Black Dog 30

Good weeding there, as it's been better as it's cooler. I bet you'll enjoy finding suitable toys for LG now she is getting bigger.

Yes, the police reality shows aren't late night best viewing. Not a wise penpal choice there in your dream.

The picture is my Sketcher collection, the bootees at the top are Sketcher too (wonderful comfy and style) and there is one more pair of blue ones not in the photo. No laughing at the back there.

Oh dear- lost my messages again. Ah well here goes.
EllieAnne Its not surprising you're are dreading the long drive down to your DDs- its such a long way. I hope perhaps youve seen some friends today if you attended church. Do they realise how thi gs are right now with your DH poorly and how you're feeling. If theres just one friend who you can trust I hope you can speak openly to for some support. You are not self pitying - you have very real worries and concerns right now.
So glad son is helping with the safety handles on the stairs. Do keep coming in and sharing.
HVDY Thankyou for acknowledging the 2lbs but it seems not a lot for the efforts. Why is it so easy to put it on but so damn hard to get rid of. Its going to be a long haul. Im trying to diet like yourself though I hadn't been counting the calories of the grapes and bargain cherry punnet from Aldi that Ive been snacking on!

How's everyone else been? It's really windy here and overcast. DH and I did some weeding of the front garden, and we're going to watch a film soon that Son1 recommended. I'm looking forward to "Ebenezer" being released in November - Johnny Depp has the lead role.

Wyllow3 Watching a horror film at night probably isn't a good idea. I had a dream that I had a penpal (male) and was planning to meet him, but that he'd been in prison for a violent crime! Too much watching 24 hours in Police Custody and the likes .

ScaredyCat I eat a lot of fruit anyway - strawberries, bananas (if not very ripe), grapes, plums, satsumas and pears - all every week. Not apples, as they give me heartburn. I'm no longer pre-diabetic, so I'm pleased about that. Those cooling mats are good for dogs, but cats will do what they want! I sorted through LG's toys and books, and I'll look for stuff to replace them. Charity shops and Amazon are good. Hope your daughter's father-in-law makes a good recovery. Perhaps they'll be persuaded to have carers to help a bit? 92 is a big age. Glad your friend is home now. Nothing like one's own bed and surroundings.

Well, if the cool mats don’t suit the boys - you could always take advantage of them yourself, Scaredycat?

But oh dear - yes, for you at the moment it is one dear one after another suffering. 92 is a good age to be managing home alone but oh so vulnerable. Do they have help already? I hope he will be comfy soon and gets the best help he can in hospital and stays in the best sprits possible. I imagine that DD and SiL will be visiting a lot, is it far away?

That is hard for your friend with dementia’s son - and so loving: I hope he can reach for help if it becomes really needful.

But I am so very glad your hospitalised friend is home. What a relief for her. I hope you find her well tomorrow and some clarity about her treatment.

I hope you have been doing some nice things for you amongst all this sorrow xx

I havent been out today. More than a little residual anger why I am so tired most of the time because of one mans actions and a stupid woman’s pressure on me in accusing me of invention.

8 B*** months when it should have been dealt with in 4 or 5 weeks. I need up having a nice long shower and pottering ordering bits and bobs I need on Amazon like a proper sunhat with ties under the chin, gardening gloves and so on - then I went onto Facebook to catch up..and found someone I knew long ago who was my first live in boyfriend had passed in 2021.

Its beginning to happen, I realise, I’m not a spring chicken anymore….time to get real - but the tiredness is also hampering other things - a backlog of some hospital appointments that I have put off as too tired and so on (as I wanted to do something nice for me instead!)

..an old loved friend who lives about 1.25 hours away from I’d promised to drive over and see, and so on...missing Q this morning and chats.

But yes, family first. Often too tired to ring in the evening.

Hope to see you others in soon, back later.

