Black Dogs 29

I had a lovely afternoon yesterday at the knit and natter group. They are a cheery bunch and said that they had missed me last week. I have been going on/off for 1.5 years. Sometimes it’s even hard to go there if I am so down in the dumps but once there I know I will feel better when I come out.

DH discovered a mains water leak in the garden and now we have a puddle and there has been no rain. Always something to think about. Insurance will cover it and the water company have been out and it is our problem. Just another thing to solve but DH always make a mountain out of a mole hill. I don’t think he was impressed when I said put a pond there with a fountain.
I feel a bit better today and have just made a pie (corned beef, leek and potato) and a Bakewell tart. Then I am heading outside to plant some geraniums in pots. I’m trying to keep busy but I could do with some company. DH can argue black is white when he is in that mood and I just avoid him.
It took me about 6 months to do the daisy throw for my DS. He absolutely loves it and now one of his friends wants a one as well but in different colours. I said I will think about it. It was initially only going to be a stroller blanket size for a child then DS saw it and then it got made for him.
Thank you for your kind words of encouragement.

Wyllow3 Thanks. My husband said they look fine (but he always says that to me). DIL and friend both agree with me. I was really looking forward to not having to faff about every day, especially for our holiday (less than 3 weeks). I've just sold a few more things on Vinted (one after 30 minutes), so DH has gone out to post them - and get me a bar of chocolate. Hope your facial is lovely and relaxing, and that you might get some sensible advice about skincare stuff. I don't know if all those expensive creams are any better than cheaper ones, but treat yourself if you fancy something. I only use Cerave to moisturise. Have a think about getting too involved with anyone, including neighbours.

My brother rang one of the numbers I gave him, for a Men in Sheds thing. He's going next Tuesday to see if it's something he fancies. I've invited him here for dinner and he said he'll let me know. As if he needs to consult his diary .

Aw, HVDY, they genuinely look fab to me, but you must have had a different picture in your mind maybe?

I didn't notice a different, really truly, except maybe the right one is a bit darker at the end (have just looked again very carefully, but then, its always different when we look at ourselves as opposed to how others see us?)

Bike ride tomorrow is in my diary, there is a fair chill in the wind. Today I have a facial treat, and want her to magically smooth over those wrinkles...but the best `I can expect is some decent advice re best creams, and as I dont go out much, treat myself to those advised. Its at the gym, but I do need some sun, and the cupboard is bare too.

But I do accept how upset you really are, it meant so much to you to think it over at length and wanting them to be spot on. and it has triggered a whole bus load of Stuff, so have a big hug ((()))

Actually there is one neighbour who might be amenable for a cuppa now and then. when I have more energy back. We do like each other I think and certainly never have any problems compromising on height of hedges etc

But I do think one has to think hard about this. Its a neighbour situation where everyone is friendly but keeps private out of each others business, and crossing the line is - well can lead to difficulties. Of course, when my very Mentally Ill Ex was at it, all were pretty aware as his behaviour was so off the scale, and probably the general opinion is that I am better off without him if I probed....

Wyllow3 I hope you manage to go out today, perhaps for a bike ride? The weather is good. Do you ever see neighbours for a bit of a chat?

I hate these eyebrows! They look different height, colour, length and shape to each other. I've just rang and spoken to the woman (she owns the salon) and told her I'm very unhappy, but she got rather loud and defensive and said it takes 6 weeks for the colour to settle and that my facial muscles have been tense. Here we go again - someone else I trusted, the same as the bloke who did my Marionette lines 4 years ago and left me with bad scars. I'm having a "What's the bloody point in life" moments.

Hope ALL BDrs manage to have a decent day x

Hey, they look brilliant, HVDY, soft and very "real".

a very caring post, Scaredycat. what were you up to today, did you still need to rest all day or did you get out for a coffee or walk?

I cant manage buses, I haven't for over 24 years. I'm frightened of not being to get home if I need to, being with strangers, the lot.

I can mange trains if supported by the disability people and collected.

