Black Dog 30

It's hot and I feel very tired after a long - but good day yesterday. I was supposed to take the car to the garage and walk back. 9am. No way. Changed it!

I decided to at last tackle the sewing heap. Got one garment done, reluctantly put not brilliant charity and other bargain buys as mistakes in the charity bag.
Second one, wrestling with a pretty skirt I am keeping but altering, I pricked my finger and got blood on it...dunk, clean, dripping, outside.

How is everyone?

See you tomorrow both and other reading xx

Thankyou so much Wyllow and Doodle x

Sorry all didn’t get in till 8pm and been out and busy all day. I’m exhausted and will post more tomorrow.
Sweetpeasue now wonder you’re stressed. What now you must be thinking. I do think you need to say you want a face to face with your GP to discuss grave concerns about your husband treatment and what’s going on. Present it as you have here. Matter of fact and to the point. Hope you get somewhere,

I wrote a long post last night with my usual comments.

And never pressed Post Message.

Duh. Yesterday needed up a lovely and actually quite long walk in the park and collecting a best ever red skirt from M n S with a comfy shirred waist.

I get my Sketchers on Amazon.

I did thank HVDY for super advice on DiL’s. The children are mostly on their devices: sadly it has been that way as parents have had to spend 60% parent time on my disabled DiL. Having said that, ironically Covid meant that for that period they were home schooled and lots of parent input: they are now 14.12.10.8

The problem one is youngest and its catching his concentration…I’ve never known them sit down with board games an never family charades…for some time.

I can spend a long time with L very disabled tho, cuddles, little songs. She is hard to understand she has a sort of part ability to speak clearly ie and the family sometimes need to interpret.

Scaredycat you being a good listener goes without saying….I hope you do have friends to open up to

- OTOH, you have a very close and extended family and a sis on the phone (as I do). You know we will always “hear”.
As regards your friend with the hip, it looks as good as it might be, the operation going well, the close enough family, the care package. But I’m aware what you say - the more we age, the more likely we are to have people struggling around us too, and its a reminder of our own vulnerability, and if we are fortunate, what is precious.

That is a sign you are thought of and loved Sweetpeasue but oh the temptations of that there Choc shop.
That is so very upsetting about DH. You are very right to press for help and get anything checked out.

DH maybe doesn’t want what he may need: “more fuss”I think a lot of people get fed up and prevaricate…being an ostrich isn’t the answer. You are getting very good about summarising the medical situation and who to go to. Get it all written down in summary for Thursday, even if you don’t get a F2F highlight the immediate concern. And please - don’t forget 111 or even A and E.
I’m not being dramatic, just practical. For you both. Only they can decide whether it’s intervention or observation.

On the thread as regards anti’s and heat effects after reading the thread I looked into it fully. It is not mentioned as a common nor even an “1 in 100” side effect. But the link appears to be that many MH meds including my mood stabiliser dehydrate us more than normal therefore…the obvious -dizzy, short of breath, et al and the ansi appears to be water water water an difnecessary additional help against dehydration.

I notice it very quickly being yoga body aware and a sit down and a long slow drink but also deep deep calming breaths and concentration when walking is focus on “feet firmly awareness on ground step by step”

It’s so lovely to read about your day with LG, HVDY. It certainly is a lovely window to read of childhood happiness and funny words and water pistols 😊 and no wonder you are tired out but love has been there in its most innocent form.

Well today was quite remarkable. I met QuakerL the sensible one this morning for a coffee and we did talk the whole business over. And some questions to me “why did you” etc etc to put to bed.

It’s not over as QuakerD has real “stuff” atm and her interactions with me are by no means the only ones.

I explained yellow rock to her.

Then I went to the gym (feeling dizzy 🙄) but it was cool and focussing on breath etc.

I had a long cup of coffee at the end with a acquaintance which was not tiring a good sign they are low key.

Love to all, and the missing ones today. KOKO xx

HVDY Aw glad you had a nice day. Our DGS used to like thise kind of snacks when he was little. LG will remember a of these little outings Im sure.
Thanks for kind words.
Doodle * EllieAnne*Wylliw
Hope you're all OK.

