Paying grandparents for childcare

Still in a state of shock about what's happened I've been browsing the internet and found an article that I'm going to send to my daughter [as she's not talking to me]. I can't cut and paste things, but it's from a site called grandparents.com [American version of gransnet?] and it's headed 'I'm the grandmother, not the babysitter'. Pretty much sums up how I'm feeling and, hopefully, as it's written by someone else she may understand the points raised.

Crimson....agree so much...with your thoughts

That sounds like the ideal arrangement, Speldnan. As you say, it is quite a commitment and it's perfectly reasonable to accept travel expenses plus extra. It's a win-win situation! A lot of grandparents do volunteer, or feel pressured into giving childcare for free because their children can't afford nursery fees, and in some cases it can cause stress and/or ill-feeling. We do the best we can!

My daughter has asked me to look after her baby son when she goes back to work in January 2013. She wants to pay me-travel expenses plus a bit extra-this is because I have just retired, am divorced and have a small pension. She would pay for childcare but doesn't want to leave the baby with strangers. I have said yes to 2 days per week on a trial basis. She lives a 50 minute drive away so it is quite a commitment. However I would like to do this for her-not for the money but to help her and to spend time with my GS. I would not be able to afford to do this without the money she will give me-surely there is nothing wrong with this?
Even between families it is sometimes better to have an official arrangement rather than just 'good will'. As for government vouchers-I think this would be a brilliant idea!

Phew as you know I have DGD living with me permanently she has done since she was 4.
When DD was alive we worked during the week and she worked long shifts at the hospital weekends ,this was not a satisfactory arrangement really as my marriage was failing and there where too many stresses to resolve,shortly after my marriage broke down DGD came to live with me permanently,and for various reasons wasn't able to continue working,I have recently been training as a childminder and just waiting to register but I have changed. My mind because I feel even over the last 6 months my energy levels have fallen this year is my diamond jubilee as well I do get at the moment a residency allowance for her and my partner is retraining at college in order to secure more work,we never took any money from DD as she was a single parent and we had to help support her financially also.

I think I'm going to have the best of both worlds. Am lucky enough to be working in own firm - can therefore take a day off in week if want to. DOH does not work on Fridays. DDIL will be going back to work very shortly three days a week. Her parents will be having DGS1 two days and we will be having him on Fridays. We will be alternating Thursday nights. DS is a teacher so will not be having DGS1 during school holidays.

Arrangement means DGS1 gets to spend quality time with both sets of GPs and more importantly, with DS on a one to one basis. Also, this way, there is no large financial burden on either set of GPs - they will collect and we will collect from them and drop him off at home/meet up with DS or DDIL to drop off.

Of course we will still see them all at weekends and during holidays in same way as do now.

DOH and I are younger and more active than DDIL's parents and will be doing different things - we'll do the walking, running, surfing, beachy, muddy things while DDIL's parents will do the quieter shoppy, crafty, visity things. Hopefully DGS1 will find that he has the best of both worlds and can have different relationships with us all.

Nobody feels left out and nobody feels put-upon. We do seem to be incredibly lucky that we have been able to work it out this way.

Is Samuel still doing well nina? I often think of the dreadful time you all went through.

forgot to say, I did get taken out to dinner, and received a couple of prezzies for my trouble

I'm going to sound very selfish here.
In the respect of childcare I'm glad I live 90mins away from DD as I'm sure I would have been asked (wouldn't have been able to say no) to have DGS before she left work to have DGS2. (DGS1 went to nursery) But then this would have been different to having him 24/7 for approx 6wks when added altogether as I have had to do during her difficult PG and time DD and SIL had to spend in London with Samuel. I have to confess I was only too happy to take him home each time, as I was exhausted

8am-6pm Mon-Fri would be a different prospect.

I find the 2 afternoons that I do for DGS1 are fine ( was a whole day before we moved closer) and I often have my DGD2 as well as they are good playmates and amuse one another with their crazy games. I would not want paying..that is why I offered to help with some care... to keep the cost down. if I was doing full time might feel differently...certainly would be very tired! I do not want to do more care..we usually see them at weekends too at some point. We still have plenty of time for our own friends, interests etc.

I think that's possibly what crimson was getting at, Annobel. You were working full-time and had other responsibilities, whereas I was working part-time and DD knew my boss was flexible. I would have loved to have been a weekend Nana, but I was too exhausted!

My first GD lived close by but, to do her nutty mother justice, she never presumed. Mind you, I was teaching full time and serving as a Councillor, school governor etc. But I was free to do the fun things like picnics and cinema at the weekend, not to mention visiting the cake counter in the supermarket.

