I found husband looking at internet porn

Dorset I disagree with the generalisation that it is something men do. My husband has no interest in porn, he really doesn't. He'd far rather watch sport on television.

And as for pole dancing - my colleague at work had us all in fits of laughter recently, having been to a pole dancing club, describing the poor person whose job it is in between dances - and dancers - to clean the pole. Some poor sucker actually follows the acts brandishing a spray bottle of cleaner and a cloth. Health and safety rules!

Doesn't that just sum up marriage..........'a difficult balance to strike'.

It may be that an "affectionate response" might be seen as leading onto something that is not desired! I can imagine that this might be a difficult balance to strike!

I agree re internet porn papaoscar.
If someone has a very high sex drive, it doesn't just turn off because you are older, and must be very difficult for men and women in relationships where it's 'out of bounds', especially if there isn't even any affectionate response.

It's not just a male problem, ladies. I've witnessed female conduct in towns, pubs, and public places which I think is frankly pornographic and inappropriate, and I do not consider myself to be a prude. Sometimes the females are not particularly young, either. As regards pornography I am no longer sure where the boundaries lie. It is very easy as regards the really nasty stuff, which is indefensible, but much more difficult in other areas. In consequence old chaps like me have to very careful about their general conduct these days. Perhaps as a result some chaps resort to secretly viewing bad things. Stupid and foolish, yes, and so very sad but I do wish there was some way of keeping such filth off the Internet. In the meantime we should remember that not all men are monsters and not all females are above reproach.

Interesting that this thread has been resurrected. There was another thread last week about a man who said he was considering having an affair because his wife was no longer interested in sex, and the poster asked if this would be reasonable. He said he had turned to porn to meet his needs. My response was that I'd rather he had sex with another woman than watch porn.i found it odd that no one responded to my comment. I can understand that younger men are obsessed with sex, or there would be no procreation, but I can't get my head round older chaps thinking it's the be all and end all in a relationship. Anyway, what I really want to say Welshmist is that I feel for your pain and anguis, and hope you can get through this.

To be honest it is something men do, like going to strip clubs and pole dancing clubs. They could be having a perfectly happy sex life and still do it. We women will never understand it.
On a stag do my son ended up with all the other stags at a pole dancing club. My son, being the nice guy he is, ended up having a friendly chat with one of the dancers. He asked her why she did this, turned out that she was paying her way through uni - didn't want to end up with a massive debt by the time she graduates. She didn't feel objectified just that men are a bit stupid to pay so much money to see her dance!!
If your husband just dips in out from time to time, also he isn't watching really nasty porn, just ask him if he could keep it to a minimum as it has really upset you.

Thanks Purpledaffodil

Such wise words JessM. Put the whole issue so succinctly to you.

Excellent discussion here. Maybe the core issue for pinkhater and welshmist is less about porn itself and more about loss of trust in their OH. I would be angry and hurt if my DH had a secret interest, passion, or behavior simply because he did not feel it safe to be openly discussed with me. Secrecy denies partners the chance to work on the problem together. I would feel as though we had been living a lie.

I sincerely hope you ladies, after you recover from the shock and anger, can reach a point of mutual understanding and continued love and respect with your partners.

Pinkhater, There has to be a reason why he's doing this. Try and get him to talk about it. Pornography is disgusting but powerfully attractive at times so be angry, yes, but also be prepared to listen. Good luck.

jess if this was my husband, I'd be as angry with him for falling for the lure of the "nasty trade" as I'd be with the porn industry. Good post though.

I would never feel bad about myself if I found out my husband was watching porn - watching cosmetically enhanced, sad people who probably have to get high to help them do their "job".

Welsh, I hope you can get past this.

Aw Welshmist glad you felt you could come to GN for support.
I think porn is basically a cynical money making industry that exploits men and women and damages human relationships and the self esteem of men and women. It is a branch of the "sex industry" which includes prostitution and trafficking. You can see its insidious effect in the way young women think they should denude their genitals, wear uncomfortable underwear, have plastic surgery and kit themselves out like porn stars.
For men I think it is a kind of addictive escapism like betting on the horses. Like betting on the horses it is not harmless (in the case of betting people are parted from their money, people that work in stables are paid terrible wages and a few people get extremely rich...)
So instead of feeling bad about yourself it might help to feel very angry, not with your husband but with this nasty trade that has made you feel like this.

