Moving in with daughter and son in law

Thank you so much for all of your replies. Yes we are indeed meeting with our solicitor to discuss the legal implications and we have a zoom call (how great is technology) with a financial advisor tomorrow so hopefully we can get their professional advice and opinion. Apologies but I forgot to mention that the annex does indeed have its own kitchen, own utility room, own lounge, own shower room and own double bedroom; overall it would give us a footprint slightly larger than that of our own ground floor as it tags a double bedroom onto that. My description of a converted garage was perhaps misleading as the annex was converted from a very large double garage (which fitted two large 4x4s with space either side) which was then double extended backwards into the rear garden so its by no means pokey. Fortunateky my D and SIL are lucky enough to have very large gardens to the front, side and rear of their property so we would still have our much loved and lately much needed outside space. During this horrid lockdown we quickly realised just how lucky we are to have a garden, so we would never wish to give up an outside space and luckilly for us our D and SIL's home has a garden we can use as our own- but without all the maintenence work lol. We have stayed over at their home many times but as a lot of people say this is different as this is a permanent move so lots to consider ie hold onto our home for a year or 2 to see how things go, we could rent that out etc. Yes we still like to think we are young but as some have said we would prefer to move whilst we are still fit and active so that we can leave our home on our own terms and not have a move forced upon us down the line. Our Ds home is only 5 miles from our own so we would be moving into the same area with all of our favourite places to visit and our regular weekly clubs etc still on our doorstep. Thank you all for the replies you have given, there's certainly a lot to mull over. Thank you from us both.

My brother and sister in law, took in her widowed mother when she was only in her 50's, and each time they moved they ensured they could build a nice, separate annexe for her. My SiL found it difficult having her mother so very close, When they had an adjoining door, her mother would just wander into the main house at any time - until my SiL had a large, heavy cupboard moved in front of that.

If I visited my SiL (with whom I got on with very well and often did), if I did not also go to visit her Mum, then she got very upset about it.

Game to a horrific climax when they made their final move, downsized, although to a detached four-bedroom house, no separate annexe, so Mum (now with alzeimers), had to live in with them.

Within a couple of months, my SiL was at the point of total breakdown, with trying to look after her mum - Mums condition had been worsened by the move and she kept asking when she could 'go home'.

Eventually breaking point got past, and they managed to get the Mum into a home. So sad and such a pity.

I gave my daughter the proceeds of the sale of her grandmother's house to help with her mortgage. Then her husband was unfaithful, she is getting divorced and he is entitled to half of it!

I have already had that suggestion ie that we combine and get a bigger house with an annexe. I said a very kindly `thanks but no thanks` You see it all the time on escape to the country, combining cash to get mum a tiny annexe. I expect that mum also provides the bulk of money

Absolutely no way, it muddies the water too when it comes to future care and also the will and inheritance. Not to discount the loss of freedom, which is also top of my list

Welcome to Gransnet.
You have had a great mix of opinions here and some good advice. Best of all is the advice to get specialist advice on the legal, financial and tax situations. Sometimes on these boards people give incorrect information, which can mislead.
Things to think about are IHT, gifts with reservation, paying market rent etc.
If you are ever going to need state benefits, or may need care help or go into a home, consider potential deprivation of assets.
Your children Need to take separate advice too.

Do come back and let us know in due course what you decide.

Personally that sort of decision is not one I would consider until I am on my own and much older, in poorer health.

This is such a personal decision AlPam people can only advise or tell you of their own experiences. I wondered about the kitchen as well, that is the one place where things may become fraught if its a shared space.
I agree with BlueBelle I wouldn't want my children to feel they had to act as carers if I became incapacitated. Your family of course may feel prepared for this.
Grannyben's sad story is a salutary one, none of us know what is around the corner.
I would be more inclined to downsize closer to my family than share.

My youngest daughter and her husband lived with me in my home for 10 years while they saved for a deposit for their own home. They had their 2 girls in that time. Early in 2019 they started looking for a house but they wanted me to move with them. I am widowed, 72 and in average health. We have our ups and downs but taken all in all get on very well. I sold my house and moved with them. I gave my 2 sons and 2 daughters the bulk of their inheritance at that time. It gave me a lot of pleasure being able to see them put that money to good use. I now have my own sitting room and bedroom in a ground floor extension and share the kitchen. My door is never closed as I like the closeness of family but I have that choice. I don't have the financial worry of maintaining this house. I pay my share of the domestic bills but live here free as they lived free with me whilst they saved their deposit. This arrangement would not work for everyone but I consider myself very fortunate to be living my retirement years in this set-up.

So long as you are living separately from them and not infringing on their privacy and family life, then fine.