Hi all
HVDY- At least in the Summer there’s lovely fruit to help with weight loss - well done with the 2 lbs . You’re really good and strong willed aren’t you.
Ah that’s a sad thing to hear your Brother say- showing his true feelings.
Pub lunches are good. You do some lovely things with your family . We have 2 good pubs on our village green and they are always heaving.
Having a sort out always makes you feel good doesn’t it, then I bet you get some more stuff after a while😀
I got our boys a cool mat each- will they lie on them- will they *………!!
EllieAnne- Pity Party NOT!!
You just need to share how you feel. Have you talked with your friends about your current dilemma ? The trouble is when we get older many of us have problems and some people have no empathy with others.
It,ll be safer for you when Son1 can put up the handles. A good idea.
So you’re coming down South- it,ll be warm for you but maybe you,ll be able to take advantage of the better weather when you are here.
SweetPeaSue- 2ibs is a good amount to have lost- slow and steady is better than overdoing it and getting fed up.
Fluffball is a good exercise buddy. Just a little more movement everyday will help. Have you thought about Ice lollies? They are cooling but just frozen juice.
You,ve known the Book lady a long time so should feel relaxed and comfortable in her company.yes it was nice to see my friend and her Son. She has dementia and he is her full time carer. Her condition is different as she knows who we are and our families but her short term memory is non existent. He looks worn out but wants to look after her.
Doodle- Glad Gen is improving - she is obviously a well loved member of your family.
My friend came home yesterday and is much happier. I,ll see her tomorrow.
I can understand you feeling as you do on seeing DH name on things . He will never be forgotten with that lovely family of yours and I for one like all of us here won’t forget him either.
Hope you,ve had a pleasant Church Day.
Wyllow- Oh what a typo!!! Good job it wasn’t an important letter!
Skechers have made all our lives more comfortable- the slip in ones are great. Just miss the pretty shoes.
Your post telling us more about your times of illness are inspiring to read - you have overcome much. You seem to be gaining more insight into your own feelings and thoughts for the future.
Seeing your family a bit more frequently will sustain you I think
You are combining nice gentle days with active social ones - all good.

This morning we woke to the news that my DD and SiL had spent the night at the Hospital as his Dad had fallen and fractured his hip.Thank goodness he had one of those alarms so was able to get help.He and his wife are both nearly 92 and still live in their own home. When my DD last texted he still hadn’t got a bed!!!!!!
Whatever next it seems like it’s one thing after another

Sending love to all and wishing you peaceful nights.

Two hours more sleep put matters to rights. Lazing around on GN with some light washing up.

We've had rain overnight and maybe more today 🙂 but the sun is out right now and the garden twinkly with droplets. If you live down South you are less likely to get it which is bad news for London rellies whose grass is all dried out.

and yes its windy too, fresh.

That was a busy but nice day there, HVDY. It's a great idea to have a toy and book sort out. (It's needed for my family, but the scale is so very great!) have a good potter and sort out day.

I had such a horrible nightmare I got up early and actually googled the meaning which helped.

And it's absolutely clear to me that under a unit of wine is all I must have. (googled that too and my meds - alcohol is total no no in a very specific way). Probably watching a murder thriller last thing at night was not ideal 😳

Just a Quaker Zoom today I think.

Wyllow3 You have dealt with a lot of depression and have come a long way. I remember the days when you said you hadn't showered or done anything all day. Now, you go shopping, to Costa, the park, the gym, etc. Koko as you used to say.

SweetpeaSue 2lbs is good. I've also lost 2. I'm finding it impossible to do the shakes, so I'm just trying to eat sensibly and not have snacks (or at least count them in calories for the day).

Doodle I'm glad the dog seems to be improving. Poor thing, I hope she's back to normal very soon. Having an ill but much-loved pet is so worrying. They are very much part of the family. My brother also says he wakes up some mornings and forgets, for a minute, that his wife died. It must be very difficult.

EllieAnne Glad your son is going to do that job for you. Does he know about his dad not being well?

Had a pub lunch with Son1 and his girls yesterday. Then LG came here for tea, bath and a play whilst her parents were feeding penguins at a zoo . Not doing much today but will have a sort out of books and toys, get rid of the ones LG doesn't use. It's sunny but very windy here x

Can you watch catch up on your I pad, EllieAnne? What sort of stuff do you like? I'm playing music atm but going to watch another episode of Granite City - police/thriller type... but you can access ITV and channel 5 online?

