Meeting partner later in life

I brooded on this for a couple of weeks and broached the subject of changing my name as my passport runs out this month, sadly there was a distinct but unsaid lack of enthusiasm, interest in this happening . So now I feel sadly resigned to either putting all that stuff to the back of my mind somehow or more rocking of the boat

Ps, pockets in shrouds what an amazing expression! I have no pockets in mine, but I think my partner is such a private person that he probably does, although nothing worrying I'm sure.
Faye, there is still a small mortgage on his property which he pays with a contribution from his daughter. It will be paid by the time he retires.
I have appreciated everyone's views and comments and I know the big talk is long overdue. Wish me luck!

storynanna I really believe whether you are married to your partner or not, it makes no difference. At the end of the day do you want your children to inherit your home or your partner. If you died before him and he inherited, his children would benefit from your will, or if he married or lived with another woman she could eventually inherit your house.

In Australia it makes no difference whether you are married or not. I think the government has gone too far here. If I lived with someone it doesn't mean I want them to inherit my assets, even if I ever married at this stage of my life I would still want my children to inherit my assets. People find if they separate from a partner who they haven't married they still have to give them a substantial share after say five years of living together.

If I was you I would see a solicitor to get advice independently of your partner. One other thing is his daughter paying rent to him while he lives in your mortgage free house.

storynanny I think you have asked the right and logical question. Why not indeed. There may of course be valid and logical reasons but you need to know and it is only right that you do.
I believe in sharing everything if you are in a partnership, married or not, I have personally never asked for anything in return and still believe it to be the right and proper thing to do. I do not believe there are pockets in shrouds but ensuring you have the right partner is a must. I fail on that score but I know many succeed and best wishes and health must go to them. I am resigned to spending the rest of my days alone and will leave what I have to the children. As for your emotional security why should you not have it, you should be given at least that and deserve it as a minimum. Just my opinion but I do feel strongly about matters such as this.

Actually the more I think about this the more I think I'm looking for more emotional security. I'm too old to be someone's girlfriend, if he's as fully committed as he says why on earth doesn't he want to get married and make it all official and legal. Should I have posted this in relationships?

storynanny

I think you have certainly got to check the ownership of any of his property and if any of it is owned by the offspring etc proper agreements will have to be drawn up to make sure you have a home for life.
I have heard of a couple of situations where there were some bitter disputes between the families and I think in the end the only winners were the lawyers.

Frank

Well I still haven't geared myself up for the big talk yet. My biggest fear lurking at the back of my head is that if I go on and on about something he regards as trivial but I don't, he may decide he doesn't want to be doing this relationship any more and that would break my heart.
I suppose eventually I have to decide what the deal breaker is, I definitely feel a bit in limbo about things t the moment though.

Well Im thinking that a complicated will drawn up by a very clever solicitor is the only proper way for me (us) to sort this out, I'm beginning to lose sleep over the uncertainty of things.
Thank you for all the comments and private messages, it certainly helps to think out loud and get some impartial views.

I only got this information second hand but one situation I once heard of was the mother had left her children her half of the house and the children were not on such good terms with the father and did not see him.
The father got married and died a few years later. He had willed the house to the wife not telling her it was half owned by his children.
I don't know what happened in the end but the children obviously wanted their half of the house.
I know it went to court.

Frank

My post was not intended to refer to your situation, Frank, it was just a comment on how difficult things can be when there are stepchildren involved.

Greatnan / absent

I wont go in to it as you knew my father's and my circumstances.
It would have been almost impossible for my father to get into another relationship.
Dad took the decision that he wanted me back in the parental home and I had altered my circumstances accordingly.

Frank

Some expats to France have run into very serious problems because of the way the 'Code Napoleon' dictates the inheritance rules. It is impossible to disinherit your children, even if you have not seen them for 40 years. This can cause trouble even where a couple just have shared children, but where one or both has children from a previous relationship it can be disastrous. If they get proper advice before they buy a house, they can put it into a sort of company trust, but many have not realised this and have been dumbfounded when they find an estranged child of their spouse is entitled to a big share of the estate.
It is now possible to leave a certain sum outside of your will to anybody you choose, but after that the rest follows a strict order.
This is another reason for me to move to New Zealand.

Sorting out financial affairs with a late-arriving partner does involve a lot more than deciding on wills. There are the nuts and bolts of living to deal with too – arguably more important than what happens once you're dead. This can be especially difficult if there is financial imbalance in the partnership for example. It can also be difficult if one partner had a profligate partner in the past. As we get older, we tend to get set in our ways. I married Mr absent when I was 48 and it took a very long time before I yielded at all over my total financial independence.

AS I live alone with no neighbours, I have thought seriously about what would happen in the event of my sudden death. Juragran knows my daughters contact number and would, I am sure, let her know. I must give Juragran's name and number to my concierge. I would not like my daughter to waste money on attending my cremation - she knows I have no belief in any afterlife and do not care what happens to my remains, other than to hope any useful bits can be donated.
I have already divided up thousands of photographs taken over 50 years and made two different sets of albums, one for each daughter containing all the photos of their own children. I have given them the albums and now my photos are all on line.
All my documents, bank accounts, tax returns, etc. are in separate folders in a plastic crate. Juragran has offered to deal with the sale of my flat if it is ever necessary. (What would I do without her?)
I will just have to stay alive until I emigrate - it would be too complicated if I died in France!