Mainly atm in terms of meeting new people its that I can do more or less one/two things a day energy/coping wise as I need to sleep more or less every afternoon so it limits everything .

So I choose mostly the gym and sometimes try to walk as well, or go out to a known High peak spot in the car and enjoy a sunny day and walk.

In the evening I'm pretty done in but can do Zooms, like I did tonight with another Quaker zoom, which has given me some confidence about Quakers just being OK to be me not the mess in my own. I have written to ask Quaker r who is very nice of he will have a chat but he is also seeing MrA to support him so I have said I'm not looking for taking sides.

I haven't been out in the evening for a very long time and who with anyway. I'm happier a lot more often than I sound, for I do have reasonable resources for being alone, especially music, but its not like before the assault, when I was full of hope and energy,

Although Black Dogs will recall me pursuing a relationship rather too soon and too eagerly with lack of judgment before it all went pear shaped... I bet BD's remember Mr whoever...😬

I'll see you in tomorrow, Doodle, and other BD's who walk this way.

Evening all. I’ve been out this afternoon and didn’t get home till quite late. I’m really tired now so heading off to bed. Be back tomorrow. Sleep well all

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ScaredyCat LG is a such a happy child. Never whines or asks for things, doesn't have tantrums. I'm not 100% happy with my eyebrows, so I might ring the salon in a few days. They look greasy on these photos because of the healing balm stuff she applied. I just need to get my face and body sorted out . My Rosacea has flared up since then, but should be ok in a day or 2.

Hi all
HVDY- where did those 3 years go? You have many more happy days to come with that sweet little person.
You’re right young animals are adorable - they are so full of life. Kittens are the best though.
Looking forward to seeing the new eyebrows- wish that had been around when I was younger.
Doodle- yes my sister is gradually getting more mobile. It’s helped that she still has the grab rails that were installed when she first got the cancer.
The ADs have helped for both of us haven’t they. I don’t think I,ll ever even reduce them but I can understand you giving it a go.
When you draw at home do you do things like still life or flowers or maybe draw from a photo or imagination?
SweetPeaSue- nice to be able to take an afternoon rest - hope it helped. What a lovely place to wake up on too.
Jays are lovely birds aren’t they. We once had to stop the car so I could rescue a very young one in the road. He wasn’t hurt just shocked so put him on the verge. I often wonder if he made it.
One of our boys sometimes does those jumps like the lambs when he’s playing.
Wyllow- is it possible for you to venture into town if you found a good Art Class Are you on a bus route?
I don’t know how old your GC are but can you face time or text them? I,m sure your Son can make time for his Mum - they don’t need to be long chats.
The Gym is a special place for you as it offers friendship and exercise- so glad you have that to enjoy.
PurplePixie- That throw is fantastic- daisies are my favourite flowers . Your DS must love it. You have such a talent.
Is your knitting group a Knit and Natter one. So nice that you enjoy the company of the other ladies.
Nadateturbe- thinking of youxx

Love to all and hope this evening is a peaceful onexxx

PurplePixie What a beautiful blanket. I love the daisies. You're so skilled. How long did it take to make?

Wyllow3 It's sad that you're so lonely. Are there any local cycling or walking groups you might join? or a U3a group nearby? I hope you manage to get a more frequent call/visit with your son and his family.

Had the microblading done. I was very nervous, but the lady was reassuring and gentle. Yes, it hurt a bit (sharp scratches), and bled a bit, but she's used a light brown colour and done just a thin, rounded shape, not a high arch or anything. I'll post some pics later, when the redness has worn off. DH did the shopping, so I'm not going anywhere else today

Oh I missed your posts Sweetpeasue and Doodle last night.

It's good you took time out for drawing, Doodle, the Art Class has given you the oooomfp to get going. And cutting down, well done you. It's good to know the option to go up or down is there.

Wishing you more good weather, Sweetpeasue.
Having a nap is essential when your body and mind call for "shut down".

HVDY well done you going to the eyebrow people. I'm waiting to hear how it goes before I consider it just a bit. LG being the last DGD - it's lovely you are experiencing those early years, and for her, gran will always be a part of her life.

