Money to DS not DIL

I think you are right to wish to not add to his financial pot. It is not 'off ' at all. He can have the future financial needs of the children in mind without lining the pockets of his soon to be ex wife. Get the separation formalised!

Maybe it would be safer rather than handing him a lump sum gift, to simply pay for stuff as he needs it - such as first month's rent on a flat he moves to, or insurance on his car etc etc. These payments will be expenses and won't then be seen as "assets" to be divided upon divorce.

"At the moment he seems reluctant to do anything formally as they are managing to agree child access etc fairly amicably and he doesn`t want to rock the boat."

Is your relationship with your DIL very bad? Your determination to ensure no money reaches her - the resident parent of your grandchildren - seems a bit off to me. And if she gets to know about it, is absolutely guaranteed to rock the boat.

But quizqueen, there is a risk that if that was revealed, there is a risk that could be seen as an attempt to pervert the course of justice, or whatever it's called when you attempt to hide some fact from a legal process (which divorce is). I'd hate to see the whole thing become more complicated and unpleasant than it already is

Just open a bank account in your name but give him the debit card. He can withdraw smallest amounts of cash when needed and you can top the account up as you see fit. Who would know who was withdrawing the cash from an ATM!

You'd need legal advice of course but I expect the money you give him would not be included in the assets that are divided up as it would be clear that you had given it to him as a personal gift after they seperated and had clearly intended it not to be a gift to them as a couple.

What would he do if he had that money? Maybe you could pay for a nice holiday for him and the kids?

Presumably he will still contribute to school uniforms and so on, just give him the money to cover those things when needed, to smooth the way for all of them.

If he needs a car buy one and allow him use of it. Do all you can to ease friction in his change of circumstances to the benefit of all of them

Is he paying child maintenance? I just couldn’t help but wonder if this post were turned on its head

‘My DD’s marriage has broken down. She is finding it hard to manage on the small amount of money he is giving her. His parents will soon have a generous pot of money coming their way which I am sure they will be passing onto him- surely she should be entitled to some of it to help with the costs of bringing up the children?’.

I’m not having a pop at you OP and I certainly don’t want you to provide more details - I was just wondering about how quickly we all jumped in to wanting the money protected for him and no one mentioned the financial circumstances of the wife and children

No no no no Granny you are completely wrong about gifts of money. You are probably confusing it with the annual IHT exempt gift limit of £3000 under the IHT rules Gifts over £3000 under those rules are only liable for IHT if the donor dies within 7 years of the gift and the estate comes under IHT.

No putting his name on a joint account will not help. When my father died my brother and I opened a joint account to distribute his money. My brothers wifes solicitors demanded that every penny from that account was accounted for in his divorce settlement despite the fact that his share was also shown in his own personal account. Fortunately the fact that the 5 main beneficiaries and 22 lesser ones had exactly the same amounts and were clearly identified plus a copy of the will showed there was no hiding of assets on his part.

I agree that it would be wise to talk to a solicitor who specialise in divorce before you do anything. It might be amicable now but that can change, especially if he starts another relationship. Anything you give him is viewed as income if he receives it on a regular basis.

Also if you gift him more than £2k in any tax year he has to pay tax on it. It’s a tricky one.

Twiceasnice is right

In those circumstances I would open a savings account that has a card access . You can open it in your own name but give him the card.

One of my sons divorced ‘amicably’. They discussed things reasonably, made joint decisions and he handed over the house so that his children wouldn’t have to move. He continues to pay the mortgage and child maintenance but soon after the divorce came through she became very bitter and continues to make unreasonable financial demands. So just be very careful what you give to your son even after things seem settled.
It’s a horrid time and we want to look after our children but great care is needed. Get formal advice from the CBA.
Good luck to you all.

Can you not open a bank account in your name with your son as third party who's allowed access to withdraw from the account with an atm card? We have this arrangement with the bank for when our mum is poorly and she can't get out and about. It works well for us

You could put it in his account and give him a debit card that he could use. Or just buy a pre-paid debit card and top it up. That way you can make sure that there is not much on it at any crucial time.

Just slip him some money now and again until things are settled.

OMG sorry about the 'cos'. I have no idea what made me type in text speak [embarrassed]

I took on all the debts cos I had been persuaded to take loans out in my name and so thought they were my responsibility. It was only much later that I found out that debts are sometimes joint responsibilities in marriage and the odds are some would have been taken off my shoulders and put in his name.

Don't clear his debts until the divorce is over as they may be taken into account in the settlement.

Thankyou for your advice.I think we will hold off for now and just tell him to talk to us if he gets into serious financial difficulty.
We have already changed our will so that the bulk of our estate will go into trust but we will take legal advice as there are a couple of things happening in the next few years which might affect his financial standing.

Perhaps you could pay for his divorce costs? That could be what is stopping him going ahead.

I agree with those who say don't give it to him now. I wouldn't even pay off his debts or do anything which would put him in a better position financially unless the separation is amicable and his wife is not expected to take all she can get.

Also, if you did anything that later came out and was regarded negatively by the courts, it could really damage the ongoing relationship between the two of them and we all know where that can lead.

When there are children involved, not if.

I think that you do need advice, as a friend is going through the same procedure, not only do they have to declare any pensions which will be coming down the line in the distant future, they are also asking about the likelihood of any inheritance from parents, as you have sold your home and have some spare cash your DIL might try to include this into her calculations. If there are children involved it is even more complex.