Black Dogs 29

I woke up after a sleep and yes - I have been managing to squish down worries for that appointment on Tuesday that he will find the thingy in my eye is a tumour or pre-cancerous: awoke in panic and dread:

and it really highlights to me how alone I feel as I don't have a friend I can ring.

when I stopped being depressed last June of course one of my main aims was to pick up relationships with people - through the gym, through Quakers, and through a political group.

The exhaustion and muddles with MrA and fallout and exhaustion put paid to that idea: I have a couple of very old friendships (ie in Christmas cards "we must meet up" and actually meaning it) I was going to arrange meets with (some travel involved, so its not just an hour or so locally).

It was poignant when I was in hospital no one came to see me. I could have course asked son but it wasn't serious enough and I knew after 30 hours when I surfaced it wouldn't be that long.

Doc sis will, bless her, repeat, "the odds are small" because that is how she would cope, she can hold that in her mind.

Quakers this morning - well I've only just started with re building relationships. A sudden announcement - didn't feel right, because as with others at the gym, only if and when it is an actuality. And other concerns for others there where its definite like someone has had to be sectioned.

and of course, these things usually surface at the weekend or bank holiday weekend when my MH people are not working.

Many sympathies, EllieAnne. your everyday life is hard, and more so, when trying just to cope and koko, that all those practical and sometimes costing money things descend at the same time. In that state, it is hard indeed to feel reached by any faith x

Glad to read about your Sis, Scaredycat, she sounds a determined soul. Have a lovely family day.

My, that was early, HVDY, Jaffa's inner clock needs some adjustment. I expect you are seeing family today?

I had a bad night. Quakers in the meeting did "reach" me, but I am very afraid in 2 weeks time when MrA appears people will greet warmly cos I know how I feel, I never want to see him again, and dont see why I should have to frankly.

I'm very tired and lonely indeed today. Fed up of keeping going as in just when I am working through the MA thing and its done so much emotional damage (tho I have survived without going into a very severe bipolar depression, which I may not have done before)....

but of course my ?? dodgy eye thing, it seems so unfair to come along now: I hope Tuesday evenings appointment gives me the all clear so I can go ahead with trying to rebuild as spring turns to summer.

Hello everyone.
I’ve had a horrible week car problems tv problems dishwasher problems and all down to me as usual.
Plus the lonlieness and despair.
None of the church services have touched me at all.

Hi all
Doodle- oh the empty place at table - I don’t think I,ll never not miss my Son at a
Family table and feel sad at all the celebrations he has missed over the years. I understand your changing places.
I have zero flower arranging skills- take off the paper and plonk them in a vase! They wouldn’t let me loose in a Church. Your Church must have
looked lovely this morning.
We are going to one of the village pubs for late lunch with DD and SiL and GD3 and partner. I hope you have a nice lunch with your Son and family.
This morning I watched a lovely programme about a young man from UK and his quest to meet the Pope- I think you would have enjoyed it.
SweetPeaSue- I think the beginning is starting a new life without the loved one there. So very hard but life is a precious gift to be treasured always.
Ah todays lunch will be sad but they wouldn’t have asked you if it they felt it would be too much.
Please go on the break with them if you can. The children will be happy to have you there and as others have said there minds work differently when they are small. You can always take time out in the other little cottage.
Your Aunt must have been so pleased to have a day out again. It doesn’t really matter which day she thinks it is as long as she’s happy. You are such kind people.
HVDY- we went to GD1 yesterday for an Easter get together with the family. Her DH loves to cook so had done all nice warm nibbles and salads etc. DD made a lovely Chocolate Cake with little eggs on it. It was so nice like a little Xmas- glad I didn’t put my hearing aids in though!!!
I hope there will be cubs in your garden- would that be a first?
Have a lovely Easter Sunday.
Wyllow- my Sis is doing well thank you. She is still in hospital but managing some steps with the help of a Zimmer. She’s another one who loves being busy unfortunately the last few years of terrible illness have taken their toll but there’s no stopping her on a good day .
Glad you feel the latest chapter in the MrA saga is a moving on one - always best to play things by ear.
Your words are powerful and have much positivity in them- things will get better.

Love to all on this Easter Sunday 🐣🐣🐣🐣🐣🐣🐣🐣

Wyllow3 Jasmine has a gorgeous scent. Violas are very pretty, aren't they? The price was quite good. I might look for a couple of shrubs for the back garden, as well as small plants for tubs.

SweetpeaSue Your aunt must love going out with you and your husband. Is she getting all the help she needs? I hope you can get away for a break and spend time with your son and his family. Children are very resilient, and little ones don't think the same way we do.