ScaredyCat Some ADs affect people in that way. I suppose it's best to have cool drinks regularly, have ice lollies, and stay out of the heat if possible. We all need to do those things anyway. Glad your SIL's dad has had his operation ok. He'll need to recover now. It's good that he and his wife have got a lot of support at home. It's lovely that you just bumped into your GDs like that. I wish our Son1 and his family lived this side of town (they're only 8 miles away though).

SweetpeaSue You were right all along about your husband's pain. I think it's awful that you have to keep fighting for people to listen and for things to be done. I really hope someone takes notice and actually helps your husband. Poor man, he's been through so much.

Lovely day with LG. The animals were lazing about a lot (I don't blame them), but she enjoyed seeing them. We had our food under a big tree. LG loves carrot sticks, cucumbers (she says "Cubbubbers), and all kinds of fruits. She played in the sandpit (we always take a bucket and spade). When we got back, she played with a watering can and some water pistols. She went at 5.15. We're worn out . x

HVDY Your DH sounds like mine - mine says would you like to go the this specialist chocolate shop if were passing. They just want to please dont they.

Hope youve had a lovely day out with LG at the farm park and there was somewhere in the shade for picnic.
Scaredycat Glad your SILs dad has had his op now and all went well. Not good having to wait all weekend for bed though. Yrs, the beans have lots of pretty red flowers on them- we're going to be full of beans alright.

Ive been beside myself since yesterday.
DH has had a pain in his chest, not angina , sice a few weeks after the subclavian stent put in just before Christmas in York. Hes mentioned it to the follow up cardio nurse who said it didnt sound heart related ( we knew it wasnt) to the Vascular surgeon in the final follow up apt ( he said it couldn't be the stent) and to Rheumatologist a couple of mths ago. He pressed on right where it was - DH nearly jumped out of his chair- and said it was muscular and referred DH to pain clinic for injections.
DH told them it was there all the time and he could draw a circle around the exact spot. He told GP too.
Sorry to go on but if you remember when way back other GP thought breathlessness was lungs and sent him to Respiratory Dr a couple of yrs back - they found benign lung nodules that just needed follow up.
DH went for the CT scan to check them a couple of weeks ago- theyre fine not grown.
DH got feedback on his NHS app yesterday. Radiologist sent results back to Respiratory Dr and Respiratory Dr has sent the results straight to Vascular dept. Evidently the stents put in the Subclavian artery in November have projected 2 centimeters into the aortic arch! Ive googled it and its serious.
You'll remember that the Vascular dept dismissed the Subclavian Steal twice which is why we had to go private. Ive no faith in them- if they just get the results of the CT and do t think its caused pain - it has! they might think its well to leave alone. From what Ive read ( 'Subclavian Artery stent projects 2 cms into aortic arch' its vital its not left alone.

Our GP who knows us not on till Thursday but she needs to send the info about DHs pain since he had it done so they get the full picture. Dont think well get F2F but I need to relate the info as DH saying theyll not do anything - pointless.

Honestly Im so worried and all this time hes had pain and thought he had to put up with it. Id asked for scans before -but no. Told DH to tell radiologist when he had CT scan a couple of weeks ago to tell radiologist about his background. Told DH then that it might show up whats wrong, and it has.

Sorry for long winded post about it - I couldn't sleep at all last night.
Thanks for listening.