My paternal grandma lived with my aunt and uncle or rather the othe4 way round My aunt doted on her, consequently my gran did nothing for herself she was ‘ looked after’ from a very young age ( sixties) consequently my memories of her is her just ‘sitting‘ and being told ‘I ll get that mum’ where as my memories with my other Nan is shopping, going on trains, buses, Nan ran a small boarding house and I helped change the beds on a Saturday and stand by the front door saying bye bye to the visitors and hoping for a tip for the ‘dear little girl’

My sister moved in with her son and DIL three years and they are all very happy! Just posting this because sometimes it does work out well . Also, success at communal living depends on the personalities involved.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

A converted garage from a 3 bed house with garden. No thanks.
I also know of people who successfully have moved into a granny annexe. It did not work well for either party when my mum moved into a flat within our house. We lasted 3 years but I was stuck in between a demaning parent and equally demanding children.
We got on much better when she moved out and into her own place.

I agree 75 seems youngish, but perhaps the time to make changes is when you are still pretty active. So many older people leave it until they are just too old to make a new start, and physically unable to do it themselves.

You're right, Calendargirl but that seems to be a drastic move for a couple in their mid-70s in great health.
If they intended to travel a lot it could be a good idea but that's not possible just now.

I certainly wouldn’t, not because I don’t love my kids but because I do love them I don’t want any of them to have to “look after me” spoiling there own lives, and it can became a huge burden on their shoulders if either of you become mentally or physically ill and are on their doorstep I would NEVER put this on my kids shoulders
But each to his own if it’s suits you all

But I am curious are you the wife or the husband ? Al or Pam ?
As you are only 75 (same as me) and in good health why have you stopped doing your own shopping and ‘living‘ 75 seems so young to me

Could you keep your own house and rent it out and that way things can be reversed if the situation changes?

I think it would be wise to consider all eventualities; even the ones you're sure could never happen.

I’d be climbing the walls.

I wouldn't- as much as I love them. What happens if anything happens to your daughter, and your sil starts another relationship/re-marries? I know of one case where this happened and the result was a total disaster. And another case where livign so close, and for the parents to be in a limited space- to end up in very tense relationship.

Certainly get serious legal advice.

As this is such a big step I would strongly advise that you get legal advice to discuss the outcome in all eventualities. These are uncertain times when it is even more important to ensure that you are acting in the interests of all concerned. A good solicitor would give you peace of mind before making a final decision.

Can I please advise caution. 10 years ago, my husband and I were in a similar position. Our children had left home and we looked at my mum moving into our home (it was him who originally raised the discussion). She absolutely thought the world of her son in law but, decided against. The following year, after a very long and seemingly happy marriage my husband left and forced the sale of our home. My mum would have been facing homelessness, as did I. Had I been asked, the previous year, I would have laughed at the thought this scenario was even possible.

Recently, lovely neighbours had her unwell mother living with them. It worked extremely well for over 5 years but, last year, the daughter unexpectedly died from pneumonia leaving the husband and mother in law together. The husband has now started seeing another woman and the mother in law has found herself unable to cope with the situation. At the end of her life and, in ill health, she is now looking for a new home.

Obviously any move you make may end up wonderfully well but, none of us know what is round the corner.

Callistemon

Does it have its own kitchen?
That is most important.

75 seems rather young to be considering this unless you are both in poor health.

What will you do all day?

Yes Callistemon I wondered
about the kitchen, as no mention is made of one.
I agree 75 seems youngish, but perhaps the time to make changes is when you are still pretty active. So many older people leave it until they are just too old to make a new start, and physically unable to do it themselves.
The money aspect needs thinking about though, death, divorce, things can change down the line.
What seemed a perfect scenario might not be in years to come.
Sorry to sound all doom and gloom, but got to be realistic.

My friend’s mother lived with them and it worked well. They respected each other’s privacy and even the toddler was taught to knock on Nanny’s door and not fuss if she didn’t answer.

Didn’t do so well for another family. Grandma insisted on having the mid section of the house and questioned everyone passing her door. I knew her well but the teenagers got fed up with the inquisitions. They started to grate (probably on each other) and it wasn’t a happy set up.

You seem to have thought things through carefully and it would be easier for your family if either of you need care at a later stage but it would be sensible to put the house money to one side until you have lived together for at least a year so you have a way out in case the unexpected happens.

You’ll need professional advice about the financial side and possibly some kind of legal advice in case something unforeseen happens.

Do you both drive/have outside interests and friends? Does the flat have any outside space, I’d really miss that having had a garden. Couldn’t comment on the financials as I’m not qualified.
Maybe try staying there for a few trial periods before you commit?

Does it have its own kitchen?
That is most important.

75 seems rather young to be considering this unless you are both in poor health.

What will you do all day?

Speak to lawyers about possible consequences, DHs younger daughter has just had her mother move in, they are going to extend the house they bought jointly last year, they got lots of advice about their legal position before they went ahead.

I would definitely consider moving in with two as you get on so well. However the proceeds of your house I would keep in a special account for a little further r down the road just as an insurance policy that everything is working well and you can then decide to give them something in the near future also you could keep A little for yourselves for any future expenses needed.