Mine would have had to go to nursery five days a week instead of three. Cost was a big consideration, and the fact that DD (and I!) felt it would be better for the girls to have some home care mixed in with the nursery care.
I'm not saying I regret the experience - it was just more to cope with than I had expected.

I often regret living so far from my two sons' families. I would love to see more of the GC. However, as all GPs live too far away to be child-carers, they have had to use nurseries for all their children and as far as I can see none of them has suffered as a result. When I do see them I am a granny, not a carer which is fine by me. So - all of you who are so taken for granted, how would your offspring cope if, like mine, they had no option?

Anagram; don't you realise our work doesn't count [she says bitterly ]...

I know what you mean, crimson. I was glad to agree to have DD's new baby two days a week when she found out she was pregnant, but hadn't reckoned on twins! Even now I find them hard work, and they're gorgeous, but I've only ever been used to one baby at a time and I really couldn't enjoy looking after them because I was so stressed!
(As well as working on the other three days of the week!)

Can't wait to have the little ones for part of their school holidays as soon as they are a bit older. And I would be on the next plane in an emergency- but no, it is not our 'job' to bring up our grand-children on a daily basis, as much as we love them.

Parameters need to be set from the start. I've only just realised [having been 'sacked'] how much I was giving up to look after the grandchildren and how hard I was finding it. And, [I know this sounds awful] how little pleasure I was getting from it because it was another chore to do on top of all the others [along with working as well]. I was too tired to be a 'proper' granny.

I really don't think grand-parents should be 'expected' to take care of grand-children on a daily basis. If they want to, fine - but this should be respected and rewarded, if not by a salary as such, by treats.

We have several friends both here and in the UK who are totally trapped by child-care. One couple bought a motorhome when they retired to explore Europe which they never had a chance to do. She then had 3 years of battling against breast cancer and finally saw the light at the end of the tunnel. One son then asked them to help look after the little ones 2 1/2 days per week. Then the other returned from abroad and told parents, if you look after his, it's only fair that you look after ours the other 2 1/2 days, and then felt they couldn't say no. Similar story for several friends in UK.

Recently they gave them 2 months notice that they were going away for 2 weeks with said motorhome, and both sons went crazy saying 'you can't go, we do not have an alternative for the kids and don't trust anybody else'. They finally put their foot down and said enough is enough- they'd continue to help, but they'd like a bit more appreciation, and that if that alternatives had to be found for when they want to go away for a few days or couple of weeks. BRAVO. For them it is NOT about the money- but about time and freedom.

I looked after 2 pre school children for 2 weeks last year, and couldn't do it without help [it so made me realise how old I had become] and yet I can still cope with a long day at work [albeit going straight to bed when I get home!]. My daughter, realising that there seemed to be no after school facilities where she lived, thought about setting up an after school club for a few children. When I said I could help for a small wage it was pointed out that she couldn't afford to pay me. The problem your friend probably faces, dorsetpennt is that whoever does look after the children will not love and care for them the way that she would. And, what would happen if she was poorly one day?It's like emotional blackmail because we love our grandchildren so much.

I don't feel grandparents should ask for a weekly salary, maybe any out of pocket expenses like nappies, food etc. Also as someone has said the odd treat would be nice. A lady I work with needs her job, she's part-time about 25 hours a week, and her daughter has been putting pressure on her to leave the job and care for the 2 pre-school children. The discussion resulted in an awful row, as the Granny said she would if the DD would pay her the salary she was giving up. My colleague felt awful but she isn't working for 'pin money' but to help stretch out her state pension. She has no other pension but this, so the money she earns does more then help. Also, she works for a high end supermarket and gets excellent discounts plus an annual profit-related bonus. The daughter would have to pay for child care anyway so why not pay her mother. Difficult situation.

Happygran.....thank you.....

Hi Lynne

I have been a childminder for seventeen years and really enjoy it. My husband was made redundant two years ago so he registered and we work together now. It is very hard work but it is made easier if there are two of you. Would you maybe consider hiring an assistant if you had enough work? You can care for more children if there are two of you and we manage to make a good living out of it at the moment, that is always subject to change of course!

I think that you would be a great childminder as you already as so much experience behind you, go for it Lynne.

Happy to answer any questions you have. x

So much depends on circumstances so I think it should be made possible to be paid if people need and want to be. We could probably pay for a childminder with the money we spend on travel & taking them out so parents have a day in peace to work - they work from home. However, our efforts have given me a dividend today as we are co-Director's of their business. An alternative idea would be for 1 parent to be paid an allowance to look after their own kids for at least the first year (or five).

It was looking after my grandchildren that made me realise how old I was and how tired I get now. And, given that I was missing out on overtime at work whenever I did so, payment of some kind would have been nice, even if it was just petrol expenses and the provision of a meal when I was there.