Hi all
SweetPeaSue- those fresh beans must have been lovely.
They look pretty growing too don’t they.
You were busy. Sorting out is very tiring - or trying on clothes as you sort to see if they still fit!! Then hoovering- that’s over and above.
What would we all do without Costa. DH and I popped into ours on Sunday after getting the paper and GDs 1 &2 were in there together having a catch up. So we ended up having a really nice morning- they are such good company.
What lovely kind words for EllieAnne- you are such a good person.
Hope you’re having a good Fluffball day and DH feels well enough to go to the beach with her.
Wyllow- my friend was fine- she hasn’t felt poorly just very tired but as I said her readings were very bad that’s why she was admitted.
I have felt awful in this heat and thought it was the AF but then found out that the AD I take makes users feel very bad in the extreme heat. It was in the paper and Internet and I believe there is a thread on GN.
Please do some nice things for yourself- just not all at once !!
You should be the poster girl for Skechers. Do you have a retail outlet near you where you can buy them much cheaper?
Don’t worry too much about what to do with your DGC. You are Gran and as such have a special place in their hearts.
Depending on how old they are there’s lots of things you can do without wearing yourself out.Silly drawing games,consequences,if there is still such a thing as plasticine you can make all sorts,board games ,Cards,charades. We once taught ours to play poker in the airport when the plane was delayed! Dont put pressure on yourself they will be happy just to have you there.
HVDY- you,ve written the perfect guide to getting on with DiLs
Such sensible words. They are very lucky to have you.
I,m like you- I love sweet stuff- who can resist a piece of cake.
Hope you enjoyed Matlock. I remember one time in the Alps we met a bunch of men from Matlock in a bar - they were cyclists and the funniest chaps and such good company.
Hope you,ve had a good day with LG- a farm park sounds lovely. It’s still too hot to do anything energetic here🥵
Doodle- that must have been annoying with the storage boxes but at least it’s sorted now. We did the same earlier in the year and bought some to go in our little cupboard under the stairs. Nope they didn’t fit so went into the garage with all the other stuff😩
So pleased you lovely family dog is home- she.ll be loving all the fuss
I thought what you said about speaking to people about problems are very true.Some just don’t know what to say, some don’t want to get involved and some say too much.
I don’t find it easy to open up about problems with my friends but will always listen to them and try to help.
EllieAnne- like Wyllow I hope so much that you will find some kind friends to confide in freely. We are all concerned for you and your stressful situation.
Doing the right thing is taking its toll on you. Your feelings count too- you are paying a very high price to keep the peace.
Nadateturbe. Thinking of you and hoping you have been able to get out a bit.xxx

Well update on SiLs Dad. He didn’t get a bed all weekend but had his Op yesterday and it went well . Have not heard anything yet today. He and his wife are really well looked after . They have a good care package and a lovely lady who looks after them during the week. At weekends family take over. But at night they are alone .
They are bright as buttons but age although a privilege is also very difficult and unpredictable- as we are all learning.

Love to all and keep coolx

Wyllow3 Relationships with DILs can sometimes be difficult - I'm lucky to get on very well with both of mine - and it must be remembered that our sons chose the woman to be with, so to keep a good relationship with the son, it's necessary to be friendly and easy-going with the DIL. I never criticise mine (particularly on the way they are with the children); I make sure I compliment them on their appearance, never talk about politics or religion, and I always take them a bunch of flowers when they host dinner or anything. I hope you manage to go to see the family and have a good visit. Could you go swimming or to the park with the children? Or simply read, watch a film, or play board games with them?
SweetpeaSue You needn't feel ashamed of having an eating disorder - you were ill. I eat too much sweet stuff - it doesn't help that DH keeps bringing cakes etc in. Matlock is nice for a day out, and has been described as a seaside place without the sea. Hope your husband has a better day today and that you can get out with Fluffball.
Doodle You've been so busy! Don't overdo things. Are you going out today? Matlock is only 28 miles (about 50 minutes) from me, so just a day out.

ScaredyCat, EllieAnne, Nadateturbe - hope things are ok.

LG will be here at 9 (Mum is off work but taking big sister out to buy clothes), so we plan to go to a farm park and take a picnic. Hope everyone manages to have a decent day x

Hi all

Just caught up and will post tomorrow. I,m very tired and melting!!
Love to allxxxxx

Scaredycat I do hope your SILs father is getting all the care he needs by now. You must all be worried about him .
Doodle It must be very hard having to do everything in your home yourself. We dont have a garage or much space to put things but I can see it will be difficult in an apartment. Hope its all sorted now for you.

Bit of shopping this morning, trip to pick up prescriptions. This afternoon went for a walk by the sea. Poor DH was suffering so we managed to sit for a little while before getting back to the car.
Fluff day tomorrow .