Doodle I hope your church service goes well and that you have a lovely lunch with your son and his family. Lamb?

The 2 foxes came last night. I think now that one is female, as it looks a bit smaller than the other. Perhaps we'll see cubs in a couple of months. Jaffa woke me at 2.45, wanting to go out! I left him downstairs but was dozing on and off until 5.3o so got up then. Hope everyone has a decent day x

It will probably be difficult at times when you go away on Monday, but please feel..it's OK to say, I'm having/I need an afternoon nap. Perhaps you could actually tell them in advance.

It's not just the nap, it's the break from full on "being with people". Being next door makes it possible..."Gran is having her nap" - they do accept it.
Well done for taking Aunt out. It sounds like she enjoyed it?

Those dark times and the inner battle down the black hole- yes, and the self hater -in one form or another.....I do need to share the worst bits when it's frightening.
One can know that one catastrophises (sp) but not stop it.

all I do know is that things can get better, and that the will to survive is very, very strong.

I hope tomorrow is all that Easter Sunday can be, Doodle, although there will be bitter sweet elements for you. I'm glad there is sons after, thinking of you "After that".

Thanks for opening up Wyllow. Can’t believe we’re on number 29.
How lovely you’re going to visit family. I hope it will do you good, put Mr A as far behind you as you can for a few days.
Sweetpeasue it is difficult to have a meal when someone who should be there isn’t. I have the same problem at our sons. I had to swap places with our DGD because sitting in my usual seat felt odd without DH beside me.
Pleased you’ve accepted their invitation to a little break. It may be more difficult for you than your SGD. children sometimes see things differently. It will be nice for the family to have you there,
HVDY your Dh sounds like a peaceful companion. Not one to cause any problems. Your family all seem to get on. Hope you have a nice Easter.
Scaredycat I was at church again today doing the flowers (badly) I’m hopeless but they were short handed so I went to help. Be back again tomorrow for the Easter Sunday service then off to sons for lunch. Are you seeing family tomorrow?
Ellie Anne and Nadateturbe thinking of you both.

Thankyou Wyllow for starting our new thread.

HVDY I love Magnolia trees too but especially the Magnolia Stellarta ( not sure if that's spelt right). Ive always wanted one so when I saw one today I bought it. They have pale pink star like flowers - but you're probably right to hold back until strong winds are over. I hope mine is OK in a little corner until I plant it. Your DH sounds such a kind soul.
Scaredycat You are so right about funerals( Ill try and see their beginning)
We were invited for dinner tomorrow at son and DILs. It will be sad I think and I feel awkward about it ( texted son to tell him its ok if they need to back out of it)
DILs mum always sat next to me in the same place at the table - we will all miss her there.
What a lovely thing to say about my heart -- and I really cant believe you are 83! Glad the hand is a lot better.
* Wyllow* I love those little Jasmine flowers. I have a winter Jasmine , the one with Yellow flowers. I hope yours fairs well for yrs to come. Those plants were a real bargain. Your Botanical Gardens sound such a lovely place to walk and I could picture those waving Magnolia petals. So glad you're seeing your family soon.
Im not sure about my good days with bad days following - Ive not taken much notice but my feelings inside take over at times though mostly I hide them as Im aware quite a lot of people genuinely dont feel too introspective about things. I have quite dark thoughts and can think the worst so it seems a constant battle with myself. Im hating my body too right now.
Glad Quaker G is in the know about things regarding Mr A. Little by little and things will get better Im sure.
* Doodle* Hope your day has been OK with lots of company. Isn't it great when a son will just call in like that. Might you be going to your son's for dinner or something else tomorrow?
* EllieAnne*Nadateturbe Thinking about you both.

Took my aunt out to garden centre this morning. She liked looking at various things there and we had a coffee and toasted t-cake while DH had a bacon sandwich. She's going to her DDs tomorrow, though she wondered if today was Easter Day.

My son and DIL asked if we wanted to join them on a break in a holiday lodge not too far from here on NY moors. Ous will be next to theirs and my DGS and little SGD will be there. It was decided before the funeral and I think it might be difficult but will try our hardest to go with the flow. I might need to nap at times and DH hasn't been great today.
Anyway its just for 3 nights starting Monday. Little SGD is only 6 and will miss her nana as she went last time. Ill try.my best though expecting some awkward times.

Wishing all a peaceful night and a nice Easter time whatever your plans. Love x


*

Missed a bit out - all those came to £35.

A climbing white flowering Jasmin, about 2ft high: two large pretty viola trays for the front and back door pots: two flowering hebe bushes in 9 aLocally they are in vv good condition but little choice.
I'll like putting the little pretty violas out but otherwise wait to potter when the gardener comes. It's too big and intimidating a task alone and I'd rather use my energy at my sociable gym.