Purplepixie that crochet blanket is absolutely lovely! I like being with older ladies. So much life experience. and when there is a GSOH there as well...

For the last 2 nights I have slept heavily post the meeting on Sunday, but this morning and recently its hit me how terribly lonely and isolated the whole thing has left me.

Before the Assault, I was up for recovering from the last depression and starting a social life again but it all took over, because the people I wanted to get closer to - my local quaker people - with were some of the very people who got dragged into the morass.
And it has made me more withdrawn and suspicious of people, regretfully. And not to be touched or hugged.

I have no friend atm I can pick the phone up to just to natter or have coffee with.

It was far far from that before 2003 when I was very sociable and belonged to lots of things and was doing the art degree and showing work.

Somehow, when it all collapsed, since then I've only been able really to do crafts when I am with other people and there aren't any groups I'm aware of.
Like I did lots when I was an inpatient, and like when there were community MH art/craft groups, but they have all gone now (no MH resources). There are good groups but in town.

The one I found locally has closed down.

I decided this morning early I have to try to ring DS more just for a regular chat, not just every 3 weeks or so. He is very busy so it's a big ask, but to get more closely involved in family life. he is good at just chatting unless under pressure.

But right now it's most important to keep going to the gym for health and for social reasons since I sleep every afternoon and have to choose.

Yes, I do crafts. Mostly knitting but I also crochet, quilting and used to do watercolour paintings. Crafts are my saviour on really bad days. I recently finished a throw in crochet for my youngest son.

I’m going to my knitting group this afternoon. They are a lovely bunch of ladies all of them older than me.

ScaredyCat I'm pleased your sister is now getting better. She's been through so much. LG is taking after her dad (Son2) a bit, although he was only a few months old when he began having Asthma - he still has it, at 42. Son1 has never had that trouble. Strange how 1 can have it and the other not.

Doodle They really aren't babies for long enough, are they? What are you drawing at the moment? Will you be going out today?

Wyllow3 Whatever name is given for how I felt before taking ADs, I know how suicidal I felt (the horrible, obtrusive thoughts are what made me seek help). I can understand some people not sharing emotional stuff - I only share on here. I can hardly believe it's almost 3 years since LG was born. Sad in a way that she'll be the last GC, but we're very fortunate to be so involved with her.

SweetpeaSue Those lambs sound adorable. All young animals are so cute. Hope you've both been relaxing a bit.

Going to have the microblading later. I'm apprehensive, but it will surely be better than trying to draw eyebrows on all the time. Not much else today. Hope everyone manages to have a decent day x

Well...."clinical depression" strictly speaking in terms of MH care and meds, it's not seen as quite the same....
Because endogenous depression can be at many levels from relatively mild
- to moderate
- to very serious indeed ie needing inpatient hospital and long term and ongoing Psychiatrist care.

So generally, clinical depression is the latter, but definitions are confused

(and confusing, for isn't going to a GP and given meds clinical?)

It's generally felt that all depression is a mix of "nature" (chemicals) and "nurture" (childhood and family and other major trigger bad experiences) and the balance varies between people a great deal.

When people go to a counsellor they are in fact doing their best on the "nurture" front, ie what might be changed for the best given what life has handed you.

I often hope so much that my "nature side" of MH stuff hasn't been handed down to DS and DGC genetically, and try to do my best on the nuture side.

Don't we all with our family?

(Purplepixie I am a trained psychotherapist and have worked in the field as well as being a "customer" for many years.

I most definitely do not know whats best for all at all and often giving people a good listen to is whats best, but I do know chunks of theory and how MH care works by and large).

People here do have a lot of collective experience and wisdom as well as kindness, wrought of experience...we have others who cant come in much as not well enough for one reason or another, but we hold in the mind, or who have passed through.

Thinking of you nadateturbe if you are reading but exhausted.