I thought you might be low, as you haven't been in. When I was low they said "check in now and then" and I feel the same about you. I'm glad son 1 is helping you out. Does he know how DH is health wise? They are so busy at that age with jobs and family.

I'm so sorry it's been one way with your friends. You are clearly such a good listener. some people don't stop to think, "how is the person I'm talking to?"
Do any of them know your current dilemmas re DH and health?

PS it is not a pity party. I "read it" as a sharing one on a very tough week. thats the thought in your head, "I'm not worth it" and you are.

Thank you sweet pea sue. I’m really very low.
Son 1 has had to borrow dh car so I will have to take him to hospital appointment this week.
Been feeling a bit let down with friends this week I think I said.
I’ve supported them through a lot but they are not concerned about me and still talk constantly about their problems. I’m not unsympathetic but it would be nice if they cared about me.
Sorry pity party.
Son 1 was over about car so I asked him about putting up something to help me on the stairs now that I have no handrail.
He said no problem so I will get the handles and he can put them up when he has time.
Still dreading the trip down south but trying not to think about it.
Wyllow keep posting all you want.look how far you have come.
Tv is awful tonight.

Today has been a day of gym as well as Costa - nice chats, low key, not rushed. Spot on.

That is good dog news, Doodle. What a welcome she'll get. How old its she, btw?

I get it - that, "I must tell"....then the whhmfpf

I'd forgotten that in detail Doodle. You all did spot on. 🫶

Scaredycat You really made us all laugh with that-- so naughty! Oh dear - a pushchair for 3 - how on earth did you manage that onto a bus - youd need to be an octopus. The friend from book group isnt really new - she has been in our group for about 14yrs now though we haven't met many times outside of it. Shes a smart lady and caring.
Hope you enjoyed your time with your friend and son at the pub yesterday.
Doodle So glad about your son's dog.Hope he continues to recover. He'll ( might be a she, sorry) be over the moon to be back with the family when he comes out.
Ah ,I see about that post for your DH. I remember thinking g I must tell mum about such n such for long after she passed. It must be so hard for you every day. Xx
Wyllow I had been moving a bit more with having Fluffball so much but maybe it takes a while to kick-start metabolism. I wouldnt care - but Ive been ignoring persistent, relentless calls from Ben and Jerry's in the freezer too!
EllieAnne Hope you're OK.

Optimistic news from vet. DGSs dog might be allowed home tomorrow is she continues to improve. Fingers crossed she’s ok.
HVDY I love those episodes too. The banter between Mortimer and David Mitchell is great. Did you see the one about tearing and apple apart with his bare hands?
Oh I can imagine you had loads of high heels. Polka dot ones. Wow never seen them. I saw DS1 during the week but won’t see he others because they are busy with the dog.
Wyllow it’s an interesting story. Thank you for sharing with us. You can always write it out here. That’s what we’re here for to help each other. I can remember the time when we used to beg you just to write hello every day so that we knew you were around.
Sweetpeasue unlike a lot of people I am actually happy to see DH’s name on things. Makes me feel he’s not forgotten. What upset me really was the few seconds where I thought “must tell him it’s here”
2lb is good. Talking it slowly helps. I haven’t lost any weight in months. Just seem to be the same no matter what I eat.
Scaredycat you h seem to have inadvertently given us all a laugh 🤣 Your prayer might have helped. dGS dog is a bit better.
Any news from your friend in hospital? Did she get her blood test? Another warm day here. Hate to think how much electricity I’ve spent on fans this summer,

Aw that was disappointing, Sweetpeasue. Dont give up tho - a few pounds can be on or off if you've drunk a lot of water or having a stuck tum day. Every pound matters and the real struggle is to change your eating habits which I know you are trying really really hard with.
Its especially hard at our ages to lose weight unless you move around a lot, diet alone is a tough one but you dont have a choice.

BTW have you tried the Jasmin iced tea in Costa? Mmmm lovely, cheaper than coffee unless you need that energy boost.

