was quite happy with the situation, as she had completely lost interest in sex but she liked their home and lifestyle. She thanked me for keeping him happy and not trying to take him away from her. As I had just got free of a stifling 20 year marriage, I was not looking for any commitment and the situation suited us all for a time. He told me the situation when we first met and asked me to meet his wife, with her consent.
Relationships are very complex and it is not possible to lay down rules that apply to everyone.

I totally agree Absent - which is why I said that if you have a good relationship which you think is worth it, and you want to grow old together - then why threaten it by having 'rumpy pumpy' elsewhere, if it would cause great hurt and a possible separation. My take - why is it that giving an opinion is always seen as a judgement on others?

Hilda I do find your comment on my comment insulting. I could have been just as insulting myself, in terms of self-righteous indignation for example, but tried to remain neutral. Worth considering.

As none of us is perfect I don't think there is any such thing as a perfect marriage. Perhaps that is sometimes the problem, some may expect marriage to be perfect and are therefore dissappointed.

We have had difficulties during our long marriage, some caused externally, and some very personal but we have worked at them and come through. If a couple cannot overcome a sexual disparity then perhaps that is symptomatic of bigger problems in their relationship? We have not always had the same appetites but have worked through it together just like any other differences in our relationships. I think that anything worked for is worth much more than anything which comes too easily eg, I passed my driving test far too easily and get no pleasure from driving at all.

But surely in this day and age and in this Country nobody has to "accept" a mistress! How humiliating (unless one wants to)

hochiwich, you are perfectly entitled to be insulted. Just as I am perfectly entitled to have opinions about your comments - this is a forum after all.

I personally would have never accepted to share my OH with a mistress- never, ever. I have known many women who have, and I always wondered why they would accept this. Perhaps lack of confidence, of a fear of losing social/financial status. I could never share my life with someone who seeks gratification elsewhere. It not just about 'rumpy pumpy' is is all about trust as a whole. Unless of course i was struck by disability -but even so, I am not sure I could.

On another thread concerning teenage pregnancies, Ariadne said

Add comment | Report | Private message Ariadne Sat 06-Apr-13 09:21:52
Jess is right - the power and force of the sexual impulse defies logic and reasoning

I would suggest that this is true at any age and no - one should imagine that they are immune.There are far greater dangers lurking in marriage than sexual infidelity.....boredom, complacency, smugness and predictability for starters.

Meanness would be a huge turn-off for me - including meanness of spirit. Also lack of humour, pomposity, jealousy, controlling behaviour, boredom (oh, yes!) and trying to destroy your partner's self esteem and confidence.

Blimey, Greatnan, you've just about summed up my ex!