I’m worn out and I really don’t think I’m not cut out to be a doting grandparent.

I am so glad to have found this group. I really thought I was the only one who felt this way. I was no prize raising my one children and am trying to be a good grandmother. I am finding it stressful!

Beth60,
This is similar situation to mine although I still do childcare twice a week, but heaven help me if I can't help out at other times or I want time to myself, I am the world's worst.

I feel the same as you. Im 53 I work 30 hours a week domiciliary carer. And I dont have any energy left i do my housework work and spend time with my family but I dont have any energy for babysitting etc. I go to bed each night exhausted. Its hard but I think hope my family understands

I've 4 adult youngsters and 4 grandchildren. Only one of my youngsters lives local. I do help out with childcare once a week and have them every other Saturday afternoon. They have 2 children who are 3 and 4.

From September I will only be needed in the holidays so I will have the grandchildren weekly on a Saturday afternoon

I share care with the other grandma I'm close too. We were both widowed young within a year of each other. She.lices in rhe same village as my eldest and DiL so does the school runs stuff.

It works for me! I have an active life so what I do is enough.

My other 3 youngsters live abroad. My daughter just had her first which has bought us closer. I visit yearly. Blessed today to have the tech we do but its not the same.

I have another grandson who lives in another county. My 2nd son and ex DiL split when he was very young so contact has always been limited. I don't think I can do more than I do.

I have my own health issues too. It's different for everyone. I wouldn't want to be anymore hands on than I am

Tezhar, could you please book a medication review?

you sound overwhelmed and the menopause might be at plat wrt to your regular meds x

I think you are very normal.

You haven't finished with your own children as even at uni they need help! Five is a lot of work, well done for that. Perhaps you need a generational break for a few years, to do your own thing(s). Otherwise it's out of the frying pan into the fire.

I think how much babysitting/child minding grandparents want to do is entirely down to their individual circumstances and how fit/healthy they feel and what other commitments/interests they have. I can quite understand the OP point of view, I imagine if I'd had had 5 children I would feel the same.

My husband often mentions that when he first became a father early 20s, if he asked his parents to occasionally look after the children bearing in mind they were youngish grandparents, they trotted out this "you had them you look after them" Absolutely their prerogative I know, but the way he relates that, it sounds as if they were wearing their intransigence as a badge of honour. They had a large house it wouldn't have killed them very occasionally to have had the first grandchildren stay over imo. There's no way I would want to surrender my life to being a full time grandparent, life moves on from when we were doing all the looking after young children ourselves, but neither would I want to come out with a flat "no" I like to help if I am able to, A balance between dropping everything and cancelling arrangements and an outright no way! is what I aim for.

jaylucy Your post read like an attempt at passive aggression and to undermine the OP.

There will be some that are desperate for some contact, any contact with their GC that may think that you are selfish but quite honestly, everyone has a right to the way that they feel.

The OP has had 5 children, with quite a big time spread.She says she is worn out and tired with what she is doing because, apart from anything else she has serious health problems and these limit what she can do. Comparisons with parents who are estranged from their children are completely irrelevant,. That some people have little contact with their children is quite irrelevant that some cannot cope with the amount of care expected of them because they are ill or just get tireder quicker or have no stamina.

This isn't a question of how the OP feels but of what she is physically capbale of doing.

^ you are just about to start a whole new part of your life, child free with no restrictions. Don't worry about what others think and just make sure that you explain to your family how you feel and why.^ Once again the OP has health problems and is already exhausted from what she does for her children. her own health and longevity are dependent on her not being involved in childcare.

GagaJo I am a bit surprised by your description of care in China. I know this is how it used to be, but after decades of a one child policy a generation has grown up used to the world revolving around them and they do not want children. pulitzercenter.org/stories/chinese-women-delay-starting-family

Yes, grandparents do provide child care, but I wonder whether the next generation will. Born as only children, Their children brought up by grandparents. Are they going to spend their later years caring for children - or give up high flying careers to do so?

China's retirement age is low, but the government are intent on changing it to ages similar to in the UK - and for the same reasons. When the ages were set, China's ife expectancy figures were very low, but like elsewhere life expectancy is increasing rapidly and they cannot afford the pensions.

Tezhar. Your feelings are completely normal and understandable given your difficult past and the bi-polar you suffer from. It is largely an invisible disability. Your children are relatively young and probably don’t fully understand what you have survived in life and still managed to bring them up well. You are absolutely amazing. Maybe try explaining it to them might help them not expect too much of you. It is definitely your time to live your own life now and enjoy whatever makes you feel good.

