Being in trouble with daughter!

Good luck Cleevese, hope it goes well.

Cleevese

Yes, we had been planning a meet up.

My daughter and I have agreed to try to sort out our problems.

SO THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH FOR YOUR RESPONSES,

That is good news. Good luck

Aw, so glad!

All your help has been amazing!

Yes, we had been planning a meet up.

My daughter and I have agreed to try to sort out our problems.

SO THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH FOR YOUR RESPONSES,

I think of the Irish branch of my father’s family, where the deceased lay in an open coffin in the ‘front room’, and was on view to visitors. I remember the granny dying, and the children ( some under five) putting flowers, drawings, jewellery etc into the coffin. They also attended the funerals from birth. Those children probably had a healthier attitude to death and dying than the ones from whom it was hidden.
We also have Indian family, who do all the preparation of their dead themselves, with rituals the whole family join in.

Cleevese, had you already told your daughter, or did she hear about it first from her son?

M0nica

We never hid anything from our children, no matter how young they were. It is what you say and how, that matters. If you are worried children, even quite small children can pick up the atmosphere. Tell them what the cause of concern is and reassure them if you can, If not discuss the outcomes.

I agree Monica

We never hid anything from our children, no matter how young they were. It is what you say and how, that matters. If you are worried children, even quite small children can pick up the atmosphere. Tell them what the cause of concern is and reassure them if you can, If not discuss the outcomes.

Cleevese I hope you are feeling better soon and you are wise to follow all medical advice.

I think that ignoring your daughters call is quite likely to make things worse. If it was me, I would answer, listen to what she has to say then make these points as relevant (if she is shouting or rude though, I would tell her that you are happy to talk when she is calmer and put the phone down) :

*You understand that she is cross with you. However...
* Your grandson contacted you regarding meeting up so you simply explained the reason why that was now a problem. You had no intention of causing him stress or worry but you are also unwilling to lie to him so you told the truth. (If you had already told your daughter about the stroke and she had not told her son, you did not know that ... and assumed he knew!?)
* The Dr is quite clear what happened to you and a TIA was not mentioned. In either case you intend to follow all medical advice and not second guess what Drs are saying or contradicting them
*That you really don't want to fall out over this and want to just take things quietly to aid your recovery. You have found the experience scary

All the above responses seem appropriate if she expresses the same concerns as you described in the OP. If she is angry about other things unexpectedly, maybe suggest a time to chat when you are feeling fully recovered.

I do think you need to take care and avoid the stress so if necessary you will just have to say that you can't cope with this at the moment but will be happy to talk when feeling better

Do you need help with anything or a bit of company and support from your daughter...if you have that sort of relationship? Maybe say that if you feel able to as it appears not to be on her radar! ?

I also think it is worth saying to her that the phone call really upset you , you are entitled to express your own feelings

Perhaps OP daughter feels 'first in line' for mom's news. This incident proves to daughter she's not 'first in line' and her feelings may be hurt at the realization. Doesn't make the order in which the news was told wrong - but daughter's reaction is decidedly horrible. I'd not pick up her calls.

On reflection, I wonder if your daughters reaction was triggered by the realisation that you could have died?

We all handle fear of loss differently.

You cant lie to an 18y old. Nor should you feel obliged to.

Dont answer the call for a while. Until your daughter is less angry anyway.
Can you text or leave a voice mail saying your recovering well, but on advice need to avoid stress atm?

I think you have done well to cope and been thoughtful enough not to have involved your daughter.

Hope your recovery goes well.

Supposing the OP had had a full stroke and died, would her daughter have hidden that from her adult son incase it affected his studies?

Just asking.

Your daughter is over reacting . My 2dc were a similar age when my fil had a TIA and needed surgery , They had a close relationship with him and came to the hospital to visit him and visited him when he went into rehab .
Death and illness are part of life and adults shouldn’t shield their kids from it . My daughters best friend at primary school lost her mother through breast cancer. Whilst she was ill , myself and the other mums had a rota to collect and drop off her daughter . This situation created a lot of questions from my dc which I answered truthfully.
I was equally truthful when my DF died from a massive heart attack, even though my daughter was doing her 11+.
As for the conversation with your DD , phone her first, rather than waiting .
I hope you feel better soon

Normandygirl

crazyH

I am with your daughter on this. If something like that happened to me, I doubt I would have told the grandchildren / even if they were 18+ years old. Young acults have so much going on in their lives. Worrying about grandma is something they don’t need. And, especially because you are expected to make a full recovery. You can say you are not too well and leave it at that.
I hope you get back to your normal self as soon as possible. All the best

So an 18 yr old is mature enough to get married, have children, have a vote in the future government of the country and go and fight in a war, but he's not old enough to be told about granny's illness?
Are you serious?

My child was introduced to death at 6 years old. She attended all the funerals of aunts and uncles who died, whom she knew and loved. How did previous generations cope with the wars our nation went through? For goodness sake, stand up and be counted and stand your ground. The modern world can be a minefield so wising up our kids at as early an age as possible. My daughter never suffered from facing 'the truth' at an early age and is probably one of the smartest most empathic people I know. The OP needs to either ignore her daughter or give her a mouthful. I know which one I would do and it would not be silence.

I had a TIA a few years back. I was not allowed to drive for one month after because there is every chance of having another TIA or even worse a full stroke. It is taken very seriously by the medical profession. Your daughter, like a lot of people, think they know all the facts. I do think at 18-1/2 your grandson, as a man, should be, allowed to know what is going on.

Thank you for all your kind and helpful messages!

Are you usually close to your daughter and grandson, if so , I'm surprised your daughter didn't already know . She does sounds a bit uncaring, your grandson is an adult, he contacted you and you were honest with him . I wouldn't want to have an unpleasant conversation with anyone on the phone or in person if I was feeling unwell . Perhaps send her a text and say , you will call her when your feeling a bit stronger

Sounds to me as tho the grandson laid into his mother for not telling him about your stroke. Thinking generally I'd say avoid a quarrel with your daughter. Not worth it. She probably feels a bit wrong-footed about it and you could perhaps say you didn't realise that he didn't know and let it blow over.
Presumably there was some talk at an early stage about whether it was a TIA or it wouldn't have come up.

Sounds as tho you're doing well. Good luck and keep going!

Hithere

Are there any special circumstances that your gs has or going through?

Your daughter's reaction, on the outside, looks uncaring

What other factors are there that colour the mother- daughter relationship?

There has to be more

I would agree with Hithere. As is often the case with people asking for advice on a forum, only the bare bones of a situation are given, and folk weigh in with their ‘ advice’.
From OP saying her daughter ‘laid into her and said…..’ and that she is ‘going to phone her’, made me infer that they have not actually spoken, which I find strange.

Well he's old enough to join the army, vote or get married so he's definitely old enough for a health update. Presumably a doctor has informed you of your condition so that's what I would tell your daughter. Hope you make an excellent and speedy recovery.

I too agree with Maw.

Op , You asked I think, how to respond to your daughter when she called.
I would immediatly congratulate her. Saying she had done good job.
Her son is a kind and caring, very Mature young Man.
And also point out that it was he, who had called you.
Expain that you are following hospital/orders regarding your health and that you must keep stress levels down.
If you need to cut phone call short, say sorry, but your alarm has just gone off your medication.

Tia are not only unpleasant, but also a warning of a possible full blown stroke in the future.

Good luck

Heaven help your daughter when her son - an adult by most definitions - decides to kick over the traces! Or cut the apron strings. Whatever metaphor you choose!