It's nice to lounge and not have to make the effort, I'm glad you took the day out. Your DH sounds very "chilled" when it comes to situations like your brother, but you are the glue that holds the family together x

Wyllow3 Thanks for starting this new thread. I didn't know how to. Magnolia trees are beautiful, aren't they? The flowers don't last long, which is a shame. It'll be good for you to go and see your family next week. How long will it take to get there? What plants did you get from Home Bargains? I need to get some but am waiting until the winds have eased off - the weather should be getting better from Monday.

ScaredyCat My husband is great - he never complains, doesn't slag anyone off, is quite relaxed and laid-back (everything I'm not). I'm glad your hand feels better today. Have you been out?

Lazy day today - I like to have odd days when I don't wear make-up and can lounge about. Hope everyone has been ok x

Unexpected sun here too! The forecast says we are having Storm Dave and heavy rain. But better sleep again, took my time getting going (I have to do this eye thing twice a day to heat eyelids and drain the goo, it’s tedious but worth it) and found the gym just right, usual people, not busy.
Home bargains just now for some plants (v cheap, limited choice, but v good condition)
And wilting over a Costa.

I didn’t say, but tricky QuakerD has told male Quaker G about MrA. G is one of the key people but not in the know, but indications were he’d guessed some.
It was nagging away at me, don’t trust D to give full picture at all, so wrote to G as ‘follow up’ and feel more peace of mind since.

It’s playing it by ear, isn’t it? Know when to act and when to leave, but it feels like a moving on thing.

I’m glad it’s not your writing hand Scaredycat. That would have been so restrictive. Are you doing wiggly finger things as it gets better? I actually pretend to be playing the piano on the car wheel or the table or arm chair?

I’m sure it looks major weird at the gym when I add it to an ordinary stretch.

Did you see family today and how is Sis doing now?

Hi all
Wyllow- Friday turned out to be a good one after all. I think you have these nice days and somehow can’t believe you’re allowed to have another one the next day- like it’s too good to be true. Try to allow yourself to have happy times - you deserve them.
An adventure awaits you next Friday- a good idea to have that bolt hole if you get tired.
No it’s not my writing hand thank goodness. It’s much better today.
Thank you for starting our new thread- you’re a star.
Doodle- yes Good Friday has always had that emotional feeling- glad you had a lovely service. Hope you are doing something nice today.
SweetPeaSue- funerals always awaken many conflicting feelings . They are an end and a beginning - hope your DiL is not finding it too hard.These first weeks without her Mum are so difficult.
Never regret your posts - true feelings negative or positive come from the heart - and yours is a big one..
HVDY- The evening with your brother went very well by the sound of it. Your DH sounds very good natured and it can’t have been easy for him initially.
Yes it is a weird thing with my hand but Dr Google said it can happen. Once in 83 years isn’t bad😀
So easy to make a mistake with appointments - we all hve too many!!
Nadateturbe,EllieAnne - thinking of you both and sending love to allx

Ironically, the day turned out sunny, and the men could have finished later, but I had a lovely active day, the Botanical Gardens were just fab - a light wind, magnolia tress waving, a carpet of petals, buds opening, after the gym….and I well needed a sleep.

MrA and aftereffects will leave me until its ready, and of course he is “coming back”:
I can just do my best to focus on other things, and certainly get past the return, and this Tuesday and the Eye consultant before I feel I can really start properly moving on

But I am driving up to my family for two days next Friday. An adventure - haven’t been up since October. It will push me energy wise, but I am staying in a nearby guest house that looks really homely and nice lady there who will let me have afternoon naps and so on.

I’m glad that your hand is getting a little better, but really hope its back to best soon, Scaredycat, its very limiting. Is it your writing hand or not?

I thought Good Friday might be like that for you, Doodle. Very understandable feelings: it sounded like, again, your church is a really Good Place.

I knew you’d understand, Sweetpeasue re anger and how to deal with its triggers - starting with what happened with the Doc who messed you up as well as not being heard for DH - prolonged stress and fear for you.

I recall yesterday was a good day and wonder of you have what I get at times for some weird reason - one has a pretty good day, things look better - then the wretched day afterwards - its a downer.

The only reason I have fathomed is that it’s hard to trust good things when they happen, there is some kind of reaction? One is sure it cant really be for real, bad times will recur, etc etc.

HVDY your DH was a star tonight - the roast, and the chat - well done him, given it initially went against the grain. 3 hours is quite a long time in the circs - well done you both - whatever drove your brother, it was positive tonight.

thinking of absent friends.