I lost my mum at 15 and brought up my 3 children with no support. My son was physically disabled and my husband worked all hours as we were very poor. I now look after my two grandsons while my daughter works full time. I am 64 and would not have chosen this amount of child care but if I didn’t, she would be working for nothing due paying childminders. I sometimes feel I’ve got the hard work at both ends of life but make the best of it and love my grandchildren to pieces. Also, I’d much rather have them than not have them, for sure. Social media also portrays all these gushy pics of doting grandparents but you never know how many are totally genuine. Take care and good luck Tezhar.

There will be some that are desperate for some contact, any contact with their GC that may think that you are selfish but quite honestly, everyone has a right to the way that they feel.
Having been a young mum, I can fully understand why you feel that you do - you are just about to start a whole new part of your life, child free with no restrictions.
Don't worry about what others think and just make sure that you explain to your family how you feel and why.
There seems to be an assumption that grandparents will automatically be happy to be often unpaid carers to their GC. If it works for them, all well and good but it isn't for everybody.

In China grandparents look after the GC while AC go back to work. I loved that model and determined that I would follow it. I do, but I also still work full time (from home). Combining full-time online work with full-time care for a 4 year old is challenging. Thankfully, he'll be at school all day from September.

The difference is, the Chinese retire much earlier, some at 50. And they have their children much younger, early to mid 20s. So they do only tend to be early 50s when grandparenting/childcaring. Leaving them their older retired years of mid 60s on free. Works very well.

Tezhar,

You must do what is right for you. It's not a crime to feel how you do about your AC and GC.
I'm afraid to many AC think it's Granny's duty to provide childcare which is wrong.
Look after yourself , your health is more important.

As a one-off emergency, I once looked after a 20 month old for much of a week, while the small baby was in ICU with a severe case of bronchiolitis - obviously dd needed to be with him as much as possible.

Gdd1 was a relatively very easy little girl, but I still felt like a wet rag by the time I finally got home (we don’t live around the corner, so I’d had to stay.)

I promptly succumbed to an absolutely stinking cold, followed immediately by shingles.
I still put that down to feeling so utterly wiped out. I was 69 at the time, which IMO is probably relevant.

I notice now that I haven’t got the patience or stamina, or dare I say, enthusiasm I had ten years ago, I don’t think my daughter realises I am now ten years older.

My son and his girlfriend are not very happy, I was great when I gave them free child care now I'm the worlds worst

This is an example of so many grans on here who are run ragged by the expectations of selfish adult children.

I can't believe the cheek of some of them - and it's a terrible way to treat their (ageing) parents. I think some of the problems stem from grans offering too much and setting the bar too high.

I've been looking after my granddaughter 2 days a week from 7 in the morning til 6 including travelling and to be honest I've been really struggling, I'm so tired, I got covid in March and still feel really run down, she's nearly 2 and a little angel but I got so physically exhausted I've had to take a step back. My son and his girlfriend are not very happy, I was great when I gave them free child care now I'm the worlds worst, I'm so upset but my health has to come first, they have help from the other granny too, she hasn't been well either, I think they're expecting to much were both in our 60s

Nansypansy
My in-laws said the same to me when our youngest was born, and they had retired.
I’d already decided on nursery, but they were always great in an emergency, I would never have taken them for granted.

When my first granddaughters were born they lived 200 miles away so regular child minding wasn’t an issue. Same applies to my Grandson who lived even further away. Then when my youngest son who lives locally produced grandchildren I listened to someone who said do not over volunteer for looking after them so I let them know in advance that I would be very happy to look after them on a regular basis one day a week only but that I would always be available in emergencies. This commitment has worked and been respected and still happens now they are 12 and 14 and I have thoroughly enjoyed it.

Pat yourself on the back for a job well done and put yourself first now.
I had my children at 22 and 24 and didn’t become a grandparent until I was 55 so had many years of doing what I wanted, when I wanted, (work commitments permitting) so I was totally ready to be involved in my grandchildren’s lives.
You haven’t had that break so no wonder you feel the way you do.
Don’t feel guilty, set your boundaries and enjoy your grandson, and any other grandchildren there may be, on your own terms.
Better to be honest than suffer in silence and feel resentful.
I wish you well with your health issues and do see if there is any help available for the menopause. Such a difficult time for so many ladies.

Yes I can appreciate that. “There but for the Grace of God ...”
x

Urmstongran
There’s nothing noble about it, people say they wouldn’t be able to cope, but it’s not like you can sit back and think about it, the phone call comes, and you welcome them all in, remembering that the children are confused and unsettled.
It’s not ideal, certainly not what I was expecting, but I’ve tried to make a happy home for them.

It seems so many grans are spinning plates. It can’t be easy. If life with a family throws you a curve ball unexpectedly it must be very difficult not to catch it. My heart goes out to those who cope with this.

poshpaws I think that was a lovely and empathetic post to Tezhar.
? for both of you. x