HVDY The potty training is a tough one, isn't it? I hope this summer brings it on. It is sad about the inhalers but it's a family thing, isnt it? Definitely it's time for a rest after a full on nearly 3 year old. (I can recall her being born!)

Yes me and Sis have made up and I have learnt some more of her "don't go there" areas. She's not one for working emotional things through by sharing. No good hoping for it, nor asking too much in that way.

No I'm OK with one day in dressing gown. I mean being able to let myself do it.

I'm sorry to hear you were still tired today Scaredycat, hoping tomorrow will see you and the sunshine out for a while together - DD and coffee? Its so good to hear that about your friend - this is after she's taken her dose of immunotherapy? and your Sis a bit better too.

Just short post.
Purplepixie Glad youve had a better day today. Sewing seeds in the garden is the most lovely thing to do and no matter what your future moods in days to follow , the result of those seeds will come up and give you a little lightness .
Take care of yourself , we're all here .
Oh BTW. I think you might do crafts and I believe Ive been helped by having something 'going ' . Helps distract from 'whats the point' thoughts.x

Been so tired today and had gut problems so needed to sleep this afternoon.
Still sheep watching and saw 2 beautiful jays in the garden today.
You're right Wyllow The lambs can do funny verticle jumps ,like theyre on springs- Zebedee comes to mind.

Hope everyone has a peaceful night. Live to all , especially any experiencing loneliness right now. X

Ellie Anne so pleased your cat is back. Hope he doesn’t stray so far in future.
HvDY little girls hair is beautiful. Potty training will happen when she’s ready. Can’t believe she’s going to be 3 . Where did that time go.
Purplepixie I went on antidepressants when my DH was seriously ill. I had to keep going for him and my GP prescribed antidepressants and diazepam. I never took the diazepam because I needed to be awake with Dh but did go on the antidepressants. I think they helped and am still on them although I too am reducing the dose slowly.
Wyllow glad you sorted out your problem with your sister. Hope you have a calmer few days now that you won’t be seeing Mr A for a while. Is he only allowed to attend monthly meetings now?
Scaredycat pleased to hear your sister is getting better. That’s good news. Like you I think the antidepressants help. I can remember back to the days when you wouldn’t go on holiday. You’ve come so far since then.
Sweetpeasue hope you’re having a good day. Are you still away with the little lambs or home now?
I’ve been busy doing housework today but took some time to myself to do some drawing.

Hi all

I feel better today but still tired. Went to see my friend and she is feeeling a bit better- and been able do a bit more .
EllieAnne - so pleased your cat has come home. I know how worried you must have been. He,s lovely.
SweetPeaSue- yes we used to love walking but I,m afraid they are more like strolls but still enjoyable. It’s the most beautiful place and don’t think we would ever tire of it. How wonderful to see the baby lambs- especially when they Boing about!!
Enjoy every minute.
HVDY- my Sister is slowly getting better but has been hampered with a sore leg from hospital stay and also a reactive rash from meds. All of which are improving now. Thank you for asking.
Doodle - glad you had a nice Sunday and enjoyed a lovely family lunch.
HVDY- more lovely times with LG. You’re all so right to play it cool with her potty training - she,ll do it when she’s ready.
Her hair is beautiful - what a gift she is.
Such a shame she suffers with asthma- my DGD2 who is the nurse was left with Asthma after bouts of Covid.
PurplePixie- gardening is so therapeutic and I,m glad you felt like getting outside. Planting is a hope for the future so hope that as your plants grow you will feel brighter.
As for Anti depressants I was like you for a long time and thought as you do. But eventually I decided to try them and I feel like HVDY . I will stay on them forever rather than feel as I did again. My children said they had got their Mum back.
It’s only a low dose but has changed my life.
Wyllow- Glad the meeting went more smoothly than you feared- I think people have his number more than you realise. Please don’t let the anger spoil the good times to come.
Glad you and your Sis are all good again- she is such a good friend to you as well as a lovely sister.
You’re right you need a day out - get in those hills again they are calling to you.
Love to all and wishing you a peaceful nightxx

EllieAnne Thank you. She's always such a happy little girl - although she was at A&E all day last Thurs til 11pm, with Asthma. She's now got 2 different inhalers. The potty-training will be easier to do in the warmer weather. At the moment, she goes hysterical when they try to put her on a potty or toilet. I'm so glad your cat is back. I've always kept mine in (Jaffa wakes me any time between 4 and 6am), but I let him use a litter tray.