Hope everyone is ok. Love to all. X

Scaredycat any news of your SIls father? Hope he’s receiving proper care now. dGSs dog is home and being spoilt rotten. She’s doing well but her ears are still a bit floppy so she’s not quite herself yet,
Hope you’re ok, bit cooler today but still warm here.

sweetpeasueIve just spent two days reorganising my wardrobe and shoes. Managed to find a place for my two new shoe containers and got all my shoes organised in them. Living in an apartment space and storage is very limited. To find a home for one thing you have to move something else out. Got so exhausted with it. Then I had to make a trip to the dump and bag up stuff for charity. I had to bring in my three step ladder to reach. Not very good at going up and down steps . Totally worn out now.
Wyllow sorry I should know but how old are your grandchildren? If you don’t have the energy for run around games how about taking some board games or Lego or something? Hope you are able to improve your relationship with your DIl? Maybe keep things light and just chat.
HVDY my friend is diabetic and she told me about the sugar in fruit. Berries are best so I have raspberries with my breakfast and strawberries after dinner. I have five almonds with both of them as they say eating nuts with fruit controls the sugar spike. Is Matlock a day trip or are you staying overnight. I have a friend with family there but never been there myself . Is it nice?
Ellie Anne I’m sorry you can’t talk about your situation with your friends. I hope I don’t upset you because that’s not what I want to do but just trying to explain why your friend may not want to talk about it. As you know I love my DH very much. We had a loving marriage and I cannot imagine how you can live with your husband without that love. I appreciate that it is so hard for you. I have a friend whose husband was abusive and another whose husband was an alcoholic. Whilst I sympathise with them I find it hard to talk to them about it as it was so far removed from my own situation. Some women talk about their husbands in a critical way. They don’t necessarily mean it but it’s common between some women. I never criticised my husband. Never said bad things about him to anyone nor him about me. We talked to each other. That was our relationship just being together.
Sorry I’m not putting this well I’m trying to say that perhaps your friend and the people at church just don’t know what to say to you. If you met someone whose relationship with their husband was similar to yours I’m sure that you would be able to talk about it. Could you perhaps have some counselling where you just get to talk your feelings out with someone?
I do care for you and feel so bad that this is your life. You are very caring to do so much for your husband and family. You deserve so much more.

Doodle Hope youve not been suffering with the heat today. Its impossible to work when its that hot isnt it. You can be pleased with all the efforts made yesterday to sort out the wardrobe and shoes. I would like some different sketchers too, Ive only white at present - well theyre not so white right now. So glad your son's dog is home and hope hes getting better.
HVDY O know its awful but I dont eat breakfast though I can eat a handful or 2 of grapes. Im sure you're right about dieting being harder being older. I seemed to lose weight fairly quickly if Id dieted when I was younger. Actually theres something else I need to be careful of - Im ashamed to admit an eating disorder I had in my late 20s ,lasting 7yrs which a psychologist helped me get into control. Ive to be careful of feeling too full so the weight Ive put on is really snacking on the wrong things, sugar. Plus Im drinking too much.
Hope youve had a great day at Matlock. Everyone says how great it is yet Ive still never been.
Wyllow I do agree with you about people finding their own connections to faith and to each their own. Though I admit I feel that human nature is lacking by itself and needs something to lead us into a spiritual path, if that makes sense. I lean strongly towards the Christian message but Im not always certain .
Sorry you have been having some tired days. Its no good pushing things though and you do well to listen to your body- you are very aware in that way arent you - ( yoga)
Relationships with DILs seem to vary a lot with different people. I have gone a long time with huge gaps not being able to see son 1 and family ( illness mine and especially DHs.) Im just so glad that my son is so happy with her and thats the main thing isnt it. Shes a nice person.
Its probably best you take your visit to your son and famy and leave it open as to exactly how long youll be there. Less daunting I think - take it one day at a time. It must be very difficult when your energy is so low.
Scaredycat Hope youve been OK today.

Sorry may be back later.

Have a lovely Matlock day, HVDY. it's nice and cooler today.

Family is the weekend of Friday 7th onwards. No fixed ending, I can see how it goes. I am nervous about coping due to low energy, its up to me to not feel I ought to be an active gran, tho its sad not to be, isnt it, really mainly as I missed chunks of childhood in depressive periods. Tho I have had some amazing fun times like being the first family bits to see them after the worst of covid - forever memories.