Nelliedean put it in a nutshell when she said it destroys your self confidence. That IMO is the most significant aspect of this issue at our age.

So many good comments here, thank you. I just feel numb and really do not know what to do next. He did try Viagra and Cialis but said the side effects were awful. This was years ago. He said it was too embarrassing to see the Doctor again. Although they must know it pops up on every repeat prescription he has.

There are other issues in our lives just now. Family problems which has put this problem on the back burner somewhat.

He needs to know that every porn film involves the exploitation of the participants. How would he feel if it were his son or daughter who was taking part?

Welshmist - do not be sad. There is no question of you "competing." Men do not really want this stuff done to them or with them - it would frighten the s**t out of them. What they really need, just like women, is to be loved and respected for who they are.

If your OH has a problem with impotence, it strikes at the core of who he thinks he is, and this sort of stuff is a vain effort to boost his own morale. It is not a very good way forward for him.

Take heart - many men turn to such stuff when they are feeling vulnerable. You are not obliged to try anything out that you do not wish to.

Well if it means that loss of "grey matter" is a sign of diminishing intelligence I'm not surprised. From the small amount of soft porn that I've seen it's all much of a muchness. Very repetitive and non-demanding of intellect.

I thought this was very interesting.

www.iflscience.com/brain/researchers-find-association-between-porn-viewing-and-less-grey-matter-brain

My mother-in-law says that her equivalent is a chick-lit novel with a fair bit of sex in it and a hunky hero/love interest.

No, maybe you can't compete physically with what you see, but he doesn't want you to. He's going off into fantasy land, maybe in the hope that he will feel something. Maybe he needs some viagra?

Ex used to read porn magazines and hide them under the bed - then he started to bring a friend home for dinner and they would stay up late and watch a porn video together. I hated it, but didn't know what to do. Needless to say, I always feigned sleep when he came up to bed. The problem solved itself when the friend found a girlfriend, but I can't forget how grimy it made me feel. I stayed up to watch the first one, but didn't manage to stay until the end. When I look back now, thinking how I made dinner for two males and then went to bed leaving them to watch porn once a week - I must have needed my head testing.

I think you have to tell him how it makes you feel. Don't leave anything out, then maybe he will see that he has to sort out his problem and maybe it could be all sorted very easily.

I am so distressed. My apparently impotent hubby is watching porn. I feel so useless. I bought him a tablet to use after his hernia operation to keep his spirits up. I did suspect but he said I was paranoid. Well I found it on his tablet last night when he left it on bedside tablet to have a shower. I was in shock at first, now I cannot stop crying. I cannot compete with what he is seeing.

What an idiot! I bet he's no longer with his wife?

green I do know the guy and he is a bit of a leech thinks he is gods gift to women his favourite joke is that women get married in white to blend in with the kitchen that kind of man doesn't go to well with mr.G

Mr G sounds lovely, glamma! I do hope the 'gentleman of more 'mature'years wasn't TOO disappointed!

On a slightly different track mr.G is best man at our friends wedding in Sept and he and some of the guys where deciding where to go for the stag night a bright spark of more "mature" years suggested they go to a girly bar,strippers and poledancers over in Liverpool,why do that says mr.G they have nothing that I don't have at home (bless him) now if they have something different then maybe I would be interested says he,and what would that be says glamma with her stern face,"well three boobs would be a change " says he looking sheepish,they are all going for the first option of Go-carting and back to the local pub so they don't have far to fall home.Sorry to go off track of the post.

I've thought quite a bit about this one and have decided it would depend on the kind of porn DH was watching.

If it was consensual stuff where all participants were treated with respect, well I could cope with that.

However, it if involved young women being abused and denigrated (as porn often is) I wouldn't like that at all.