Wyllow Its quite alright . All of us here understand that need to 'talk' . It helps all to know we can talk when we need to x

Wyllow When you look back on those times of being very ill indeed you must realise just how far you have come on since then. Youve been through some pretty awful stuff anf you have come out the other side with such self awareness and the psychotherapy has obviously helped a great deal. I think ' looking back' is extremely difficult thing to do and could even be damaging if youve no support. Theres certain things Ive blocked ,due to it being detrimental , and I instinctively know going over it wont help ( I only went so far with psychologist and he didnt push me on some stuff). Its so hard being without special ones you have loved and on that, Im so glad you are friends with your ex husband. Going forward ,with your self- knowledge, is the way and you never know , there could be another special person out there for you . You have made some lovely friends which can make a difference to life. I' m glad I came here too - a place to be believed when certain others let me down.
Doodle Hope youve had a good day today. How is the German Shepherd coming along ? I really hope hes recovering from the surgery. Pets are so important to their owners and they become part of their family. Sorry about that harsh reminder of the magazine addressed to your DH - it must have been a shock seeing post to him and came after being distracted a little with company ,though I know you think of him throughout the day and he will always be with you.
Its been warm here today but hope its not too bad for you.
HVDY It must have been so nice to open your eyes and see Jaffa looking at you like that. A little reminder of how much he cares for you ,even when you're not aware and asleep. What a collection of high heels . My middle sis still wears them ( even minis !) . I wish my feet had been different - another genetic thing like early grey hair. My toes all go outward from the large toe so always needed broad toe room.
Can't believe it ! Weigh in today and only lost 2lbs! So disappointed.

Back later.
Seems like phone is ok today unless it was GN glitch.

Sorry folks just wanted to write about it not take over the thread. Things sort of are what they are, and we all have a narrative that has brought us to this point, all as valid.

BTW, those 6 months, after I had started to feel better, I probably learnt more in my life than anywhere else previously. All conditions: multicultural: living side by side: I was the only middle class person for 2 months yet was accepted: ("prison rules" you don't "shop" each other);
learn learn, learn about conditions and backgrounds - a university of life really. I became useful as the one who could write letters or interpret medical lingo and learnt how to stand up for myself and take a joke wryly. There is a camaraderie and gallows humour.

Sadly, all gone - wards are now for the very, very ill indeed, very high risk, sectioned (I never was, I knew I was ill!) and so on. I feel quite strongly politically about MH post the cuts, just trying to help people I encounter - but knowing resources are slim.

Morning all, its sunny with a very fresh breeze here and I had a long sleep.

the "big Breakdown" was 2002 HVDY when as it were the "chickens came home to roost big time. I have been in the Mental Health system ever since: the first few years were the worst, as the people I was under were crap, to put it lightly. but subsequently I have had on off severe bouts - probably the worst was the one where you all know me first.

Initially never out of a the clinical depression until 2006 when I got a good psychiatrist and had 6 months as an inpatient (when hospitals had the time and space to give real support, but 6 months was a "special placement" to see if long stays helped instead of it being a revolving door.

But circumstances then led to the break up of my first marriage as first Ex had been unable to cope - joint troubles coinciding- we get on great now.

But a wonderful wonderful intervention - I had 6 years, yes 6 years psychotherapy, the deep sort, actually on the NHS from 2008 to 2014. that changed my life forever. What it did was give me the tools to understand myself: after that, it's putting them into practice and learning bit by bit.

How to be with others, what triggers are, stuff like rumination and reflection, more insight into ones past and its lessons and so on.

Fast forward, another depression and hospital, until 2011 when I met the EX I refer to. the first few years were glorious: too much so, as unknown to me he was actually quite bi polar 1 (the sort where people get really manic and do quite crazy and dangerous things - hidden so well).

But underneath he needed to be in control. We have lots of examples in GN of living with people who are controllers, who deny ones very existence in order to try and get what they want, but can be charming to the outside world.

Fast forward: another major depression whilst with him: he had a major episode I saw him through as it was relatively mild (but I saved him losing his job), it was my knowledge of the MH system that helped.