That is wise and beautiful for EllieAnne, Sweetpeasue. Its hard to feel spiritual love when one is very very down, but you have not cut yourself off from its possibility xx

DiL and I have a complex relationship, due sadly to issues relating to Ex, and I hope quietly to make a little headway there.
I know for instance I can't breathe a word about why I have been more absent for the last 8 months then so tired and so on. They are old enough to surmise now.

Your brother just wont change at the moment, will he? I know you always let him know you are there and believe me that is key, he hasn't been able to push you away.

So tired today! Nice short Q zoom, did some bits of admin, and I am exhausted - I didn't get out yesterday either. Got to go with the flow.

SweetpeaSue Dieting is hard as we get older. My friend has been going to Slimming World for over a year now and loses 1 or 2lbs a week, and even puts weight on some weeks. Fruit is good but contains a lot of (natural) sugar. I like chopped fruit on Weetabix or Cornflakes. Home-grown vegetables are so nice. Having a clear-out of "stuff" is satisfying, isn't it? Do you take things to the charity shop?

Wyllow3 What a great selection. I love how you've even got socks to match the different colours. Are you going to see your family soon? (Sorry if I missed you mentioning it before)

Doodle Great news about the dog. I hope she'll recover well and be back to her usual self soon. How frustrating that the boxes are too big. My brother really is alone - his son died just over 2 years ago, then his wife in March. His elderly friend, too. His other friend had got prostate cancer. I invited my brother for dinner this week. He said perhaps Wednesday. We'll see.

EllieAnne You're doing what you feel is right, even though you don't love your husband. You must feel very unhappy and lonely. Your friends probably don't know what to say to you - you stay but don't want to be there, and won't or can't leave. There isn't an easy solution. Your feelings matter, and we on here care.

Jaffa was a very good boy all night and didn't wake me (I woke at 6.30 though). DH and I are going to go to Matlock later, for a change. Hope everyone manages to have agood day x

EllieAnne 'I do what I do because its the right thing to do.....'
That is such a sacrifice and a heavy price to pay. Im surprised and dismayed that most in your church dont want to know about difficult marriages. Can only assume that most are actually putting on an act of being a 'good parishioner'.
Im guessing some dont want to be seen to be less than perfection.
The real truth and message of Christianity is not for those people.
Im so sorry that when you opened up to that old friend she didnt respond in a sympathetic way . I think , trust your instincts- was it perhaps just not the time for her to be able to help- if so ,maybe another try with her ?
Above all, EllieAnne, realise you are a very valuable person, not only to your family , but to yourself and God.
Much love xx

Well not us dear EllieAnne We hear and understand well. Sometime people don't like to look deeper sometimes and are maybe themselves keeping up a front and dont want it disturbed even to the point of "not hearing".

Well - if we hear and understand, there will be people out there who do, and I hope they come into your life soon.

Sweetpeasue I recall all so well what you went though when we first met, that helpless anger - same frustrations - people say "let it go" easy to say, huh? Some things change your life forever, so you hit nail on head. Interesting, the church bells...I think there is a part of us all that have associations unless you are totally atheist - a sense of years and years of communities who have worshipped together. and it's natural for it to come and go. Glad you got out for a Costa escape.

I think what matters, having talked to so many different people of faith, its a matter of connection, what speaks to each one. (thinking of nadateturbe too, and Taise, of course)

Doodle's church is very special I think, and I'm so glad its in your life, and is a means to hold your DH dear amongst so much else. Of course he is with you.

I did smile however at the shoe packing efforts. There is nowhere downstairs for me to put shoes hence the upstairs landing ...matching socks? Of course...

And of course Doodle you are in a flat. When I was in a flat there was a storage room near the front door actually very handy. Hoovers, cleaning stuff, shoes, coats....

Well today has been useful but frustrating mainly I think missing family. First Ex has had one of the kids to stay - the really difficult boy - and I had promised DGD2 but....

the little Q zoom helped. I have bits of paper and colouring pencils by me and today was full of anger let off steam. sometimes the pix are calming and nice.

Sweet pea sue I have to be careful who I share with because most people in my church don’t want to know about difficult marriages and expect that I love him. I do what I do because it is the right thing to do but there is no love. I did try to share tonight with a very old friend and she was clearly not interested and didn’t ask any question or show any concern. I’m done with everybody.