Wyllow3 Spot on regarding the medication. I was told, years ago, that I had endogenous depression - a depletion of certain chemicals, although I believe the term for that now is clinical depression. No need to get dressed if you don't feel like it. Hope you and your sister are on friendly terms again.

Full day - playgroup for 2 hours, then lunch here, then softplay for 2 hours, and came home and watched Tom & Jerry, which she found interesting. Time for a rest now that LG has gone. Hope everyone has been ok x

Seed planting means being able to look forward, which is good.

But I do wonder where this fear of "being hooked" comes from" ...I mean people can and do take long term medication for a huge range of physical reasons and completely accept is as does society, including sometimes inevitable side effects.

You see, mental health meds used to be heavy handed and clumsy. Some have weathered well like lithium for bi polar disorders and it's a drug sometimes combined with anti depressants (ie, mood stabilisers).

Things have changed massively, PurplePixie.

I do think a lot of the fears come from the group of drugs called benzodiazepines. These came on board late 70's ish.

They were called "Mothers little helper" by some and handed out like sweeties. The most well known one of these is of course Diazepam. It's still a very useful drug for very short term use only, but many got hooked on these and it is very very hard to get off them.

The newer range of anti-depressants are very different. when you cease to need them you can come off slowly and the addiction effect of say diazepam is simply not there.

You can of course be psychologically addicted, ie fear of what would happen if you came off, but that's different, from a chemical addiction

So some people use the newer anti depressant to tide over a bad patch where you can feel better and get your life in order:

or stay on them because basically the brain chemicals in their own bodies are not functioning well and the anti depressants put the balance back. Especially if the depression has been very very long term. and remember, they don't work straight away, and at first its getting the dose right, tends to be a very low dose to see how it goes then put them up

Just like you need to take thyroid medication if your thyroid is not in balance.

Today I just havent got dressed. I slept better, very heavily: sunny in the garden - I went to a nice Quaker national Zoom meeting (there is one every day) and had thinks. I need a day out I think, we'll see. I had an aggressive angry exchange with my docsis late last night but we have put that right this morning. MrA - well, ideas, no urgency as it's another month now before he can turn up, needs pondering.

Yes Hvdy he’s neutered. But he insists on going out at night. I d love to know what he does.
Lg is lovely. My dgs was very late with potty training but he got there in the end.

PurplePixie I understand your reluctance to try antidepressants, but wouldn't you even consider them for the short-term? I know I'd rather take them for the rest of my days (I'm 67) than ever feel as terrible as I did without them.

EllieAnne - so pleased to hear that your cat has returned. Mine did that years ago and she smelt of leather so I think she was locked in somewhere. Such a beautiful cat.

I’ve always tried to stay away from medication just in case I get hooked on it and can’t get off it. My friend takes them and she is having her’s reduced rather than come off them straight away. Not sure if they are for me.

Feel a little brighter today and spent some time in the garden this morning and planted some seeds.

EllieAnne So pleased the cat is home. He must be hungry and tired. Has he been neutered?

Wyllow3 LG will be 3 at the end of June - not potty-trained, but that's not my problem. She was a bit late with everything, but she now talks nonstop. Glad the meeting well alright. It sounds as though it wasn't as bad as you'd feared.

LG here today. We watched Tom & Jerry whilst she ate her breakfast. She found it fascinating! Her hair is so long. Playgroup soon, then either a softplay place or park after lunch. Hope everyone manages to have a good day.

Yay!

Came in to see if there was news.

Oh EllieAnne Im so pleased for you. What a relief. X

Cat was waiting to get in this morning. He’s very hungry so I think he’s been shut in somewhere z