Then the control and his gaslighting came to a head in the next manic episode 2022 and he refused to take meds. A horrific break up year - I wont detail it, just that in the end I had to divorce for my safety and to be very strong in the face of police onto him, being Safeguarded by SSD against him, threats of suicide, the lot.

At the end of that year I whizzed around rather high trying to decide if I wanted to move up to be nearer my family, to move to a flat, whizzed and whizzed until ^inevitably the loss of this man I had loved so very very much initially -tbh, more than any before - having to "take against him"...

and thats when I had the depressive crash BUT came onto GN and you lot helped me out so very much.....

came out of it last June last year and that was them time when I was talking about Mr Costa and so on..

Until October when I was assaulted...no wonder it had such a powerful effect after what had gone before!!!.

So it sort of feels I am now starting over learning to be alone and make the most of it not knowing if there will be someone else or this is it...and I think have reached a place I never have before as regards that.

Thus endeth the sermon...

ScaredyCat I used to have high heels in different colours - red, blue, polka dots, navy and black. I gave them all away. I love Sketchers. I've got 4 pairs now. They're so comfortable, aren't they? Plantar Fasciitis is inflammation of the tissue that goes from the toes to the heel of the sole. I had to have 10 weeks off work when I first had it (I used to drive a lot for work) Oh, your daughter's doll in the toilet . Little children do some funny things. Did you go to your village pub? How was your friend? Did your other friend manage to go home from hospital?

Doodle You had a good day, with friends, and then the magazine arrived . That naturally made you sad. Are you seeing family this weekend?

Wyllow3 I like Would I Lie to You, particularly the episodes with Bob Mortimer. He's so funny and tells such interesting tales, almost too bizarre to be true. The relationship with your ex and the end of it has affected you a lot, hasn't it? I expect you had counselling after your breakdown. Didn't it help?

Probably seeing Son1 and his girls later, and then LG will be here for tea, bath and sleep. Parents are off out for the evening. Hope everyone has a decent day x

Look forward to seeing you in then, Sweetpeasue.

And from others we havent seen recently.

I watched the BBC show "would I lie to you" for the first time for years.

I realise how very much I still avoid that triggers memories of Ex. Whole loads of stuff. Places I cant go to.

At the beginning there were several years of so much happiness - and he lives just 5 miles away and its not possible to reach a sort of understanding, acceptance of good things, like all wiped out. (and not being told by his family about his mums death, and we were close)

Its obviously not like a death, but there is grieving to do as I was only just working on getting through and processing that whole period from 2011 and understand what went wrong.

(I used just to block all loss out, you see, and that was a major factor in my 2002 total breakdown). One has to find a balance.

This is 3rd time of trying and lost other messages so just a v quick one. Phone keeps freezing and wont respond. Read all your posts. Difference between rumination and reflection v interesting.
Saw the typo * Wyllow* Made me laugh too.
Phone stopping again. Try tomorrow.xx

Oh Scaredycat you accidentally made me laugh. Look at a towards the end of your post and putting the toys in the toilet and shutting the door. Except for the typo.

I don't feel sad about Sketchers at all. I was born to love them. all summer I used to wear those Clarks sandals with two straps and flat, and in the winter stuff like suede bootees. Or "Mary Jane" flats or boots for work if it snowed.

I'm glad you don't have toxic people in your life currently, Doodle. I'm too slow to recognise them... I like to believe the best in people for my own comfort I guess until it hits me.

Poor wee dog - part of the family, clearly. Oh, that magazine arriving - what a trigger. Especially difficultly after a nice day. I wish your church did something like Zooms in the evening - it's at the right time for quite a few there really. (ie recently or not long ago years wise bereaved or alone)

In the end about 2pm I upped and went to the Park determined to get a longish walk in after the foolish jumping incident at the gym. Leg better now. I did one hour 10 mins along the path by the river. so lovely - peaceful in bits, people watching in others. Then a cooling iced coffee there. I had to do the big shop and was silly enough to wander into TU before foodie shopping and found a blouse that was just right. Nice and loose and cool. I thought about my family and longed to see them its two weeks now and nervous about DiL welcome and being too tired yet...

Back later, Zoom tonight if I go.