Doodle Just seen your post. We've been doing more or less the same thing. Its coming hot work isnt it. I think I know which shoe compartment thing you mean- how annoying the boxes didnt fit.

HVDY Just seen your post about the fruit. I guess its just that I need to count the cals and not think it doesnt actually count. We picked our first green beans today- had them in a container in which we placed an obelisk for them to climb up. Just enough for 2 small portions 😂
Wyllow* Those Sketchers ! Im so jealous - theyre fantastic- can see we have the same taste there. Noticed how organised you are with the matching socks.
Doodle How have you been today? Hope the church service was good and the sermon interesting. The church bells were calling here this morning and I mentioned it to DH - he said no one was stopping me though he wasnt bothered himself. I think he believes sometimes and at others, not. Perhaps more times than not.

Had a really good sort out of stuff in drawers and wardrobe today. Doesn't sound like a big job but I was shattered afterwards. Did some hoovering and went out for a costa.
Hope everyone is ok.
Nadateturbe You too! Thinking about you as we all do , even if not said.

Sorry my messages in bits. Screen keeps jumping.

Ellie Anne I’m glad your son is going to put up the rails for you. It’s sad when friends let you down isn’t it. Some people don’t realise how selfish they’re being letting their troubles overtake the conversation. I do wish things were better for you.
Wyllow thats some collection. I’ve got 4 pairs now. Navy black lavender and pale blue. Funny enough I’ve been sorting out shoes today. Lots of pairs I don’t wear anymore, I’ve bought a couple of storage box type things. They have 16 dividers in them and between the two boxes they hold 16 pairs of shoes. Unfortunately they are bigger boxes than I thought and didn’t fit in the shelf where I intended to put them so I had to reorganise my whole wardrobe this afternoon. I was absolutely dripping. So hot.
hVDY. Good news. DGSs beloved dog is home. Quite a surprise they said she’d improved and could come home this afternoon. They are all over the moon. Just hope she fully recovers now. It’s funny I’ve read that about a lot of people who’ve lost someone but it hasn’t happened to me. I think about Dh all the time and miss him so much. He’s on my mind constantly all day every day. Must be awful for him to go through that in the morning. The awareness.
Scaredycat so pleased your friend is home. She will be relieved. Nice you can visit tomorrow. What a lovely thing to say about not forgetting my DH. That’s so kind of you.
So sorry to hear about your SILs dad. Such a shame people in such pain don’t get treated sooner. Hope he’s ok. Big shock for both the parents I would imagine
Sweetpeasue 2lb is good. It’s always slow to start with. I think I’ll give up and just stay dumpy, I’m getting no where,
Sorry you lost your messages, drives me mad when that happens
Been a nice day here today. Still very warm though

Sorry, phone is acting strange again.
Scaredycat So sorry youve had more bad news today. Your son in law and DD will be so worried about his dad . Goodness me ,thats a long wait hes had without being given a bed. Hope by now hes more comfortable and isnt in pain.
Oh yes, I DO have some fruit juice ice - lollies in the freezer( right next to the Ben n Jerry's chock chip ice- cream thats still unopened- why do I keep remembering that!) Supposed to be warm in the coming week so those lollies will come in handy.
Wyllow I can really understand you feeling so tired with all the thoughts in your head and the anger and resentment felt about the assault. It was the not being believed ( which that lady Quaker made much worse) that really hurt. Without trying to turn it onto my own experience, I can so understand how that all depletes your energy as it all just keeps creeping in. In my own case I had the pain that kept reminding me ,with no honesty from Drs and blatant cover up and lies. I do hope there will come a time for you when you are not plagued with the anger. I think it will always be there but hopefully not consume you at times. You really are doing so well right now.
Oh dear the nightmares . Hmm yes perhaps not a crime programme late at night. Incidentally, I had the exact same nightmare again the night after the last one I told about.
It will be nice for you to see your family again. Something to look forward to and a change. The realisation of the years passing, as with friends and once loved ones passing is a shock at times - the wonders of FB and things we wouldnt normally have known.

oops