Flowerofthewest

I think it would be good if elderly people had a list of people to be contacted in the event of their death.
I lived with my father for over 8 years before he passed away.
To date I have had 6 people contact me saying they wished they had known and they would have liked to have come to his funeral.
Another thing I have done is keep my father's mobile phone and I check if people are trying to contact him.
Immediately after his death I checked it daily but I now check it once a week.
Nobody had tried to contact him on it since about September last year but somebody did last week.

Frank

Going off track a little again. A very very good friend of ours passed away last year. He lived on his own, a retired minister, his family only really contacted him sporadically, he used visit them 200 mile away when he was well. He has a very good and loyal friend, also a minister and his wife, who used to take him back and forth to hospital and who visited him every day and sat through the last days of his life.

When he had passed away the family turned up to 'clear' the house (which was rented) A skip was hired and almost EVERYTHING was thrown into the skip without thought that a friend or another member of the family would like a momento. Luckily the minister friend knew of the skip idea and turned up just in time to rescue a treasured coffee table (to which a story hangs) hundreds of books and photograph albums. The family were about to heave the lot into the skip. Also rescued were papers, letter and cards all of which his dear friend is trawling through to see if there is anyone who needs to know of this lovely man's death.

So sad, just wanted to get this off my chest. BTW we have been given the photos pertaining to our holidays with him as have members of his family who are in the photos.

I perhaps should mention that my oh is from the Far East where there is no culture of inheriting, everything is rented and therefore he finds the subject of inheritance, wills etc puzzling.
As we own a house each I would hope that eventually our children will inherit their own parents house but of course this would only be after we have both passed away.
Out of interest, if we were married, would these problems still occur on one or both of our deaths?

On a much lighter, not to say silly note, when absentdaughter and absent son-in-law were discussing whether to have another child – they already had four – absent son-in-law pointed out that I had only four investment properties so perhaps they ought to wait until I bought a fifth. They didn't wait and absentbaby is now one year old – but I now do have five investment properties.

My mum knows a couple who had to deal with this. They saw a solicitor and made wills which made bequests to their own children. The upshot is that if/when one of them die their children will inherit half the house but the remaining spouse will live there in perpetuity. Then when the second one dies the other children inherit that half of the house. The house will then be sold and the money shared between the two. Their wills also make bequests of money and other things like rings, watches, paintings etc.

Flower don't apologise. It was good to get it off my chest. I didn't realise how it all still annoyed me. None of us have said anything to her. My father who was very insightful sometimes was a bit insensitive at others. He burnt all his parent's family photos, while clearing out his parent's house. My poor aunt was not happy.

I don't have children so the question of who inherits what doesn't really apply. I have made Powers of Attorney and Wills leaving everything to be shared between my DH's nieces and nephews and my nieces and nephews (although when I mentioned this to my sister in law she said that she hoped I would spend everything before I went!)

Thanks for all your comments, it's very tricky isn't it? My OH is a widower and also has 4 adult stepchildren as well as his own children from his marriage to his late wife so his own property is his. However one of the adult stepchildren made a sort of jokey comment recently about inheritance which panicked me a bit!
I can see that I seriously need to broach the subject of making wills, although have tried before and my lovely, lovely OH is just so totally laid back and lives for the moment!
I totally agree with poster who said there is no right to inheritance. My elderly parents are beginning to need some care and if all money and assets are swallowed up by the cost of that so be it, they worked hard all their lives and it's theirs to spend.

I understand completely ~Faye, Just went off track a bit. sorry It does seem to get a bit messy in some cases I agree. And like you say it is not all about the money. There are some things I would want to pass on to my children, such a photographs etc. Not sure how these would be dealt out though. I suppose I was just focusing on the money aspect. I have friends whos children totally expect to be left a large sum of money, it just seems to be such an old fashioned way of thinking these days.

I knew I would be in trouble and

Flower it's not a case of the children expecting their parents to not spend their money and leave them an inheritance. Some of it is the situation of the parent's share going to the second spouse's children, who are not related. It is unfair and is exactly what my father has done because he didn't leave a will. Not at all what he wanted but even if he had left a will and his second wife sold the house to go into a retirement home his share would have been swallowed up. He had thought it out and talked about it, he also had shares to be left to his five children and his stepson after his death but none of us got them. He trusted my stepmother to carry out his wishes.

My step mother also sold items that belonged to both my parents, one they had both intended to be passed down to my brother. She also asked two of my children and one SIL to help her pack up when she had sold the house to move to a retirement village. When they were clearing out the garage they found Dad's old fishing rods and asked if they could have them and she asked my father's own grandchildren to pay for them. Dad would have been livid. A year after my father died I asked for a book my father had told me to take with me one day because I was reading it while I was at his house. It was a book of our ancestors and I stupidly didn't take it that day. When I asked for it she said she wanted to read it. Later she couldn't find it and I wont be able to get another copy. It's not a book about her ancestors. She had no regard that he was also our father.

It's not just about inheritance, it's about wanting your family to benefit and pass on family memories. I want my children to benefit from anything I have, I won't be forgoing holidays etc, but what is left after I die is for them.

Flowerofthewest

I have told my children to make sure that if they lend me any money to put a charge on the house, charge interest and to make sure it would take priority over any care fees.
Eventually my daughters will hopefully inherit my house anyway so the mortgage will not be of any practical effect.
Obviously if there is any doubt I will use equity release if necessary but I think this will be very unlikely.

Frank